DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

[stellamel]

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

stellamel - glad you are able to come back and still be on this thread after all that's been said so far.

In your own words: "I've just had a wake-up call and I need to get my head round it for sure".

So sorry you had to get it this way. But I'm guessing that although you posted in the hope that you'd get support in the sense of "yes, you are an angel and he should really appreciate you and that 6 weeks really is a long time", you weren't expecting to hear "your DP's a knobber, get rid cos he's not that into you and the family anyway", even though you did know it at some level.

Take your time, think it all through before you make your next move, don't talk to your sister as she's got more than enough of her own brainwashing issues, get some good advice on what's likely to happen when if you become a single mum. (council, CAB, etc)

Take care of your and your dc's. There's been some harsh (and some hilarious) comments on here, but that's what it's like. There's also one hell of a lot of support - those mnetters really would happily travel & queue to kick him in the nuts till he sees sense / passes out.

only just skim read this - but he does sound like a selfish man who actually wants you to 'give him permission' to go off and do exactly what he wants.

You really do need to make it clear to him that you are not happy about this and he has to make the choice himself.

The compromise could be that you use the 4k to do something for you all as a family - as that should be far more important to him now than following his own dreams.

FFS even when people are terminally ill and know they have limited time they are not usually so selfish.

good luck with setting your boundaries - tell him what you are prepared to now accept (and it is ok if that has changed now you have had time to think about it), and then the decision will be all his and you will not have to feel guilty about it at least.

d'oh. Take care of you

Stella - you don't need a man like this, even though you are not married he is dumping all the emotional responsibilities onto you. Leave him - may be the one thing that might get him to wake up and smell the coffee about all he stands to lose.

If he doesn't make amends then you have your answer.

This thread is in agreement - OHs agreeing too - no one has to like that things may have to change after children but that's part of the deal, most people try to find other things to make them feel 'themselves' again and there have been lots of suggestions how people do this.

Snap Kinderfool, I'm incredibly talented and romantic also.
I've had lots of lovely careers, lived in different places, as did my lucky DH, and now I dig in and do something that I'm good at to make money for my family, and so does he.

I recharge from the "poke my own eye out" monotonousness of life as a responsible adult and parent by having lunches with my gal pals (maybe come back half an hour late to the office, naughty naughty ), and MNetting of course.
My Dh who is actually brilliant and talented as well, gets his brilliant and talented head on the phone about once a week for an hour or two for his 'manly gossip' with his brilliant and talented mates, while they hold the babies in their houses. This is real life.

OP I hope the coffee you're beginning to smell isn't too bitter a brew. But really, you'll be so much better off without this 'special' (aren't they all... yawn) narcissist .

Expat is right as usual - you already have one arsehole, what are you doing with an extra one. (LOL expat)

I don't think it's fair(or kind) to suggest that the OP's husband doesn't love her.

My first reaction when I read your OP stellamel was this - he wants you to share this experience with him as much as is possible.

I figured that you had your reasons for saying yes to the trip and that you were a tad resentful at not being patted on the back for allowing him to go. I also thought that perhaps he was thinking that you were being 'a dog in the manger' about it.

He should be grateful that you are prepared to let him go, you should get as involved with the planning as possible and perhaps part of the trip could involve you all getting together for a short break somewhere lovely (and safe) en route. Just borrow another £1K, what the heck .

A lot can happen between now and then BTW. Good luck.

thedolly puts down the bong to type up a post about her best mate, the OP's partner.

thedolly, are you the OP's sister ??????????

JuJusDad - thanks for that. I want to say I am not in any way insulted, hurt, upset by anything that's been said on here. It has all been incredibly honest, damned insightful and at times v. funny (the waitrose crisp alise especially).

Just can't believe what a gawp I've been. I genuinely thought I'd get a 'don't be a soft arse' sort of response

Much thinking to be done, then a calm discussion with DP.

Now I know why MNetting has such a formidable reputation. You guys know your onions!

Re this comment made by AnyFucker,

"the only way these man-children keep going in life, is when they hook up with a previously smart, sensible woman who indulges him until they come to their senses.
Then they move on to the next one".

This is so very true; this is exactly what my BIL (who btw is a narcissist) has done. I note that "narcissist" has also been mentioned re your man; I would argue that he is indeed narcissistic in nature cos its all about "HIM".

stella, will you please update us on this chat ?

we are sooooo on your side

dolly - I do feel resentful that he didn't pat me on the back, without a doubt, that was my annoyance and your post is pretty true of how I feel/see things

Stellamel, possible alternative version of events here;

I wonder if he is getting a bit grumpy about you not booking his trip because he knows that it won't actually happen unless you do it?

Is he actually getting cold feet and trying to hide it?

It would possibly be easier for a "rolling stone" personality to blame a settled partner holding him back from his wildest dreams, rather than admit that, in his heart of hearts, he doesn't want to do this than his own. You say that he's always had a female in tow...is it really likely that he would really want to go through with this by himself....?

oookaaaaay then

stellamel+her dp+Op's sister+thedolly=4

rest of thread=364

Anyfucker - I will update you all

YANBU. If you decide not to kick out this idiot permanently I suggest that you do actually help him organise this trip. You could for example:

Get details of the visas he needs to get plus the bribery fees he needs to pay including visas for countries he might need to go into if his first choice of route isn't available.

You could give him details of the FCO advice.

You could get quotes for life/travel insurance and point out the exclusions together with the enduring POA just in case.

You could get him details of the vaccinations and medications he'll need to have and take regularly and encourage him to learn how to carry out operations on himself in case for example he breaks his leg miles from the nearest town

If he still wants to go after you give him all this information in a helpful and non-judgmental fashion, I suggest you kick him out.

Wreck - he's all guns blazing at the mo with the organisation of it. He'd like me to go if things were different, if we were a couple and not a family. But it's not my dream, it's his.

aha so now we find where the blame lies...

God ,if he's so wonderful, why hasn't he made any money?

This guy just screams FUCKWIT at me

Self indulgent time consuming hobbies CHECK
Happily abandons partner and kids CHECK
Shirks off day to day rsposibility CHECK
Has an 'arty' side CHECK
Is rapidly ageing CHECK
Allows people to collude with him against you CHECK

And then this

'I tend to feel like we're holding him back, and our demands on his time wear at him. But paradoxically he needs us to be there, or he gets jumpy'

If you weren't so articulate, I'd think it was a wind-up. You deserve better, and so do your kids.

Also shame on your sister for peddling tripe about facing responsibilities and such. His responsibilities are to his family. After they have been met, he can do what he wants in the tiny sliver of spare time he should have left. Real men look after people they love, not put on a bandana [admit it, he wore one on his last trip didn't he] and fuck off.

Useless fool.

He is an arse

Good post Issy

You aren't being a good, supportive partner, you're indulging his whims to keep him with you.

Really, he doesn't seem worth it.

lol @ bandana

don't forget the jeans that are a size too small!

The trouble is that no one who goes off to 'find themselves' ever comes back saying - "well, thats it, Im an accountant then, better knuckle down and get on with it"

He wants to express himself and his creative, free spirited side over you, your DD and the new babys very real needs and prescence in his life. Even if you let him go this will not change, there will always be something else out there and his general behaviour, proritising himself above all else will never end.

I despise these egotistical rolling stones whos nebulous spirital needs are just so much more important than everyone elses. And theres always a whole hoarde of people in the background who have to step in and pick up the pieces and make sure all the boring bits get done, bills get paid and children get fed - and never get a chance to follow their own paths or indulge their ambitions and passions because they are constantly shunted into a supporting role. (can you tell there might be someone similar in my family) Dont even get me started on the doesnt do housework bit. I take it he doenst need to eat, doesnt wear clothes, doesnt use the bathroom at all then? Hes just so f-ing special that all the mundane bits are your job?

By all means have ambitions and plans, even bizzare and dramatic ones, but they need fitted round reality a bit. You seem to be doing a great job helping him change career and to support his ambitions, and are a saint if you let him do this trip, but I think the problem is deeper than this, his whole attitude sounds a problem

honestly, you are being way too tolerant of a great big whinging manchild and if he had proposed this little jaunt to me he would be having an unplanned, unfunded six week hunt to find where I threw his testes after removing them!