Why do you do it?

[Pennytree]

For those of you that withdraw "Intimacy" in the bedroom

Why do you do it ?

Dh has and its doing my head in and I dont know why? Its been 7 long years and i cant take anymore

So please answer why you may??

7 years? because he's an arse... what else is going on?

Oh god...... Lives short, move on!!

We are married 2 dcs
How can I move on
Can I justify that to my Dcs
"dadddy won`t sleep with me"

He says nothing is going on
Won`t get help if you know what I mean

So what reason does he give Penny? So sorry for you - you must feel so rejected. Does he expect you to be celibate for the rest of your life?

Is the rest of your relationship absolutely fine???

Does he show you affection in any other way? Have you talked about it with him? If so, what does he say? Have you told him how you feel about this?

I could not be with someone and not be intimate with them for 7 years. It may be blunt, but life really is too short for that.

that must really hurt,it would make me feel really bad,i have gone from a relationship where i felt like one of the benny hill girls being chased around by my ex constantly begging for nookie,now to my husband who can take or leave it,it does make feel wierd and have to keep things in context,but 7 years thats another thing

He says its him not me
Yeah feels like it

I cant live like this anymore I have had enough I want sex fgs I know its wrong to look elsewhere But I havent but I so want too
But its the Dcs

What reasons does he give for not wanting to have sex? Because he will have reasons - unfortunately it's no good asking what reasons other people have, as they will be varied: health reasons, a conviction that sex is 'disgusting', closet homosexuality, unexpressed anger at the partner, depression...

Talk to him about it. Insist that you have a discussion, and give him a chance to explain his viewpoint. If his attitude is that he doesn;t want sex and there is nothing more to say, then tell him that in this case you are no longer obliged to remain monogamous and you will seek sex elsewhere. Because when one partner refuses either to have sex or discuss the issue of the lack of sex, then the other partner is free from any obligation to remain monogamous: because he wants to be celibate doesn;t give him the right to enforce celibacy on you.

Let me get this right, you haven't had sex in 7 years or he only gets intimate with you occassionally for the last 7 years??

solid I agree
he says its because he feels overweight
He is going the gym
But still waiting here

I don`t care how big he gets
I just want it
I feel cheap and dirty saying this
BUT I WANT IT

Of course you do, you're a human being. Nothing cheap and dirty about that.

Pennytree my dp is also overweight and it has a huge impact on his libido. Has your dh had a medical lately to rule out bp probs/diabetes etc?

At least your dh is making a positive step by trying to lose the weight.

I totally understand where you are coming from though. I feel constantly rejected. When dp tells me it's nothing to do with me, I find it hard to believe.

It's getting now lack of sex is affecting a lot of our relationship and we are at breaking point.

We are at breaking point too

I am so scared i will do someting that I will regert !!

Have you told him how bad you feel? IF not, do so. If you have, then you need to set some kind of a target for him (ie that he goes to the doctor for a check up to see if there is anything that can be done to help).
While no one is entitled to insist on sex with a reluctant partner, a person who is in a relationship but refusing to engage in sex has a responsibility to his/her partner to discuss the issue and try to work out a compromise of some kind, not just to ignore the partner's unhappiness on the grounds that sex is 'unimportant' or that the partner should learn some self-control or whatever.

Solid been here and said it
He won`t

I bring it up every chance I get
he just looks at me

What am I suppose to do????????????

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you.

I know I tried to talk to my dp about it the other night and he made me feel like shit by saying I always bring it round to sex and there's other things than sex in relationships. And no way to a fb.

He just can't see how it's damaging the intimacy and communication between us.

I honestly am thinking of walking but feel bad about making him and ds sad if I do.

Frankly, tell him that as he doesn;t want to have sex you are going to look for it elsewhere, and what ground rules does he want (ie does he want you to keep your partners out of the family home, would he rather you didn't have fun with any mutual friends, etc.). Ask him whether he would, in fact, prefer to end your relationship? Some men who withold sex don't actually want to be in the relationship any more but want the wife to carry on with the domestic servicing - they are too lazy to want to move out and have to get their own meals.

Sting i am there with you

If I told dh that solid he would blame me
make everyone know it was me

He would make me pay not in a volient way but he would never let me forget
If I found it elsewhere

So why ???

Pennytree: how DARE he blame you? HE is the one damaging your marriage by completely refusing to consider your feelings.
Do you want to stay married to him? What are his good points? If you feel you 'have' to stay with him because otherwise he will say bad things about you, then maybe it's time to consider getting out, because that's not at all a healthy relationship.
As to the 'why', well, it wouldn't surprise me if, as I said, he doesn;t want to have sex with you but he wants you to carry on cooking, cleaning and looking after the children, because that's what you're 'for'.

It depends if you want to be a wife or just a friend. Yes there are other things to a relationship than sex but sex is part of a good relationship and at the moment you just have a platonic friendship. I'd rather have a bloke who had occasional 1 night stands and still slept with me and was loving towards me than a bloke who refused to sleep with me but was faithful (hopefully my bloke is neither.) What does being married to this bloke actually mean? Is this really a better life for you and the kids than if you were divorced? Usually couples with poor sex also communicate badly. He isn't considering your feelings at all, or doesn't fancy you. Neither are good news. I wouldn't have let it drag on for 7 years before giving him a "we get sex therapy or we get divorced" type ultimatum. You only get 1 life. Soon enough we're too old to want it/ get it any more.

I have tried
I have cried ,begged,not spoken

But I want it
He does`nt and can ,live without it
Its not my deciosn
But if I leave what do I say to the kids

Is that a reason to leave??????????

The whose fault it is when a marriage breaks up thing isn't a reason to stay. Very few marriage break ups are 1 sided. People don't leave happy marriages where they feel fulfilled. You can tell your friends and relatives why you left. When your kids are adults if they asked you could tell them the truth. Initially daddy and mummy don't really love each other would do, as I do believe that if a couple love each other they want to at least try to have sex to keep the relationship going.
Generally with kids I think 1 parent blaming the other is very damaging and selfish so best avoided and vague reasons given.
If you don't want to get divorced or have an affair and he won't change then you're stuck with him. Make sure he does plenty of housework and cooking in that case. If he wants to just be flatmates then 2 can play at that game.

And I wouldn't leave. I'd get a divorce and try and stay where you are with the kids, if you want a divorce. It really depends on how much you love him and believe he loves you. I think anyone deliberately witholding sex even if it's just through apathy is controlling and unloving towards their spouse.

It is a reason to leave because his behaviour is basically telling you that he doesn't care about your feelings as long as his needs (for a comfortable home and regular meals) are being met. What does living with him do for you?
You don;t need to tell the DC any more than 'Mum and Dad were unhappy living together.' His behaviour is extremely selfish and you are not unreasonable for being unhappy.