FAB & GLAM 10 - Gosh, Do We Really Talk That Much???

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Hi, new thread

Lovely to see all the old posters again. Don't go now you are back.

Annie/UC/MHIS - lovely to see you and thanks MHIS for the FB chat.

so we are back in action

Happy birthday TFM

It was mine a couple of weeks ago, the number is getting too big now .

my latest trauma from XH here

TFM happy birthday for tomorrow

Happy Birthday tomorrow TFM. I'm that you are 45 - you really don't look it!
In all honesty I don't know how I feel about him moving. I know a few years ago I would have been devastated but now ... I'm just not sure. It won't be miles away, probably in the same town, just not on my doorstep.
I think then we will have to make the effort to see each other and not just fall into it all like we do now iyswim.
I do feel that I've invested so much time and effort into this, and he is now more or less everything I wanted him to be - just not sure I want it any more. How loopy is that?
Also I can't face the thought of starting again, meeting someone else, who will probablly turn out to be another idiot (I do attract them!) sometimes its better the devil you know

Ginnny - havent read all your latest - but i feel a bit like you.

I have put all this effort in and now not sure i feel the way i thought i would.
Maybe i want more fireworks instead of the slow burn i seem to have now - iyswim.

Lots of sickies here at the moment so running on reserve which is making me feel down.

And h is now looking at another move job-wise. Its almost as if he has some sort of manic episodes - he just cant seem to be settled and wants the chaos all the time.

Hi Ladies

Thank you for all your birthday wishes, especially yours Ginny, I love yours the best!

Having a good day so far, lot's of nice cards and presents, last of the visitors have just gone so am having a cuppa and a browse of MN. Think I need to take it a bit easy now I'm 45

Hope everyone else is ok and having a good day xx

ooh, we're back! Lovely to see all of your familiar 'faces' again.

TFM HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! Hope your fabulous feet get some treats today! You - and they - deserve it.

Ginnny & HW - interesting to read your quandary over whether you still want your partners when they start being the men you wanted before. Who was it who said that the only thing worse than not getting what you want, was getting it? I sometimes wonder what I'd feel like if DP drank less, got frisky again and started being nice to DD again - well, actually, I'd be ecstatic!.

Haven't been on MN much myself lately - partly 'cos we're so busy at work, my home laptop's playing up, and I too have begun to feel bored with listening to myself moaning about the same stuff. No change here really, DD still at my parents, DP being very much nicer than he was, but still drinking and hostile to DD and I just can't seem to find the guts to talk to him about DD. He certainly doesn't want to live with her, doesn't seem to be doing anything to facilitate her moving back by looking for somewhere for him to live apart from us, and basically seems content with things as they are even though he knows it's making me miserable. I have loads of conversations with him in my mind, but it never feels like the right time to talk and I know he won't read a letter.

Meanwhile, my mother barely speaks to me and I am dreading Christmas as I really don't want to spend it with my family - apart from DD of course - while this is still unresolved. Bloomin fed up!

Hope you had a lovely day TFM

McD replied on your thread...

Ginny and HW maybe things just weren't that good but we never noticed before ? I feel a bit like you both do tbh. Weird isn't it all that time we have invested and now we have it was it worth it
Ginny good that he is moving away wonder if you might think the effort to see him is just too much then ?

HW woah tht is some real lenghty mid life crisis he got going on there! Do you find you spend more time sitting back and analysing who they really are now ? Sympathy with the job front. DP now on his third since last year. Had a big row with him last week and asked him why is it always him , moving jobs , getting into rows with managers , ds football coach etc etc. He couldn't answer i am beginning to thing he likes the stress too

Tannee so so hard What does dd want to do ? I am sorry it doesn't sound like he wants to address this for you and your dd. Could you not find somewhere for you and dd to live ? (sorry if that has already been discussed)

Things a little better here today. I took the dc to school and M out for the day. And left dp in to sort out all the money things. Everything going back into joint account (took your advice Annie don't think he is evere going to change with regards to money , you would laugh if i told you his job) and he now selling his phone to get some money together etc So at least feel he has done something proactive. Have suggested he speaks to CAB as you said if he doesn't get anywhere with making payment arrangements too.

Not sure where that leaves 'us' though. TBH i can't really face addressing it until after xmas (can see where your coming from Tannee)

Llush how old is dd now ? Glad you are moving on with dh now. I don't think the trust thing ever really comes nack tbh you just more kind of live with it.

Oh and thanks TFM my goodies arrived today hope yours did

He's not an accountant, is he? That would be too ridiculous!

Thank you again ladies, I had a lovely birthday Tanee, DP bought me some lovely new boots, they are gorgeous! I also got a fantastic food processor, Tana Ramsey's cook book, £110 in money and a few other bits and bobs!! It was just like Christmas!! And we had a lovely meal out last night too, just me, DP and DD so, being 45 isn't so bad so far!

HW and Lily, there must be something in the air because DP has been thinking about a new job for a while now, he seems restless and seems to want a new challenge. Trouble is it's not really the best time to be moving job's with the state of the economy. Luckily I have managed to get him to invest his energy in extending the house instead

Lily, you know, sometimes I think it is us who change, I think we are actually dealing with the same person we have always been dealing with but we change, we grow, we move on etc and the things that we used to tolerate or overlook or not even see are highlighted IYSWIM. I'm not for one minute suggesting that this is what is happening with you but I do know that you have come a long way in the past 12 months, you have invested in yourself with your studies and have grown such a lot. You have proved yourself to be a strong and capable woman. Maybe you are feeling you have outgrown DH a little? Hope this doesn't offend or patronize you, just trying to throw a different light on things

TFM i completely agree , i think it is me. I did say to him the other night when we met i felt like i wanted to help him r/e money and we were a team iyswim.
Now i feel like he is another thing i have to look after and it isn't in the least bit endearing anymore ...

Glad to see you had good birthday it's mine next week. I would happily settle for a new pair of slippers or maybe The Take That dvd

Annie not far off

Lilly - i have stopped the 'helping' now, so yes i have changed.
I know i am not the same woman i was and so maybe that is a bit unfair on h - after all he thought he had someone to fix all his problems now he only has himself.

I have always know that h likes the stress - and most of the time that works really well - we certainly get lots of things done. He is also willing most of the time to let us ride high with him.

The job thing is more that he has been approached and it has got him wondering again.
He is the same with looking at houses - no sooner do we get ourselves settled and the place looking nice than he starts to look around.

I have learned now to ignore a lot of this and he knows we will only move when i want to - and that wont be for a while. Logically he knows it is best he just likes to dream.

He is better at knowing himself now too so we can both 'indulge' his fantasies a bit.

HW I can totally relate to that! DP was 'approached' too and that made him start thinking, also the house thing, he is always looking to sell up and move! Drives me insane! Especially as we have worked so hard on this house and it is everything we want to it be but, like you I have learned to nod my head in the right places but put it straight out of my mind

One thing I have learned though girls is, if I am feeling discontent or displeased in anyway with DP is to look at myself first, question what has changed, is different or has happened with me which could be making me feel this way. It stops me from having a go at him for reasons that are not apparent to him

You are spot on TFM! Its me that has changed. I seem to have become quite hard which is not good really. I keep him at arms length, probably to protect myself, and on the rare occasion that I let my guard down he does or says something that makes me back off again.
I do love him though and I really don't want to hurt him so I'm another one who is "getting Christmas out of the way" before I make any firm decisions.
I think we will never have a conventional relationship like other couples, due to the drinking and the past, but I often wish I could have the simple uncomplicated relationships my friends have, but then I know that if I had that I'd probably be bored stiff!
I think I have serious ishoos!!!

Ginny, I don't think you have ishoo's, I think you have a 'real, true to life' relationship. You only have to read all the threads on here to realise that very few people have what you may regard as a 'conventional' relationship. I've changed too, I'm a lot tougher and a lot less emotional but I like it, I like being more in control and being less affected by DP's moods and funny little ways. It's called being independent and not codependent and that is a good thing, it shows that you love him because you want to not because you need him to love you for you to feel 'complete'. IYSWIM. Sooooo, please don't think there is something wrong with you just because you have toughened up!!

Ok, I will let you get Christmas out of the way but I want you to be 'young, free and single' by New Years Eve so that you can start 2010 as you mean to go on!! Even if it's not forever, a break from DP will do you good, it will give you the space to work out what you want and then, if you do decide to get back together with him, it will be a fresh start, a whole new relationship. I am a firm believer in that sometimes you have to leave in order to go back.

Ooh TFM we have missed you on this thread - you always make us feel more positive. . Glad you got some lovely Birthday boots. I wanted to celebrate getting the cancer all clear for another year yesterday, by buying some boots I saw in Office - only to find that the only sizes they have left in the entire country are 3 & 7! - but hey, it means I have been prevented from abusing my credit card !

Ginnny, there is probably no such thing as a 'normal' relationship - not if we delve deeply enough. I find that out every time I have a heart to heart with friends. Someone I know seemed to have the perfect marriage, I used to envy her - yet I had her in tears on my sofa recently, saying that she was miserable. She said she must be a selfish cow since everyone thinks her H is so 'perfect', and I said I wouldn't judge her, as I was a 'selfish cow' too - which made her laugh. I really think my perfect relationship with DP, given recent events, would also be separate homes. No sign of that, sadly. It wouldn't be poss for DD and me to find somewhere for us, without selling the house - and I don't think DP really wants to go down that route any more than I as it really would be the end of any relationship between us (despite his previous threats, he suddenly stopped stating that he wanted to sell, when I started telling him to go ahead! So thanks for that advice, TFM)

OK - any dates for our London meetup? My office do is on 18 Dec, but any time apart from that is fine at the moment (yes, I have a packed social diary . McD, it would be fantastic to see you again, so shall we try to find a Thursday or Friday free? If anyone needs to stay over, I have a spare room... TFM - I don't suppose....?

Tannee great news about another free year
not about the boots though feel free to link i like a shopping challenge

Some good news here. dd1 goes to dancing lessons , she is very private and doesn't really talk about what she does. So i just drop her off and pick her up as usual when today her teacher stops me and asks if she can do private lessons with her as she is showing real potential . I am so very proud of her.
She generally lives in the shadow of ds who is a really good footballer. He is my pfb so partly to blame for that too. But it was lovely to be all about her today.
Sorry for massive boast (would only dare post this here) but just made me smile after crap few days.

TFM did you find your parcels ?

Tannee congratulations on the all clear. There will be other boots - don't lose hope
I can't do 11th December and I'm not sure when my work do is yet but the rest of the month is free!!
It would be so lovely to come up and see you all again.

Tanee that is great news! and well worth celebrating. Shame about the boots though, I'm a size 7 if you fancy celebrating buy proxy!

Lily yours is great news too, how lovely for your dd and yes, I got my parcel yesterday. I had spoken to an advisor on the phone who told me it had been delivered on the 9th and that it had been signed for! It hadn't even been delivered!! The delivery guy said it had been on another round, it just goes to show doesn't it, you have to watch them!!

Ooops! That should be by proxy! Just got back from shopping with MIL, my nerves are on edge after the drive, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it

Just need a bit of notice of the meeting date so I can take the leave. They're not fussy here.

Lilyloo, I don't know how to do a link, but if you want to take up the challenge, it's an Office lace up ankle boot called Mavern, in black distressed leather with woolly cuff, size 5. You can see it on the Office website. If you can find one in the UK, thank you!

TFM - ok, so how many boots do you need? - ok, a lady can never have too many shooos....

Any other suggestions for dates in December? HW, any plans for coming up to town to shop?

Well, DP went into a massive depression last night - barely spoke, very subdued, said it was because of the 'situation' but of course we couldn't discuss it because he'd come home and headed straight for the bottle. Didn't even eat any of the delicious risotto I'd prepared. I decided not to get drawn in, took myself off to bed at 9.30 and had a reasonably good night's sleep. At least it shows that he IS aware of the effect he's having on me and mine, even if he's going into 'poor me' mode with it rather than trying to be constructive. I intend to try talking to him as soon as I get some time with him without alcohol. I'm afraid that I'm reaching the point where I really will have to give him an ultimatum - either get help, or go, because I don't want us to drag on together until I have totally lost my family, and with it, my love for him. I'm a bit but also quite cross with him. He's a good man destroying the best thing in his life - us - and if he succeeds, I will no more forgive him than he will forgive himself.

Oh and Lilyloo, well done to your DD. Shall we see her at Covent Garden one day? -you must be SOO proud and why not!

Tanee, you did the best possible thing by taking yourself off to bed, you need to continue to do this when he is 'that way out'. You my love, have the patience of a Saint!!

And as for shoes and boots, I love them!! I love nice shoes, I'm not allowed to wear heels until March though so it's flats until then! I'm off to try and find your boots now, DP's niece works in the Manchester branch of Office.

Keep smiling Tanee

oh Tanee I never really know what to say, I cant imagine how torn you must be

TFM I love boots But to skint at the moment

Lily well done your DD How old is she now??
Little boast here - my DD1 is now in the competetive swimming group - she is the youngest ever!! Its where they select the cardiff swim squad from

Waves to everyone Would really love to try and get to London to meet again - am totally sking but could stay with sis so would just be train in and meal
Sat night would be best for me as I am all out of annual leave and work Fri/Mon !