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Original poster

DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

665 replies

stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:28

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

OP posts:
itwasntme · 29/07/2009 17:04

On another note, the last couple I knew to go motorbiking round India tragically didn't come back, they came face to face with a gang of bandits. They never stood a chance.

The risk of not coming back alive from a trip like this are very real.

Sorry

moondog · 29/07/2009 17:05

When I was living in Eastern Turkey with dh and kids, and picnicking one day in a defunct volcano by Mt Ararat (as you do), this vehicle appeared very slowly over horizon and chugged past us at about 7 mph. It was a flower festooned tractor driven by a hardcore German hippy pulling ancient caravan which housed his woman ,dog and kids. They were on their way to Afghanistan (it had taken them 5 months to get that far).

How suburban I felt in my Datsun Sunny weaning a Boden cardigan with a hotel reservation confirmed for that night.

QOD · 29/07/2009 17:06

what happens if he has no job to come back to? how do you support you and the kids for 6 weeks?
what sort of a selfish git is he (thats a statement not a question....)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/07/2009 17:07

What an utter knob. I don't think you are a saint for supporting him in this - I think you are a fool.

All that 'rolling stone' rubbish is just that, rubbish. What it means is 'I don't want to have to take responsibility for anything'.

I think you should tell him that if he's going to go, you want to get married before he does so that if he dies or runs off with a dusky maiden then you have a solid legal position, access to his pension etc. If he is a good partner and father then he will say yes. If he is a selfish knobhead who is only thinking of himself in all this then he will get angry and say no and acuse you of not allowing him to be him.

I am so disgusted by this. What an utter, total knobber. I hate him and I don't even know him!

AnyFucker You are not wrong to fancy EM. I don't care if he's an arse, he still sexy.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 29/07/2009 17:08

I think the OP gets the message that her OH is a prat.

What she needs now is to think very carefully what she is going to do next.

I just can't fathom someone buggering off at a time when a new baby is coming and throwing away his job in the climate we are in with 2 children to support.

OP - PLEASE sort out your money as there is a good chance he will either come back in a box or not at all.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2009 17:09

oo, not just me then ali

he is fanciable, arse or no arse

HeadFairy · 29/07/2009 17:09

sorry, I have just read that he's going through Iran and Afghanistan, not Iraq... however, it is still terribly lawless in Iran outside the cities, so I'd say the same applies....

Presumably he'd have to cross the Afghanistan/Pakistan border, which is one of the most lawless regions on earth. Teaming with Taleban. Unless he takes a detour of several thousand miles to the coast.

Dizzyclarebear · 29/07/2009 17:09

OP - I'm not going to call your DP names.

You discribe him as a 'rolling stone' well that normally means a bit of a dreamer - and in my experience, people who think like this really don't get that other people see practicalities and really, really hate having the real world pointed out to them.

I'm really sorry, if you two survive this, then you're going to spending your life being the one who 'bursts the bubble' of the latest great idea.

Perhaps calmly explain you can't be happy for him because you are thinking about the negatives. If he doesn't want to hear them, then fine, but this is his adventure, you've not been invited, although the cost of it will negatively impact the whole family and it's really rude to expect you to be his travel agent.

If he has to do this, can't it wait until it's been saved for and so not going into debt for a holiday?

TheCrackFox · 29/07/2009 17:10

StellaMella - are you still working? If not start looking. I think you need to think long and hard about just how committed your DP is to your relationship. Really, it isn't normal to want to leave the family unit for 6 weeks, run up a lot of debt and expose yourself to immense danger.

BitOfFun · 29/07/2009 17:10

Has he a clue about all the practical issues raised? I had no idea it was so dangerous tbh. I'd be telling him to sling his hook, I reckon - the man is a selfish idiot, an utter loon. What on earth is the point even being with someone so monumentally stupid?

Laquitar · 29/07/2009 17:10

This not at all like going away for work. My dh is away a lot but he brings money, he doesn't take 4k loan.

Also there are so many people in uk who come from other countries and after they have children they find it more difficult to go and see their families. I am lucky that my family is in europe and the flights are very cheap but i know people from usa, india, pakistan who havn't seen their families for years, who have to take agonising decisions and sometimes miss family weddings and funerals.

And your DH wants to take 4k loan for fun?

noddyholder · 29/07/2009 17:11

Ewan is seriously hot and willing to get his trousers off at any given moment which works for me !

noddyholder · 29/07/2009 17:11

Ewan is seriously hot and willing to get his trousers off at any given moment which works for me !

AnyFucker · 29/07/2009 17:12

FBGIB, I hope I am wrong, but I reckon Op is going to go along with it

It appears she has no choice in the matter

Or that her only choice is to tell him to fuck off right now and not come back (which would be my choice, if I were put in this situation)

her few posts were strangely accepting of the fait accompli, very Stepford-wifeish

I suspect he has done a number on her of the highest order, and this is how she constantly leads her life, he is a "rolling stone", you know......

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/07/2009 17:14

stellamel,

It is worth pointing out also that Messrs McGregor and Boorman had an office staff. These people took several months to prepare the necessary paperwork and visa requirements. Their help was often needed before and during their journey when these two got detained at various border crossings (at least these two supported and publicised UNICEF on the way; your man is only doing this to "find himself" to which I say balls).

Your man will undoubtedly run into serious problems driving an Enfield bike back from India - he has not considered the implications of this at all has he?. And what were you thinking of by blithely agreeing to it?. You did that for a quiet life?. You dug your own hole here when you did that.

Is this just a midlife crisis on a grand scale or is he running away from life in general?. To take out a loan for the jaunt is irresponsible as well; that will have to be in his sole name, do not put your name to it. And how is this going to be paid back may I ask?. Neither of you may be working as he is talking about quitting his job if they don't give him his sabbatical (sounds of toys being thrown out of his pram). He's being a prat here and I think you know it as well.

Dizzyclarebear · 29/07/2009 17:14

Wait, missed going through active war zone and possible active war zone!!!

How much is his life insured for? You might want to reconsider your support if it's a lot

dittany · 29/07/2009 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

barbarapym · 29/07/2009 17:21

YA really NBU. Not my place to criticise your dp but it seems like a hugely selfish thing for him to do when you've got such small children. Leaving you on your own for six weeks is bad enough, but what if something happened to him? I think you're doing amazing well to support him in it in the first place, let alone organise the bloody thing for him!

BitOfFun · 29/07/2009 17:22

I doubt he'll be able to get insurance for this kind of trip by the sound of it. Which is another dissimilarity to a work trip - nobody has any liability cover for him.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/07/2009 17:23

oh definitely get some good life insurance for him

that way you can wave him off while smiling voraciously (while internetting for diamonds in the background)

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 29/07/2009 17:24

Oh AF I know, that is why I was telling her she needs to think what she is going to do next in terms of managing for ever 6 weeks without him.

I wish she would come back.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2009 17:24

I agree BOF, and any existing life cover for him is likely to be null and void

warthog · 29/07/2009 17:24

jesus. he gets grumbly when you won't organize the whole fucking thing for him??? poor baby. awwwww

i tell you, there would be no way in hell i'd be happy about my dh doing this. unless i was going to a 5 star carribean resort, on my own, straight after for 6 weeks.

take out a loan and look after the dc's on your own? he's got to be joking.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 29/07/2009 17:24

Maybe she has gone to warm his slippers or maybe it is all a story.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/07/2009 17:25

Stepford-wifeish, yes. But with none of the protection that being a wife would bring! No life insurance, no will.

I know there are lots of reasons people don't get married, but IMO once you have kids then you need to provide a proper legal framework for their support should the worst happen. Whether that is through marriage and/or proper provision via a will, life insurance etc doesn't matter. The fact that the OP's partner hasn't done any of this even though he already has a child and another on the way speaks volumes.