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Original poster

DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

665 replies

stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:28

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

OP posts:
moondog · 30/07/2009 13:09

Oh, I need to add narrowboat bit to list

Self indulgent time consuming hobbies CHECK
Happily abandons partner and kids CHECK
Shirks off day to day rsposibility CHECK
Has an 'arty' side CHECK
Is rapidly ageing CHECK
Allows people to collude with him against you CHECK

Lived on narrowboat CHECK

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 13:09

Another quote of the week contender from ninedragons there...

SomeGuy · 30/07/2009 13:09

There are lots of men like this MorrisZapp. 60 year old men still living with their mothers, dole bludgers, etc.

Or the twat I know of, he got married to an Indonesian woman, had a child with her (in Indonesia), was apparently very 'protective' of wife & child (didn't let anyone else see them), but then after a couple of years abandoned her completely and fucked off to England.

And no child support for her, he was 'studying' (at the age of 29 or something like that) and couldn't/wouldn't. She said she'd just asked him to buy her son a tricycle for his birthday but he hadn't managed that.

She'd previously told me, years before, that she didn't like Indonesian men because she was in an abusive relationship with one.

Last I heard his mother was sending her £30/month. I'm not sure what the maternal reaction is to having a full-grown son who is a complete twat TBH.

I phoned the CSA to see if she could get a proper judgement against him, but apparently not as she is not in the UK (and has no right to come either).

bleh · 30/07/2009 13:10

Not the whole Trillian. Thedolly agreed with the DP. That was it.

theQuibbler · 30/07/2009 13:11

If you could afford it, you should go for counselling, yourself.

I?m not having a go, at all. It?s just you sound like you could do with examining why you put yourself at the bottom of the pile.

Your sister is right in one way about accepting responsibility. And that includes accepting responsibility for your behaviour.

You need to understand why you think this is OK on some level ? I can?t hear anything of you in this, stellamel. Nothing at all.

What do you want? Do you want him to go, but with the proviso that he recognises what an amazing partner you are? Because that?s not healthy ? you don?t need him to validate you.

Saying to him: ?No, this is stupid. What about me? What about your child??, doesn?t make you a nag, or dull, or humdrum, or mundane. I bet he hates people that he considers ?drones?, doesn?t he?

As much as he is being a selfish twit, you are letting him get away with being
a selfish twit. You should find out why. And then I bet you?re going to find you don?t really want him anyway.

doggiesayswoof · 30/07/2009 13:12

"I have lived in Asia long enough to tell you that any person who feels they can only find themselves in India/Tibet/Burma is a self-absorbed cunt who thinks third-world poverty is picturesque and somehow authentic."

Ninedragons - so true.

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 13:12

(Is thedolly real though? Or the sister?) The plot thickens...

only joking, but I think expat was quite near the mark with the bong comment

doggiesayswoof · 30/07/2009 13:13

The bong comment of expat's was hilarious

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 13:13

doggiesayswoof - my DH said that too initially. He even planned going for a whole weekend instead of one night for the stag do and was not going to tell me, just run away, purely to spite me! We laugh about it now.

Sometimes they stick with it sometimes they come round. If he is willing to effectively separate from OP and will not consider her needs, never mind. He is are all the things everyone has said. But give him time to come around - it could just be a pipe dream really he'd be fair enough to be confused by her changing her mind.

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 13:14

Moondog,

Can't bear working for The Man, needs to be independent

CHECK

sarah293 · 30/07/2009 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

moondog · 30/07/2009 13:20

Self indulgent time consuming hobbies CHECK
Happily abandons partner and kids CHECK
Shirks off day to day rsposibility CHECK
Has an 'arty' side CHECK
Is rapidly ageing CHECK
Allows people to collude with him against you CHECK
Lived on narrowboat CHECK

Can't bear working for The Man, needs to be independent CHECK

Thanks for that BOF.Will update on regular basis.

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 13:22

Wondering if any of this rings beels with you, stellamel. Bits of it are leaping out at me from some things you've said, but you've got a better picture.

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 13:22

Someguy - yes I'm interested in some trip beyond the ordinary (had dullest holiday ever this year in spain, vowed no more!). But this Enfield India trip is his dream, not mine, which is why I am on board with it.

Trans Siberian train journey, then sign me up, babes and all! but in a few years when DC 2 is out of nappies!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 13:24

What's a beel?

sarah293 · 30/07/2009 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 13:26

The very last paragraph on that page is telling you know, when you think that he has always had a girl in tow:

"Narcissists hate to live alone. Their inner resources are skimpy, static, and sterile, nothing interesting or attractive going on in their hearts and minds, so they don't want to be stuck with themselves. All they have inside is the image of perfection that, being mere mortals like the rest of us, they will inevitably fall short of attaining."

OmicronPersei8 · 30/07/2009 13:27

stellamel - you, as a parent, naturally say 'sign me up, babes and all! but in a few years when DC 2 is out of nappies'. You can dream, but immediately think of, and include, your responsibilities as a parent and ultimately your children. If only your dp did the same.

TrillianAstra · 30/07/2009 13:27

Read the rest now.

Stellamel you sound great, please don't take anything we've said about your DP as ajudgement on you.

YOu said he would flip out if he read this thread. Would that really be such a bad thing? He probably thinks he is being reasonable, and that anyone could see that he needs to do this. Maybe it would help for him to see that (nearly) everyone thiinks he is both mad and unbelieveably selfish.

SomeGuy · 30/07/2009 13:28

Very small children travel quite well, breast feeding keeps them safe from unhygienic food, baby will sleep a lot of the time, etc. 4-6 months is a pretty good time to travel. An overland loop from Bangkok would be quite practical, visit Siem Reap, etc.

kittywise · 30/07/2009 13:28

How exactly can you find yourself anywhere. but where you actually are?

Did he leave himself somewhere?

As the saying goes " wherever you go, there you are"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2009 13:29

stellamel,

Why are you on board with his "dream" exactly?. Where does this leave you, not just to say your children?. His jaunt is just but one symptom of relationship problems between you.

Why are you seemingly content on placing your own feelings and wants well down the list below his priorities?. Do you not really think you deserve better?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now and what exactly does he bring to your relationship. From what I read you're doing all the legwork and he provides nothing of any real emotional value.
Quite apart from anything else what are you both teaching your kids about relationships here?.

zazen · 30/07/2009 13:30

"You don't meet many Indians who've had to journey to Milton Keynes to find themselves."
That's a classic ninedragons. I love it.

There are many ways of expressing yourself through travel stella, maybe a trip round asia with older and more manageable kiddies for YOUR 40th. And put his indulgent solo trip on hold till you can all go and have fun together as a Family.

See how he likes that idea...
How he responds will be very indicative I think.

TotalChaos · 30/07/2009 13:32

grand plan seems to be pale imitation of blokes on the telly CHECK

?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2009 13:32

Narcissists hate to live alone. Their inner resources are skimpy, static, and sterile, nothing interesting or attractive going on in their hearts and minds, so they don't want to be stuck with themselves. All they have inside is the image of perfection that, being mere mortals like the rest of us, they will inevitably fall short of attaining."

Again this is very true. BIL does not live alone, he has his parents to run around after him and keep him sweet (cos he throws tantrums otherwise!). He is, in his own head, a high powered businessman.