Can't deal with the drinking.

[ErikaMaye]

I adore my DP. He is the most wonderful, caring, loving person I have ever met, and being nearly six months pregnant with his child, I can't think of anyone else I would want to be in this situation with. He takes care of my when my illnesses are flaring up, makes me laugh, listens to me when I'm stressed, calms me down if I'm having a freak out... Some of the things he's done to help me, even before we got together, go totally and utterly beyond the call of duty. I've never been happier.

But this weekend he's been through two bottles of wine a night, and although its not the first time, I'm really struggling. He has anorexia, and used to self harm, and when he's drinking it all comes back to the surface. Last night I was woken up by him crying, and I had to take the knife off him while he sobbed, "Please just one cut." Its so painful for me to witness. He's had SUCH a hard week, and he's angry with himself because he slipped up trying to gain weight, so I'm trying to put some of it down to that. But I've been up for hours now, worried about dropping off to sleep in case he has a funny turn and doesn't wake me up - if he's sober he'll wake me if he needs to so we can talk about things, same as I do to him, but I can't guarantee he'll do that currently.

I love him so much, but its just so painful to witness him torturing himself. He's trying so hard, and done so well - hasn't hurt himself since we found out we were expecting (whereas I've slipped up twice), has gained weight voluntarily, and has cut down hugely on the tobacco and weed that he was smoking. He still takes vallium a lot, but I don't resent this as I know his anxiety is just too much sometimes to deal with.

I don't know what to do - because he's done so much for me and the baby already, I feel terrible even considering having a chat with him about the drinking. And a part of me is also sickly thinking about the calories he's at least consuming from the drink, and from the food he'll snack on if he's drunk. I just don't know. When I tell him in the morning - he'll be up in 20mins for work - how much he worried me, like I did yesterday, he'll be horrified and apologise, but I just can't deal with it at times. Please someone give me some advice.

oh erikamaye he isn't managing any of it, that's the thing. I can see why sitting in group therapy with a load of teenage girls talking about anorexia would not appeal BUT there may be other ways he can get help.

I have just googled men and eating disorders and found this He won't by any means be the only man with these problems.

It is not realistic, as you seem to realise, for him to plan to give up his drinking and smoking etc after the baby is born. If he meant it he would do it now - that baby exists now.

If this is too much for you now erika it is going to be much harder after the baby comes, everything is even for women who have everything sussed in their lives. You need to get things sorted now - try to get help wherever you can.

He is an adult, he is jointly responsible for that baby and by extension for your welfare while pregnant. You do not need another baby to worry about.

I just want to cry. He's trying so damn hard, and I'm so proud of him. But the way he's trying to make it easier on himself is making it harder on me. During the day, and the early evening, when he's not drinking, he's the sweetest, most adoring man on the planet.

Even when he's not being too self-destructive, seeing him staggering around is painful. I wondered earlier whether part of it was almost jealousy because I can't drink right now... But I think I'm just trying to justify it.

I love him so much but its so painful to witness.

Thank you for the link, I've contacted a group based in Crawley, which seems to be the closest support group around here.

How is today, Erika?
I think you really need to start thinking of some ultimatums. He can't do this without serious professional health. I would not have a drink/drugs user around my child. However "lovely". You need to decide where you stand on this particular issue.

Hello Erika. I am married to an alcoholic in his mid thirties. He has been 'going to stop drinking next week / next month / next birthday' for the last 10 years. Of course, when I fell pregnant last year, he said the exact same words your DP did: "You know I won't be drinking when the baby's here don't you?"

Our DD is now 10 months old and my DH is still drinking.

Alcoholics cannot give up drinking for anyone else - not even for the love of their life (you) or their own child. They can only do it for themselves.

It is obvious that you really love your DP even though his problems are clear to you. I understand that - I have been with my DH for 18 years, 13 of them with his alcoholism, and I still love him. He's a wonderful man apart from his drinking. But as mothers, our priority is our children. The advice from another poster to stay under the protection and support of your parents' home is good - this is clearly the best place for your baby (and you!) for the forseeable future.

You cannot change his behaviour. It's positive that he is open with you about his other problems, and maybe in time he will be open about his drinking problem too (although it sounds like he is still in denial from what you have said). But there isn't much you can do except protect yourself and your child. He has to want to stop drinking for himself. And it's clear that your DP has a plethora of other difficulties to deal with too - from what you say, it sounds like he is using drinking to try and solve some of his other problems - but I'm sure you can see that he is only replacing one crutch with another.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. And I sincerely hope you don't have to witness him getting drunk every night for as many years as I have witnessed mine.

Thanks guys...

We had another big chat last night, and he honestly seemed shocked when I told him that he was drinking more in one night than is recommended in a week. He apologised for how he's been this week, and when he came home from work it was with a bunch of sunflowers, a box of chocolates and a bottle of Rose for me. Then I felt slightly guilty for everything I've said on here because he really is everything I could have ever hoped for.

Thing is - I knew about the drug use (though admittedly not the cannabis) and the mental health concerns when we got together. So can I really now complain about it? Seems very unfair of me.

I know how hard he's trying, and I know how hard it is to recover from anorexia, it took me years, and even now its not totally gone. Part of the mindset is that you're convinced you're still in control of it, whereas by that point its in control of you. So I think part of the drinking is to block it all out. I'm hoping that once the stress of his mother coming down this weekend is out of the way he'll calm down slightly - he panics as much as I do, hence the vallium.

I'm really so confused by what he's doing - does the amount he's drinking make him an alcoholic?

He seems so excited about becoming a Dad at times, and at others can't stand to talk about it because he's so scared, and although I totally understand that, as I range between the two extremes myself, it upsets me.

Its the whole change and stress hanging over his head. Is there any chance this could just be a temporary thing?

The list of ED support groups I made for him keeps being glanced at when he thinks I'm not looking, so it appears he's thinking of it

Hi again.

Why is he bringing you alcohol ('bottle of Rose') while you are pregnant??? And I have to add to that, my DH often tries to justify his own drinking by trying to get me to drink with him - this makes it more acceptable for him. However, his drinking has over the years completely ruined my own taste for alcohol so I am pretty much tee-total now - completely so since being pregnant and I'm still breast feeding.

It's difficult to say whether your DP is alcoholic or not - depends how long he's been drinking like this, how often, how he feels when he doesn't drink ... it does sound as though he might have an addictive personality though, and if he isn't already an alcoholic, he is on the road to it with his drinking to 'block out' other problems. This is what alcoholics do.

If he hasn't got used to the idea of becoming a dad yet (did you say you were 6 months pg?) he needs to buck up his ideas, fast. Even if he feels that way inside (I'm sure all first time parents do) he should at least try to be strong for you. After all, you're a lot younger than he is and you're the one whose actually having the baby. I'm appalled by the idea that sometimes he 'can't stand to talk about it [the baby] because he's so scared'. What exactly is he giving you in this relationship? Or is it all giving on your part?

Please don't feel guilty for posting on here about your feelings, even when you're angry and don't feel so strongly the next day. It doesn't matter what you say on here - you will find support, for YOURSELF. Mumsnetting is about YOU, not him. IYSWIM! So keep posting Erika.

ineedaifelaundry is very correct erika you must keep posting - sometimes when you are in the midst if a difficult situation it is hard to get perspective on the rights and wrongs of it and that is why a lot of women post on here; to get an objective view of their situation.

Don't fee guilty about what you have said - you have not said anything about him that you should regret saying and if any of it refects badly on him that goes to show that he must do something about it.

It doesn't really matter whether or not he is an alcoholic - he has a dysfunctional relationship with booze and that needs addressing, as do his other problems. Two bottles of wine a night is drinking at alcoholic levels.

give him time to make the decision to join and ED support group - you can't push him into it. BUT you must start making your own contingency plans for yourself and the baby if he does not take action to get better. I am sorry to labour the point but if visits from his mum and you beig regnant are enough to send him into this state then the reaity of a real live screaming dependant baby will make him even worse.

You don't have much time to get your head sorted erika The problem sometimes with people who are mentally ill is that they are fixated on themselves and cannot see how their behaviour affects those around them. He needs to understand and accept the new reality.

well excuse me but she announced she was pregnant and didn't give you any choice in the matter? stole a semen sample when you were passed out did she? if you don't want to get year 18 yr old gf of five weeks pregnant you make damn sure you are protected don't you? Especially if you both have mental issues.

No-one has said A WORD about men in the terms you describe, they were merely being supportive of someone based on the information she provided.

What else would you have us do? mind our own business? it's a forum for public discussion and advice...

She thought she was protected and I took her at her word. Foolish in retrospect, but there you go.

"I adore my DP. He is the most wonderful, caring, loving person I have ever met, and being nearly six months pregnant with his child, I can't think of anyone else I would want to be in this situation with. He takes care of my when my illnesses are flaring up, makes me laugh, listens to me when I'm stressed, calms me down if I'm having a freak out... Some of the things he's done to help me, even before we got together, go totally and utterly beyond the call of duty. I've never been happier."

missed the above (and the rest) did you?

Anyway, I'm out of here - men clearly have no place here anyway.

mrsboogie - not at all. However, I also didn't miss the responses either.

lots of men post here - one even posted on this thread. despite what you think now it is a great place to get help and advice. You could do worse than having a look around.

TaborJeanKhan Don't be so pathetic. You're ill, your gf is ill. Don't come on here abusing people who have been trying to give your gf some advice. Nobody has flamed you, or her, for that matter. The majority of us are parents and know how very, very difficult it is dealing with a newborn. Some of us have had babies when we were very young, and some of us while we were on our own.

If you're 33, then you really should be old enough to take some responsibility for your mental health and I for one, am very glad that SS are involved.

You're 33 and old enough to know you should use contraception when you dip your wick. You're also old enough to know what happens when you don't use contraception. You're also old enough to take responsibility for what happens.....

There is no advice for us - we're just expected to suck it up and be strong. Hell, perhaps we should.

I am really, really uncomfortable about this thread - someone's partner posting (I am assuming this is genuine) in such a nasty, judgemental tone about their pregnant girlfriend of 18 and feeling it's acceptable to have a bitter, painful row in a public forum ?

I'm afraid the DP's posts sound controlling ('allowing' her a glass of wine) and somewhat threatening and insulting. All this might be a reflection of mental health issues, I don't know.

But it's not good

TKJ. You're 33 years old and you're going to be a Dad. Stop with the odious self pity, stop having a go at your poor girlfriend and go get some help.

Lemonylemon - thanks, that's pretty much the kind of responses I expected.

We've talked to social services. They're not worried. Erika is free to walk away from me anytime she likes if she feels I'm a risk.

Looks like mistakes are never forgiven regardless of doing the right thing for the ones I love. Thank you so much for that.

I agree tiktok. What a sad and distressing situation.

OP, I hope you are getting support.

Janos - yeah I'm a bad person, apparently. Cheers.

Anyway, this is Erika's place. I won't intrude again.

TJK - those are excactly the responses you deserve.

I have contacted MN and alerted them to this thread as it's very concerning.

You said it TJK, not me.

Erika - does he always address you in such a manner?. It is all too clear that your partner has serious issues and seems all too quick to blame others. He comes across as totally selfish, self absorbed and unfeeling which is not surprising given his myriad of serious issues. You are each others' emotional crutches to lean on and enable.

Neither of you are "ready" to be parents and this is certainly no relationship to be bringing a child into either.

Erika, I have a feeling you'll be bringing up this child on your own longer term. You're going to need a lot of support.

You probably think that all the above is very harsh but life is going to hit you right between the eyes particularly when your child is here.

Atilla, well said. I am glad Erika's parents are around.

I am glad mumsnet is going to take a look at this thread.

Erika, you will need a new user name if you come back again...I am worried that you will not have a safe haven to post and share.

There are so many red flags here, in Erika and her DP's posts.

Even the effusive love stuff about how wonderful her partner is just sits so ill now we have seen how he 'talks'.