FAB & GLAM 10 - Gosh, Do We Really Talk That Much???

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Hi, new thread

Lovely to see all the old posters again. Don't go now you are back.

Annie/UC/MHIS - lovely to see you and thanks MHIS for the FB chat.

Thanks Tanee

Good news that you got some progress too. Definitely a step in the right direction

Thanks Baffy. Have to admit, I suspect I would get miraculously better if DP sorted himself out, and without any help from our GP - but if being open about my own misery (which I usually hide pretty well) helps prod him in the right direction, I'm going to work it!

Wishing you a successful night with ds2 !

Hi Ladies and thank you re Bubble! And yes Tanee is she very happy to be home. She was shaking like a leaf when she arrived but she soon calmed down after a very long cuddle. She is one happy bunny now, eating lots and bobbing about all over the place. She has definitely lost weight but I will soon have her fed back up again. She has hardly stopped eating since she arrived.

More drama in my life. I've been waiting for some parcels to arrive from ebay, things for our house and decided to check last night as they seem to be taking a long time. For some reason my address has reverted back to his address and so the items will have been posted to him! I sent him a text asking if he had received them and if he hadn't already returned them to sender could he see his way to letting me have them. No reply. So I sent another text this morning asking if he would please just confirm that they had been returned to sender so I could contact the seller and ask them to send them to my address when they get them back. I even added that one of the items is much waited for Hannah Montana duvet cover for DD. Still no reply. So, I will just have to assume that the items will never reach me and I will have to buy them again. Post redirection starts tomorrow so at least I have the pleasure of taking his pleasure away from him. I just wish it didn't get to me so much. I will be glad when the day comes that I am not affected by his twattish behaviour.

Well done on the crying technique Baffy. Hope you don't mind me adding my twopenneth but supernanny always recommends not talking to the child, just laying them back down every time they get up without saying a word, then they are really supposed to get the message it's sleepy time!

I'm so pleased to hear your news Tanee. Thats a big step forward. I will keep everything crossed that he doesn't let you down and he goes through with the doctors appointment.

Love to everyone else, I hope you are enjoying the sunshine. It's been glorious here today so I've been sat in the garden for most of it xxx

TFM - glad bunny is home and ok

Baffy - great work re pupd/settling ds in his cot He will be a happier baby in the long run as he needs the sleep

Tanee - interesting tactic Hope dp doesn't twig and leave you stranded at the gp!

Ds party went well. It was a bit manic but that's to be expected with 20 6 yr olds running amok

That's 20 six year olds - not 206 year olds! Now that would be something to behold

Thank you LL it really does feel like home now she is in situ.

I'm pleased your party went well too. Twenty 6 years olds, crikey, you were brave!!!

Love to everyone else. I'm having a hard day sitting in the garden again today. Decorating is on hold due to house now needing a rewire and, because my cooker point is not in the right place I have to have a whole new kitchen. I'm not complaining, it's going to be nice, but I would like to be fully decorated and have carpets down before Christmas

Hello

Wow LL you are brave! I'm thinking of a play centre or something for ds's birthday, just don't think I can brave 2 five year olds in the house never mind 20!!

Thanks TFM. You know what, I did remember that supernanny had said that! I love all those programmes. Also though, I always remember a Baby Whisperer programme in which she said that if you repeat the same thing, they get reassurance from your voice, but they know that it's not play time because of the tone. And she was saying that you're teaching them that they're only going to sleep, i.e. you're not telling them off or punishing them or anything awful, it's just bed time. So I had that in my head too!

Last night was a strange one. I did the usual routine, bath, bottle of milk, and had both boys in their beds by 6.50pm. They were both asleep by 7pm! Ds2 literally had his milk, put his dummy, turned over and went to sleep.
I sat near the cot for a little while expecting fireworks. Nothing. Just slept.

I then proceeded to waste the night as I was convinced the kick off was due to come any second, and even when I went to bed I lay awake waiting for it!!

He then did wake up around 3am, but he really didn't cry too much. I had to keep settling him back down for half an hour. Then he went back off. But woke up again around 4.30am. As I was sitting next to the cot I could actually hear his tummy rumbling So against my better judgement, I gave him some milk but still didn't take him out of his cot. And he drank that and then went back to sleep until 7.30am

So even though not perfect, it definitely feels like progress. I'm not counting on him going down that easy every night, but he definitely did accept in the middle of the night that he wasn't getting out of his cot. Which is massive progress.

TFM are you ok?? Can you contact the seller and try to see if you can catch any of the items before they post them? I know H sometimes takes a day or two longer than he says to actually get things in the post...

Baffy, that is brilliant. Let's hope it wasn't a ploy to lull you into a false sense of security. The can be pretty crafty these babies you know

If you want to follow the guidelines of the baby whisperer then can I suggest you record your voice into an MP3 player and stick the earplugs in DSs ears before you go to bed. That will save you a task

I'm ok thanks Baffy. I contacted all the sellers and one lovely lady has already sent me out a replacement which I should receive soon, bless her, and the other two are going to send the items out to me once they get them back. If they do actually get them back. Anyway, I'm over it now, what will be will be I'm not letting him get to me! xx

TFM, if he DOESN't return them, you could accuse him of theft! What a pathetic, pathetic t*!

Baffy, sounds good progress!

LL - oh, but I AM ill, really. At least, when I read about depression, I can certainly relate some of the symptoms to myself, but they only emerge when DP is playing silly buggers. He's being coy, but nice still, and I will be on the phone to the GP's surgery again tomorrow. If he tries to pull out of going, he really will get his marching orders as it'll show that ultimately, he doesn't love me ENOUGH to even try to make things better.

TFM, I had lunch today with a friend/ex intern, who is 'stuck' in her marriage. When she describes her H's behaviour and attitude, it sounds so like your ex. I told her she is the subject of domestic abuse, control etc, she was shocked and said 'really? But surely I have contributed to it...? He says there's something wrong with my head...' Now TFM, where have we heard that line before...? Twatman. Anyway, I have suggested she speak to Women's Aid and their free legal service to see where she stands financially (four children under the age of 14, no job or money except the 'pocket money' he allows her), but I wondered - since you've been through it, could I put you in touch? (Her H tried stopping her internet access, but she's now got a blackberry that he bought, oh, big mistake! ). She seems very isolated, I'm the only person she's told about this and she hasn't yet reached the point where she can stand up and tell the world that it's HIS problem, not hers. I think you could be a fine example and a beacon of help to her. Please feel free to say no, of course (and I will be nudging her to WA every day!)

lol at twatman - sounds like the antithesis to a superhero.......superzero perhaps?
Good luck with dp Tanee. Hope he comes through for you both. Hope your friend is willing to get help as well.

Baffy - brilliant progress You might get blips but don't give up. You're doing really well.

Yes please Tanee DO put her in touch with me. I will help her

I have just spent the last couple of hours helping the daughter of one of my lovely neighbours. She is being very badly abused anyway, I gave her the number of my refuge and she rang them and they are taking her in Bless her, she is only young and has two very small children. These men are all the same, it's weird, they all do and say the same things. The "you are not right in the head" seems to be very common.

I was sat thinking about my own situation this afternoon and I remembered when I first moved into the refuge, Twatman (love it and am nicking it! ) rang me, told me he loved me and he wanted me home then in the next breath said "I think you need help, I will help you to get it" Thank God I saw sense and did not go back to that man!

Tanee, put your friend in touch as soon as possible! Let's save another life from being destroyed

Good luck with DP. If you fail in your mission I shall be nudging you towards WA!

I got some books from Amazon which arrived yesterday, including "Why Does He Do That?" Am just over half way through it and have so many "OMG" moments it's incredible.

The man's a genius.

Annie have a look at 'Power and Control:Why charming men make dangerous lovers'. Thats a good one too. I am just re reading 'why does he do that' it reminds me that I am the sane one.

I'm just awaiting delivery of 'stalking the soul:Emotional abuse and the erosion of identity'. Am looking forward to that one!

I nearly ordered both of those, but decided I'd be overdoing it. XH wasn't all that powerful or charming anyway... but am kind of regretting not getting Stalking the Soul. Instead I went for The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. The third book was In Sheep's Clothing (understanding and dealing with manipulative people), which would have been sooo useful if I'd read it while I was still employed; I do expect it to be useful in future, and if it's really good will force my boys at gunpoint to read it as well. Abusive parent? Moi?

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is a good one too. I can very highly recommend 'It's my life now' too.

I've looked at In Sheeps Clothing but not read it but I am also awaiting delivery of 'The Manipulative Man:Identify his behaviour, counter the abuse, regain control'.

I still feel the need to be one step ahead! Knowledge is power!

Ah TFM I'm glad you're ok and not letting his twattish antics get to you. I'm very proud of how well you're coping you know, I just want you to make sure that in the midst of helping everyone else, you keep making time for yourself I am here any time if you need anything at all! Just call or email or text me. I know you're coping so well, but how you're staying so calm and rational is amazing.
I'm so angry at H right now for what he's put me through that I'm struggling not to just explode at him. Maybe I need some tips!

ds2 update... not as good as the immediate sleep of last night, but settled within about half an hour and no hysterics

he did cry a bit, mainly because he found a new game of dropping his dummy on the floor so mummy had to react and pass it back to him! and when I decided I was contributing to it by passing it back, and just closed my eyes and ignored him, he sobbed like he was the saddest person in the world!! never dropped it again after that though!!

on another note, H has just agreed to sign the divorce papers and will do it tonight

Baffy! Congratulations on your impending divorce!! No sad faces please. This is the beginning of your new life. You can have damned good sex a relationship now without feeling guilty!!

Thank you for your lovely offer. I will give you a call should I need you but to be honest I would rather give you a call when I just want to share a good old natter with a friend. I am staying calm and rational and even I don't know how I'm managing it. Probably has a lot to do with DD though, she is so very happy and so blooming sensible! She doesn't let Twatman get to her so why should I?

Talking of DD, she has started talking about the things she saw and heard during the bad times. She has never spoken of things before but now she is asking questions. On the one hand I'm pleased she is getting it out of her system but on the other hand I'm scared of getting it wrong. I'm going to email my counsellor and ask her how she thinks I should handle it. I have been thinking of taking the CAFCASS ladies advice and getting some counselling for DD herself but I know the effect counselling had on me initially. It was very emotionally draining to say the least. DD is so happy and I am worried that counselling might have a bit of a negative effect on her at the moment. Maybe if I can get advice on how to handle her questions then that will be better, don't you think?

Good news about the sleeping Baffy. Elastic band for dummy perhaps? Once it has bonged DS on the head a couple of times he will soon learn to stop dropping it

Ahh, the poor little Bafflet! He's got to learn though. Pity STBX never learned not to spit out the dummy eh.

TFM, if anyone can work out the right thing to say to your DD, it's you. Learn to trust yourself. Nobody will be able to relate to your daughter better than you will yourself. Sometimes "experts" know what they're talking about, and other times, frankly, they don't.

Thank you Annie. I do feel you are right but I am scared of saying the wrong thing. I am being honest with her though because she knows anyway as she saw and heard it, its as though she is just trying to process and understand it. She asked me why her dad was so angry at me all the time, why he shouts at me when I am being "perfectly nice", bless her. One time he smashed some glass while he was shouting, she was in bed but she heard it all and she has asked me the details, she has wanted me to fill in the gaps for her. It just doesn't feel right explaining it to her. I suppose because it's something she shouldn't have seen in the first place.

The thing is though, she too has to be aware of the control and emotional abuse that she will experience with him and she has to know that this is wrong and be able to say so. So bearing that in mind I don't feel I can make excuses for her fathers behaviour. The CAFCASS lady told me that when this happens, because it will, I have to let her know that it's not her fault, that it is her father who has the problem, just as I would if he were mentally ill.

I want my DD to know the difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one so that when the time comes for her to get married she doesn't make the mistakes I have made.

But you are right Annie, I should have more faith in myself. I think I'm doing a pretty good job with her so far, all the smiles and the laughter tell me that, so there is no reason why I shouldn't continue doing a good job. Touch wood!

Yes TFM, Annie is spot on, you are doing a fantastic job and even though I agree it's good to ask for some advice, keep trusting yourself to know what's best for your daughter. Because you will always know better than anyone.
Advice on how they think you should handle the questions can only be a useful thing though.

Frankly, I think it's fantastic that she's asking these questions. And I really do agree that you should keep being as open an honest as you can with her. Like you said, she knows what she heard/saw, and to change or try and soften that in any way could well just confuse her. She's clearly really bright and it's fantastic that she is now so secure and trusting in her relationship with you that she is able to open up and ask.

Like you say too, it's good, and healthy, that she understands what is right and wrong and acceptable/not acceptable in a relationship. Plus, again you are right, knowledge is power, and the more she understands, the more she will be able to manage her own relationship with her dad going forward.

Keep up the good work! I know I don't know anything. But my instinct is that you are doing everything exactly right.

and p.s. I am laughing my head off at the idea of the elastic band!!

TFM my DD1 was the same, lots of questions after, I was really terrified to say the wrong thing, didnt want her to think it was righ, terrified the cycle would continue, didnt want to make him a bad guy,she got angry/sad/blamed me, it was awful as she is normally such a happy, sensible mature girl!

Eventually she saw the WA youth worker a few times who was also worried about her And she referred us to the NSPCC who run an amazing "mother and child" course, it was fantastic, there were 8 of us, mums and children, it was a 10 week course, one morning a week, the mums had a session together primarily aimed at parenting children who have witnessed DV but it really helped me offload and learn such useful ways to talk to DD1 about it! It was excellent for DD1, I think she felt very isolated, we live in a very middle class suburban area with mostly smug married and no hint of DV, so talking about daddy strangling mummy and mummy and daddy screaming and police coming was very hard for her She also learnt(most important to me), that XH's behaviour was NOT acceptable or normal, that normal relationships were not like that, that is wasnt mummy's fault ot HERS, and that is was ok to love him but it was his behaviour that she didnt like!

It helped us a lot, and even now 18 months later, we will go back to what they have said if we are stuggling!

Would perhaps see if NSPCC/WA have similar in your area, how old is DD now?? Think it was from 7-10. For a long time I convinced myself DD1 was ok when really she wasnt!

Baffy you can get dummy clips - clip on to clothing so if dummy falls out it is always within baby's reach. You (and ds2) are doing great. Of course it will be emotionally trying for you both but considering how bad his sleeping was, the progress is pretty amazing don't you think

TFM - agree with the others. You are doing a fab job with dd and as her mum (and a very well informed one at that)will have a pretty good idea what she needs from you. Truth, explanation (not excuses) and reassurance (plenty)are important imo. By all means, speak to the cafcass person for advice. Re counselling - maybe you could get advice on this as well? Ikwym about potentially unsettling dd but if she is asking questions it could indicate a readiness to talk through/make sense of what's happened. So it could actually be a good time for counselling to start. But you and dd will know the answer to that one - no one else can say when it's the right time. She is a very lucky girl to have such a fantastic mother (and visa versa) - thank goodness you have each other

Tanee - is it gp day today? Let us know how it goes. I get the feeling you are quite good at gardening. Can I ask your advice? I'm growing nasturtiums but the leaves are covered in black bugs - black fly? I tried picking them off but they are quite prolific now. What do you think it is? Maybe I should pick off one of the leaves and take it to the garden centre for advice.

Oh and hi to macdoodle