DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

[stellamel]

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

he sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too, wild adventure and a family waiting for him at home.

God this thread's making me sad. It's all about what he needs, but what about what his children need - a daddy who isn't a flake, who has time for then without letting them know he resents the intrusion on his precious time, hell, a daddy who's not dead or stuck in a cell in lahore...

stella you get first prize for humility. I mean that genuinely. This thread could easily have been interpreted as a kicking or you could have taken it on board with some sort of grudge but not you.

this man does not deserve you. someone else out there does. someone who doesn't see a humble and honest person and then takes advantage.

There is supporting your partner to follow their dreams and then there is stellamel.

Oh dear Stella, I've read the whole thread and have to say I agree with everyone here.

But this is the man YOU chose to be with, YOU chose to have children with.

He is not suitable partner/father material is he? But I'm sure you knew that deep down.

And I think you know that your relationship won't last much longer ANYWAY, whether he goes or not.

You mentioned that you knew him in 6th form and that he was very talented - were you a bit in awe of him back then? Maybe you're still seeing the potential he had when he was younger and seeing yourself as being lucky to end up with the coolest boy in school? The guy who was the coolest boy in my 6th form is no longer much of a catch, but I can imagine myself thinking 'wow, he likes me' before shaking myself and remembering that he's bound to like me as I'm now totally out of his league

hear hear moondog.

You know there are many ways that men can feel in connection with their masculine side - joining the TA and doing some volunteering - building stone walls and the like.

Nothing would give my Dh greater pleasure than a weekend away learning how to dig a ditch, build a straw bale house, or lay a stone wall (phnear).

6 weeks away
a loan
giving up his job because it cramps his style
a dangerous trip through war zones and no chopper ride out
being sulky that you won't help him plan the logistics, because he needs you to spoon feed him
away from you and your DCs at a very vulnerable time, especially with the last birth being so rough..

and it's still all about him.

He's not Tom Cruise is he?

Please look out for and after yourself.

i still like my idea of him 'finding himself' on a national cycle route trail between John O'Groats and Land's End towing DC1 behind his bike. He will find lots of time to (safely) himself alright ~ with the help of the load he is towing.

and give you a six week break from him and said DC1. Perfect!

no way, zazen, tom cruise actually gets paid for fucking off, leaving his wife with an army of staff, of course.

The thing is, yuo can have adventures with your kids and partner. We've had lots, through remote parts of Turkey, backpacking in Malaysia and Thailand, exploring Bangladesh [where we are now]. Dh wants to do those things with us, not without us, funnily enough.

Spot on pseoudoname, this is the most openminded, friendly and non-defensive OP we've met in a long time isn't it.

OP, you sound like an absolute darling.

I have a friend who has kids with a 'free spirit'. Apparently he 'can't work in an office' or work '9 to 5' as he is a creative person.

Sadly he is so creative he has had to move back in with his parents as he can't support himself at the age of 38 - never has done - and her DCs don't get a penny from him, nor any quality time with him as he is a self indulgent tosser.

Not exactly same as OP but I have to say that as soon as I hear the word 'creative' my hackles do rise. As for free spirit, rolling stone etc, well that's just embarrassing at his age.

Hi Stellamel

I have been thinking a lot about this thread.

You see I'd love to do what your DP wants to do. OK without the motorbike but something very similar. Also I know that if I asked DH if I could go then he would say yes. Not because he is a doormat but because he knows that I'd only ask if I thought it was really important to me and he'd know that I'd have thought through the consequences for the whole family. Wanting to spend 6 weeks away from your family does not necessarily make you a selfish nutter and I think that in principle you are right to try and support him in following his dreams.

BUT your DP is being a selfish nutter because he is only taking himself into account. Doing this when you have such young children is not in the best interests of your family it is just in the best interests of him. From the day that ds1 was born I started making my decisions based on what is best for us as a family and I know that dh does the same. If I decide to go on a trip like this it would be because I could hand-on-heart say that it was in the best interests of my family, and this is why I would never do what he is suggesting. What your DP is doing shows that he thinks he can live a life where his own interests come first and this is a very bad sign.

At the end of the day it has to be his decision whether he should go, but if he does decide to go then you have a very clear statement from him about what his priorities are and how much you and your dc matter to him.

I feel a bit dammed if I do dammed if I don't. But what I am sure of if I do put my foot down and say 'No', the relationship will go down faster than the Titanic.

Perhaps not such a bad thing. He should have cancelled/postponed indefinitely the minute he got you pregnant.

He got promoted to project manager last year (against his wishes, responsibility issue again), he succeeds in-spite of himself. He has been a contractor for his entire career, until we had DD 3 years ago. He has lived in over 20 places, even lived on a narrowboat for a while. Always, always has a GF in tow, and despite responsibility issues is very devoted whilst with them, no cheating, no wandering, traveling huge distances to see them etc. But he finished all relationships after 3 years tops. He has never been engaged/married, has no other kids.

So he basically is incapable of being a responsible father. Big problem I think.

Wreck - he's all guns blazing at the mo with the organisation of it. He'd like me to go if things were different, if we were a couple and not a family. But it's not my dream, it's his.

So you're not interested at all in anything of this nature?

There would be more viable trips than this that you could go on (assuming you've got the finances of course), e.g., family trip around SE Asia - Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, Burma, etc. are generally speaking safe while still being a bit closer to the edge than Milton Keynes.

watch this clip of the banged up abroad programme.

its about a guy doing a motorcycle road trip through S/America.

these things happen and not everyone can get out like he did.

God this thread's making me sad. It's all about what he needs, but what about what his children need - a daddy who isn't a flake, who has time for then without letting them know he resents the intrusion on his precious time, hell, a daddy who's not dead or stuck in a cell in lahore...

He doesn't seem to know what he wants. He wants you and the DCs to be there (presumably waiting patiently for him at home, knitting socks and anticipating his return) but he wants to retain his old life. But, he's a father. He is responsible for looking after two children. There will be a time in future when he will be able to do more, as will you, but for now you can't run off and abandon and new born and a toddler to go arsing around Asia for 6 weeks, with the high likelihood of death. For goodness sake's, think of the rest of us! Some blokey turning up on a motorbike in Iran with a British passport? Could be a major diplomatic incident leading to WW3.

Instead, buy him this book and then start planning a trip as a family.

And please send your sister to us too Stellamel, I think she could do with a talking-to

I don't know about some of the extremely harsh things some people have said about the OP's DP. Surely everyone has the right to dreams and to feel tempted by them. Sometimes it is a partners job to stamp on said dreams/desires if they unreasonably compromise the rest of the family. I've done it for DH (friend's italian wedding) and he's done it for me (huge expensive new pram we couldn't afford for twins). This is healthy. You can't always see past your own temptation and enabling someone to have something they want at someone else's (great) expense is a silly idea, not hugely desirable humility! I'm not sure any of us know her DP is SO useless, let's give him the benefit of the doubt! Lol

I also wondered if your sister might (consciously or not) be a bit keen on you also being in the same single parent boat as her for a while

Skimmed thread and feeling a bit

The only way someone gets to 40 still behaving like this is because they've always been allowed to. Because there's always someone else to do the boring bits.

Probably been said already.

Stellamel I hope you get the support you need with the new baby from somewhere - it ain't going to come from him it seems, whether you are still together or not.

curiositykilled the OP said her DP was going anyway, whether she objected or not.

I have honestly read all 16 pages with a face like

I have lived in Asia long enough to tell you that any person who feels they can only find themselves in India/Tibet/Burma is a self-absorbed cunt who thinks third-world poverty is picturesque and somehow authentic.

You don't meet many Indians who've had to journey to Milton Keynes to find themselves.

Read about half - is this really really real? Or just a test of if there is anything that the whole of MN can ever agree on?

Ninedragons