Can't deal with the drinking.

[ErikaMaye]

I adore my DP. He is the most wonderful, caring, loving person I have ever met, and being nearly six months pregnant with his child, I can't think of anyone else I would want to be in this situation with. He takes care of my when my illnesses are flaring up, makes me laugh, listens to me when I'm stressed, calms me down if I'm having a freak out... Some of the things he's done to help me, even before we got together, go totally and utterly beyond the call of duty. I've never been happier.

But this weekend he's been through two bottles of wine a night, and although its not the first time, I'm really struggling. He has anorexia, and used to self harm, and when he's drinking it all comes back to the surface. Last night I was woken up by him crying, and I had to take the knife off him while he sobbed, "Please just one cut." Its so painful for me to witness. He's had SUCH a hard week, and he's angry with himself because he slipped up trying to gain weight, so I'm trying to put some of it down to that. But I've been up for hours now, worried about dropping off to sleep in case he has a funny turn and doesn't wake me up - if he's sober he'll wake me if he needs to so we can talk about things, same as I do to him, but I can't guarantee he'll do that currently.

I love him so much, but its just so painful to witness him torturing himself. He's trying so hard, and done so well - hasn't hurt himself since we found out we were expecting (whereas I've slipped up twice), has gained weight voluntarily, and has cut down hugely on the tobacco and weed that he was smoking. He still takes vallium a lot, but I don't resent this as I know his anxiety is just too much sometimes to deal with.

I don't know what to do - because he's done so much for me and the baby already, I feel terrible even considering having a chat with him about the drinking. And a part of me is also sickly thinking about the calories he's at least consuming from the drink, and from the food he'll snack on if he's drunk. I just don't know. When I tell him in the morning - he'll be up in 20mins for work - how much he worried me, like I did yesterday, he'll be horrified and apologise, but I just can't deal with it at times. Please someone give me some advice.

I think that we are both aware that our situation is less than ideal. We haven't been together very long, neither of us are as healthy as we could be, we don't have our own place to bring our little boy up together. But we love each other, we love the baby, and that, as far as we and social services seemed to be concerned, is the most important thing.

I won't for a second deny that he has his faults, as much as I won't deny I have mine. But I want to correct the impressions that some people seem to have about our relationship. Right from the start, he has kept me sane, has supported me, even before we knew each other very well, let alone were going out. The second time we saw each other face to face was when he came up to A&E and sat with me for six hours because I had taken an overdose. I feel it is implied in some of the posts that he has taken advantage of me and of my situation, and to be blunt this is entire rubbish.

I started this post because I knew he was struggling over the past week or so due to numerous stress factors, and I wanted someone to sympathise. Maybe, childishly, I wanted someone to tell me how to make everything okay for him, because to see him suffering is so painful I can't put it into words. I wanted to get everything out of my head so I could be there for him and support him in the way he always supports me - unjudgemental, calm, kind, understanding.

I will thank those of you who have made supportive and helpful comments, they have been greatly appriciated, especially last week, when it was all just too much for me to handle by myself.

In refernece to social services - they are aware that we both have a history of mental health problems, and that we are both struggling coping with the changes that we know we are going to have to make. But to quote exactly what the social worker said to me at my last meeting with her; "I know you're both having a rough time right now, but seeing how hard you're trying, its obvious that you're both going to flip around you're experiences to help your child develop heathy and happy. I really reckon you're going to make fab parents."

I think that what social services have said sums up how we feel - the fact that we are both struggling, that we have both had a hard time, does not mean that our child has to be affected in the same way. It has made me more determinded to make sure that everything is as close to perfect as is humanly possible for our little man.

I can't put into words how proud I am, and how greatful, as I do remember how hard it is fighting these things. To fight back as hard as he has is amazing - he's done better than I thought he could do! And while last week was a bad week, everyone has bad weeks. I was on a downer as well, and I'm sure that this didn't help with how affected I was by everything.

I am not retracting what I said, about how concerned and upset I was by what has happened. But spending the amount of time together we have, I do know that the situations I've described earlier on are very rare, and this is probably why they upset me more. I hope that makes sense. (My brain isn't functioning correctly today!)

Thank you, again, for the helpful comments and supportive understanding that I have recieved on here.

I hope it works out well for both of you and your baby and I hope you keep posting erika

tiktok - "I'm bowing out.

You're entirely unconvincing, Arashi, sorry."

That is a pity and somewhat perplexing since I have been as honest as I can be today and have clarified every point you had misgivings about. I'm assuming it is simple dislike since you give no reasons for your stance especially as I have attempted to explain myself.

I doubt Erika or I will be back based on this kind of thing, but I'd like to thank those who have helped her through a rough week.

All the best.

mrsboogie - No, I don't think so. She has just said as much to me. She won't want to talk to people being that unforgiving based on a couple of posts by her partner.

Sorry, but thanks for everything anyway.

you;re 18 with complex issues

he is 33 with complex issues, but what comes across is that you are taking responsibility, seeking help and moving forward, whereas he is not prepared to seek structured , formal help

and you are looking after him and will soon have a baby to look after too

can you really imagine spending the rest of your life with him, as things stand?

you are going to be a very different person when the baby arrives and in say, 5 years time.

i hope things work out for oyu all, and nowehre did anyone say that they hoped social services would take your baby away

that's a shame

especially when she started the thread due to her distress at your drinking...

good luck

"We met up to start with because I wanted to help her and look after her".

To help her and look after her!. You're 33, she is not yours to try and rescue and or save. That also equally applies to Erika too. Is that what this is all about?. If so why on earth bring a child into this?.

You're both using each other as a crutch for each others' complex issues.

Erika - please keep posting, even if it's not about your DP but for support and advice about your baby. I'm a first time mum (DD 11mo) and I have found MN invaluable for all sorts of queries, little to large, or just for a good browse and nosy of other threads.

Just as an aside - I sincerely hope your DP has apologised to you for invading and taking over your private conversation. He really did not have that right. I hope it hasn't spoiled your future use of this forum.

ineedalifelaundry - it looks doubtful that Erika will post again, at least not in the short term. Her DP will regard it as an act of disloyalty and she will not feel she has his sanction to do it - my very mild comment at him being 'unconvincing' was enough to make him take offence, and to speak for Erika, too, about not returning.

I could be wrong, and she may feel able to post under a different username, which she does not have to share with him.

Hope so.

"You're both using each other as a crutch for each others' complex issues."

• I entirely disagree with this. Amoung all the other things we have in common, it just so happens that we both have difficulties of the same kind, also. And we support each other, we think, better than a "normal" patner would or could, because we understand one another that bit more.

And as to bringing a child into this... Yes, I was stupid, I listened to a friend instead of using my common sense, and I was an idiot for falling pregnant in the first place. I'm quite aware of this. But hey - I think I read somewhere once that about 80% of pregnancies are unplanned. So I'm a statistic, and proud. I wouldn't change things for the world.

Yes, I can imagine myself quite contently spending the rest of my life with this man. I think, because of my posts, and his reaction, you have seen him only at his worst. I've sat here and ruthlessly picked at his scabs, instead of talking about him as a whole. I'm a very lucky woman, and my baby is a very lucky boy, to have him in our lives. He is a good partner, the greatest of friends, and will be (already is) a brilliant father to our child. I'm sorry that the past weeks struggles have tinted the view of him, I trully am, because I think that this site could be just as useful for him, and if there are already these negative perceptions of him then it is a real shame.

Yes, he has apologised, many times, for invading my privacy and coming on here to see what I was writting. I don't know what on earth inspired him to do so, and I don't really care, to be honest. I know he feels bad for how upset he made me. But - he apologised, he knows he was wrong, and I forgive him. I might not forget quite so quickly, but I forgive him.

The way DP has reacted over the past few weeks has distressed me. But then, I'm sure the way I react towards things at times distresses him. I really - really - did not want to recieve such negative reactions towards him, although, upon reflection, I can understand that by not explaining our situation entirely, I should not be suprised. Without soundinjg cruel, unless you have suffered from an ED, there is no way you can understand what it is like to try and recover, especially to have it sprung upon you, and to not really be ready to let go of the control it allows you over your life. I've found it hard enough gaining weight and eating as much as I am, and the last time I had a bout of bulimia was over a year ago.

I feel quite content to continue posting as I have done, using this screen name, because I think DP is right, as are some of you, who have stated that it is a resource of the greatest value. I don't for a minute think that we know what we're letting ourselves in for - but then again, show me a set of first time parents that do.

tiktok - on the contary, I would positively encourage Erika to post under her username or any other. I don't control her, she does as she pleases. And yes, I was really hurt by your comment as I thought it was unfair and you made no attempt to say why you thought so. It hurts to be called a liar when you know you're being as honest as you can be based on what people are asking. Why do you insist on painting me as a bad person? Do you actually hate me that much based on a couple of posts? Didn't seem very mild to me, but perhaps that was just my perception.

I posted in anger and in haste last week. Afterwards, I felt terrible about it, apologised to Erika and bought her some of her favourite flowers and we ended up having a lovely evening together.
I re-signed up here to clarify the situation and to try and redress the balance yet still got abuse for being a bad partner.

ineedalifelaundry - of course I apologised! Many times! Why does everyone think I'm this horrible person? I really don't get it. I made a mistake. A bad one. I had no right and I made that clear.

AttilaTheMeerkat - No, she isn't "mine" to rescue, but she said it helped her having me around and I enjoyed being of some use and doing a good thing and it progressed from there pretty naturally. Sorry if you see that as a bad thing.

I'm miserable now and people on the net rarely get me down. The only person who is standing by me at the moment is Erika, which is ironic since she is the only one I've wronged.

We're going to be good parents. I stopped drinking last week anyway (I go through phases every now and then - last time was a year ago) - it was just stress about getting my flat redecorated for the baby and the eating thing - but I swear I was doing fine up until that point! I've stopped smoking weed and I'm absolutely not going to be smoking anywhere near our son as I heard it can prompt all sorts of bad things, not in the least a propensity later in life for the child to smoke and I don't want that (nicotine patches are free from my GP apparently, so I'm doing that). I love children, I'm great with them (so I'm told) and I used to babysit a lot. I know I can do this.

Is there anything else I can do or say to make you people stop treating me like a monster?

I made one mistake by posting here and said some horrible things. I've apologised to people here and to Erika. I don't know if she'll come back, but I can't exactly make her, can I?

he seemed to be requiring us to "forgive" him before she would return to post.

I have to say I hope it works out but if he met up with her to help her the last thing he should have done was get her pregnant after 5 weeks.

I find it to hard to believe that someone with addictions to alcohol, nicotine and weed, who also has slef harming issues and an eating disorder can stop all those destructive, negative behaviours without any intervention or medical help

mrsboogie - if anything the pregnancy is MY fault. Shall I explain fully? I thought that after coming off the Pill you were covered for the first month. I came off to see if it helped the effectiveness of my anti-depressents. I told DP I was sure I was covered, as it was a dear friend who told me that it was true, and he saw no reason to doubt me.

When I did find out, I instantly decided that I was keeping it, with or without DPs support. Although his first post on here was very harsh, that is true. I had a MC at 15, the week before my GCSEs, and I couldn't expose myself to that loss again.

it would have been wiser to take advice from a family planning clinic or doctor.

what's done is done however, and i hope that the two of you are getting the support you need.

if your DPs reaction to stress etc is to drink or self harm and that is also your reaction, you are going to need a lot of support when your baby arrives

It was an unplanned pregnancy! Did you think I did it on purpose?

I'm not addicted to alcohol or weed. Cigarettes, yes, but I'm working on that, like I said. ANd I've not cut myself since 26th Novemeber 2008. Not that that apparently makes a difference to anyone here.

But I see I'm not really getting anywhere with you. Forever the monster, then. Shame, I was hoping to get some support here myself sometime in the future after our son is born. Oh well...

LuluMaman - Doesn't that only go to show how determind he is to be a good father, and make things as easy for us as parents, and for me as his partner, as possible? With limited therapist support I have recovered from EDs, and in recent months, since finding out I was expecting, stopped self harming. In fact, from multiple times a day, I have hurt myself twice since. It might not be advisable in all cases but it is do-able.

no, i don;t thikn it is advisable to try to cure yourself in these circumstances.

psychiatric issues do not disappear from week to week and day to day, because the person decides they are better

you have a lot to deal with in the coming months and to try to deal with complicated mental health issues without back up is naive , actually.

i;ve not said you are a monster, or in fact anything particularly negative or insulting

are you taking valium under medical supervision?

what concerns me is that there are complicated issues here and that the approrpriate medical support is not being sought or utilised

We do have backup. Support workers, both sets of parents, therapists and social services. My god, what kind of irresponsible idiots do you think we are? I've been planning this since I found out we were expecting.

And unless you're a psychologist, I hardly see how your opinion is the be all and end all anyway.

That concern is noted, but unless it is proved we cannot cope, I feel your concern is unwarranted. I've got this.

I vary rarely get angry at threads on here but i hope for you and your baby sake Erika that SS are vary involved in your baby life. Because if your dp begins to selfharm in any form ,at the 'stress' of decorating a flat what the fuck do you think he is going to do at 3am when you baby has been screaming for hours/days on end.

'I love children, I'm great with them (so I'm told) and I used to babysit a lot. I know I can do this.' Yes you probaly are for the few hours your doing 'babysitting'. But that's not what it's like when you have a child it for 24/7 with all it screaming/dirty nappies/vomit. You can't hand them back when you have had enough.

ok, you are clearly only wanting to hear opinions that are totally on your side, and nothing that is potentially a different opinion or view

i am posting my opinion, whihc i have not claimed is the be all and end all, based on what has been posted

if you only wanted opinions from mental health professionals, you should have requested that from the outset

however, when you post on an open forum, you get all sorts of opinions from all sorts of people, from all walks of life

i will bow out and leave you to only reading and accepting posts that agree with you.

and i hope you are not this defensive and rude in RL towards people who are trying to assist you

i think concern is warranted when two people with eating disorders, self harm issues, alcohol, weed and other drugs are being used to medicate .. and there is a baby in the mix.

what is it you are expecitng people to say?

TJK: I didn't call you a 'liar'. I don't 'hate' you. I am not painting you as 'a bad person'. I said I found your protests and apologies and justifications 'entirely unconvincing' and I still do; I don't think I am alone in that.

Of course I could be wrong to remain 'unconvinced' - why is it so important to 'convince' me (I take it is is important for some reason, as you have come back to me twice to ask me about it, and have developed a idea that I 'hate' you as a result of my comment)? You don't know me. I'm not part of your life. Get on with trying to change yourself, rather than the perceptions of people you don't know and have no real-life dealings with.