DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

[stellamel]

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

He has had 18 months of being a rolling stone, tough if he didn't find that enough time to settle

Is it not possible to go to India as a family and experience it together?

What about the resentment you might have for him after the trip?

It is okay at the minute, but honestly you don't know how you are going to feel after you have had your baby

Thanks for the update.

BUT - it's still all about HIM isn't it? And you're training so he can start a fresh career? You realise that after he's done The Trip and got a New Career there'll be something else that's stopping him taking responsibility?

Ditch now - he'll never change

Ahem, life coach, up there with "Dr" Gillian Mckeith in my book I'm afraid.

Life Coach, find yourself, bleh bleh

OP - send him a link to this thread.

Tell him to read your comments compared to everyone elses.

Then ask him again if he thinks you are being unreasonable or actually far more resonable than the vast majority of woman in the world would be when faced with this.

Don't listen to your sister, she is takling rubbish.

Does she like your boyfriend?

I think if your relationship would finish if he can't have his own way, then he isn't as in to you as he should be imo.

OP - "Life coach is all about taking responsibility for your own issues." - maybe I'm a bit boring, but I would think getting your DP preggers counts as an issue he should be taking responsibility for...

Would it be bad form to mention that even incredibly talented photographers don't make a bean these days? My DP has had a magazine feature his work recently alongside Really Famous Photographers and as far as I know he's never made a dime from it. Why can't he do what the rest of the world does and earn a living while having some nice hobbies?

Your fella seems to have major issues tbh.

He sounds like the type of man that will never be happy.

If he ever returns from this trip he will need his next big adventure. He will "find himself" in bed with another woman.

Is it always you that compromises? That is not a relationship.

If he doesn't get his own way then your relationship is doomed anyway ?

Then end it now, I would.

I might have known he was an "arty" type. It seems some of them have a monoploly on self-entitlement and the rest of us drones just have to go along with their grandiose ideas.

He may be talented but does he also suffer from some sort of mania ?

What an extraordinarily idiotic 'plan'. I think you should leave him to it. Chances are he won't even get as far as the airport, as he doesn't sound like he could organise his way out of a paper bag. And if he does go, I would be frankly amazed if you see him back in 6 months, let alone 6 weeks. Eejit.

oops, forgot about your dp BOF, present company excepted of course

and I meant "monopoly"

< digs hole deeper >

Hehehe, my DP works his arse off, but he is always skint

Luckily I have tax credits am independently wealthy...

By the way, OP, you might want to check this thread out from a while ago I remembered- it might ring some bells!

Can't believe the nerve of your dp! He's basically asking you to do 3 weeks of childcare for him (his half, you're not his nanny), pay at least £2k of a loan for him (presumably the loan would be paid back out of joint funds) and if/when he dies (uncomfortably likely considering the trip) you'd have to sort it out, console the kids and be the sole wage earner - after organising this for him! And this is completely normal because he's a 'rolling stone'? He needs to grow up not fnd himself.

As for your sister, how unsupportive does she want to be! I'm a counsellor (not paid to be non-judgemental here though, so sorry but whenever I read 'life coach', all I see is 'couldn't be bothered to do proper training') and yes you do need to take responsibility for your own issues but the man you'll have 2 children is one of your issue so it would be very irresponsible to let him do whatever he likes regardless of how it affects you. Saying it's 'your issue' sounds like bollock-ese for 'you're wrong for objecting even though you have about 1000 valid reasons to'.

I see what you're saying about how it will affect the relationship if you 'don't let him' go but what shape is the relationship going to be in when he returns (hopefully alive and vaguely in one piece) with the knowledge he can do whatever he likes and your feelings matter about as much as the milkman's?

this is why I love you BOF

Well if it's over if you say he can't go, then he really is an poor excuse for a man. Basically what he is saying is that a 6 week trip to India is more important than you and your kids.

The type of personality you are describing will never be satisfied, never settle. There will always be something else he needs to do before he can be 100% committed to you. What kind of fool gives up a stable job in an economic climate like this? My DH is a very talented photographer, so is one of our friends. They do it as a hobby and work hard at their day jobs to pay the mortgage and put money in the bank. That is what a real man does, not an overgrown teenager like your DP.

I'm sorry, I don't want to upset you, but you sound like a lovely woman. Where does what you want fit into all of this? It's all about him - his trip, his new career (which you have to finance by changing yours). What do you want, when is it your turn?

If you haven't found yourself (whatever that means) then it is unlikely that you ever will.

I think there may be very good reasons why you are considered the "stroppy mare" (I read that as constant spoilsport).

However, I think those reasons are SOD ALL to do with you as a person, and EVERYTHING to do with you being the one who always has to "compromise" and thus constantly feel put upon.

This really doesn't read as an particulary equitably relationship between two adults, unless I'm completely missing the point somewhere.

Sorry, but life coaching is a crock of shit. It's for people who failed out of their psychology PhD programme or couldn't get real a job with their criminal history (drugs, usually).

And newsflash: your relationship with this so-called partner is already circling the bowl. Why not spare yourself needless stress by fully depressing the flush handle and washing your hands before leaving the loo?

Because this guy isn't a partner, a partner has the common courtesy and decency of actually considering his/her other half's feelings and perspective.

Right you lot seem to be pretty fab with the advice, so I am going to give more background and maybe you can show me how to understand or get a handle on DP.

He is an arty type - I am too (graphic designer, no sniggering!). But he made what he considered the responsible choice at Uni level and followed engineering instead of art. Without blowing his trumpet he was academically and artistically brilliant at college and still is (was best mates with him at 6th form college). He got promoted to project manager last year (against his wishes, responsibility issue again), he succeeds in-spite of himself. He has been a contractor for his entire career, until we had DD 3 years ago. He has lived in over 20 places, even lived on a narrowboat for a while. Always, always has a GF in tow, and despite responsibility issues is very devoted whilst with them, no cheating, no wandering, traveling huge distances to see them etc. But he finished all relationships after 3 years tops. He has never been engaged/married, has no other kids.

He plays guitar, piano, is a marathon runner, climber. His outdoor activities are not as frequent due to family life, which upsets him.

He doesn't do housework, unless I specifically ask him to wash up, hoover etc. Does DIY when needed.

I tend to feel like we're holding him back, and our demands on his time wear at him. But paradoxically he needs us to be there, or he gets jumpy.

Will he be crossing northern Pakistan? if so, is he aware of the fighting that is taking place there?

BOF - I was thinking back to that thread as well. Where do all these man-children come from?

Oh, stella, spare me! Go back and read your own posts. They are all about him. Not a word about you. Are you chopped liver?

And this:
'I tend to feel like we're holding him back, and our demands on his time wear at him. But paradoxically he needs us to be there, or he gets jumpy.'

He may be brilliant and a rolling stone and all that other schlock, but he's an arsehole.

That's why he was never married, engaged or had kids before you, because everyone else wised up and realised he's actually a serious loser.

"He doesn't do housework" = twat.

You are not holding him back. He just doesn't like being grown up. Well tough, we all have to grow up eventually.