Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

665 replies

stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:28

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/07/2009 11:29

You seem to understand him pretty well, you know he has trouble taking reponssibility for anything.

The issue is, does he see it as a problem and a character flaw or does he see it as something to be celebrated and view himself as somehow above the common man because he doesn't allow himself to be tied down?
If it's the former then I would suggest his £4k would be better spent on some counselling to deal with his issues. If it's the latter then I doubt you will change him and you either have to decide whether you can live your whole life as things are now, or makes plans to leave him.

ssd · 30/07/2009 11:30

op, why do you feel you have to agree to this?

are you used to spoiling him?

he sounds spoilt enigh as it is!

I think you are part of his problem, you've given in to his stupid ideas for years, thinking you are being magnanimous, when all you've done is become a martyr.

he's useless and as a mum you need to grow up and smell the coffee,

expatinscotland · 30/07/2009 11:32

I mean, he's 40 years old and can't organise his own trip?

He expects you to do it?

And he can't be all that brilliant to go to Afghanistan when, hello?! there's a fucking war going on there and its major cash crop is the raw component of heroin.

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 11:33

I'e told him about Northern Pakistan, he's going ahead still with an eye to keeping up with the situation via the FO website, if the situation worsens he'll have to delay, even he's not that stubborn.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/07/2009 11:34

I have some friends who really are rolling stones. But because they are also mature adults they realise it's patently unfair to drag others into it and had themselves sterilised.

kinderfool · 30/07/2009 11:35

Basically he's a selfish arse then? Whether he likes it or not he has not one but two kids now (if that was such a drag he should have kept it in his trousers after the first one). Lots of us are artistic and feel very cramped doing the family life thing but we do it anyway because some things are always more important than others. I was on the verge of a job I would have loved, travelling around most of Europe if not the world, writing which is my life's dream, but then I had dd. So I gave it up, simple, and went for something that maybe wasn't my fantasy but that I enjoy to support my family.

I'm still trying to get my 'rolling stone' side and my 'responsible mother' sides completely mixed, I've had personal counselling (as part of my training but still very useful) and every couple of months I go away for a night to have some 'me' time to 'refresh' me (if that doesn't sound too hippy. But that's learning to balance ordinary, often dull, family life with the odd flashes of creativity that keep me feeling fully alive. I could give it all up for 6 weeks and trot off on my own personal adventure but I love my family far too much to sacrifice them for it. Sounds like your dp needs to decide what is really more important to him - the family and steady job that it sounds like he wasn't prepared for but has now (well tough!) or this airy fairy dream life - because I don't think he wants to/knows how to juggle both.

If he goes on this 'holiday' it would sound to me like he's made that decision.

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 11:36

I realise I sound like a martyr, and a doormat. But in my defence I thought I was being mature and understanding. Its been a rather rude wake-up call reading back through this, I feel a bit of a numpty to be honest!

OP posts:
Tamarto · 30/07/2009 11:38

Why do you let him act like such a cock? Do you feel grateful he is with you?

It all seems so weird, you seem lovely but very deluded, someone who loves you wouldn't act like him, sorry.

expatinscotland · 30/07/2009 11:42

No, stella, you're being taken for a ride, that's what.

You're retraining so he can get out of a job he hates.

You're taking out a loan so he can go on this idiotic trip.

You're putting aside your feelings constantly for his.

YOU are being taken advantage of. And your kids.

Would you want your daughter or son to be with a 'partner' like this? To subjugate who they are to someone who doesn't understand because they basically don't give a rat's arse?

Stella, you were born with an arsehole, you don't need this bloke.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2009 11:42

Your sister is a twat who spouts life coaching bollocks. She is also not the one on the receiving end of your partner's journey to "find himself in India" which is also total balls.

Nothing or no-one person will ever satisfy this bloke; his past relationship track record is poor as well. Where's this all come from; well its likely to be his own parents. What are they like btw?.

He also sounds commitment phobic as well as selfish (I'll quote one of your examples - "his outdoor activities are not as frequent due to family life, which upsets him". Now what part of that is not selfish on his part?!. What about your outdoor activities or is your role purely confined to 'er indoors?.

Why d'you think he's always finished relationships after three years; there is a pattern here. He will never marry you either and with two kids that's not a good position you find yourself in. There is a massive power imbalance here and he holds it all currently. He's always seemingly had a GF in tow primarily as someone just to run around after him and keep him fed and watered.

ssd · 30/07/2009 11:43

another classic

cyteen · 30/07/2009 11:43

God, he sounds vile. I shudder to think of you, by the sound of it a sane, sensible and lovely woman, being slowly ground down by this unconscionable prick. You would be better off taking the £4k and using it to start a new life for yourself and the kids, because while you stay with this idiot your life will be nothing but disappointment, debt and frustration.

(JMO)

becstarlitsea · 30/07/2009 11:46

Sounds to me like he's got you believing that you're lucky to be with him. When in fact you're unlucky because a man who disappears off to India when he could be doing something useful (eg going to the supermarket, cleaning the kitchen, earning some money, sorting out your household accounts, driving you to maternity appointments, finding out what that funny smell coming from behind the sofa is etc.) is actually not worth giving valuable house room to.

My DH is artistic. He works really hard at whatever jobs he can to support our family. Sometimes he needs a break. In which case he goes out for the evening, or to play sport for a morning or afternoon, or learns a new skill in the evenings, and when he comes back he says 'thank you' and tells me I'm amazing for being happy for him to go. Then he gets on with the washing up.

VivClicquot · 30/07/2009 11:48

I would genuinely love you to print this thread off and show it to him. He doesn't realise how bloody lucky he is.

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 11:48

Thanks Kinderfool, that is very interesting, a different perspective. I could go for him having days away, I understand that family life gets mundane - it gets to us all.

I've just had a wake-up call and I need to get my head round it for sure

OP posts:
Dizzyclarebear · 30/07/2009 11:48

It sounds like you've been expecting him to leave for a while and won't make him take responsbility in case he does.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 11:51

let him go, but do it now

it seems cruel to drag out the inevitable conclusion to this

he will leave you anyway, you know that don't you

Sidge · 30/07/2009 11:52

Your sister is as deluded as him, validating his trip with her wacky ideology.

The issues about him going are not your problem, they are that he is a 40 year old father of two who needs to grow up, get his head out of his arse and stop navel gazing and take responsibility for his partner and their children.

We all have dreams and ambitions but when you have children dependent on you they need to be faintly grounded in reality.

Original poster
stellamel · 30/07/2009 11:53

His parents are together, but his dad is a unfulfilled man, who feels he missed out on things in a lot of ways. But even he doesn't agree with the trip.

Attila - No he doesn't want to marry

Viv - couldn't show him this, he'd have a fit

Not sure what to do now

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 11:54

the only way these man-children keep going in life, is when they hook up with a previously smart, sensible woman who indulges him until they come to their senses

then they move onto the next one

BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 11:56

I'm afraid AnyFucker has got that spot on

expatinscotland · 30/07/2009 11:56

Nail hitting head, AnyFucker. So true. So true.

Dizzyclarebear · 30/07/2009 11:58

Show him the thread. Or while you're at work, e-mail it.

He might hit the roof, but it might knock some sense in his head. The only reason this would upset him is to realise what he's been like and what you're going through.

kinderfool · 30/07/2009 12:01

Can you sit him down at a calm time and tell him the way you see this trip/the whole issue of his view on life? You shouldn't have to take on the entire decision, can you tell him how you feel and ask him what he thinks the solution is? Sadly though it sounds like he may say his life/feelings are the most important and he's not willing to compromise. If he's determined to be selfish either you have to live with that or it's the end of the relationship - and the second option sounds far less horrific to me.

LouieStrumpet · 30/07/2009 12:04

Just want to add my version of the India story too, I am usually a lurker, but this whole "finding myself" bollocks really gets me wound up so I decided to post.

My DH is Indian, lived in India until he was 26. He has driven across the country on motorbikes and in cars a number of times and is perfectly confident driving in India (although when I go there I am usually a bit of a nervous wreck on the back car seat floor).

This year he had the oppourtunity to do a charity bike run across the northwest of India. It was a week long and involved raising about the same amount you are taking out on a loan for charity. Without me even saying anything he abandonned the idea because he had the responsibility of a family and didn't want to take any unnecessary risks. And that wasn't even close to war zones and countries that don't recognize human rights.

In other words - your dp is being a knob.