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Original poster

DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

665 replies

stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:28

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2009 14:52

"He ended up making a wall chart dictating who would get up in the night (she was a poor sleeper) cos he didn't think he should".

He did what!!. Did he not know that as a rule babies are poor sleepers!!. And why exactly did he not think he should get up?. She's his child as well.

"He's worried how things will be with the new baby too, but so am I".

I'm sure he is so very worried hence this jaunt to India. You on the other hand have far more reason to be concerned.

midnightexpress · 30/07/2009 14:53

In case you're interested, I told DP about ths thread (also something of a creative manque, but with more sense than to go off on an odyssey like this), and his take was:

'Yes, he's obviously looking for the Hero within himself, but at the age of 40 the Hero within himself should be changing to the Wise Father-Figure. Suggest that he goes and sits up a pole for a few weeks. If he is having a midlife crisis now, just wait till he hits 50.'

expatinscotland · 30/07/2009 15:03

'I do think that all adults need to be allowed to abandon their professional and domestic responsibilities from time to time and given some freedom.'

Yes, but Anna, this guy wants to take a £4K loan to do it. Oh, and unpaid time off/jack in his job.

Fair enough, if he at least had the money to do it.

But he hasn't.

And mugglewump, you took the kid with you.

He wants to leave them all behind.

LoveBeingAMummy · 30/07/2009 15:04

Not quite sure what i can add that won't seem a bit harsh tbh. Your DP has spent his whole life doing whatever he wants with no responsibility. And because he's turning 40 he think he can fuck off where ever he likes for however long he likes and your sister is telling you its your problem if you don't want him to go - HELLO I don't think so. On top of all of that your not seen as suppportive cause you won't plan it out for him.

You need to give him a sharpe taste of reality,would he be happy for you to go away for 6 weeks, not keeping in touch probably very often, and leaving him with two children I don't think so!

VinegarTits · 30/07/2009 15:04
AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 15:04

mugg, notice the difference there........

you took your child with you

moondog · 30/07/2009 15:04

Self indulgent time consuming hobbies CHECK
Happily abandons partner and kids CHECK
Shirks off day to day rsposibility CHECK
Has an 'arty' side CHECK
Is rapidly ageing CHECK
Allows people to collude with him against you CHECK
Lived on narrowboat CHECK
Can't bear working for The Man, needs to be independent CHECK

grand plan seems to be pale imitation of blokes on the telly CHECK

He ended up making a wall chart dictating who would get up in the night (she was a poor sleeper) cos he didn't think he should
Ch-ch-ch-checkitly check check CHECK

Cam he honestly sink any lower?

PlumBumMum · 30/07/2009 15:06

VT

Blackduck · 30/07/2009 15:06

VT GET BACK HERE NOW AND PICK UP THIS MESS.....

AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 15:07

BonsoirAnna, and you would be perfectly happy with the timing of this Boys Own jaunt, would you ??

On last count, 5 in favour

454 against

VinegarTits · 30/07/2009 15:08

I think he is forgetting his role in your relationship, he is a parent and his is not rich, sure its fine for adults to time 'time out' from responsibilites, if he can afford it and not at the expense his your family/other people, and by expense i mean leaving you to cope alone with 2 babies

expatinscotland · 30/07/2009 15:08

'I do think that all adults need to be allowed to abandon their professional and domestic responsibilities from time to time and given some freedom.'

Sure, don't have kids then and it's easy peasy to abandon pretty much whatever you want.

JuJusDad · 30/07/2009 15:10

I like midnightexpress's comments - spot on.

stellamel - I hope you won't be offended, and I think it has already been touched on within this thread, but there's something that's been bugging me.

Need loan for £4k.

Leaving aside that this will be woefully inadequate for the proposed suicide mission jaunt, DP was civil engineer, now project manager. That's gotta equal pretty decent pay, especially when he was previously contracting and feels certain that returning to contracting will be more than easy for him.

No savings of his own to waste spend on this? Not even a paltry £4k when he's surely been earning a decent wage for some years?

Plus, of course, you work part time.

I really hope I've got this wrong somewhere or somehow.

VinegarTits · 30/07/2009 15:12

i shall rephrase that peace of poo:

I think he is forgetting his role in life/your relationship, he is a parent and he is not rich, sure its fine for adults to take 'time out' from responsibilites, but only if he can afford it and it is not at the expense his family/other people, and by expense i mean leaving you to cope alone with 2 babies

there thats better

moondog · 30/07/2009 15:19

My dh goes on jaunts-last one involved sailing in the Baltic.
I go on jaunts-last one was a shindig in Arizona.

The thing is we can a.) afford them, b.)only do them if it is 100% ok with the other person and c.) share our responsibilities to our children equally.

crumpet · 30/07/2009 15:19

Anna, but it so far doesn't look as if the DP has accepted the professional and domestic responsibilities in the first place in order to be able to abandon them! you can't abandon something if you don't have it in the first place!

AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 15:21

good point crumpet !

you don't deserve time off if you haven't put the effort in already

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 15:22

Hear hear

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 15:23
muggglewump · 30/07/2009 15:24

lone parent.
I'm happy to loan her to anyone for a huge small fee though.

I still don't have a problem with someone going away on their own to an adventurous place though, to get a break, be freer from responsibilty, find themselves etc, so long as they do it sensibly, and borrowing money and going to a war zone is far from sensible.
Of course the OP would need to get time too.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 30/07/2009 15:25

Is this a wind-up? Can someone really say that a 'D'P was being supportive when he drew up a wallchart to demonstrate why he shouldn't get up in the night? I think I have to leave this thread now. And as I've hidden 'lone parents' and 'bereavements' I'm guessing I won't see Stella again...

itwasntme · 30/07/2009 15:25

Stellamel

You really need to sit him down and talk some sense into him..

It seems like an expensive game of Russian Roulette he's playing - those countries are INCREDIBLY dangerous now. He may know someone who has done the same trip, but I'll wager it was done a good while ago.

As others have said 4k is a lot of money to owe when you have small children.

In principle I support your dh's desire to see unusual parts of the world... I hope to get a rucksack back on my back at some point too... but when my kids are older. But it really is a badly thought out plan.

My suggestion is this: research insurance, visas, etc. You WILL find out that will be impossible to sort out in just a few months.

Suggest that he postpones his trip by one year, by which time he should have had time to realise how mad he is save enough money to make the trip, and hopefully the political situation in Iran will have calmed down. If he insists on makng the same trip, then he may even find someone fool enough to go with him (hopefully with a knowledge of mechanics)

On another note... my first dd cried for six months too, and I thought I was a crap mum... second was a dream baby.

AddictedtoCrunchies · 30/07/2009 15:28

I've been lurking this thread since it started and I'm sad that someone as obviously lovely as the OP is letting this knobjockey even contemplate this trip.

My answer (for what it's worth) would be 'if you go then don't bother coming back.'

I'd rather be on my own than live with a man who wanted to

a) be away from me and DS
b) didn't do his share of the chores
c) wanted to jack in his job in the current climate
d) created a wall chart to do the night feeds (wtf?)

That's what I think.

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 15:29

Ju Jus Dad, he does earn a decent wage, but we bought a house at the peak of the property boom, and had to gut it from the ground up, we used all our savings doing this. Then his flat we couldn't sell so had to rent it out, then roof collapsed meaning tenants had to move out, property was empty for 8 months whilst repairs done paying 2 mortgages was a killer.

I earn nothing after I've paid my childminder and petrol (live a good way from work). Stayed in work tho, to avoid gap in CV. We're trying to get straight now, but can't see there being enough in the pot by next June.

OP posts:
muggglewump · 30/07/2009 15:29

And he would have had to be a decent husband and father in the first place which this guy sounds like he is not.