FAB & GLAM 10 - Gosh, Do We Really Talk That Much???

[Dumbledior]

Hi, new thread

Lovely to see all the old posters again. Don't go now you are back.

Annie/UC/MHIS - lovely to see you and thanks MHIS for the FB chat.

No HW, you can't 'make him go to the doctors' but who you trying to convince? Yourself or us?

I would just ask him if it's anything he would like to talk about, tell him talking might make him feel better and if he declines your offer just leave him to get on with it. That's after you have asked him to tell his face to cheer up a bit!

Oh hi Baffy! Know where you're coming from. I adore DS4, of course (13 and not stroppy at all, well, hardly ever) but when he was a few months old I could gladly have left him on the nearest doorstep some nights. I remember one night I was walking up and down, up and down, crying with exhaustion, cursing under my breath and begging the wee babe to go to sleep. XH was really helpful by lying there apparently asleep then asking me in the morning why I hated my baby. What surprises me is that it was another 9 years before I got around to divorcing him.

Come on, tell us the dirt on the ex, I've always wanted to be allowed to despise him heartily.

Back is ok thanks. It hasn't done that horrible twinge thing for a couple of weeks. If I were to be honest there's not a lot wrong with me that some healthy eating and #shudder# exercise wouldn't cure. Been lurking in my sanctuary and comfort eating for too long.

ooh exercise - don't mention that word. I think every day I need to do something, but keep putting it off until next week!

HW, I haven't read through properly yet. What's up with him??

We all moved to my mum's together, but I knew that separating for good would be on the cards not long after that...

It's a big long (boring) story but in a nutshell, it's been coming for ages and I just didn't have the guts to see it through. So H did it himself and just decided he 'couldn't be the husband I needed' and left us last week!

I'm absolutely fine. I should have done it months ago. We didn't have internet access at home, and then work blocked everything, so I literally just couldn't find the time to get on here to update you. But after I last posted, we had a big talk and I said I was sick of it all and I needed him to be a 'husband' to me, in every sense of the word... And... It never happened.
I realised I couldn't keep the house on one wage, begged him to do something to help me out, but again, nothing.
So, I slowly packed everything up, box by box, during March and April. And we moved out at the start of May.
So he lasted a good 3 whole weeks at my mum's, which was an unexpected bonus

I'm sad. But also very relieved that I no longer have to deal with any of his rubbish! I don't think I'd have ever given up on the marriage.
So thank god he gave up for both of us!!

It's ds1's pain that hurts me more than anything. But we'll get through it.

And on the positive side, when the boys stay with him, I get to go out with the girls and then sleep. Now who can argue with that!!

Good to see you back Baffy though sad things haven't worked out with h. Can understand your concern for ds1 but kids are very robust and I am sure he will be fine in time - especially as he is seeing his dad regularly.

TFM - glad you won the court case And glad you and dd are fine Hope dd enjoys her new school. She seems very wise

Annie - sorry to hear your back is playing up still. Mine has been a bit as well (lower) from pounding the treadmill. Let that be your excuse not to exercise Actually, I think it was caused by not raising the incline on the treadmill as once I adjusted it I was fine. I've been building up to 3 miles but still half a mile short of target. Am quite proud of myself though as I've never been able to run that far before. Feeling more toned but don't know if I've lost weight as don't have scales.

Givenchy/Dior - well done on your fantastic weight loss You must be so proud of yourself I am a 12-14 (want to be a 12)but am not dieting so might have to actually diet (scary).

HW - sorry to hear about dh's depression Hope he goes to see the G.P

Ginnny - happy belated 40th. Hope you enjoy your forties Not dreading mine - quite looking forward to it.

Tanee - hope you are ok and things have settled down at work at last

Annie - doh, just saw that you said your back has been fine for past two weeks

No problem hon. Haha, you're concerned about being 12-14 - I'm more like 22-24. My sister, who is more or less the same shape but shorter, has captured a poor deluded man who thinks her figure is perfect, so there's hope! (Compare with XH, who after feeding me chocolate and discouraging me through sulking and accusations from going to the gym, then said he was "averse to fat people", with one of those horrible laughs, and claimed he couldn't reach past my vast tum - and I was thinner then.)

Ah well, at least the soon-to-be-ex Mr Baffy has the kids to stay. He can be useful for something. Funny that it seems to have kind of petered out in the end, thank goodness, instead of imploding horrendously.

Yes, at least there's no big drama this time. I think the whole relationship has just run its course.

The tiniest bit of effort from him and I think it would have worked out. But that was never going to happen was it...

Feel free to despise him heartily though

Annie - yes I've met plenty of men who like voluptuous women. And I see plenty of women at my gym with a fuller figure (especially doing racquet sports - which requires a good level of fitness)and they seem confident and happy. My problem is that I've never really accepted my post-kids figure. I feel frumpy rather than curvy. Dh doesn't mind me as I am - in fact he doesn't go for skinny women. It's my hang-up. What's happening about your counselling course?

Oh and at your xh Must have been hard for him being so perfect eh

He wasn't perfect, he was a skinny rat.

Just don't ask about the course, ok... bloody great waste of money if I keep pretending it isn't there...

A skinny, sneaking smoking rat you mean Ok .....won't ask about the course

A skinny, sneaking smoking, miserable, grimy, emotionally abusive rat. And those were his good points.

My sister and DSs 1 & 2 have the odd word about course non-engagement too, and they're right. One day, one day I'll pick it up and actually do the thing and feel so good about it I'll wonder what I was hiding from. But that day is not today and, in the immortal words of Dilbert (I think it was), tomorrow is not looking good either.

scoffs biscuit

or an alternative career as a stand up comedian. I think you'd be rather good

Baffy that things didn't work out with H but it was very brave of you to let things run their course cannot keep flogging a dead horse. it is a shame but you couldn't carry on making all the effort with nothing back in return. onwards and upwards. I've a feeling you won't be on the shelf for long - you are gorgeous and any man would be lucky to have you!

And not .... bloody predictive text.

LL

Hello it's MHIS here

Just seen Baffy's posts and wanted to send big big hugs. that things didn't work out with your DH but at least you did absolutely EVERYTHING possible to try.

You are an amazing person and you deserve to be happy x

I'm still doing really well. I am now in my new house and have a lovely (younger)no strings bloke on the scene which is fab and just what I need at the moment

Not had chance for a proper catch up on here but do keep tabs on you all Hope you are all well xx

Hi MHIS! #waves# Delighted to hear all is well. No strings is good; it's when the strings are all one-way that it's time to run for the hills.

LL, you inspired me to compose a little stand-up routine, well, wee sketchette, for myself. It goes something like this:

[enters, grips microphone tightly, flashes nervous smile at audience] Good evening everyone. This is my first time on any kind of stage, so I hope you will bear with me if I should show some signs of nerves or forget my... or... or anything. But obviously I have nothing to worry about. I can see you are the nicest collection of axe murderers I've ever met. I mean, after all, what's the worst you can... [breathes hard]. Well never mind that.

[flourishes paper] The secret of good stand-up, they tell me, is good material, and I'm confident tonight because I've got a really good [consults paper]... shopping list... [gulps, puts paper away]. OK, so, I've got five minutes, let's, um. Ritual seppuku always has them rolling in the aisles; makes a bit of a mess though, we don't want to upset the cleaners. How about a striptease! [smiles brightly, begins to shrug off jacket, looks down at self] Or, or maybe not.

I tell you what, there's a little song I used to sing at school [adjusts microphone], it was always popular, though perhaps not so much with the teachers, and I hope you'll enjoy it too. Wait - what's that over there? [points dramatically to back of auditorium, runs off screaming]

annie - can tell you've done this before Think you should alter the end of your act though and actually do the song!

MHIS - so pleased all is going well for you and delighted about your younger no strings male companion

Annie, [gtin] - ok, so don't give up the day job yet ! You could be the female Seinfeld - write a comedy about nothing!

Seriously though, it's great to see so many of the old faces (and Annie) back on this thread.

Hi Baffy, good to see you back, but I am sorry to hear things didn't work out with H. But oh, you gave it all you could, and more! It sounds like you're ok now, so it shows things have run their course in the best way - and you have two gorgeous boys to show for it (even if DS2 doesn't yet know what sleep is!) Also, you're now free for the next love of your life - and with your looks, personality and intelligence, he'll be a lucky man! You seem to be good at looking at the positives in your current situation too, and that's such a bonus.

I'm having a strange and slightly hungover morning. DP and I had a lovely evening - we've had a good few days of getting on really well and having some nice times together, so much that, once again, I was beginning to think I could tackle him about DD. Last night we sat in the garden - it was a surprisingly lovely, balmy evening, so we lit candles and watched the stars come out. We started talking about having the neighbours round for a little garden party, seemed like a good idea - then suddenly he started saying we could have the party, but he wouldn't be here. I said, 'what do you mean? Why would you not be here?' then he said something about DD and me enjoying it better (first time she'd entered the conversation) - got up and went off to bed!

WTH? . This morning I asked him what happened last night, and he said he just felt we were getting into an argument, so he decided to go to bed. He said he was really sorry he'd confused and upset me but he couldn't remember WHY we were arguing.

Weird, huh? Like suddenly, a switch went in his head and Mr Hyde took over. Left me quite discombobulated. I was so discombobulated that I finished the bottle of rose on my own (not a good idea , emailed TFM at some silly hour and went to bed with the cats!

Anyway, at least it gives me something to talk about at AlAnon tonight

HW, I really hope your DH gets to the GP - but as TFM says, you can't make him. That's the worst thing about depression - learning that we have absolutely NO control over it, or over our DP's decision whether or not to get help. Yet their illness affects the entire family

At least work is going well. Yesterday we had a sweepstake for the footie - which is odd for me as I am not a footie fan. We drew 4 teams each, and I guess I won't be retiring on the proceeds, as I have the USA, Nigeria, Slovakia and Chile!

Tanee - it seems as if he sabotages things when they are going well. I wonder if that switch that goes off is his psyche saying "this feels nice.......now we can't have that can we" so then he fucks it up. Also he clearly has jealousy issues about your dd. Alcohol has a habit of making people say the things they are really thinking but don't usually say when sober. Also, he's right isn't he - you and dd probably would enjoy it more. I feel for you. It must be hard work dealing with that kind of uncertainty (with dp)and you must be missing having dd home as well

Seriously weird, Tanee. If there was any argument, you weren't a part of it. Either he was projecting an inner conflict onto you, or he could sense a discussion about DD was coming up and that it would have potentially ended up in an argument, which he ducked by mooching off. It sounds like there is a decent man in there somewhere, who feels guilty about getting between you and DD, but is not brave enough to face those "ishoos" alone and is absolutely terrified to let someone else in to share them with. Instead they keep popping up in odd, self-destructive behaviour. So frustrating for you.

LL and Annie, yes, you both hit several nails on the head there, I think. I know he has a problem with happiness - doesn't think he CAN be happy, doesn't think it lasts, doesn't think happy relationships can last, so self-destructs. I had a chat with TFM about this, and I think there were two conversations going on last night. One with me, and one with himself in his head. I think talking about the neighbours reminded him that DD should be part of this household, should be at the party (though I know she'd rather duck out of meeting all these 'old' people, one of whom is a teacher at her junior school! And at that point he decided to exclude himself and threw a little tantrum, not at anything I said, but at whatever he said to himself. And this morning, of course, he claims he can't remember any of it!

Anyhoo, I'm not letting this discombulate me any more. It's HIS ishoo, HIS problem, and I have done nothing to contribute. I am going to get dressed now and have a fab day!