Hehe little boys and their ability to wear us out! It's a killer isn't it
Ah Tanee I?m so glad things are so much better and DD is coping well. I would have loved to be within walking distance of school so that?s a mini bonus too! At least things are on the right track. Valentines day sounds lovely.
Dior I?m glad you?ve managed to step away ? last thing you need is someone dragging you down at a time when things are finally looking lots more positive.
Yes Annie I can?t quite believe where I am myself some days, I do actually wonder how I got here at times (I think my ability to block out anything I don?t want to think about is becoming too good!). He really is (almost) back to the man I married and I can see the look on his face whenever we discuss OW as though he really can?t believe what he did (for her!). It?s almost as though once he had cheated and started down that track, he couldn?t see any way back. I think that the way he behaved was a combination of defensiveness (knowing he was being a total twunt), desire to do whatever the hell he wanted, and the need to cut me out completely and breakdown anything positive between us so that he could justify his behaviour to himself. I always felt that I wasn?t seeing the real him but I couldn?t at that stage get to the bottom of why.
I have to say, I have realised too that some of it was symptomatic of the problems we had between us at that time (not that it is any excuse!) but we were absolutely useless at talking about anything remotely serious.
It?s a big lesson we?ve learnt, and to be honest I still struggle with it now. We have promised each other that we must speak up at the first sign of anything bothering us or us not being happy (as if he?d have just been able to say how unhappy he was 3 years ago we might not be where we are now!). And I do bottle things up far too much.
But he actually said a couple of weeks ago that he was feeling unhappy. Not with me, but just with ?everything?. He told me, and said he was a bit worried about how low he was feeling, and therefore, a bit worried about ?us? and him not putting in the effort that a marriage needs as he's so drained. My stomach went into knots!
We talked it through ? his redundancy, the current nightmare of owning his own (loss making!) business, the court applications and hell with OW, serious money problems, ds2 waking up at least 3 times a night for the past 7 months! etc etc.
And I immediately took it as a personal criticism that he?s not happy with me! It took days to get my head around the fact that he was trying to be honest and speak to me about how he was feeling before it all got too on top of him. And he wanted to just be close and tried to cuddle me in bed after we?d talked, and I just felt this barrier go up and this intense feeling that I just don?t have the energy to love and support someone again if external factors are going to come between us anyway. I think he just wanted some understanding and support, but I shut off instead.
Does that make any sense?! I guess the upshot is, that whilst things are really good and he really has been a fantastic husband and dad again in the past 12 months, I don?t suppose the underlying hurt will ever go away. It seems to reappear quite often. I think I?m just trying to learn how to live with it now. Trying not to let the recent past affect the future? Impossible maybe?!
Anyway, course to learn about counselling sounds good. One of my good friends has just trained to be a counsellor and she can talk more than anyone I?ve ever met! She has tried to help me a few times (although we just end up gossiping and getting drunk so it?s not too productive!), but she?s great in 'real life?! Puts people at ease straight away and there?s never an awkward quiet moment when she?s around I think you?ll be great.
As for ds2 and the sleeping saga, he slept 12 hours last night!!
(Little monkey is probably just building his strength back up after the illness so that once he?s feeling up to it he can create even more havoc through the night! )