DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

[stellamel]

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

'I do think that all adults need to be allowed to abandon their professional and domestic responsibilities from time to time and given some freedom.'

Isn't that what you do when the children have gone to university/left home?

Or before you have children possibly.

Who can afford to 'step off' the work ladder especially these days?

God, I think it's pretty irresponsible to say everyone's entitled to bugger off sometimes. Adults don't "abandon their professional and domestic responsibilites" at the expense of everyone else that they are responsible for.

Well exactly. People are entitled to plan an escape, together, taking into account their circumstances and responsibilities. Sure, it lacks spontaneity but it's a lot less likely to result in death/divorce/execution by MN.

I think that everyone would like to "abandon their professional and domestic responsibilities" at some point in their lives.

The thing is it's just a dream for most of us, just like the one where Anthony Kiedis comes and whisks me away from all this

Dreams are just that, dreams. We can't always have the perfect life, so we imagine better different things. The difference between immaturity and maturity is knowing that they are just dreams.

If the OP's husband is so unhappy with his lot in life, he needs to work out practical ways of changing it so that everyone in their family benefits.Not just disappear to India on a wild goose chase.

Oh he is so SPECIAL isn't he? And he has made you to believe that he is.

Too special to work, to special to do normal things, to special to put up with a crying baby...

I still don't believe he really wants to do it. He is not enthousiastic enough to plan the trip or to work and fund it.

Anyway you know the story, the 16 yr old son asked his father for money to buy condoms. His father said 'if you are old enough to fuck then you are old enough to work and buy your condoms'.

i dont understand the wall chart - were there other people on board to to do the rota? nannies, au pairs, your parents?

if just you and him, you dont need a wall chart...

especially if it just to say you the one to do it!

anyway as you did all the nights before; then it perfectly ok to leave you with toddler and newborn isnt it? (not)

frankly, given last time's concerns i would say - wait til this baby is born - before planning any trip - dont book ANYTHING - you wont know if it going to be dream baby or god forbid have worse issues until it is born... you may well need even more support. and dealing with a toddler who may or may not accept the baby...

but agree with others comments on the whole trip idea - ie tell him forget it, find other ways to find yourself, closer to home and shorter time periods.

i meant too special, not to

From what I can see he is going whatever and you seem happy to support him with conditions which I think is cool if you both can agree.If you can accept his 'need' to do this and really think it will benefit your relationship then let him go with good grace but if it is going to torment you you need to say so now.He seems to have several unsolved life issues and I'm not sure this trip will be enough to sort them all!He probably needs to spend the 4k here in therapy trying to reach a state of calm and acceptance of where his life is.If he is an artist he will find a way eventually kids or no kids but it may just take longer.he needs to recognise this and focus on his family until an opportunity arises to satisfy his own desires without compromising that.I live with a musician and was a painter myself until real life intervened but grtadually we have both returned to our loves and without annoying each other.Good luck when I read your posts again i rahter admired you for your calm and understanding as I am the type who would rant before thinking ina sutuation like this!

cest - I was wondering that about the wallchart as well.

IMO men who won't get up in the night with their kids are the worst sort of git.

Oi! What's wrong with being a Sagittarius? Sure, I love travel, but that does not make me a selfish, irresponsible arsehole!

I did really like the sound of 10 weeks in Indonesia with your baby though... Could go and be a SAHM in Thailand in a hut by the beach... hmmm, wonder if dp would mind...

The only things I would like to add to what's already been said are:
It's not just going to cost 4k - it's the cost of the trip plus what he's not earning while he is away.

No matter how talented he is he will find it very difficult to get another job unless the economy has picked up a lot by then - civil engineering is always the first sector to be affected and the last to recover in a recession.

I can't believe he has no savings at all if he was contracting for 20 years unless he is totally useless with money in which case I would question his ability to repay the loan.

noddyholder - stella might think it's fine, the newborn will not know what it's missing BUT the 4 year old will struggle terribly with not having their dad around for an unknown amount of time doing something dangerous. My husband works away 3 days a week and my 4 and 2 year old punish me for this every week without fail. One week they actually told me that was why they were cross and that they thought it was my fault! LOL. Stella has a duty to consider the stress their existing child will be under as well as her own feelings.

"He'll be able to get some work when he gets back, he has masses of contractor jobs that he could take at any time."

Tell him to luck around... three years ago he would, with this recession I doubt he would have many to choose from.

Many of my friends' husbands have been successful contractors for years (and they have got very rich in the process). However, there is not much going on at the moment, a lot of people have been made redundant, and the contractor world is overcrowded by the usual contractors and the employees that now are trying to do contract work as there are no many jobs around.

I can see many of my friends worried by the situation, they know they are very likely not to be able to continue with their standard of living once their current contracts end.

So, tell him to think it twice, he is unlikely to find a job easily at his return, and... unless he re mortgages the family home, he is unlikely to get a loan if he can't demonstrate he can pay it back.

I do realise that but it seems to me she has decided to support him in this trip and so better to acknowledge that and try to advise for that scenario tbh as from where i'm standing he is going!

Self indulgent time consuming hobbies CHECK
Happily abandons partner and kids CHECK
Shirks off day to day rsposibility CHECK
Has an 'arty' side CHECK
Is rapidly ageing CHECK
Allows people to collude with him against you CHECK
Lived on narrowboat CHECK
Can't bear working for The Man, needs to be independent CHECK
grand plan seems to be pale imitation of blokes on the telly CHECK
He ended up making a wall chart dictating who would get up in the night (she was a poor sleeper) cos he didn't think he should
Ch-ch-ch-checkitly check check CHECK

Cam he honestly sink any lower?
Er.....yes

Has Stella believe that childcare payments are her responsibility.

CHECK

My dp is an "arty-type free spirit", and would love nothing more than to go off to India to meditate in a cave in the Himalayas. I can tick quite a few of the mid-life crisis boxes. He would never work for the MAN in a 9-5 job (but luckily has his own business as a tattoo artist so fine), has had an on-and-off fling with interesting facial hair (though thankfully none now) and loves his motorbike. He needs to feel "free" and has been known to remind me that no-one will ever "domesticate" him. (Nod, smile, yes dear!)

Why do I say "yes dear" to all his "free spirit" chest-beating? Because he washes the dishes and mops the floor, changes pooey nappies and gets up with me at night when dd is teething and screaming the house down. I asked him about your situation OP and he said that quite apart from the fact that the trip itself is madness, he could understand your dp has a "dream" that he feels he has to fulfil, but that he personally could never leave me and our dd like that while she's still in nappies. He's a responsible father.

I know this has been said before, but why can't your dp wait a few years? Why can't he do two weeks somewhere safer?

The Op's dh is by no means the only one to have ideas like this. My friends dh decided to cycle from lands End to John O Groats when she was 8 months pregnant, vomiting and fainting on an almost daily basis.. AND he was going to take a female 'friend' from his office as his back up driver!

And he did it! But his folks were the back up support instead. Sheesh.

We were all supposed to pat him on the back as he droned on about his 'journey'...when all I actually wanted to do was punch him on the chin.

Riven, could you bring me back some proper Parma ham please?