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Original poster

DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

665 replies

stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:28

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

OP posts:
lizziemun · 30/07/2009 13:32

If he knew back in Jan he 'wanted to go find himself' why didn't he

A. save at least double as to what he thinks it going to cost (include the cost of your home bills and childcare) there is no reason as to why you should cover household bils just because he dicided to go away.

B. Make sure he could take extended leave and have a job to come back to.

C. Start planning and getting visa organised in Jan.

D. Sort out will and life/travel ins before now, and only doing this because you have told him to.

He hasn't done any of these things because your the adult in this relationship and it your responsibilites to sort all the above so he can do his thing.

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 13:38

I'm not sure it'd do much good to let him read this! He'd just blame stellamel for making him look horrible! I think she just needs to deal with this quietly at home. Decide what she needs and tell him. If he can't consider her needs what good is there in being together? I always do a risk/reward balance to decide about these things:

risks:

death of DP
imprisonment of DP
harm coming to DP
family finances damaged
DP left without a job in a recession
Stellamel left with children on own for unspecified amount of time.

rewards:

DP has a nice time.
DP lives a dream.

I really think he should be able to see that the children are both of yours and he has to ask if it is OK to leave them with you for such a long period of time. If it is not OK he wouldn't go. That's if he was at all concerned with anyone other than himself. Give him time to understand these things. If he still chooses to go regardless then you and your children are infinitely better off without him.

AnybodyHomeMcFly · 30/07/2009 13:49

Speaking as the mother of 2.6 yo and a 4mo, I have found 2nd baby easier to handle on the having a clue what to do front but I have to say the two of them toghether are sheer bloody physical hard work. Heavy lifting, heavy pushing and heavy dragging the toddler off the little one when he's going to give her yet another over enthusiastic hug. When my dh goes away for 5 days in a row I am literally on my knees by the end of it - how're you gonna cope for 6 wks? It is a physical dereliction of his duty as a father and partner to be away for so long for an expensive jolly.

Issy · 30/07/2009 13:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 13:54

Had my 40th, went to Paris with DP for 4 days. Lovely time!

No he doesn't seem to fit many of the Narcissists traits in the pink box. I think he is just searching for something he feels he's missing.

I take on board all that you are saying everyone - I feel like I have to look at myself as well as him, Quibbler makes some good points about my own role in this.

Some guy- Brutally honest, I'm too nervous about the first 6 months of new baby's life to contemplate an out of the ordinary trip, I made such a cock up of my DD first 6 months, I don't want to repeat that again (bad birth, BF disaster, dd cried for 6 months)

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 30/07/2009 13:57

pingviner "The trouble is that no one who goes off to 'find themselves' ever comes back saying - "well, thats it, Im an accountant then, better knuckle down and get on with it" "

so true

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 13:58

Ah, your Common or Garden Selfish Tool then (subspecies Mid-Life Crisis Bumroundasia). That's something anyway

kittywise · 30/07/2009 14:02

trip round somewhere exotic won't make any difference to his "restless rolling stoneness"

Catz · 30/07/2009 14:11

Sella - what are your hopes/dreams/ambitions for the future? Say over the next 1, 5 and 10 yrs? We've heard so much about him, what would you really like?

Blackduck · 30/07/2009 14:13

Okay

  1. life coaches do not all go around suggesting that you take a 4k, across warzones trip on a motorbike to find yourself. Most would say you do it where you are, cos, guess what, you are going to take yourself with you!! So have to say I am not impressed by your sister's view at all...
  2. Thing about his hobbies and how he is unhappy he doesn't get to do them as much now adays - well join the club mate, thats what happens when you grow up, and work, and have relationships and have CHILDREN!
  3. So you get to hold it all together whilst he swans off....AND you are retraining so he can do something he wants to do....Hey, how about he stays at home and seriously works on getting the photography thing off the ground? Nah, too much like HARD work...
VinegarTits · 30/07/2009 14:17

I have no words

except he doesnt deserve to have you and your dc in his life

cyteen · 30/07/2009 14:19

stella, what was your DP's role in your DD's first 6 months? Was he a supportive parent, did you work together?

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 14:22

Not much stumps our VinegarTits either...this is baaaad.

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 14:29

cyteen - he was like me, pretty shell shocked and stunned by how things were. He was great at helping, expect the getting up at night/early mornings! who is tho? He ended up making a wall chart dictating who would get up in the night (she was a poor sleeper) cos he didn't think he should. He's worried how things will be with the new baby too, but so am I.

OP posts:
hocuspontas · 30/07/2009 14:33

Stella - are you just trying to hang onto him longer than his exs? Sub-consciously trying to prove that you have 'tamed' him?

He wants it all. But he wants you to do all the leg-work, keep the home-fires burning and be there if he decides to come home. Honestly, without knowing a thing about him, he's not worth it. (The bit about not doing any housework was the final nail in the coffin for me. Lazy git)

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 14:33

Well, at least he's made sure he's got a jolly to look forward to.

I have to say, there aren't many situations which would make you think getting shot by bandits would be a blessed relief, but a crying newborn waking up all night is one of them. Where's your "me-time" though? Oh, that's right, you're going to fit something low-key in around your responsibilities, like grown-ups do.

BonsoirAnna · 30/07/2009 14:35

Can I be a lone voice in support of stellamel's DP?

While I think that some aspects of the proposed trip need to be refined (biking through a war zone sounds really complicated and ought to be investigated more thoroughly - and I sure that once it is, the DP in question will come to his senses on that bit), I do think that all adults need to be allowed to abandon their professional and domestic responsibilities from time to time and given some freedom.

More often than not, IME, that freedom, while enjoyed, gives a great realisation of the comforts of home and Western-style living. And people return refreshed, ready to reinvest in their lives and with renewed vision and energy.

Blackduck · 30/07/2009 14:37

he made a wall chart indicating who should get up, because he didn't think he should....

He is a selfish tosser....

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 14:40

Oh Anna, you gotta love ya! I know you have a point, but SIX WEEKS? I linked to some cool alternatives (safe ones) earlier in the thread, so it's not that I think people should have their nose to the stone all day year-in year-out, but there are limits...

LindenAvery · 30/07/2009 14:42

Ditto BoF - and Anna what are the chances of OP's OH letting her do the same? Oh I forgot she's not a rolling stone arty type is she?

muggglewump · 30/07/2009 14:44

I'm half with Anna.
I think the actual trip is preposterous. If it was 3 weeks in India without the bike, and you get to have three weeks to do whatever you want at a later date, then I'd have been in support.

It's not the going away I would have an issue with, but the war zone, bike, and length of time I would.

I know it's not really the same but I took my then just turned one yr old to Indonesia for 10 weeks. I'd had a shit year (not saying the OP's husband has), and what I needed was to drop out of real life for a while.
I came back a million times better and ready to be a loan parent. I couldn't come to terms with it before that.

I think 3 weeks away from responsibility could be good.

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 14:46

A loan parent? Do you hire your child out then? How do I get into this line of work?

hocuspontas · 30/07/2009 14:46

Beat me to it BoF!

Blackduck · 30/07/2009 14:48

I think for me it is the length of time, plus the fact it is clearly badly thought through, BUT the main sticking point for me, is OP is now pragnant, had a less than stunning time with first one and he is even considering the idea of putting it off, or going for a shorter time. It's the 'me, me, me' aspect that grates...

squeaver · 30/07/2009 14:51

Does he have interesting facial hair, stella?

Does he still like to wear rock band t-shirts?

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