DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

[stellamel]

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

seriously, is he quite alright?!

Not read the whole thread but I think a 6 week trip is an excellent idea. It will give you the practise you need in being a single mum. Which is what you may well become if he does do this trip.

I can understand wanting to get away and do something different but why does it have to be without his family and cost money he doesn't have?

Just told Dh and he said he should have thought about it before having a kid and he is selfish.

www.fco.gov.uk/en/travelling-and-living-overseas/travel-advice-by-country/middle-east-north-africa/i ran

He hasn't really thought this through, has he? I would suggest not to worry- if he is really so inept that he has not even done some basic research and is relying on the OP to sort things out for him, I doubt he will ever get it together to carry out his grand plan.

I would be suggesting that he spends 6 weeks learning to find his arse with both hands before he attempts anything more adventurous.

Surely this can't be for real, can it?

So the consensus is that he wants to go on a trip to places he can't get in to, using money he doesn't have, with insurance that won't cover him (and you)?

He's living in la la land but OP - you HAVE to get real about this. YOur future as a couple, as a family is hanging in the balance.

I haven't read all the replies here but can I just say I fucking HATE it when people say they want to 'find themselves'. What a load of shit. Especially at his age. That is the sort of thing teenagers say when they want to go travelling. You learn about yourself as you get older not by buggering off on a boys trip round the world. The fact that he wants to leave you alone with two young kids, miss the first few weeks of his 2nd childs life and also put himself in great danger by riding a motorbike (which I personally think is a death trap but that is my opinion) through war zones.

I don't know why the hell you are agreeing to this. He is taking the piss in a big way and the fact that he would do it even if you didn't agree shows a huge lack of respect for you on his part.

Sorry if this is harsh but I think you need to take a serious look at your relationship.

at reading this thread and not a lot shocks me on here anymore.

I feel so angry with this guy, just from reading his plans and attitude. What a **er.

Stellamel, I'm sorry if you find all these responses a bit overwhelming, but you have a cheived a rare thing here to have us all in agreement!

Nikki - you don't actually need to read the thread. your post is a perfect summary of everything everybody else has said - though you could have insulted the OP's other half a bit if you wanted to be truly representative

I'd say no to the trip. The time for having 6 week motorbike trips through warzones was before he got you pregnant (or will be when your children are grown up)! My DH had a minor hissy because I have said he can't go to his friend's wedding in Italy when I'll be 33 weeks pg with twins, during my eldest's first week at school and missing my youngest's 3rd birthday. He can now see that the family things are more important and is fine about it. If the wedding was not in Italy he'd be able to go, it's just unfortunate his friend is marrying an Italian!. His friend understands and he went to the stag weekend. Your DP sounds inconsiderate and your decision seems a bit foolish I wouldn't have any qualms about changing your mind if I were you. You have to consider your whole family when you're a parent. I don't think you should be getting into so much debt for something dangerous that is just for him. Why not suggest you go together when the children are grown up?

The more I think about this thread the angrier I get.

My DH had to go away to sea when DD1 was 5 weeks old and came home when she was 5 months. It was bloody hard work and he missed her (and me) terribly. And that was for WORK!

I think if he really wants to find himself (which let's face it really means he wants to go and behave like a single bloke for 6+ weeks) he can do it a bit closer to home.

"You learn about yourself as you get older not by buggering off on a boys trip round the world."

This is a really good point actually - I've learned far more about myself in the almost-a-year since becoming a parent than I ever did in the whole of my profligate, club-hopping twenties.

He's deluded and, frankly a bit thick, if he thinks he can do that trip.

Has he ever been further than Europe?

Let him plan it.

He'll find out soon enough.

Christ, what a dolt.

He sounds incredibly selfish and childish, I'm afraid.

This is just gobsmacking. The OP has done well to stay out of logistics because I don't think there is a cat in hell's chance of getting a motorbike from Delhi to Derbyshire in 6 weeks. Unless the DP already knows this, knows that it will take much longer, is saying 6 weeks because it looks less crap than 12 weeks and will act surprised when he's delayed en route?

I would be really annoyed. I told my husband that he couldn't go to a wedding in America when his second son was 2 months old and it was the school summer holidays. He went anyway. It caused a big problem and I never forgave him and it nearly caused a divorce, but wasn't string enough to go through with it. However we are still together but if I want to go anywhere I shall remind him.

YANBU, your DH should go on a shorter, safer trip or start an evening class or something.

My Dad used to go off mountaineering in very far flung part (in the days before trekking packages etc.) BUT, he had a very demanding job he needed a break from, he never went for more that three weeks, he went with a friend (they were both medics too) and he waited until his kids were school age before he went on these trips. Incidentally he recently cycled from Land's End to John o'Groats by himself aged 68.

Well done your dad!

For that part of the world he'll also need a proper fund for bribes, and will need to think carefully about which currencies will work in which countries, and where he'll conceal the cash...

sorry, should have added for the cycling thing. Of course, rest is impressive too!