Can't deal with the drinking.

[ErikaMaye]

I adore my DP. He is the most wonderful, caring, loving person I have ever met, and being nearly six months pregnant with his child, I can't think of anyone else I would want to be in this situation with. He takes care of my when my illnesses are flaring up, makes me laugh, listens to me when I'm stressed, calms me down if I'm having a freak out... Some of the things he's done to help me, even before we got together, go totally and utterly beyond the call of duty. I've never been happier.

But this weekend he's been through two bottles of wine a night, and although its not the first time, I'm really struggling. He has anorexia, and used to self harm, and when he's drinking it all comes back to the surface. Last night I was woken up by him crying, and I had to take the knife off him while he sobbed, "Please just one cut." Its so painful for me to witness. He's had SUCH a hard week, and he's angry with himself because he slipped up trying to gain weight, so I'm trying to put some of it down to that. But I've been up for hours now, worried about dropping off to sleep in case he has a funny turn and doesn't wake me up - if he's sober he'll wake me if he needs to so we can talk about things, same as I do to him, but I can't guarantee he'll do that currently.

I love him so much, but its just so painful to witness him torturing himself. He's trying so hard, and done so well - hasn't hurt himself since we found out we were expecting (whereas I've slipped up twice), has gained weight voluntarily, and has cut down hugely on the tobacco and weed that he was smoking. He still takes vallium a lot, but I don't resent this as I know his anxiety is just too much sometimes to deal with.

I don't know what to do - because he's done so much for me and the baby already, I feel terrible even considering having a chat with him about the drinking. And a part of me is also sickly thinking about the calories he's at least consuming from the drink, and from the food he'll snack on if he's drunk. I just don't know. When I tell him in the morning - he'll be up in 20mins for work - how much he worried me, like I did yesterday, he'll be horrified and apologise, but I just can't deal with it at times. Please someone give me some advice.

if a friend described this scenario to you

"your 18 year old, heavily pregnant girlfriend, who has problems herself had to drag a knife off you whislt oyu were insensible with drink , threatening to cut yourself"

what would your response be? what would you thikn of the man doing that?

I'm with you, oh Lemony one.

And if it's not a wind up, I am really, really concerned that TJK seems unable unwilling to walk away. If I had a catalogue of mental health issues, I am sure that this thread would be doing nothing but increasing my anxiety.

whoisasking my sentiments exactly....

TJK: well done to you for taking the steps you have already taken. But I think what is worrying posters here is your current confidence that everything is OK and you're on top of it all. People on the outside of mental health problems looking in, so to speak, see this kind of certitude frequently alternate with relapses like the one you had the other week (apparently brought on by a scenario most would find less stressful than having a newborn baby around). So people continue to express their misgivings about your situation. You read this as condemnation; it's not, actually, although your overly defensive responses are provoking that now. Do you never continue to worry about people you care about even when they reassure you that everything is OK?

You both sound completely and utterly dependent on each other. Both of you are leaning on each other in an unhealthy and enabling way.

I still believe that regardless of your protestations to the contrary.

To bring a child into this situation when both of you have profound mental health problems, what on earth were you both thinking?. You were both utterly selfish and irresponsible. Its the unborn child I feel the most sorry for in all this.

fluffyanimal - Thank you for your post. But nobody has said that. I've never once said that anything I do or have done is my DP's responsibility, of course it isn't. I do my best to look after her, if anything. And for the most part I do pretty well I hope. And I will do the same for my child, obviously. Doesn't that count for anything?

Dammit, I'm trying. But all I get here is blame and insults. It's hurtful. I fully understand people's concern and I would probably feel the same if someone didn't know me. But I'm pretty capable - I've a complex job, my own flat and enough money coming in to look after and care for not only my girlfriend but a baby too.
I could just do without the vitriol when I'm trying to do my best and do what is right.

Yes, I made a mistake by posting in this thread in the first place when I had no right and I've apologised for that, both to my DP and members here. But the level of vitriol I've gotten since seems so over the top that I felt the need to defend myself.

AttilaTheMeerkat - It wasn't the plan to have a baby, you know. I had the same concerns you have when it happened. But I've come to believe we can do this, regardless of what you all think of us. You wouldn't be the first to say what you have but both sets of our parents are being very supportive and positive about it, as are social services. I was hoping for a little of that here, I guess.

And yes, you mentioned "selfish" and "irresponsible" before. No need to repeat yourself - I get your point of view.

its turned into a bit of a vicious circle this thread, your protestations are provoking the ire of the posters and so on.

I can see why you are upset by this but you care too much what we think, it doesn't matter - only you and your gf know the reality of the situation - our perception has been coloured by erika's opening posts.

Please change your name and start again - you will find support here but you need to temper the arrogance that is coming across in your posts.

TJK - I think you may be better off posting in the mental health section, seriously.

You are not being subjected to any vitriol - that's just how you are perceiving it.

mrsboogie - point taken. But I'm curious about the "arrogance". When have I done that?

Tabor, I think that you should listen to Attila and Reality. 'This' is no longer about you, your girlfriend and your combined issues. It's about the child that you are going to have.

I suggest that both of you should do what reality advised - pull your socks up. And turn off the computer.

Aw, let's go back to that old favourite analogy of the pub shall we?

So, a girl comes into the pub, asking for help from the people sat at the bar. Her story is pretty shocking, and certainly distressing, and the advice given to her, in the main, is that she really needs to make sure she gets lots of support. Her Partner then runs into the pub shrieking at everyone, swearing and name calling and the couple both leave.

HE then returns saying "yeah, sorry about that, but we're fine really" and then says "Christ, the toilets stink in here, what a dreadful awful place, and you're all awful too"

The clincher is that he doesn't then LEAVE, but keeps sticking his head back into the bar shouting that he is misunderstood.

"Tabor, I think that you should listen to Attila and Reality. 'This' is no longer about you, your girlfriend and your combined issues. It's about the child that you are going to have."

I couldn't agree more (I've never thought otherwise). We've been operating on that motive since the beginning. Problem is, I just had a bad week.

But point taken. It's curious, aside from this last week, I've found many other aspects of my life that would have been harder to deal with to be a lot easier. Is this normal?

well, there was a very arrogant tone in your early posts (probably defensiveness, I realise) and you keep coming across like you know best and all of the advice on here is misguided and being offered with malintent (is that a real word?). You won't seem to listen to what you perceive to be unwarranted criticism from an anti-male perspective and you are most inistent that we "take back" the bad things we have said about you. Just comes across as arrogant. If you come on here for advice you have to give the impression that you might be prepared to take on board what people say or else what is the point?

Try the mental health threads, really. People may not mince their words on here but there is a wealth of accumulated wealth and wisdom.

wealth? I meant experience.

You are not trying your just saying what your DP wants to hear.

If you realy want try then go to your doctor and tell them the truth about your self harming be by cutting,drinking or taking illegal drugs. Be a MAN and ask for help your 33yrs old and you are still not taking responsibilty for your probelms.

But this is advice so you wont take it you will just find some way to justify your behaviour.

If you realy want advice from me it would be.

Erika goes back to her family and has the help she needs for her mental issues.

And has the baby without you being a 'partner' but just a 'father'.

You get help by yourself with your doctor and concentrate on your issues.

Stop being a relationship while you are both having issues. Neither of you are in place at the moment where you can be.

None of this stops you from being parents but give you the space to get better.

TJK - when have your posts been arrogant? Almost all the time I'm afraid, though it's probably unwitting . But that I fear is just illustrative of the core problem that you are having a hard time seeing yourself from the outside. I think you need to take some long time out from this thread to regain perspective and reread it again in a few weeks to see if you still feel the same. You might well shock yourself. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Of course, we can only see you from the outside and the reality is probably somewhere in the middle. But you seem so unwilling to try to envisage that middle ground that you are not helping people to meet you there.

lizziemum - "You are not trying your just saying what your DP wants to hear." Rot. I've never lied to her. If I've been having problems, I've told her, always. You can ask her yourself.

I justify nothing about my behaviour. I know it looks bad, really I do. But (and I repeat) I've not SI'd for almost a year. I've been drinking more than I should this last week, yep - admit that. And I'm recovering from anorexia. Freely admit that too. Not justifying it, but certainly admitting it. I'm not making excuses for that or anything.

Erika will be staying with her folks initially anyway, as my flat is too small for a baby as well. I want her to have the support network of her parents around to begin with anyway. I suggested it myself. I will be staying with her for the first month to help out and also get some "baby practice" (and bonding) myself anyway.

fluffyanimal - if you say so, although I can't see it. But I guess you knew that.

fluffyanimal - What would be the middle ground?

good luck to both of you.

Read your post you are just justifing your behaviour.

'I justify nothing about my behaviour. I know it looks bad, really I do. But (and I repeat) I've not SI'd for almost a year. I've been drinking more than I should this last week, yep - admit that. And I'm recovering from anorexia. Freely admit that too. Not justifying it, but certainly admitting it. I'm not making excuses for that or anything.'

GO AND GET HELP THEN.

Right i am not posting again because you will not listen to anything or anyone.

Have a great life (and ruin your GF and child Life) by continuing to drink to much, threaten to hurt your self (or much worse your GF or child) when drunk and/or high on illegal drugs when you can not cope with a Very Tired GF and/or screaming baby/tatuming child. I'm sure all your WORDS and PROMISES will solve all the things in the last 20 plus years they haven't.

And yes I am being a bitch, but that because you are a selfish bastard who is so wrapped in himself and his probelms can not or will not do anything about it.

Feel free to report this post if it to close to the truth for you to cope with.

Erika I hope once you have your baby and are with your family and getting help and support for your issues you can see him for what he is.

Your Just proved that you are not prepared to get help for yourself or for Erika or your baby.

I have not said anything that everyone else has said.