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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

665 replies

stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:28

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

OP posts:
hf128219 · 30/07/2009 15:29

Forget the loan. Forget the unreasonable bit.

This is just bonkers from a safety point of view. Dangerous.

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 15:32

On another note... my first dd cried for six months too, and I thought I was a crap mum... second was a dream baby.

Thanks itwasntme! nice dream baby!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 15:32

oh right stella, the obvious solution to why you can't afford for him to make this trip is to put yourself into debt then !

on what level does that make any sense ?

LindenAvery · 30/07/2009 15:33

stella you don't 'earn nothing' why do you assume the childcare comes out of your wage - it comes out of both incomes.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 15:33

< has a borrow of BOf's new stick >

AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 15:35

nooooooooo

I could not take it if we now find out that stellas wage goes on childcare, bits for the house, grocery shopping shopping, bills

And his goes on...er, him

Please stella, tell me it aint so

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 15:36

Hf, it's okay, because this guy is Indiana Jones on a bike, innit?

AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 15:37

I have to leave this thread

I have turned into someone who keeps making digs and I don't like it

I will watch from now on and keep my snippy comments to myself

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 15:39

Shall I take over then, Anyfucker? I can see my descent into puerile googling has already begun...

AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 15:39

-x-

hocuspontas · 30/07/2009 15:39

I give you 10 mins or 1 more post from Stella

whoisasking · 30/07/2009 15:40

I think the overreach has been reached.

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 15:41

No don't worry people, I just class the CM as coming from my wage as I do the banking, and I mentally deduct it from my wage. We have a joint account, and he isn't tight, but like me he gets stressed when the pot isn't as it should be

OP posts:
Katz · 30/07/2009 15:41

stella - there is some very sage advice here, i think you need to take some time out and leave your dd with him for a couple of days to have a long think about things. Take some time out for you and work out what it is you want out of life. Is the course your doing going to result in a job you want to do for the rest of your life? is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? is this the family life you want your daughter and new baby to see as 'normal'? and like others have said what would your mum say to you about the situation and what would you sy to your daughter if she came to you with the same question you posted above?

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 15:44

I'd better be off too, Stellamel, but all the best from me, and I hope you get something sorted pet - I look forward to hearing your update. And please, take my stick, it's a fresh one!

scrappydappydoo · 30/07/2009 15:45

I've sat and read this whole thread whilst dds have trashed the house
Completely agree about everything so far - dangerous, expensive, selfish..
I don't understand this 'finding himself' bit - what does he want to get out of the trip - and how does he think its going to solve anything? (serious not rhetorical question).
Will he keep doing this type of thing for all significant birthdays?
Is there anyone who can talk sense into him? Apart from most mnet is there anyone on your side???
Please when you sit and talk with him say look do you realise how this is going to affect ME?? emotionally, financially etc and how is this going to affect our relationship??
How does he think its going to affect his dd (6 weeks is a long time to a 3yr old) espec with arrival of dc2?

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 30/07/2009 15:46

Maybe he is amazing in bed...

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 15:47

Thanks Katz. I am about to leave work now. I'm going to spend some serious time thinking on things, and assimilating the advice I've been given. Then I will have some time with DP and see what we can sort out.

Thanks again everyone for your invaluable time and comments

OP posts:
crumpet · 30/07/2009 15:50

Time away from the 3 year old is a good point - occasionally DH has to travel and my 6 and 3 year old do miss him - their behaviour is noticably different if he is away on a 2 week trip. At least it is never longer than 2 weeks max.

JuJusDad · 30/07/2009 15:50

stellamel - fair enough, hoped you'd be able to give good explanation and you have.

Unfortunately, your explanation just comes back round to a recurring theme on the thread - since the £4k will be a loan, there are far more important things to be spending such money on than his self-indulgent wankery.

And again shows the difference between your responsible attitude to your DC's and the future, and his attitude.

You are his rock. Be very VERY sure in yourself that you are not going to be his stepping stone.

That means you need reassurance and proof (in the form of action) that he values you and his family, and that he makes a consistent, valuable contribution to your family unit.

My ex would make contributions, but I always wondered when she'd decide she couldn't be bothered playing house any more and then shove off for a bit for whatever reason. I freely admit that I could've done better also, but then I never got up and left our DD for days and weeks at a time.

As has been stated, if he can't find more acceptable ways to get his head straight, and he goes on this trip, then he'll do it again, and again and again. Because you let him do it this time.

Ah, hell. Maybe he's just all stressed out from the job he hates, the financial strain you've had, the fact that he has a family which is expanding, and so is burying his head in this fantasy as a way of hiding from it all. IE, it'll never actually happen.

mumof2teenboys · 30/07/2009 15:55

If there won't be enough in the pot, don't GO.
By all means, have some 'me time' in this country, but not a jolly to India with NO MONEY.

If you don't earn enough to support yourself, what are you going to do when he is away? Is he leaving a slush fund in the bank to pay mortgage/bills/car/shopping etc?

If you can't afford this trip without relying on a loan, then he CAN'T have it, its that simple.

He is being truly selfish, pathetic and childish to think that this is vaguely ok.

ipiratethief · 30/07/2009 15:58

is he a Saggitarius? I always ask this !

AnybodyHomeMcFly · 30/07/2009 16:00

A
fucking
WALLCHART??????

Would just about understand it if it was to support you by pledging to get up every other night or whatever but no, it was to make sure he didn't put himself out too much for his newborn child and her exhausted mother. Lovely.

mumof2teenboys · 30/07/2009 16:00

'and he isn't tight, but like me he gets stressed when the pot isn't as it should be'

But the pot isn't going to be as it should is it? He's taking time out of the workplace to go abroad and funding it with a fucking loan.

Am I going mad? How can he even consider doing this? He doesn't like not having a pot in the bank, but will happily use money that isn't his to fund his 'dream'

Sounds like a total prick to me.

Megglevache · 30/07/2009 16:13

Stella, I wish you were my friend, I would spoil you rotten

and put laxatives in your DP's tea whenever possible too