Why do you do it?

[Pennytree]

For those of you that withdraw "Intimacy" in the bedroom

Why do you do it ?

Dh has and its doing my head in and I dont know why? Its been 7 long years and i cant take anymore

So please answer why you may??

hecate I understand completely
I need to learn to do that
Most of the time I can
But then it comes from no where and I want to scream

But Better the devil you know

have a look at this. Your partner has told you that he is not interested in doing anything about your unhappiness, so he has lost the right to expect you to just suck it up. You can basically tell him (not 'discuss it' - you've tried that and he is not listening) that you are going to be looking for sex elsewhere. And if he says that the relationship is over if you do, tell him the relationship is over anyway and what remains is to decide whether or not one of you moves out.
Because, yes, if you meet another man who is willing to have sex with you, it may turn into a 'proper relationship' to the extent that you want to leave your sexless partner. But this will not be your fault or mean you are a bad person, it will be your partner's fault for deciding unilaterally that there will be no more sex in your relationship no matter how unhappy that makes you.

Penny do you think he loves you?...have you asked him?

know this is a bit personal but does he mastubate?

penny - no you don't! That wasn't my point at all! You need to be stronger than I am and do what's needed for you to be happy. Becase no intimacy is fine if you are both happy with that, but if it makes one of you feel so miserable and worthless and just plain sad then you have the right to demand change, and if you just don't matter to them enough for them to recognise that your needs are important too - if they expect you to just live with what they want and never complain - then you have the right to say (if you have the strength) NO! That's not good enough. And take action.

I don't have the courage to take that action, and I have chosen to accept this life, I'm not saying you should do the same.

PT, have you listened to that radio programme? I think some of the things they say about sex not being just sex are very true.

He is forcing celibacy on you, potentially for the rest of your life. Is that a loving thing to do?

When i ask him does he love me
Actions speak louder
He says yes

He is good in other ways

But this celibacy is affecting everything from the minute he walks in the door I feel angry and I know he knows that
So keeps his distance

problem is also its not that easy to leave
We live abroad so to leave
I would have to ship the kids and I back to the U.K
i am SAHM already looked at maybe help/benefits I could get here to stay here
But i don`t qualify as never worked in this country

So would have to leave

So the kids would be moving from everything they know
I don`t have the backbone to do that

The problem is he is not being fair to you or taking into consideration your feelings..do you think he has some kind of sexual disfunction and is ashamed to talk about it?...do you kiss and cuddle?

No we don`t kiss and cuddle
Sometimes he will hold my hand

Its affecting everything

We don`t seem to be able to have a conversation anymore on anything

He loves me as much as he can and I feel guilty I dont find this enough I feel sorry for him as he just cant be emotianal (sp)

Wtf do i do ?
I cant leave cos of the kids I cant live like this

You need to tell him
OR LEAVE

This is destroying you - it sounds like you need to make that leap and leave, for your own sanity. You are not modelling good healthy relationships for your chid if he sees you live a hollow half-life in which the woman doesn't matter. Ending this non-relationship could be the making of you both.

it is destroying but I have no idea how to go about it
I do Love him but I cant live like this I dont know .....just because of sex is it a resaonable excuse?

my head is about to explode

the grass is not greener on the other side

How the hell do I sort this out

The grass may not be greener for most people, but let's face it, it's pretty brown and shrivelled from where you're standing. Time to look into re-turfing, I think.

Mabe Im with the wrong person.....isnt bed for sleep......no that isnt me ....I definitley get the hots when i see an old ex....yep...definitely with the wrong guy. My long standing boyfriend and i just seem to have this symbiotic realtionship and are just good friends but when i talk to other women thats all it seems to be....

God there has to be more to life.
Im going on hols soon and that seems to make me more sexually active but he is just not interested so i just go for a swim..... help!!!!

Update
I have "sort of" lined up meeting someone next weekend

I feel so guilty
I really want to go but I feel totally wrong
Its pre-mediated (sp)and now I am doubting my actions

I will have to lie where i am going
sort ds out with a babysitter which is likely to be PIls

I know what I should do and that is to cancell BUT I want to go

I am so confused and feel like a cow for doing this
Dh is being nice at the moment !!!

whatever I do I will regrett my actions

Talk me down girls
Tell me what to do ???

6 months ago I was in exactly your position . I'd hit the bottom, spent 2 years trying to figure out how I could sort this out without hurting my kids. I believe in monogamy within marriage but I never agreed to celibacy and my self esteem was at rock bottom. I also met someone else, previously a friend from work we went out on our own a few times and I knew it could be something more. after a disastrous final attempt to get dh to understand how I felt I accepted it was never going to happen. looking back I realize that was when the last bit of love died. my friend and I had a NSA agreement. the sex was fantastic but more important was the affection and fun. unfortunately I've realsed that this is not a long term solution for me. I value honesty and can't live this way. I told dh on Monday that we needed to separate and we are working on the logistcs now. the om is still around, he's turned into possibly one of my best friends but he's never made any secret that he doesn't want a committed relationship so have no idea whether will be around for much longer, but his support has allowed me to realize Im worth more than I had. it's been a hard week and will get harder as I haven't told kids yet, but I feel an overwhelming sense of relief

berries
I admire what you are doing and thanks for posting
You were right in the things that have happened
I wish you all the very best

I am going to show (d)h this thread and if he does`nt like what i have said
thats his problem

Pennytree. So sorry this is still going on. I posted earlier on your thread and had hoped things would maybe turn a corner for you.

From personal experience lining someone up will not help. It will make you feel shittier about yourself in the long run, when you are going through so much already. Put the blame onto you when it wasn't your fault in the first place.

Maybe showing your (d)h this thread possibly will be the kick up the ass he needs. I hope so. If not, move on. You have so much life and love to give.

Update

I went and met this man
I had a great time
it made me realise what i had been missing
I have seen him a several times and its great

I came home and told H it was over (not about the other man) but he says he wants to try and safe the marriage
told him it was to late
He is making a big effort and I know he is hurting
But i have switched off and feel like i have already left the relationship
I dont want h but I don^t know how to leave he wont make it easy and will try everything emiontally to stop me

Anybody???
H is really putting it on with effort
He is making it hard and doing my head in