Why do you do it?

[Pennytree]

For those of you that withdraw "Intimacy" in the bedroom

Why do you do it ?

Dh has and its doing my head in and I dont know why? Its been 7 long years and i cant take anymore

So please answer why you may??

But a couple of days / week doesnt make up for 7 years of none. A case of too little too late, and its doubtful he will continue to make a sustained effort for the rest of your lives.

A counsellor would probably reccommend he moves out and you see if you can begin a new relationship with him and see where that leads as it sounds like your old relationship has gone.

I would be asking him to move out and to go to couples counselling at teh very least

We cant afford for him to move out because of where we live he wouldnt go and speak to someone
i have begged for that in the past
NOW he says he will but does`Nt really want to
As for me I feel so
I want out
but he is going to make it hard by making me feel bad and doing this to the kids
he thinks i should forget the past and look to the future

bump

How much is the other man influencing your decision that your marriage is over?

Or has he just been the final straw?

What a bummer of a situation for you

Do you really want to end your marriage or are you just hurt?...imagine if this was the other way around ..for whatever reason would you be happy for him to leave you?..

He doesn't sound ready to change the way things are. He is saying and doing the right things but his heart isn't in it. It isn't easy to make a decision to end a marriage and change a family's life so try not to blame yourself if you decide to leave.

I have been in a similar situation except I was the one who didn't want sex. We went 10 years with only being intimate once every month or two and then 18 months without it at all when we conceived ds2. I don't know what was wrong. dh is a good husband and a great father. He would do anything I asked. Looking back I think I was depressed. I was always angry at him (for no real reason except day to day nitty gritty stuff) and let that spill over into the bedroom. He was also quite open with personal hygiene - he would cut his toenails and pick at his nose in front of me and I found this offputting.

During this time our relationship was crap. We were two people living in a house together raising 3 dc. I thought it had nothing to do with the lack of sex at all. I thought he was selfish to make a big deal of it. I told him to find someone else to do it with and he said no because he wanted to do it with me because he loves me. I asked him if he would leave me if I got cervical cancer and couldn't have sex - he would reply with "but you don't have cancer". At one point I found him registered on an online forum for sex and I was gutted. He hadn't spoken to anyone or met anyone but I felt cheated on. This was the lowest point.

I can't honestly say what made me change but over the past three or so years it has slowly turned around. I talked A LOT to other women about their dhs and found that most of the things that annoyed me about our day to day life were normal with men/couples. I told him we had a bathroom for a reason so use it to groom himself and keep the mystery alive. This helped enormously. I "made" myself be intimate with him once a month. I started taking more care of myself with hair and clothes and felt better about myself.

In the last twelve months I have separated the day to day stuff from the bedroom altogether. I looked at homemade amateur sex videos online (alone) which was a HUGE help because it was real people doing not a whole lot . I now try to think of sex with dh a few times through the day and by night time I am keen . It still isn't perfect and only a couple of times a month but it is good when it happens and I am slowly getting there. Our relationship is now so much better. I might not have understood if my dh had left me but I wouldn't have blamed him.

I have rambled on . I guess what I am trying to say is that people can change. It can come back but it has to be their decision to want it to change. It doesn't sound like your dh has reached this point yet.

I would bet any money that he is not going without it. Get spyware for your home pc -- you can download spectorpro or other programmes, or find a keylogger and install it. Go through his phone. If he's going to a gym, he might be hooking up with someone there (male or female, btw). If he is angry with you and won't give a reason, then he's hiding something, imo.

pennytree, with all these nice words from him, has he initiated sex?

being with the other man has made me realise what I am missing
Chat,laughing,feeling good about myself and sex
I know it may not last with this man BUT he has made realise what my own relationship has lacked all these years and Dh has sat by and let it happen

If dh played away I would think good there is my excuse to get out I woulod be bitter that he had made someone else feel special and it wasnt me and he had put me through"hell" these last 7 years But i think i would feel relief feel so angry and resentful of dh that now I said i am leaving and with the kdis he has decided its time for hoim to try And god he is trying he tried it on the other night and i said No (I felt I couldnt) In fact I felt tense when he went to hold my hand
i wanted to shout at him to stop trying
Crossong the line with the other man was not easy for me I thought about it alot and i knew that if i did that was the end for dh and i

But Dh is trying so hard and feels I should and I should firget the past and move on with him
I feel such a bitch becuase its to late for me
I would have be so thrilled if he had doine this even a month ago
BUT I can`t now
i want out and Dh will not let that happen without playing with my head making me feel like its all my fault and blaming (if he ever found out about the other man) that for the divorce
When in fact its him thats ignored this for so many years
I blame dh for it all and feel so bitter

is it too late for relate?

I don't understand the reason why he can't move out - ?

We live abroad so no family around
we can`t afford 2 rents

I want to move back with the kids

But he seems to think if he tries i will change my mind
Its to late for relate IYKWIM

In my heart i have left
But he is making me feel guilty by being so nice
I want to scream its to late
I do love him he is teh father of my kids
But i can`t forgive him for the last few years and now i have seen the other side
which may or may not last

I am constantly questioning myself
is it better to stay or is that the easy option and one that i will regret or go
He looks at me as if I have broken him into pieces because i told him i want out

i wish i had the strength to sort all this shit out

penny, really feel for you at the moment. it's horrible isn't it. h and I are still working on logistics. we are going to rent a small place nearby for a few months and we will take turns spending time there with children staying in family home. would this be an option for you? it means that the other place need only be big enough for one and so cheaper.
I'm going through a mix of emotions at the moment but the biggest is anger and resentment that h wouldn't make any effort until it was obvious I was going to leave. I realize how hypocritical that sounds given that the om is still around, but it's true.
we told the children what we are going to do and that was really hard but I can't go back to living the way I was before.

Berries its shit is`nt it ?
Why could they not do something when they had soooo many chances ?????

Dh has been so lovely and nice since I told him
He wants me to forget the past and move on

I have looked in to renting elsewhere for him to go BUT there is nothing we can afford
When I suggested this was what i was doing Dh looked at me with pain

Yes I think having the OM around is influencing me
I know maybe I should cut contact for a bit till its all sorted out in my head
But I am terrified of that empty lost feeling returning

I am so angry and resentful of Dh
he has had years to do all this but did`nt and know I feel it is all to late
I want to move on without him YET I feel such a bitch

I have asked him to stop making the effort its doing my head in BUT no he won`t

It would be so much easier to stay and get on with it and yes dh may never turn into the bloke he was
BUT I can`t forget the OM and how it made me feel
But I am starting to think "sack it" and stay for the dh and the dcs as leaving would destroy all 3 of them
It took Dh years to make me feel like shit and the OM makes me feel I am worth alot more
The OM feels the same

My head is spinning

Deep down i know this is all dhs fault

I have fallen big time for the OM

But i feel so for dh because I know i am really hurting him and I don`t want to

But part of me thinks sod it
He hurt me for years and nowdecides he wants to make it work !!!

WTF do I do?

If he really wants to make it work then I would advise you to give it a go. If you then leave you will know you gave it all you could.

But does he really want to? I would only say yes if he is prepared to (a) try to have sex again and (b) go for counselling. Otherwise it's all talk and all he's doing is manipulating you without making any of the changes you need.

I think he really does want to give it ago
BUT i dont anymore i have tried for years and I having nothing left for him I feel switched off to him I dont want to sleep with him (couldnt think of anything worse)

Yet i feel bad because a few months ago I would be singing from the roof tops cos of Dh being like this
Now I feel full of misery and shit when he does something or say something nice
I can`t forgive him for this mess

But has he actually initiated sex? I know you don't want it, but does he? And has he said he'll go for counselling? Saying/doing nice things is not enough.

Hi there Pennytree, just wanted to say I am in the exact situation you are (in fact what you have written sounds just like what I too have said).

We had 8 years of no sex (with every excuse under the sun from him), until last year when I told him I wanted a separation, at which point he first said that he wanted sex again then said that all the years he had spent telling it was my fault (I was too fat, smelled funny, unattractive etc) was not true. He didn't like sex, and didn't believe that he should have to emotionally support anyone else. We live in the same house now, but have our own lives. This was really the only way for us - because after all that I just didn't feel anything for him in that way anymore, and couldn't bear the thought of sex with him again - if I have to virtually threaten him into doing it then it is hardly because he really wants me is it?

If OM was not on the scene do you think you may feel differently about your DH?? I have found myself thinking this - that maybe I should stay and keep trying, which is why I am in the position I am. At the same time, I would love to leave and take the kids and can see the day when that may happen moving ever nearer. Don't hate my DH it is just very very sad.

Hmm, don't think I have really helped much. Maybe the reason you feel so bad when DH does something nice is because like me, you feel guilty??

Yes he tried to have sex BUT i said NO (last week when he started to realise I meant what I was saying)

4 weeks ago Iasked him about sex could he cope never having it again
he said he did`nt care if he never had sex again he could live without
I am th e only person he had ever slept with sober and he feels uncomfartable about it WTF we have been together for 14 years
I said i could``nt and who would blame me for finding it elsewhere
he just looked at me
I knew I was on the verge of playing away and i wanted to give him and I last chance BUT he missed it all together

I feel guilty cos I know he means what he is saying
i feel guilty because I feel i will be destroying his life and taking the dcs away from him
I feel guilty as I feel i am being selfish
I feel guilty cos I don`t feel anything anymore

The only thing I don`t feel about is the OM

I mean i dont feel guilty about the OM

pennytree, try not to feel too guilty, although I know that's easier said than done. I feel guilty about a lot of things, primarily the kids, but I don't feel guilty about om. I told h that I didn't want to be chatted up by other men, I wanted it to be him. I really laid my heart out and he just dismissed it. he made me feel like he didn't believe anyone else would want me. the last bit of love died then. he has tried once he could see what was happening but I just don't feel anything back any more. suspect om won't be around much longer, but realized would rather be on my own and living my life. know it's not going to be easy but know am strong enough to do it. good luck

(d)h has spent the last 3 weeks doing his very best to try and save the relationship
I have found it awkward and feel like a cold bitch as I am not interested anymore

Anyway he has been away with work and it was great to be just the kids and I
so when he came back home I told him i meant what i have said "its over"
"I can`t live like this etc etc"

He does^Nt understand how i can "suddenly" feel like this and brought up the kids etc etc
I have`nt suddenly felt like this I have tried for years to stop this from happening he chose to stick his head in the sand and pretend its not happening

I can`t control how i feel
Its all to late for him and I
But the way he was this morning and how upset he was last night
I feel so bad

As I know things will get harder if keep saying no
Last night was the easy bit
I don`t know if i have the strength to go through with this
I feel guilty towards the kids (and for some reason Dh !!!)

I want to be elsewhere
I have fallen for the OM

its a mess

Pennytree, I really feel for you. This time last year I could have written your OP. Ex H & I hardly had sex in 8 years and last year I almost had an affair with a friend (I would have gone through with it but he didn't want to get involved!)

For the last 6 months of our marraige I had to almost switch off my feelings towards H, it was the only way I could cope with the constant rejection and feelings of being ugly/worthless/less than a person....

Anyway, in January I told him I wanted us to seperate and although this year has been one of the toughest emotionally, financially etc, I am glad I finally bit the bullet and made the choice to end things. Now at least, I am trying to live on my own terms and am not trying to fit in with anyone else's wishes.

You sound utterly confused. Would you consider some time away from the OM just to give yourself the emotional space to deal with the situation with your H? You need a clear head in order to make choices.

When exH and I decided to seperate I went through the feelings of guilt and questioning myself too, I think because we had reached a decision a lot of the tension was gone and for a while we got on really well as friends. It made me wonder if I was doing the right thing. I just kept telling myself that we were the same people and that nothing had changed.

Incidentally, ExH has since had counselling and discovered that he has a pattern of emotionally distancing himself from partners once he falls in love with them due to his mum leaving the family when he was little.

A sorry, I've rambled on a lot. Don't know if it helps! I still feel like a reject, I have had a couple of casual partners since ending the marraige but at the back of my mind I feel like they will stop wanting me too. I'm in no way ready for another relationship till I can sort out my own feelings of self worth (or lack thereof!)

Hope you are ok....

I feel trapped
I can`t breath

The long and short of it is H nows realises what he is about to loose and is getting help (he is blaming his childhood and does`nt know who he has been for the last 7 years)
He wants me to give him another go
He looks lost and makes me feel wrong for wanting out

I went home this school break with the Dcs and told my parents that we had split up but we are living in the same house
they hit the roof and told me to give it ago NOW that he is getting help he is doing what i have wanted for years so try and do I realise I have two kids???? WTF
I am being selfish ,a joke they said

I could`nt wait to get back home as I feel so let down by them

asked h to move out and he would`nt as he wants me to see him in a new light and show me what he can be

I have looked into costs of renting elsewhere and we cant afford I cant get a job here as i don`t speak the lingo plus everything is full time etc etc
I have tried
But we have no support here so what about the kids etc etc

I am no longer in love with H I do not respect or forgive him for what he has done to me
He does`nt understand that i can feel that way as his family now how much i mean to him
the only person he forgot to tell/show was me

The OM still rings texts etc etc and it gets me through the day

I want all this shit to end
My head hurts my chest is tight
I can`t think straight anymore
I just wish I could STOP it all
I want my life back and I feel everybody is controling it for me and I will pay the price somewhere along the line for doing the wrong thing
I stay
I go
Its a fucking mess