Can't deal with the drinking.

[ErikaMaye]

I adore my DP. He is the most wonderful, caring, loving person I have ever met, and being nearly six months pregnant with his child, I can't think of anyone else I would want to be in this situation with. He takes care of my when my illnesses are flaring up, makes me laugh, listens to me when I'm stressed, calms me down if I'm having a freak out... Some of the things he's done to help me, even before we got together, go totally and utterly beyond the call of duty. I've never been happier.

But this weekend he's been through two bottles of wine a night, and although its not the first time, I'm really struggling. He has anorexia, and used to self harm, and when he's drinking it all comes back to the surface. Last night I was woken up by him crying, and I had to take the knife off him while he sobbed, "Please just one cut." Its so painful for me to witness. He's had SUCH a hard week, and he's angry with himself because he slipped up trying to gain weight, so I'm trying to put some of it down to that. But I've been up for hours now, worried about dropping off to sleep in case he has a funny turn and doesn't wake me up - if he's sober he'll wake me if he needs to so we can talk about things, same as I do to him, but I can't guarantee he'll do that currently.

I love him so much, but its just so painful to witness him torturing himself. He's trying so hard, and done so well - hasn't hurt himself since we found out we were expecting (whereas I've slipped up twice), has gained weight voluntarily, and has cut down hugely on the tobacco and weed that he was smoking. He still takes vallium a lot, but I don't resent this as I know his anxiety is just too much sometimes to deal with.

I don't know what to do - because he's done so much for me and the baby already, I feel terrible even considering having a chat with him about the drinking. And a part of me is also sickly thinking about the calories he's at least consuming from the drink, and from the food he'll snack on if he's drunk. I just don't know. When I tell him in the morning - he'll be up in 20mins for work - how much he worried me, like I did yesterday, he'll be horrified and apologise, but I just can't deal with it at times. Please someone give me some advice.

TJK if you don't like my response, then don't come on your gf's thread with a menacing tone. I have not said anything that you don't already know. And really, you are self-absorbed. People have babies all the time - get used to it. If you can't then go and get some advice about being a parent yourself. You think you're the first person this has happened to? Well, you're not.

And, I really don't like your tone when you address Erika. You really shouldn't be feeling so threatened. Most men are over the moon about being a father, if scared - they don't abuse people who are trying to give advice.

'You vicious, unfeeling bitches. I've given my life to Erika and this is the shit I get?'

Nobody is giving you shit. No one was talking to you. As MrsBoogie says, we are offering support and advice to the OP based on the information given.

I can however understand your anger - not pleasant to have your behaviour analysed by people who don't know you. Maybe you should allow what Erika does privately online to remain that - private. My DH complains all the time about how much time I spend on mumsnet - and I'm sure he knows I've talked about him on here - but he wouldn't dream of snooping into it. As you said, it's good for Erika to have someone else to talk to. And better for her to do that on here rather than lay all the worst aspects of your situation bare to people who actually know you in RL.

I'm confused as to who exactly you are angry with however - if it's us respondees - fine. We can take it. But Erika has been incredibly supportive and lovely about you on here. And you have snooped into her private conversation. Don't take it out on her.

Nope - you're all correct. It was out of line for me to come on here and invade me DP's space. Report me to MN.

For what it's worth, I'm not a bad person. Although, I can see how that would ring hollow now.

Can I delete my account and let me DP be?

Hang on a minute lemony.

The OP told us that both she and her partner have a history of mental health problems, including self harm, eating disorders and anxiety/panic attacks.

I know he is older, and I dont think his "spying" on mn was a good move, but they are both struggling here.

It is unlikely that the OP will be back if all the advice she gets is to leave/ that he is a waste of space etc. She clearly doesnt think so, and they both need support.

It's okay - I'm going. My sincerest apologies to my beloved DP and to all of you. xx

Sorry, unavailable, what have I said that I "need to hang on a minute" for?

Read my previous post to the one above and you'll see that I have addressed the mental health issues. I know they are struggling, but it's the way he has addressed both people trying to help Erika and Erika herself. I didn't go on the attack until TJK addressed me - and at the end of the day, I haven't really attacked him either.

she wasn't ever told he was a waste of space, she was advised to stay in the security of her parents home until he had addressed his problems, to put her own welfare and that of her baby's first if he wasn't able to, and to try to get him to get help for his problems.

Lemony - You posted that he was self absorbed and not the first person to be a parent. i felt that those points ignored the fact that he is struggling with (what sounds like quite severe) emotional and mental health issues.

I didnt mean to offend you with the "hang on a minute", so sorry if I did.

The volatilty of TJK's responses is actually controlling and frightening - viciousness, nastiness and sanctimoniousness followed by apologies and remorse.

Clearly this is more likely to be a reflection of the mental health situation than anything else, but it doesn't make it any less easy to cope with or live with.

This does not appear to be a good environment for a vulnerable pregnant young woman or her baby, with issues of her own.

See you on Jeremy Kyle. Not helpful I know.

I'd be terrified of him with the viciousness with which he responded. OP never said one bad thing about him and nobody said one bad thing about him until he came on here himself and was a bastard to everybody.

You both have issues and you both need to get your head out of the sand and get your arses in action because you have a child coming soon and will have to deal with that on top of everything else! Get your arses moving because this baby is the issue here and will likely get taken away from you if you keep acting like you are here! Do something with yourselves for the sake of the baby, who has never done a thing wrong and deserves the best in life.

Very very worried for you Erika.

((((())))) as if that will help. I hope in some guise, you will continue to let us help and see your "partner" for who he really is.

Look after you and the little one.

Erika: please access and use all the RL support you can, including maybe some counselling about why you chose this man as a partner in the first place. And do keep posting on MN, there is lots of support and advice here even if some of it isa bit robust. You are 18, pregnant and saddled with a 33-year-old self-obsessed parasite. Men like him often target younger women, preferably insecure unhappy ones who are easier to convince that such men's self-pity and inadequacy is a sign that they are romantic and misunderstood.
Your priorities now have to be your own wellbeing and that of your baby, the man can sink or swim by his own efforts. He is an adult, there is support available for him, and it is not your job to look after him at the expense of your own wellbeing.
You might find that your illnesses get a bit better when you get a bit of space from him, as well.

Well said SGB.

SGB - one of the best posts I've seen you write (and I read them with some interest!).

Thinking of you, Erika.

DP here again. I've signed up officially simply because - if else - I've realised I'm going to need advice and help from parents in-the-know as much as anyone else.

I apologise for my outburst last week. I don't know what possessed me really. There have been a lot of hurtful comments made about me on account of that and I make no excuses. What I will say is that I love Erika very much, I plan to be a good father and partner and the fact that anyone thinks that I could be anything less based on one post I made in anger I am deeply saddened about and says far more about the mindset of some members here than it does about me.

Erika is considering leaving based on the condemnatory attitude and stated hopes expressed by some that our baby will be taken away because of the stigma attached to our mental health and appalling suggestion that she is somehow at fault for choosing me as a partner. Wouldn't be the first time, that that was far more out of line than anything I expressed. But hey - wouldn't be the first time we've encountered this kind of prejudice and judgement.

I am attempting to encourage her to stay because the advice here will be invaluable in future for us both being first-time parents. This is - obviously - partly my fault for posting as I did in the first place and I fully accept that.

But please, please be in no doubt that I didn't take advantage of her or anything like that. We met up to start with because I wanted to help her and look after her. She has a mind of her own and I'm just not charismatic enough to hypnotise someone (especially someone as strong-minded as Erika into being with me against her better judgement) and it simply progressed from there. I don't hold out much hope of changing anybody's mind, but it does seem a little unfair to label me a "self-obsessed parasite" who specifically targets young girls for some horrifically implied sick reason. I don't see why I should have explain myself but before I met Erika, I hadn't dated for seven years at all because frankly, I wasn't all that interested in dating. This isn't the first time we've encountered prejudice based on our age difference and the stigma attached to mental health and I doubt it will be the last, but it is upsetting all the same, especially on a site that is supposedly here to help those in need - even "parasitic, controlling, self-obsessed" bastards such as myself.

Anyhow - that's what I have to say. Believe me or not, that is your right. I am staying with Erika for the first month after the birth as I have paternity leave for that time (at full pay - thanks boss!) so we can both get up to speed and I can help out with the feedings, changings and such and Erika can rest and get used to things before I have to go back to work.

Anyway, that's it. I hope Erika stays but if not we'll get our parenting advice elsewhere as we're staying together and raising our child, with or without your help.

To be honest, while I think most people on this thread would hope things work out for all of you, there's very little in your post that is reassuring, Arashi.

You are clearly some way off accepting the revealing reality of what happened in your posts at the end of last week.

And while obviously no one here can know the full story, your post today in its style and its content, is a 'warning flag'.

I don't understand. What "warning flag"? It was one post. Doesn't loosing my temper online once make me a hugely bad person? I've been given the all clear from social services (as has Erika), we've had exactly three arguments in six months and I look after her in everyway that I can think of.

What have I missed? If you explain it to me, perhaps I can be more forthcoming or attempt to explain myself better.

you seem determined to focus only on the negative aspects of the replies to erika's original post. I didn't see anywhere the hope expressed that your baby would be taken away. Yes, there were some very uncomplimentary things said about you and your behaviour but you weren't meant to be reading them.

I can only speak for myself but the strenght of feeling expressed is at least in part due to the fact that we know how difficult life can be in the first few months after a baby comes. I have a ten month old, it can put a strain on the healthiest of relationships and requires a massive adjustment.

We were trying to get across to erika how absolutely crucial it is that you are both in the best place you can be, mentally. And if you are to willing to seek help for your problems she must protect herself from situations like the one where she had to take a knife from you in the middle of the night. That is not a scenario a pregnant woman needs to be part of. Can you not understand why we were horrified?

I notice that in your posts you haven't denied any of the things erika said about you. That's something I suppose. I hope you both do continue to use mumsnet - it is a fantastic resource for help and advice. But most of all I hope you understand that the best thing you can do for your child is to get the help you need for your problems now.

Arashi - In your second paragraph you state you make 'no excuses' for the posts you made (there were several, not 'one' and minimising your unpleasant posts is a warning in itself).

You then go on to systematically water down that 'apology', by pointing at the 'mindset' of the people who responded, accusing people of prejudice, of unfairness, saying you don't see why you should explain yourself, with the parting shot of 'with or without your help'.

As I say, neither style or content is reassuring.

"We were trying to get across to erika how absolutely crucial it is that you are both in the best place you can be, mentally."

I fully agree.

"And if you are to willing to seek help for your problems she must protect herself from situations like the one where she had to take a knife from you in the middle of the night. That is not a scenario a pregnant woman needs to be part of. Can you not understand why we were horrified?"

Indeed I can - but that has never happened before (ever) and wouldn't happen again. I was upset and haven't self-harmed for nearly a year (actually a year on Novemever 26th). I had a minor wobble, I'm afraid, but I didn't do it. And I'm gaining weight for the baby and because Erika asked me to.

"Arashi - In your second paragraph you state you make 'no excuses' for the posts you made (there were several, not 'one' and minimising your unpleasant posts is a warning in itself)."

You misunderstood - what I meant was that I wasn't going to try to excuse my behaviour, not that I was unapologetic. It was unacceptable, hence the "no excuses" part.

"You then go on to systematically water down that 'apology', by pointing at the 'mindset' of the people who responded, accusing people of prejudice, of unfairness, saying you don't see why you should explain yourself, with the parting shot of 'with or withoutyour help'."

For the first part, there were some who stated that some men specifically target vulnerable girls with rather horrible implications. The words "self-obsessed" and "parasitic" were used. Shouldn't I be upset by that?

The "with or without your help" part means that if I am going to be demonised for one (or several) posts made in spur-of-the-moment anger in the space of maybe half an hour, Erika will probably not come back. I don't want that as this place is useful for her. But she loves me and if she thinks that members here are going to be unforgiving for one relatively short-lived and impulsive mistake by her partner, she won't be back. Does that make sense?

I'm bowing out.

You're entirely unconvincing, Arashi, sorry.

I don't think its really a question of us "forgiving" you but if erika feels that people not being able to get past their misgivings about you in order to give her advice would prevent her from using the site she could just namechange and start again. As could you.

The gaining weight thing - you should be doing it for yourself first and foremost. If you don't actually want to do it it will be difficult to sustain long term especialy as you are not addressing the cause of the problem.

Would you consider therapy? - they do it for men too - and its probably more common than you think.

by the way, I'm not sure how useful mumsnet will be to erika if she cannot post here without fear of you reading what she says.