Why do you do it?

[Pennytree]

For those of you that withdraw "Intimacy" in the bedroom

Why do you do it ?

Dh has and its doing my head in and I dont know why? Its been 7 long years and i cant take anymore

So please answer why you may??

well your kids wont thank you for staying for their sakes.
they are probably already picking up on the tension and feeling insecure.
yes,its reason enough to leave ...you;ve told him how you feel and he's done nothing to make you feel better.

So how do i tell him

"I am leaving because you won`t sleep with me"

Is it the be all and end all ?

its not just the sex,itas the whole intimacy thing isn't it? its a whole paet of the relationship that is missing.

its not working

Pennytree, I might have missed it but, why do you have to leave? Why can't you ask him to leave? If you do leave, can't you take your dc's with you?

I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be very painful.

FWIW my sister is experiencing the same. She's youthful for her age and gorgeous, and he's huge and uses that as his excuse. She says to me sometimes 'I can't believe I'm never going to have sex again'. I stay quiet because its her choice.

I wish you all the best.

I know its not the be all and end all

But god I miss it

I can`t believe that ..that is it forever
No more sex

I want to sob
been here so many times with Dh
BUT THAT IT IS
No more sex

Penny, the be all and end all is that he is simply not bothered about your unhappiness and not prepared to make any effort to compromise. If you want to give it one last shot, say to him that you feel bad enough to end the marriage, and that if he will not agree to getting some sort of help then the marriage is over and he will have to move out.

Yes I love him
I wish things were different
he is agreat dad
But it all comes down to sex
And that bothers me
all the boxes are ticked except that one

solid i have said that
Believe me I have tried everything

Your story is very sad.

I think in many relationships the amount of sex is often the cause of arguments - but there is usually some.

To refuse to participate/offer sex is a huge issue. You must not let your H try and make out that there is no problem here.

One of your marriage vows is "with my body I honour you". You both promised that.

I don't know what the solution to this is, but I think you would be entirely justified if you tried to take things to the next step by suggesting separation, or if you decided to go elsewhere for sex.

However, you need to be sure that you love your H enough to stay with him and look for sex elsewhere. It seems to me that if he doesn't want to share this kind of intimacy with you, that there's not much of a relationship there - but only you can answer this.

Thankyou fou your opinions

I think its make or break time

I mean break time without him knowing or agreeing

But I can`t live like this anymore

Can he not (ahem) help you in ways that mean he doesn't have to get naked?

Sex/reproduction is one of the most powerful forces in nature. Its mean of him to deny you.

Watsthestory: but it's very hard to be emotionally fulfilled while living with someone who is not prepared to make any effort to address your utter misery about a particular issue. If (for instance) the OP was saying that her DH was lovely in every way apart from the fact that he wouldn't accept her having any kind of job because he thought she ought to find fulfilment in being a wife and mother, yet she was utterly miserable, then would you think that was worth putting up with? It's not so much about the importance or unimportance of fucking, it's about one partner deciding that the other partner's wishes are unimportant.

And the op says she loves him. What more an expression of love than to be able to make love and have your sexual desires fulfilled. Intimacy is a big part of love. The sexual act itself may not be the be all and end all. Its the intimacy. The expression of love.

On a sexual fulfillment level I know what I'd probably do, but to put it here would not be helpful.

And I am for PT. xx

Penny, if I were you I'd tell him I was going to find sexual fulfillment elsewhere and do exactly what SGB suggests.

Have you tried conselling? Really would be worth a try to explore the reasons why he is witholding sex and you would have a chance to discuss how miserable it is making you feel. It sounds as though he is being very controlling which is unreasonable. With the help of a skilled consellor you might be able to explore what is going on. Sounds like he has issues which he is projecting onto you. Sorry, probably cod psychology - but if you can get an independent mediator/counsellor as a sounding board, it could be really helpful?

I found this programme very interesting, PT. Apparently there is a chapter in this woman's book about men who've gone off sex, too.

Tried again to talk to him last night
Asked for us to go and get help
He says NO

Told him how i feel that I can`t live like this and that its not fair to expect me to

Did he want to lead seprate lifes ?

he just sat there looking at me or saying right

I know he loves me as much as he can love anyone and would be upset if we split but I can`t keep banging my head against the wall

Well if he loves you he has a funny way of showing it. His behaviour demonstrates that he thinks he is more important than you, that your misery is irrelevant to him and he is not prepared to move so much as a millimetre towards making you less miserable.
I think you should seriously consider separating - at the very least, check out all the relevant factual information such as housing, finance, custody etc so you know what your options are.
Because he is either extraordinaryily apathetic or he is deliberately stonewalling you for some reason.

He is not prepared to step outside his comfort zone in order to hang onto you. That should tell you everything you need to know.

Maybe if you do actually take some action, that will shock him into realising you are serious. You have tolerated this for 7 years, after all, so he may not believe you're capable of doing any differently.

The shock may force him to change. If not - once again, he'll be sending you a message loud and clear.

Did you listen to the programme by the way? Some interesting stuff on there which applies to your situation as well as to the reverse one.

Really sorry about your situation PT. Good luck.

What do I do ?
I love him

I mean is it the be all and end all?
Yes we could split
And I you may meet someone who is great in bed

But tick all the other boxes

my head is all over the place?

I'm in the same situation. nothing since 2000! I can't really advise you without being a steaming great hypocrite, since I have just accepted it but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

My friend says accept it and adapt to it

But I am finding that hard

All the boxes are ticked except that ONE

I can`t believe that this is it !!!
No more

I think that people must know they may guess
Its horrible

I feel bad because thats what I want and its taking over everything

IS IT THE BE ALL AND END ALL REALLY??????????

hecate how do you cope ?

I just get on with life and try not to think about it. Like you, I love him and he's great in many ways, he just doesn't want sex. I feel rejected and ugly and I wish he wanted me, but he doesn't and I don't want to leave him. I live in hope that one day, things will be different (like he promises!) like yours, he says it's not me, it's him, that he loves me etc etc. and in every other way he's so good - kind, funny, great dad, intelligent and we make a good team! that I have just accepted that this is the price I pay. Don't get me wrong, we've had other problems! But for the most part it's fine. I don't want to give up on the dream I have, even though I know it will probably stay like this. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be a single mum to 2 autistic children. I suppose really, you could say I'm scared - better the devil you know!

I can't really advise you to leave while at the same time not being prepared to do that myself, can I? although really it's the right thing to do - not because of the sex itself, but because of the way it makes us feel about ourselves.