Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

Thinking of you, therealme.
Absolutely shocked at the level of expectations he established...
and for six years! I know time sneaks by and it could have just as easily been 15 or 22 years.

Yea you!
You've drawn the line and enough is definitely enough. You should have every bit of confidence that your dc will A) be better off away from him; B) when they are old enough, totally understand with metaphysical certitude that you did the right thing and thank you for it and C) avoid falling into this kind of relationship trap themselves because they will know that it just isn't normal or right.

If it comes down to a face to face confrontation with him...well my favorite line is:

Look him straight in the eye and say

"Use someone else."

That is a concise pithy summary that gets directly to the point. In fact, maybe that chould be a verbal default-the only thing you ever need say to him again. Of course there will be circumstances to discuss, but you know what I mean.

Good luck. Try to sleep, but I hope any sleeplessness will be due to excitement of you getting out of this rather than anxiety produced by him.

It's going to be a tough few weeks, therealme, but I'm so glad you have support around you. I hope you can hear his voice just as an annoying buzzing sound and filter out his actual words. Time to stick metaphorical fingers in your ears. La, la, la, can't hear you!

And as said before, make sure he can't get his hands on your bank account or other assets.

Many thoughts sent your way therealme. You can do this! Stay strong!

Good luck tomorrow trm

Good luck tomorrow therealme. Take all the support that's being offered. Let the people who care about you help you.

It's time for change, it's your time now.

Good Luck X

Be strong and clear-headed today realme. Sending good luck vibes through the ether to you.

Let us know what happens.

Post if you need help.

x

juts lurking...but wanted to add my good wishes for today

you sound like a very strong woman

mumsnet is behind you today, therealme!

Oh my god..... I have been going thru hell for 10 months with my wife....

.... can this be true?!?!?!... does this really exist?!?.. does it exist in Woman as well as men (I do not see why not)??

Identify 5 or more of these items to meet the criteria - the word MORE springs to mind!!!!

.. also explains the total reluctance to seek therapy from Relate or a counciller as she knows better than they do.....

Therealme-do we pop the champagne? Are you ok? I hope he is gone, just be gone.

Oh yeah, opinionateddad-it is my sister for me.
Try the book Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary.
The subtitle is "Surviving & Thriving with the Self-Absorbed"

Good luck.

Have been to court. It was honestly the most terrifying experience of my life. I don't think I could have done it without the help of the lady from Women's Aid who stayed with me whenever she could and kept me calm (ish) and focused.

I have applied for a Safety Order and a Barring Order against my h. My hearing is set for the 8th Oct. Meanwhile I have been granted a protection order with immediate effect.

Whilst waiting to see the Judge my h texted to say he was on his way to the hospital to find me - I had told him I had a medical appointment. God knows how I got through the morning, but I did. I managed to fob my h off saying I'd already left and he didn't ask any further Q's.

H is in work until tomorrow afternoon. When he returns I will be telling him about his summons, and informing him about the protection order.
I am not looking forward to this I can tell you! But it has to be done and I will be doing it! (with my mum by my side....!)

Message withdrawn

YOU ARE AMAZING therealme!!!!!!

Champagne, hugs and many exclamation marks!

(is all this enthusiasm un-MNetty?)

Wishing you continued focus and strength, for the days until your hearing and for tomorrow. So glad your Mum will be there with you.

Much respect to you.

Whatever icon is a big bunch of flowers, you got it.

WELL DONE! Fantastic news

Great News, therealme!
Great, great news!
I am so very happy for you that you are takiing action. Well done.

Hi therealme

I'm so glad it went well today for you, just hope the next couple of months pan out well, and you can stay as strong as you so evidently have been already. You are a real inspiration.

I read this thread through today and your resolution and strength really touched me. I was with (what I now can identify as) a narcissist for a year and a half, but didn't realise what the problem was until after he left me last November. Clearly a lucky escape, tho' I didn't realise it at the time - I just missed his fun and charm and attention so much. When I was in it, I was constantly paranoid about my own failings and inability to make it work. That relationship nearly bloody killed me - although I am so much better now, and have come to terms with the fact that so little of it was about me, it was (yawn) all about him. Reading others experiences on this thread has been very emotional.

I am full of admiration at your single mindedness and bravery in doing this for you and your children. And I'm rooting for you all the way Xxxx

Goodness, thank you all so much for your kind words and support!

TheMoistWorld and Opinionateddad, my life with this man has been going on for 17 long years and I was almost resigned to it. I had no idea what NPD was, I had no real idea what emotional abuse was all about either. This would sill be the case today had I never posted under secrecy on the parenting site where I live in Ireland. TG I have been saved from another 17 years of it!

My strength and resolution almost left me today as I sat in that court. What kept me focused was remembering the many, many messages of support, encouragement and 'thinking of you' posts people had written both here and back home. My sister, who is in Oz, even registered on my home site and sent a message! (I had a good blubber over that, I can tell you)

I know I've a long battle ahead of me, but as far as I'm concerned I'm winning already, because today I did something I have never done before in 17 years; I finally took some action and am standing up to my bully of a h.

So very well done realme. You must be exhausted after today. Women's Aid sound fantastic.

Please take advice from them as to what to do now: as I understand it, your H does not have to leave the house under a Protection Order - but he must not threaten or use violence against you or he risks being arrested.

Do you have astrategy in place for coping with the situation until the hearing? Is your mother going to stay with you?

How do you plan to tell him? make sure you have at least one other person with you will you?

Many people are rooting for you on here; you have done amazingly well to take such strong action, so carefully/thoughtfully and with such patience.

He may storm off once you tell him about the Order, but ask him to part with any house keys first. Or get his house keys before telling him.

I am sure women's aid remain supportive. I just found my H so bloody unpredictable over the few days of him finally going. I wish I had known about him what I know now (in terms of NPD and what his behaviour patterns meant), as it may have helped me to be less traumatised and terrified (where was he? Was this real? how could he do this? Has he gone mad? Is he going to come back and kill me/steal our baby etc etc. In my case the answer was No; he had simply discarded us totally, caught a plane to thailand to have plenty of sex and had planned the whole thing.)

Try and get some sleep tonight and good luck again tomorrow. Stay calm and cool. Avoid eye contact maybe. Do not seem pleased or displeased about the Order. Be ambivalent. Try to betray as little emotion as possible. Get someone else to tell him?

Do not look afraid.

Well done again.

therealme, well done! I am so pleased and happy for you and have nothing but admiration and respect for your courage in taking the harder option. Far harder to make a stand and walk away than bury your head in the sand and stay because it's easier, like my mother did. Good Luck, I am sure your confidence will grow by the day now you have taken this first important step.

Congratulations, therealme! I'm so impressed that you have come so far, so fast! You're really on the way now!

How's it going trm? Been checking up all day. Hope you're OK.

Been a long day but I got through it in one piece.
I left my dc with my neighbour at 5pm when h got back from work. He was upstairs in his bedroom as usual. I took his court summons and a copy of my protection order up and simply handed them to him. My Mum and I waited downstairs.
We heard nothing apart from a bit of moving around upstairs for an hour. Eventually h sent me a text to say he would be moving some clothes out to his mothers tonight, and would search for new accommodation in the next few days.....!

So, I brought the dc back into the house. Within 20 mins my h had pulled my 10yo to one side and told him 'Mummy has been to the Guards and to court and I am being forced to move out'. My ds has Aspergers. It has taken my Mum and I most of the night to calm him down - he is still awake now and I am sleeping on the floor next to him tonight.

I had decided that I wasn't going to engage with h whatsoever, however I had to say something about what he had said to my ds and prevent him speaking to my other dc.
H saw nothing wrong in what he said of course, sure 'wasn't that the truth, what else was he supposed to say....?'
I spent an hour listening to more of his crap; how I could just have asked him to leave, how I could have left at any time. When I reminded him of the threat he made to me last week....he totally denied saying it!!
Claimed he would never say such a thing, would never harm me....
He then re wrote the history of our marriage according to his viewpoint once again. Twisted the truth about what had really happened with reference to specific incidents, absolved himself of all responsibility for things that went wrong, manipulated the truth so once again he came across as the innocent injured party with me as the f*ck up who must naturally take the blame.
There was no shouting or raging - he's not stupid, he knows I have grounds for the Safety Order, and he knew he could be arrested for verbally abusing me tonight. He maintained his control, yet this made what he said sound all the more mad. I have only ever heard him spit it at me in anger, never spoken in a calm, normal voice. It just sounded mad!

So now I believe my h will probably assume the role of poor wrongly accused victim. He is in the house tonight but says he will stay with his mother from Sunday till he can find accommodation.
Meanwhile I need to find myself a good family law solicitor, someone who, I hope to god, will have had experience in dealing with manipulators of this calibre before. He is just impossible to deal with! He will never take any bloody responsibility - not even for f*cking up my 10yo's mind tonight. He cannot be trusted around my dc and I will be watching them like a hawk.
I hope to god he sticks to his plan and leaves on Sunday, but I am aware that I took him by surprise tonight and he may think up a better plan.

Please pray that he just goes and leaves me and my dc in peace.
Sorry if I have rambled - my nerves are in tatters tonight. x

It's interesting how Ns use 'the truth' when it suits them....eg... with your DS to put you in the bad mummy category.

Everything that comes out of their mouths is usually a pack of lies, but suddenly they have to 'tell the truth'.

Classic N mind-fuck I am afraid. My ex-HN does this all the time. I used to stand my ground and argue my case, but now I have realised that this just feeds their supply-needs too, so now I just don't bother. Whatever you say will be twisted so why not save your energy for the important things?

A word borrowed from my teenagers is useful for this...'whatever'. An excellent word!

Having said that, it has taken me nearly three years to be able to get to that stage. And I do still get sucked in sometimes.

Just keep posting and we are all behind you.

Nightmare for your DS though if he can't really understand. Just more evidence of what a bastard your H is really. My ex-HN says all sorts of things to our kids that should never be said. But Ns don't care about the kids...only themselves, and so they just use the kids as another stick to beat you with.

Just keep going....all this will pass.

xxxx

I am glad he didn't get violent, therealme.

You should be very gratified that you have done the amount of homework on NPD to give you the clarity to be able to see that he was rewriting history, and in the moment, too.

Your brain is still fully intact -you will breeze through this. Sadly, I believe, alot of NPD targets get bogged down in depression, or so nearly so that bold action seems so impossible they dare not try.

The court order was brilliant and will be a huge filter of contact for you and dc-once he is actually gone.

Your dc will need more attentive love and reassurance for the forseeable future, which you probably knew anyway. I hope your mom is able to be around for a while to help prove to the dc that their lives/lifestyle will have continuity, only better.

He now realizes that you are no longer a supply for his narcissistic needs. And you see? It didn't take him that long at all to find another target-the children.
You may feel he is doing it to "get at you" and that may be partially true, but he is definitely supplying himself in the process. "Use someone else..."

If you can't get sole custody, hopefully you can achieve "supervised" custody for him, especially regards your sn son.

You will have to protect/counsel/debrief them for years-or until they are old enough to understand this complex dynamic (some girls in preschool might already 'get it' ). Every incident, and there will be many, will only serve to give you that much more validation that you have done the right thing.

You have DONE it!! Celebrate and buy some new linens.

Why do I feel so deflated?
I'm trying hard to hold it all together, to maintain normality for my dc, because my Mum is here and I'm rarely left alone.
But at unexpected moments, without any warning, huge sobs of uncontrolable tears start pouring from me and it takes all my self control to prevent myself from howling in pain.
This is what I wanted! I stood up to my h and released myself from his hold. I should be jubilant, giddy with relief - not bewildered and confused.