FAB & GLAM 10 - Gosh, Do We Really Talk That Much???

[Dumbledior]

Hi, new thread

Lovely to see all the old posters again. Don't go now you are back.

Annie/UC/MHIS - lovely to see you and thanks MHIS for the FB chat.

OK, that's kind of... spooky. I didn't know that.

Mmmm, there's a lot I haven't shared. I used to think I was imagining it all, that it must be me. It seemed too far fetched to be real iyswim.

That's the most dreadful thing about it, what it does to your sense of reality. It's how they get away with it for years. Even if you tell people they think you're either exaggerating or putting a bad spin on it, but no - it did really happen, and you had to adjust your perceptions on a daily basis to stop yourself running out screaming; when all along, running out, with or without the screaming, was the right thing to do.

Now for heaven's sake don't burst out giggling in court, or you'll lose the sympathy vote.

I know, and it doesn't help that the judge has a bad stutter which makes me have to bite my lip very hard.

Everything you say in your post about him is true. My mind was mush by the time I left, completely screwed up. After three days in the refuge he had convinced me I was ill and I needed help, that he would help me all he could if I came home, saying he would do his own washing and ironing to make life easier for me I was going back too although I had great doubts, the counselling at the refuge had already started in ernest and I had this little voice telling me I needed to see it through. Thank God that I did!!

BUT, even though I know what he is, all the bad things he did to me, I still have days where I want him to approve of me, like me, see me as a nice person and want to be friendly towards me. I know it's crazy and it drives me mad to feel like that. I am getting better though, it doesn't happen so often, usually only when he is being spiteful, nasty and devious, it unnerves me, has me thinking it's best to have him on my side than against me.

The other thing about him Annie is that in front of others he is a charming, gently spoken, caring bloke. It used to make me feel physically sick watching him in action, listening to his crawling voice, it turns my stomach just thinking about it. I am sure that even though I fled to a refuge a lot of the people we know and who he still has contact with won't believe he was capable of abuse. I haven't heard from a certain few of them even though I thought they were my friends too but I do know that they are still in contact with him. His mother saw some of what he did to me, she saw the bruises when he was physically abusive but she is too busy making him cottage pies and cakes to contact me, she hasn't been in touch at all since I left. But, these are all people who I have proved I don't need and now would not want in my life so it's fine

You go TFM.
The situation sounds very similar to how my evil stepFIL 'kept' my MIL.
Once away from it all you can see the true picture.
One good thing though is we have never had any more contact from him; its been over a year - but i do know that he still keeps tabs on us all via BIL.

Feeling a bit odd - with so much going on it is hard to decide why or what it is.
H is pretty much the same still a bit down (better than he was though - he seems to be making an effort to pick himself up), has booked an appt (well i hope he has - having reminded him and him saying he would).
I think i need to set myself some new challenges now. I seem to be 'losing' me again with all the family things going on.

Have a lovely holiday booked for the summer though and all of us are going - ds1 says it will be his last (we shall have to see if we can entice him next year too - after his A levels).

I suppose i feel a bit flat at the moment - but also not sure if i want to 'eplore' what the problem is iyswim.

Hope the sun is shinning where you are - i am about to finally get my summer wardrobe sorted and put away the winter things - already got a huge bin-bag of stuff for the charity shop.

Do you know TFM
that bit about not needing 'those' people in your life is so true.

Not sure h gets it even now - he has a friend who knew about his affair and had many a chance to tell me. I have refused to have him in the house again - i know it was not easy for him being h friend but he had that choice and chose h friendship over mine or my marriage. Its not just that he knew but i also feel he sort of covered for him and he actually did nothing to stop the affair.
There are also some ex collegues of his that i choose not to socialise with now - probably no big deal to them anyway .

H is not on facebook but he knows he would find it hard to refuse a friend request and so has not joined - i on the other hand have no problem just ignoring people i dont want in my life again.

Hmm... all this washing and ironing he was going to do... would that be before or after hitting you? Or a bit in between?

If you want to stop yourself laughing, think about that rabbit cooped up in its cage, an innocent uncomprehending animal suffering because he wants to keep that power over you; and then see, like a morphing scene in a nightmare, it isn't really a rabbit in that cage, it's your DD. Because that's what he used her for too. She was cooped up for his convenience, as a control device, not the lovely growing human being she is, and she felt it. Get angry with him and with all the stupid short-sighted people enabling him, for telling you, her mother, that you were wrong, you were imagining it, you had to stay. Thank all the higher powers, if you believe in any, or the humanity inside you if you don't, that against all that weight of conventionality and other people's ignorance, and your own niceness that was used as a weapon against you, you got out. She is free because you are free. Whatever you do, stay free.

Er, that doesn't read too smoothly. The sentences are too long and sometimes it comes over a bit pompous. But I know you know I mean it sincerely. You're the sort of person that people care about, because you give so much more than you expect to receive. You're affectionate, enthusiastic, optimistic. It revolts all sense of justice to see your best attributes used against you. Don't let that... that leech suck any more out of you.

TFM lol at HWNMNBM looking a bit like Charles Laughton! Mind you, I read a biog of EBB and it said although her father was something of a control freak (and she really did elope taking just her maid and her spaniel, Flush) - EBB was also a bit of a control freak herself. She certainly kept Browning and their son, Penn, under her thumb until she died. She also seems to have used illness to control - until, eventually, she became genuinely ill. An interesting, complex woman, but I don't think I would have liked to know her personally.

HW I'm not surprised you feel a bit off. I know that feeling well. The problem with depression is that it affects the whole family - it's like a shadow or smoke that seeps into the whole household. I'm reading a book called 'Shoot the Damn Dog' - so much of it reminds me of how DP behaves.

Feeling quite good today, despite having been up far too late with a friend of DP's and drinking, I'm afraid, too much.

TFM good luck tomorrow - wipe the floor with him. Of course he's trying to control the money - little does he realise that having it all in writing, bank accounts, standing orders etc, is EXACTLY what you need - so it's cast in iron instead of you just depending on cash handouts!

Annie's right TFM - DD's blossoming now, she's able to be a normal child at last - and you're blossoming too. You don't NEED his approval or liking - and you'll never get it, not even if you agreed to everything he demanded. The only person whose approval is worth having, is YOURS. You approve of yourself, and of everything you've achieved in the last few months since you got out. All you need is for him to pay his dues to support DD, to try to be a father to her (I doubt he'll manage that much and to keep the hell out of your new, wonderful life!

Oh, and to free that poor bunny into your care .

Dammit Tanee, you're letting facts get in the way of a good story

She learned the control stuff from him, anyway. So we can still hate him.

Sorry Annie - but I agree it's a great film!! Charles Laughton gave a cracking performance and the final scene with the missing dog is one of the cinema's great denouements! I suspect there were a lot of control freak men in Victorian Britain (my grandfather was one such, albeit in the Colonies) - comes of centuries of believing they had a God given right, as men, to dominate their Better Halves...All we could do, to control our destinies, was become ill. Seems to be a thread running through much of the 19th century...

Sorry Annie - but I agree it's a great film!! Charles Laughton gave a cracking performance and the final scene with the missing dog is one of the cinema's great denouements! I suspect there were a lot of control freak men in Victorian Britain (my grandfather was one such, albeit in the Colonies) - comes of centuries of believing they had a God given right, as men, to dominate their Better Halves...All we could do, to control our destinies, was become ill. Seems to be a thread running through much of the 19th century...

Sorry Annie - but I agree it's a great film!! Charles Laughton gave a cracking performance and the final scene with the missing dog is one of the cinema's great denouements! I suspect there were a lot of control freak men in Victorian Britain (my grandfather was one such, albeit in the Colonies) - comes of centuries of believing they had a God given right, as men, to dominate their Better Halves...All we could do, to control our destinies, was become ill. Seems to be a thread running through much of the 19th century...

wow... what happened there...?

Gosh Annie, thank you for your post, it brought tears to my eyes. So much passion! And so much truth.

HW I totally understand what you are saying about choosing who you have in your life or who you choose not to. I was hurt at first by the lack of contact, in the early days, but not any more. It's so liberating to let go of the people who bring nothing of any value to your life, the people who cause you more distress or discomfort than pleasure. I feel as though I have been cleansed, as though I have had a shower on the inside

I learned to say "no" too while in refuge. Now that is liberating!!

Thank you Tanee for your good luck message. I feel quite good you know. Last time I felt sick with worry and was scared stiff! Today I feel quietly confident and ready to face him! I would love to know what he is thinking about tomorrow though because my solicitor says he hasn't got a cat in hell's chance of winning. And all this will have cost him a few thousand pounds too! Definitely a case of more money than sense!

Your post was so good they tripled it.

You can say that again tannee!
Good luck tomorrow TFM. standing up to him in court will be one more way of showing him you aren't scared of him anymore. that is truly scary how he treated you when you were ill. makes me shudder to think of it.
lol @ Archie Mitchell.
big wave to everyone else. my laptop is broken and we are madly busy at work so the only way I can get on here is on my phone but its so hard to post that I usually give up or forget half of what I was going to say before I've managed to type it! x

OK, so it's my turn for a moan now. XH is clearing his house out prior to selling it, with some hare-brained scheme of "going on the road" (at the age of 63). Today he turned up on the doorstep with a sack of toys and a tray of odd tat which he said DS4 might like. I said I don't care if he does want it, it's tat, I've got enough clutter in my house, take it away please. He said just throw away what you don't want. I said no, I'm not throwing your rubbish away for you, just take it away please. He drove off, leaving the stuff in my porch! I drove round to his place and put it (tidily I promise) by his back door. Then he rang, once before I got home and once after, saying he had been going to come back for it honest, but I wasn't at all amused and said if he tries to dump his rubbish on us again I'd report him for fly tipping. And a few more harsh words on similar lines.

Fecked if I let him turn my house into a Heap like his is, or for that matter like ours used to be. #bristle#

Annie you are fab! You make me laugh! Good for you in not letting him dump his rubbish on you! His mother used to send DD home with all of her old crap, it's most annoying!

He who shall not be mentioned, when he was sending my post, used to put it, complete with all the junk mail in DD's bag. I saved it all up then on the last day she was at the school local to his house I posted it all back through his door! A minor thing but made me feel so very good!

Thank you for your good wishes Ginny. I will let you know how it goes

I think XH secretly wants to be an abuser when he grows up, but he's too pathetic.

Well done on the junk mail.

lol at posting back the junk mail
annie psml at the recycling of rubbish. Some people hate throwing anything away don't they. Sounds just like my father - shit, it's not him is it??!!!

[hollow voice] LL, I am your mother!

Annie you are hilarious...
I have a similar thing with DP. He keeps bringing more and more crap stuff up to my house everytime he stays (I think he wants to move in by stealth!!), so when he's at work I just take it right back down there and put it back. Silly bugger doesn't even notice half the time

Mummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

ginnny lol - what is it with these men and their rubbish?

Well girls, I did it!! But boy, am I drained. I feel exhausted.

He dropped the school thing because he knew he didn't stand a cat in hell's chance of getting anywhere BUT, he decided to take me for contact, proper court ordered contact. We had already hashed out an agreement between us via solicitors but that wasn't good enough for him so I have just spent the past three hours in court while all that got sorted. I'm a bit flummoxed as to what has gone on because basically he has only got what we agreed in the first place!!

BUT, the CAFCASS lady was wonderful. She listened, she reassured me, she believed me. She was wonderful! I feel a bit in shock to be honest, somehow it all suddenly seems so real, I knew I had left an abusive relationship but it is dawning on me that I was actually living with an abuser. I probably sound daft because it's hard to explain what I mean but the CAFCASS lady said there is a name for the kind of man he is, it was as though she knew him! She validated everything so it sort of put him in a box iyswim. He is an abuser! He is an abusive man! I feel I have had a lucky escape, well not lucky because I did go through a lot while living with him but I have escaped and now I am lucky to have done so. He would never have changed because it was never about me. It's about him and the kind of man that he is. No matter how well I behaved or how much I gave up for him he would still have treated me badly.

My solicitor was right when he said a few weeks ago that HWSNBM has opened a huge can of worms for himself. The CAFCASS lady is extremely concerned about DD's emotional welfare and has asked that the door be left open so that I can approach the court if I have any concerns with regard to her access with him. The judge allowed this. She has also requested that CAFCASS do background checks on him and the judge has agreed that should happen too. So, there he sat, all suited and booted, looking like a Lord and all of this was being said in front of him. He will not have been a very happy man!!

Gosh, you know, there were lot's of concerns I raised with the CAFCASS lady, things that I thought I was being too precious about but she said no, all my concerns were proper concerns and I was right to raise them. She has put me right in charge of DD and her welfare and given me permission to report anything I'm not happy with. That makes me feel so relieved!!

He denied the abuse of course, denied it had been an abusive relationship. Of course, women these days flea to a refuge for a holiday dontcha know! The thing is though, if he had admitted the abuse he would have been holding his hands up to recognising that he has a problem, he would have shown that he was in a position to change his behaviour, but by denying the abuse ever happened he has proved that he is just an abusive man. So in effect he has made things worse for himself.

He absolutely refuses to pay me maintenance by standing order. Says he doesn't like them. Strange I said, he likes that his racing channel and his sky tv is paid by standing order so he has be warned that if a cheque is ever received late and backdated I will claim through the CSA with no prior warning to him and then he will have to use standing order to pay them!! I don't like it though because it means he now has reason to actually physically see me once a month to give me the cheque. Which is what I presume he still wants to do it for. He isn't allowed in my garden to collect or drop off DD, that has to be from outside the gate.

BUT.......... THE RABBIT IS COMING HOME!!! Yes, I asked for residency of the rabbit!! I apologised for the strange request but I insisted that we have a definitive answer on whether or not the rabbit could come home. I explained she was being held hostage and that DD does not want a new rabbit, she wants OUR rabbit. So he had to agree So she is coming home on Saturday!!! I am so excited!!

One of the things I really did not like about today was when we were in the waiting room, waiting to go into the judges chambers, his solicitor (who was horrible!!) marched him over to the seats opposite me an my solicitor, she sat facing him so he was forced to sit facing me. That bit I did not like. I avoided looking at him but I know he was looking at me. I didn't let it unnerve me though and even managed to have a laugh with my solicitor. HWSNBM will not have liked that at all!!

Then when it was all over and we were out of the court room, HWSNBM got himself a coffee and while he did that my lovely, wonderful solicitor told me to get myself off while he chatted to them and finalised bits so I ran like the wind and got out of there before HWSNBM even turned round from the coffee machine!

So, that's my morning! Apologies for the essay girls but thank you for letting me get it all out and thank you for reading, if indeed you did!

I'm going to sit and think for a bit now before I go collect DD and tell her the good news about the rabbit

Love to everyone xxx