Hello everyone
Thanks so much for the words of wisdom. I really did need to just get everything out.
Although thinking this is a safe place where nobody judges was probably a step too far
LL you are right. Me not talking does allow him to carry on. That's why I know I do need to do something.
I'm ok. In a daze really as I know what needs to happen next. I really still don't see the point in talking even though we have to. As I say, I'm absolutely sick to death of all of this. If we talk, he will explain that he just doesn't know why he is like he is, he's so lucky to have me and he knows that he is, I'm the best wife ever, blah blah blah. I could write his responses now so it's pointless.
I think you're all right though. He does this because I let him. And I continue to let him.
It's just where do I go from here. He's a good dad, he's a nice person, he's not abusive, he's good company (when he wants to be!). People live in far far worse situations. So yes, I think there is an element of guilt on my part at splitting the family up when he is actually quite happy to stay for now (well why wouldn't he be with me looking after him! As long as he gets his freedom hey.)
But as things are, I feel like I'm just waiting for his next affair. Because lets face it, anyone who is in a marriage for the wrong reasons would absolutely jump at the first sign of attention from someone they are attracted to. It would bring back all those feelings he's not currently having. I know it would happen if the circumstances were right.
Similarly I do wonder how I would respond these days in that situation. If I actually met someone who was attracted to me, who gave me time and attention, who made me feel alive and special again - it scares me at what I may do and I have never felt like this before.
Annie, I guess when you say why didn't I ask him to clean up, I just don't see the point. That's just not me. Then I really would feel like his mother and it would give me no satisfaction that he had done it. I'd just rather quietly get on with these things myself and then it's done. Then moan here! For me I think it's not about him doing these things, which probably sounds stupid to you, it's about him thinking to do them and offering. In all reality, I'd probably rather him play with the boys and stay out of my way anyway (as I'm a bit OCD when it comes to cleaning!). Like you say, it's about me feeling like his equal and his wife, not the person who looks after him.
Funny you guys saying the same things I think though, I often feel like I have 3 children and that's just not how it should be!
I'm a lot calmer now. But I actually still do feel that this is it.
I actually wondered if he had read MN the other day as that night, I got in and he had cleaned up and started tea, and has been asking me all week what he can do to help out and what needs doing.
Part of me was thinking this morning is whether this is his way of reeling me back in, being good around the house and attentive for a little while because I exploded so badly. Then when the dust has settled, he can go back to his old ways.
Whilst I can say that I don't believe for 1 second he would do that deliberately, I think that subconsciously that could be exactly what he's doing. Not maliciously. But because that's what he needs to do for his survival.
His 'good thing' is about to walk away and he is doing just enough to stop that from happening...
I do agree when you're saying just do enough washing/shopping etc for me and the children. But honestly for me, that's not the crux of the problem. He'd do his own washing and shopping. He lived on his own for nearly 2 years just recently didn't he and he coped fine (although nothing was ever well washed or ironed but you get what I mean! ). Living like that would just turn into living hell for me and I'd really rather live like that in separate places and not put us all through it.
TFM, when you say have a long hard think about what I want from my relationship I know the answer already. I want to feel loved. That's it.
Like I say, I'm OCD about the house anyway, I actually get a stupid sense of satisfaction from getting everything clean and sorted etc etc. I think me moaning about all of that stuff is just a symptom of the real underlying issue. I just don't feel that I get the love and consideration that a wife should get. I know he appreciates me. Loves me. But like you all say, probably like any boy appreciates and loves his mum. I just don't get any desire from him anymore. Nothing. And it's making me pick at him in other ways. But really, it's about the love.
HW, I think hearing you talk about the effort your dh now puts in, makes me realise just how much effort he doesn't iyswim!
TFM I think you're right about the empty threats too. I know it's pointless and just gives him even more reason to carry on because nothing changes.
I don't think I want to live separate lives under the same roof though. I want to be a couple or if not, what's the point.
I guess I feel so sick at the thought of actually splitting up my family.
I am going to talk to him this weekend and although I'm a lot calmer now, nothing has changed for me. I can't carry on like this and I still mean that I want him to leave. Well I actually want us to give up the house and get our own places that we can afford. HW, like you, I now know I am not scared to be on my own.
Saying that calmly in the cold light of day is going to kill me. But TFM, when you say command respect, it may not be in the way you meant, but I hope that he will respect the fact that I can't live with second best anymore. I'm giving up perhaps what many people would consider to be an ok life. But I think it's the right thing to do. I can't make him love me the way I want and unless I decide to accept this and carry on as things are, then I don't see any other choice.
Wish me luck
TFM how are you doing?
I can't believe he hadn't spoken to you for 16 days!! How you got the strength to leave is amazing. I am so glad you are staying put there for now. Him buying you a house?! WTF! Does he not realise that you now understand his controlling behaviour and have found a way out of it? Why on earth you would then put yourself right back into his control?!
I think he is the one who needs counselling tbh. To even still be suggesting things like that.
But I agree with you too, until you are strong enough to not only get your own place, but deal with the inevitable pressure that will then come from him when you have no other support or protection (so to speak), then you're absolutely right to stay right where you are!
As long as you and dd are happy and safe that's all that matters Everything else will fall into place in its own time.