FAB & GLAM 10 - Gosh, Do We Really Talk That Much???

[Dumbledior]

Hi, new thread

Lovely to see all the old posters again. Don't go now you are back.

Annie/UC/MHIS - lovely to see you and thanks MHIS for the FB chat.

Hi Tannee - how are you finding Al Anon? Good for you ignoring his drinking. I find that's the best way, otherwise you will drive yourself mad. Its his body and his responsibility at the end of the day, and like my dp he has to face the consequences of his drinking - whatever they may be. Although to be fair he has been really good since Christmas.
HW - at the life cover, got your priorities right there!
I haven't been on here for a while. I've been in a world of my own since Nan died. It has been a horrible time but I think I'm turning the corner now although its still hard. I've been helping my Mum sort out Nan's house. There is 60+ years of toot stuff to sort through and its a nightmare. Now I know where I get my hoarding habits from . I must declutter my own house or my poor boys will be cursing me when I pop off!

I am a thread killer

Hi Ginnny, you old thread killer, you . Good to see you back. It must be a dreadfully sad time for you, especially going through your Nan's things. But it's very good to hear that DP is being good.

HW, I like that insurance idea. I must consider it. Mind you, if they knew DP's intake, the premiums would be sky high?

Despite the continuing drinking, things have actually been a lot better since Christmas. I think the talk his sisters gave him, has paid off. Plus he knows I'm going to AlAnon and is quite curious about it. I'm finding it a very positive experience so far. I've been to 4 meetings and though it still feels a bit like a cult, they're very supportive people and we have a few laughs as well as tears. I intend to keep going.

How are everyone else?

And it seems my h has actually listened to dd - he has certainly cut down during the week.

Glad you re feeling a bit better Ginnny too - its a good time for a good old declutter too.

HW - glad your dh has cut down on the boozing. Think it's easily done at xmas time then the habit carries over into January.

Ginnny - must be sad to go through your nan's stuff A lot of old people like clutter don't they. Mind you, my mum is middle-aged and she has a lot of clutter as well. I think she finds it comforting. I really want ot declutter this year. We have stuff in our garage that's been there since we moved here 3 years ago. Really need to hire a skip or van and dump loads of stuff/take to charity shop. If it's been there 3 years and been unused, then we clearly don't need it!

All is ok here. Baby is doing well, though we were worried just after xmas as her weight gain slowed down a lot. It was my birthday recently and I had a quiet meal out with family but had fun buying some lovely new clothes with my birthday money
The dreaded Valentines Day looms ever closer. Think I will make myself busy that day - a long session at the gym I reckon!

Hello!

I'm back! I'm so so sorry, I still have no home pc so with ds2 and everything else going on I have just had no chance to say hello and see how you all are. I hope everyone is well.

Am off to catch up....

Baffy, HI!! - fantastic to see you on again! How are the dss? How are things with DH? I've been thinking about you. Hope you find time to update us soon. Don't go away!

Well that took a while to catch up on!!

Hi Tannee! I will try to update you!

Wow it?s been ups and downs all over hasn?t it I hope everyone is doing ok.

LL am so glad your beautiful little girl is doing so well. Operation sounds scary but I definitely think it was the right move while she?s still so small, I?m glad she?s ok.

Tannee ? you sound like you have been through the worst time of it! I really don?t know where to start. It actually made me in one of your latest posts when you said how dp was fine with dd staying over and you felt happy. But then I quickly felt really sad, that something so small that most of us would take for granted is such a massive thing for you. Sadly, I do think it shows just how bad he is, and how bad he has become.

I?m so pleased you?re going to AA and finding it useful and I have everything crossed for you that his sisters talking to him, plus his lighter mood and effort lately, are the first tiny steps on the way to happiness. If I didn?t know how much you love him and want this to work I?d tell you that you should be packing up his things about now and leaving them outside the front door! But that?s not what us teabags are all about is it

Just please remember that no matter how much you love him, there has to be a time when you say enough is enough. A few key things have stuck in my mind from reading those hundreds of pages of posts! (My memory is not what it was!) He didn?t even contact you on Christmas day, you say he has affected dd in ways he can?t even understand, and most of all, that he is robbing you of your precious last few months with dd at home.
You can still love him and try with all of your heart to make it work. But that doesn?t have to be under the same roof and you don?t have to let him make you do things you?ll regret. If you want dd home then he has to go. Even if it?s just for now. DD will always be your daughter, they grow up too fast as it is, and if you feel that you are missing out on precious moments you may never get back then let dp worry about himself for a while and you concentrate on YOU.

Ginny I?m so sorry to read about your Nan I?m glad dp was supportive though. How is dp being now? And how are those gorgeous boys of yours?

Lily how are you? How?s dd2 doing, can?t believe how fast the time has flown since she was born! How is she after that horrible fall, can?t believe she lost a tooth
Ds1 is the clumsiest little angel ever, how he hasn?t lost a tooth with the amount of times he bangs his head is a miracle!

Dior congratulations on the weight loss! Amazing! At the start of my catch up you seemed really low but so good to see towards the end how well you?re doing and how much brighter you sound.

HW am very about your ring. Sounds gorgeous. I?m glad things sound ok with you. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas.

Annie good to see you too. How?s the job hunting going? My dh was made redundant last summer and after nightmare job hunting sessions has thrown his heart and soul into his own business. Which is even worse. So sending you lots of good luck with the perfect job appearing very soon!

Macd how are you doing? So so good you?re finally rid of XH. Can?t believe how long it?s all been going on and how good you are over OW etc. What is it that?s going wrong with dp? He sounds like he?s lovely. Just not making you happy?
Are the girls ok?

Lilybubble am so sorry to hear about your dad I am also amazed, but pleased, that XH seems to be stepping up to the mark in being a good dad to your lovely little girl. that he still hasn?t given you any money though. Cheeky *! Does he even have a valid excuse for that??

And finally my lovely TFM! How?s the foot now?! Did you have a good Christmas and New Year. How?s dd?
Do you know how PC is doing?

I hope I haven?t missed anyone out!

It made me smile to read all of your stories of how proud you are of your lo?s. I have to say that I count my blessings every day over how lucky I am to have my 2 beautiful boys. Ds1 is an absolutely amazing big brother and looks after ds2 so so well. He?s always kissing and hugging him, and is always first there to put his dummy in, or pass him his toys (favourite game at the moment is dropping everything!). Also find him saying ?mum, he?s crying because you haven?t done xyz? e.g. forgotten to switch his mobile on, and him being right!! I am so proud of him.

Ds2 is just coming up to 7 months old now. The absolute opposite of his brother in every way (except looks wise) but he?s high maintenance, into everything and a little cheeky monkey already! Having real trouble in the nights with him though.
In fact, if anyone here has any words of wisdom I?d be grateful for the rest of my life!!

When he was born he was a little monkey, waking every 1-2 hours all night, screaming the house down if he didn?t get milk quick enough! By about 3 months he was sleeping a good 7-10 hours a night so quite often in bed for 7, feed around 4am, then getting up at 7am. Which was great.
But he?s gone totally backwards!!
Have been weaning him for about 5 weeks. So he has all of his bottles plus 3 meals a day. Then I?d say is waking at least every 2 hours all through the night. Sometimes taking as little as 1oz, then going back to sleep! Arghhh!

Have tried ignoring him ? he screams the house down and wakes ds1 up so that he?s tired and grumpy then for school.
Tried offering water in case he?s just thirsty. You?d think I was trying to choke him with acid!
Dummy ? spits it out.
Cuddles ? hits me!
Pram ? screams louder.
Our bed ? easier access to hit us, put his fingers up our noses or generally cause havoc!

So the solution is?!?!

I know?.. ?it?s just a phase?

(let me do another post this one's getting too long...)

Anyway, rather than post the longest post in history I thought I?d start again!
Briefly, things are not too bad for us. Dh and I are generally really happy and he has been amazing with the boys and very affectionate and considerate.

We?ve had a few hard moments. For example money was always going to be tight when I was off, so that coupled with him losing his job and starting the business, has neared disaster a few times. I am so proud of how hard he?s working, but also fairly exhausted at feeling like the whole burden of keeping things together and paying the bills is falling to me. I?ve ended up getting into massive debt to have the 6 months off with ds2 which will take me a good few years to pay back so am fairly scared about what the future holds at the moment.

Luckily, we don?t fight or argue over money and we would give each other our last penny. We are trying to work it out together. But you do wonder when the time has to come where you say enough?s enough and you need to start earning a salary before I collapse under the pressure!

Not sure where we were up to with OW last time I posted. I think you know he was seeing the baby, paying maintenance etc. Gave her 100s of £ to get the things she needed for the baby as her NM wouldn't pay as it 'wasn't his child'! Anyway, we were both coping well with it and I'd even suggested he take ds1 round to hers to see the baby a few times which he did. We then had OW, her new partner, and the baby, round to our house for an adult discussion over his access and how we would structure it all so that we all knew where we stood
He just wanted to see her 2-3 times a week instead of once. It seemed to go really well at the time and they agreed 3 regular days and times.

Anyway, in a dramatic turn of events just 2 weeks after that meeting, OW said her new partner could not handle dh in their lives (jealous, worried they?ll get back together, doesn?t want the baby to love him more!!) and could he walk away until the baby is older and they?ll re-introduce him!!

As you can imagine, dh said no way, but he will respect that her new partner is the baby?s step dad and that his access is as agreed, and no more.

That wasn?t enough, she wanted him gone, and so told him after all that, he?s not actually the father!

Then changed her mobile number. And has moved house. And when dh got wind of the fact that she was moving, he called round in person to try and speak to her and she called the police and said he was a jealous ex harassing her!!!!!!!
Her father then arrived and said if he didn't walk away he'd 'be sorry'!

So, as she has flatly refused a paternity test from day one, we are now paying thousands of pounds to a solicitor to take her to court. Firstly to establish paternity. Then if the baby is dh?s, to apply for regular access.

Some people would say at this stage that we should just be glad they're out of our lives and walk away. Have heard that many times! But thing about OW is that when it all comes crashing down with NM, who's door will she come knocking on. And as dh says, he couldn't live with himself knowing there's a good chance she's his baby and she deserves the same love as the boys.

Sad thing is, the baby is 1 next week and he has already missed her first Christmas and has no way of seeing her on her birthday. OW is a very very evil, manipulative and selfish person. I guess we all knew that. But she is reaching new depths denying her own daughter her real father (whoever that turns out to be).

Sad thing is, I think that me being ok with it all was the final straw for her. She wanted me to make dh?s life hell, stop him seeing her etc, then she could take the money, play the victim, and none of it would be her fault.
But once she knew I was here to stay and I wanted our children to know each other she just couldn?t cope with it. I could go into a rant about how stupid it is to get pregnant to a married man with kids and then expect the wife and kids to disappear ? but I won?t!

Having said all of that, not having her in our lives for a few months has been absolute bliss. We had our best Christmas ever. Lots of time as a family enjoying each other?s company. It was brilliant. And rather selfishly, although I know it?s 100% the right thing to do to establish paternity and create a bond and loving relationship with this innocent little baby, a big part of me wishes I never had to see or hear from any of them again. I know it?s going to be really hard and bring back so many buried feelings and emotions. But I guess it?s what I signed up to hey!

Gosh it?s all coming back to me now. Like a few of you were saying, the trust issue never goes away and we?ve had a few heated moments over one or two things which still aren?t 100% resolved and are simmering away.
I will stop boring you now and come back with that another day!

In the meantime, sleep solutions and words of wisdom much appreciated

Lots of love to all of you and when we organise the next meet up we need to plan in advance as I will definitely be there!

Hi Baffy Oh no - never boring
Glad paternity is finally being sought - though what a shame that it had to happen that way. Must be hard for dh to not be able to see her Guess he now realises what a nightmare she is - rather too late. Oh if only men had crystal balls instead of the ones attached to their youknowwhats
How cute that ds1 is being such a superb big brother Bless him. Ds is being equally great in that department Sorry, no nuggets of wisdom re. ds2. He sounds like a fun cheeky little thing though Ds1 was a terrible sleeper. Dd much better. She goes from 7pm - 1am, then feed her (bf) and she goes straight back to sleep (usually though sometimes chatters for a bit)and wakes 5-6am.
So glad that you and dh are together and things are going well. There are still trust issues here as well - I snoop sometimes Never find anything though and I think it's just something that will eventually become unimportant. This time of year is particularly hard for me as it's when I first discovered dh had been unfaithful.

Hi Baffy how wonderful to hear from you.

RE the baby thing - sorry not much advice i had one who just didnt like being a baby - didnt sleep through til he was 4. He really was a horror and i still dont know how i stayed out of prison and he stayed alive.
However once he was 4 he was a delight and we really havent had many problems since (although we do have the teenage years looming).

I think the trust thing is something you will have to live with - as nice as it would be to trust again and as much as you want to trust you also need to accept that it is just not ever going to be the same again.
H and i can now laugh about it - but we are both sad that it will never be the same. But i also believe i will never fully trust anyone again.

But that is not your failing and you should never feel bad that you have a desire to check up. My h is happy for me to check (even though i dont like myself for wanting to - he says he has nothing to hide so really doesnt mind). It is just one area where things have changed.
The thing is to try to focus on the things you do trust him with - such as taking care of the children, money, housework etc. This one area where your trust has been shattered is only one piece of the whole thing and hopefully in time you can both learn to live with it.

The way i deal with it is to be open about it too - so whereas i can trust my h with money (he wouldnt even know how to fill in a form to get us into debt) and i can trust him to look after the children 100%.
However i also know that h can have too much to drink from time to time and i have to watch the wine.

But then i cant really trust myself to not overspend in the sales .

Anyway baffy - always here for you - let off steam when you can, it is not easy and there will always be days and times when reminders are there.

We are more than 3 years now and we still have talks about the dark days as we now call them.

Baffy obv I meant ow being a nightmare - not his dd!

HW - will email you a pic of dd so you can email to any of the other teabags (not facebook though).

Hi Baffy.
So good to see you back, I missed you!
Its wonderful to see that you got your 'happy ending' I always hoped that you would and it is all credit to you that you have taken dh back and started again, there are many that wouldn't (me included probably). I really take my hat off to you.
No advice on sleeping though - both of mine were fairly good sleepers {smug emoticon]
As for OW - well she's really shown her true colours hasn't she, which we knew she would.
What a piece of work now she has an innocent child to use as a weapon, its beyond belief. Your DH must be kicking himself for ever being taken in by her.
I'm doing OK. Still think about my Nan every day and miss her more than I ever thought I would. My Mum is struggling though and I feel for her, its made me appreciate her all the more, and the rest of the family have grown closer, which we never really were before.
DP is still being good. He has his 'days out' when he gets absolutely slaughtered, but I never see it and its good because it gives me space and more time to concentrate on the dcs.
I still don't know how I really feel about him though. I know its a cliche but I don't feel 'in love' with him any more. I do love him and we get on great, but I sometimes feel that something is missing. But then we've been together 5 years nearly and I guess that's how relationships go (in my experience anyway).
Anyway I'd better go and do some work before I get fired!
Hope everyone is OK and looking forward to the meetup.

Lush - i got that email and wondered why on earth someone had sent it to me.

Sorry but your name didnt register with me at the time and i thought it was of a school friends child. It all makes sense now though - thanks.

Ha ha Sorry, I should have explained in the email. Suppose I thought you'd see this thread before your email - bit silly of me

Hello

Good to hear from all of you. Have missed you all lots (if you can miss people you?ve only ever met once!) but I?ve missed the laughs, and hearing how everyone is, and being able to have a good moan to people who won?t judge ? so you have a good 8 months of moaning for me to catch up on

Didn?t think there would be any good advice on the little monkey number 2. LL you?re right, he is loads of fun and so cheeky, can?t help but just want to hug and kiss him constantly! And you can imagine how well that goes down with a baby who?s desperate to be independent. I?m sure I can see his little brain thinking why can?t I run around like my big brother, followed by, give me a week or two and I?ll be doing that!!

My alarm was due to go off at half past six this morning, and the little monster woke up at 6 for a feed (bearing in mind he?d been up at 2.30 and 4 as well!) and I was literally begging him to just give me 10 more minutes! I?m sure we?ve all been there!

Ginny I know what you mean about something being missing. Sometimes, when we have real quality time together as a couple I think everything is great, but some days when the reality of real life and children and chores sets in, I do wonder the same thing. But like you say, maybe that?s just the way relationships go. That initial spark never lasts does it ? I guess I?ve been lucky in a way as we?ve had that back for a while since getting back together.
(Now that?s how to put a positive spin on breaking up for a while after an affair!! )
But anyway, you know what I mean!

I?m like you though LL and HW, I do have a little look sometimes. I hate myself for it, but he now owns a bar, and often comes in at 2,3,4 am, and it?s blummin? hard to be sat at home with the children wondering what?s going on. Truth of which is, he?s probably working hard. But I also have a few little demons about a couple of girls he met when we were apart, who frequently go to the bar to see him, and that?s hard!
Even if there?s no bad thoughts on his part, it?s still hard!
I do trust him in so far as I genuinely don?t think he would ever jeopardise what he?s got again. I know how much he values it now, and I know he?d die for the boys, he?s an amazing dad with so much time and energy for them. But at the same time, that little voice keeps saying I didn?t think he?d do it last time did I?.
Ah, but must stay positive!

HW can?t believe you had just 1 who was like that. Just goes to show how different they all are and how their personalities are all pre-set! Still at him not sleeping until 4! The prison comment is very understandable, I?m there already after just 6 months!!!

Baffy
So glad you are back.

I think the trust thing will never come back totally - i think i am less trusting of lots of people now too. My friend who is in a new relationship still has the urge to check on him and he is totally innocent - but like you that is what she thought before - i dont think there is any escape for us now.

My h makes it much easier for me though and will offer a lot more information and will often bring up the affair himself (as he knows it has crossed my mind). He also realises that he cant carry on with the life he had before - even missed some xmas parties this year too. He is prepared to give up a lot for us now - and so in many ways he is actually a better person.
So dont you ever think less of yourself for wanting to check up on him - its a small price for him to pay to have you back in his life.

Thanks HW

oh Baffy how lovely to "see" you, have been wondering how you are !! So glad to hear you sounding happy, with your lovely boys,and am glad H is trying to step up and fix the mess he made! And credit you for letting him!! The OW is still clearly barking!! But no change there is there, her poor DD, I hope she does get a chance for a relationship with your boys!

Hi everyone else, I have been around but busy and stressed!
My absolute is final (those of you on FB already know that), and next week is the property auction to see if we can clear the debt and finalise the financial settlement, XH doesnt know but after that I will be going to the CSA, twat still doesnt pay a penny to the girls, despite now working away and presumably earning a decent wack, no idea what he does with it, because I am paying ALL the joint debt and supporting the girls! Ah well, I find what he does affects me less and less, I am accepting he is never going to change so I need to accept that and not bother
As for OW, I assume they are "happy" together, I really am not angry with her anymore, I mostly really couldnt care less, she has what she wanted, I hope she is enjoying it , some days I feel sorry for her, occasionally angry, but I see so much of me in her 10 yrs ago, and can see how it will end, so another damaged child

Am having a lot of hassle from XMIL, long story, will come back later and tell!

My girls are fab really, cant complain at all, and I know thats down wholly to me, life is getting better and I can see a good future now

DP is a shame really, he is a lovely man, and adores me AND the DD, in fact I think he has found it very hard that me breaking it off means he cant see them He has his faults as do I, but I think it comes down to me really not being ready for a serious full on relationship which is what he wants, and TBH him just not really doing it for me I did try and it just isnt right, so not going to keep flogging it!
He is gutted, and I feel bad, but am so so so so enjoying being by myself with the DD's

Right need to get DD's dressed, their dad is having them for the day, and I am off for a posh champagne tea with my best friend (a birthday present from her lats year!!!)!

I'll be back later, to catch up on everyone else

Wow macd how far you've come even just over the last 12 months! Your whole post made me

It's amazing what a bit of time, healing, common sense (and TFM advice!) can do!! Am so so pleased for you. One way or another at least we're seeing more smiles now than sad faces. Long may it last...

Hi all! Baffy - lovely to see you back, especially with the update. Funnily enough, I had been wondering how you were doing. Glad that things are good between you both.

Well, I had a shitty start to the year - not me, but coping with a friend's crap. Now wondering whether it is worth the friendship . Am nearly at three stone lost, although this week is not so good.

H and I getting on well. Nothing more to add really. He is giving me more attention (because of the loss?) and that is always nice.

Well done Dior - we need to see some photos of the new you!! Glad he's giving you the attention you deserve, whatever the reason. Enjoy it!!
MacD - good to 'see' you again. Shame about your NM but if its not right its not right. Hope all goes well with the auctions. at the champagne tea - sounds lovely.
Nothing to report here - same old same old I'm afraid!

Hi All, really busy at work, so not getting much MN time. (home laptop still playing up from time to time).

Baffy, great to have your update. I'm so glad things have worked out for you . All except the sleeping, of course. If it's any comfort, DD never did sleep well and still doesn't. I once bought her special crystals to put under her pillow (I was going through a Wiccan phase . Not to be recommended for a baby, though! As for OW, well, she doesn't change, does she! Hope it works out with the paternity case. I feel sad for the LO - I hope she hasn't inherited her mother's mental state!

Thanks for your kind words about me too. Yes, things were grim at Christmas, and if I could have packed DP's bags then, I would. But I think (hope!) that was his lowest point. Things do really seem to be getting better. I don't want to kick him out now, and DD won't move back whilst he's here, but he's been fine about her staying over and I hope that will continue to develop. He's been in a very dark place, and we got dragged in after him, but the depression is definitely easing now, he's much more the man I love (and yes, the spark is still there, albeing dimmed for a time). OK, he's still drinking, but it's a little less and he's not negative any more. I, meantime, feel very much stronger than I did even a few months ago.

Dior, great to hear from you! Yes, post some photos, otherwise we won't recognise you when we have that meet up.

Hope the weather improves soon - daren't suggest any meetup dates whilst we still have a chance of snow!

Dior I'm so glad things are going well

Have been there too when a friends problems start to become a drain on you, what a nightmare, do you know what you're going to do, can you back off a bit from it?

Tanee I'm glad things are going in the right direction. Long may it continue! Is dd ok at your parents for the time being?

We've had a bit of a nightmare week, ds2 stopped breathing last Monday and was rushed into hospital. He's been really poorly. Don't really want to post about it on here, am still in shock about it all. But he's very much on the mend now He also slept through last night. First time! 11 hours! Yippee!
(I know it may be a one off but let me enjoy it while it lasts )
Although I did lie awake from 6am, when I woke up and realised we hadn't been up to him all night, wondering when he would wake up!!!