Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

therealme

have a little look at this

PTSD is not unknown for the victims of Ns.

You will get better.

All this will pass

xxxxx

Your grieving for what could/should have been, it could take a while to go through the grieving process, don't beat yourself up about it or think you've made the wrong choice, its all a natural process (which as we know nature is harsh).

You'll get there, you've come so far.

You've done a hugely significant thing-successfully. That stress is gone and it is ok for your feelings to release.

It might also be grieving for your marriage that failed. Yes, even though you ended it (you had to), there may be the deep inside grief/disappointment that you didn't get the "happy ever after". But I don't think it is about remorse regarding missing him.

Let the tears flow. You deserve it. And I think it is ok for the children to see it. You are human, they will be ok to know it is ok to cry. They may wish to cry some too. I think it is ok.

Perhaps you could tell them that you have felt like crying for a long time but you couldn't because x h would shame you about it. Now, you can cry if you want/need to-and so can they.

But I also think (sorry, I can't remember poster's name-went to revise) the PTSD is on the mark. You will have to recover from his emotional abuse and it will take time.

I think there are physiological reasons why you would feel deflated - a huge amount of adrenalin has been coursing through your system to deal with all this, so of course you experience sudden drops.

You're doing great! So sorry for the distress to your son, but you're moving towards a much calmer and settled home life where he will eventually thrive.

And yes, your "d"h will decide that he is the victim of all this. Let him stew in his own bitterness and don't pay too much attention.

TheRealMe - just wanted to add my support, you are one strong fantastic woman! As for the sorrow and anti-climax, google "Stockholm Syndrome" Between that and PTSD, it may help you to understand what you're feeling.

How are you today, therealme?
Have you been able to sleep?

Thinking of you-take care
TMSB

Hi Toomany....your user name always puts a smile on my face
I saw Mum off at the airport this morning so I'm feeling very 'alone' right now.
H took my sons out for the day, I received various ph calls and texts about trivial things. He came back to the house to play a game with ds (10) and watch a video at ds's request, apparently. So all in all, apart from a brief moment this morning when I bought lilac paint to redecorate my new bedroom, things have remained typical, like nothing much has changed iykwim?

He has moved his personal belongings (most of them) to his mothers and handed me his front door key. So he won't be sleeping in this house again.
I know we must remain communicative because we have 3 dc but.... I don't really know how to say what I want to say here, but I am left with the feeling that he is still in control and I am jumping to his wishes. For example, I was to take dc away for a few days in Sept, paid for by h. The holiday camp has to change our dates so tonight I had to ring holiday people, change car hire dates etc, all directed and overseen by h. Also, h texted to say he would not be able to do lots of day trips out with dc like today because it was too expensive and bringing them to his mothers house for any length of time was out. So I found myself suggesting that he could always come to the (my) house to watch a dvd with kids/put them to bed etc. Now I kind of feel I was manipulated into suggesting this because of course I want my dc to be able to spend time with their Daddy. It still feels like he is controlling my mind and my decison making!!

So then I thought, just say 'it's not my problem' when he throws his dilemmas my way, even if they concern the dc. But then I googled 'stockholm syndrome' and oh my god did that answer a few Q's!!

So that's where I am right now (you did ask?!) I am still taking care of h's feelings and needs, still attached in some f*cked up way to making sure he is accommodated and not put out, that I am being reasonable to all of his wishes/demands. He still has control of me, is still manipulating me. And because I feel sorry for him (stockholm syndrome) I am going to continue to put his needs above my own. They may sound reasonable now, but knowing h, I predict that I'll be dancing to his tune again within months.

Standing up for myself and going to court was hard, very hard, but disentangling myself from h's control is going to be harder. I looked through old photo albums today and cried. I have been dependent on this man for such a long time, I have become emeshed with him. I sought his approval for years. I don't make a decision without seeking his advice, actually, I don't make decisions. I am still living through my h and I'm not sure how I am going to be able to seperate myself. He is worried that the protection order will show up on his Garda clearance check for work and i have been fretting all day that he could loose his job and it would be my fault.

This is not good, is it?

Learn to say "no". Say it out loud all day long, dream it, eat it. No NO No NO nO no NO no.

I think I need to look up Stockholm Syndrome too regarding my sister, although I expect to have been effected in a minor way.

You are not obligated to him.

Set a definite out of the house by a set time rule and stick to it. I would limit the days he is allowed over as well-and brief the dc on this.

Do not let him weedle his way back in. Keep these leaks blocked. Whack a mole!!

What is your hobby? You need something for your brain to focus on that is completely unassociated with marriage/relationships/childcare/family etc.
I can recommend quilting. There is the added gratification of producing a useful object in addition to the theraputic benefits.

I am not afraid of a long post so write on without hesitation.

Also, therealme, your interactions with him may be based in plain "habit".

Try to be aware in the moment (I know you can do it as you have done before) and know things can be done differently. That is fresh and new and vitalizing-it doesn't have to be a fearful unknown.

I hope you can order yourself a pizza with the topping you like on it!

Toomany, I've lost 3 stone in weight since beginning of June....I'll order a pizza with every topping on it!!

the real me, you are so aware of what is happening re your 's demands/requests/victimhood you are half way there to being able to say No already. As TMSB says you are changing the patterns and habit of a lifetime and it isn't going to happen overnight.

One thing you might like to try is: whenever he says 'I can't do this or I wish to do that or please will you arrange so and so' have the stock answer ready: 'I will think about it and let you know.'

This is all part of your new decision-making process. It was something the Pattern Chaanging course run by Women's Aid helps teach you: give yourself breathing space to make any decisions relating to him or his actions and in that space think clearly about what is best for YOU as well as for your DC.

Remember - 'I will think about it and get back to you...or Give me time to think about this and I will let you know.' It also helps you get some control back.

I am sure going to court was INCREDIBLY hard but you must give yourself a break from thinking you cannot make decisions or do anything without his say so, because you absolutely HAVE in going to court! Please start treating yourself with kindness and care. Treat yourself as many times a day/week as you can. Not necessarily spending money on yourself, but other things: painting your room is a good example.

Women coming out of abusive relationships (and yours was very abusive - abuse is not always physical) find it difficult to start putting themselves first again. Women's Ad call it your Bill of Rights....the bill has 16 Rights. Here they are:

1. I have the Right to be me
2. I have the Right to put myself first
3. I have the Right to be safe
4. I have the Right to love and be loved
5. I have the Right to be treated with respect
6. I have the Right to be human - NOT PERFECT
7. I have the right to be angry and protest if I am treated unfairly or abusively by anyone
8. I have the Right to my own privacy
9. I have the Right to my own opinions, to express them and to be taken seriously.

10. I have the Right to earn and control my on money 11. I have the Right to ask questions about anything that affects my life 12. I have the Right to grow and change (and that includes changing my mind) 13. I have the Right to say NO 14. I have the Right to make mistakes 15. I have the Right NOT to be responsible for other adults' problems 16. I have the Right not to be liked by everyone.

When I first read these on the PC course I couldn't grasp how they related to me at all...I only read them from H's point of view so 'guilty' did I feel for being 'horrid' to him and 'making him fly away to bang whores'. ie, HE had the right to change his mind, HE had the right to love and be loved, HE had the right blah blah bah....but as someone on the course pointed out Yes he had those rights too but NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF YOU OR YOUR SON - IE HE HAD NO RIGHT TO TRASH YOUR LIFE, STEAL YOUR MONEY, ABANDON HIS RESPONSIBILITIES AS A HUSBAND AND FATHER IN THE COURSE OF FOLLOWING HIS OWN 'RIGHTS' '

Yes so brainwashed was I, I needed to be reminded of that over and over again to begin with.
Please read the Bill of Rights and remind yourself of them - two that meant the most to me are that I have the Right not to be responsible for other adults' problems, and I have the Right to put myself first.

NPD is a ghastly disorder that can have a lasting impact on its victims. Thankfully, because of your brave actions, his problems are not yours anymore. As time passes this will become easier and easier for you to realise and accept and your life will NOT remain enmeshed with his. There is a chance as the DC get older too, that he won't want to be bothered with them anyway...and possibly, nor they with him. Keep going. Keep loving YOURSELF and hugging yourself and treating yourself. You deserve it.

Lots of love to you

I also lost three stone. Aint it great!!!

It's going to be hard to break the habits that you've been trained to for some many years. It will take time for you to distinguish by yourself when his requests/demands are unreasonable. I strongly recommend that you lean on the judgement of someone you trust, whether your neighbour, your mother (or us!) "He wants me to do X, what do you think?" At first you will have to literally ask the question, but soon enough you'll be able to anticipate the response ("He's a dickhead and that's completely unreasonable") and you'll start to trust yourself.

Therealme, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome after just working with a NPD. Even two years down the line I can still wake up in a cold sweat remembering what he did to me.

You have survived so much more. At least I had the escape of a family and a home apart from my tormentor. You have not. What I'm trying to say is your reactions are normal. Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to get angry at him and the lost years. And listen to unlikelyAmazon, she speaks sense.

I am no authority...but the thought of CBT came to mind after I somewhat described it with rehearsing "no no no". Cognative Brain Therapy-retraining your brain.

It might be worth a few minutes to look that up too.

Excellent posts unlikely and nickname.

Congratulations on the weight loss!
Long ago, pre-dc, my dh went on travel and when he returned, he asked how my week went. I said I ordered a pizza for myself and he said that's good and I said yeah, it was the first time in seven years that I got to have on it what I wanted. His jaw dropped a bit, bless him, and he made sure I got my choice at least every other pizza after that. And now I make sure the dc get their liking-we have to order two, but that is ok. I know it is just pizza, but I think it is these types of things that are telling in a relationship.

Well Unlikely, I find myself reading and re reading that W A bill of rights you posted and I wondered why? Then I realised it has been so long since I stopped to think about me that I forgot I might have rights or needs at all! I am going to write out that list and pin it to the wall next to my bed. I will have a reminder that I, as a person, exist too - always did, somewhere - and perhaps I'll stop living on auto-pilot soon and start to remember that there is a personality somewhere within me that is screaming for attention.

H is arriving tomorrow to take the dc out. It's funny how attentive a Dad he has become since last Friday. Normally he would come home from work and go straight to his bedroom. I would be expected to keep the dc away from him until he had slept etc (he does 24hr shifts) and then he would 'entertain' the dc from his room, usually with a dvd. Suddenly he wants to spend all his waking hours with the kids like some doting dutiful father and the dc are being bombarded with his undivided attention. Is he trying to prove something here before the court hearing in Oct?

Part of me thinks this 'victim mode' will suddenly disappear once the court hearing is over. He will then give in to his anger towards me and make my life bloody difficult. And the only weapon he has against me will be the dc. It's possible he will try to get custody of them by claiming I'm an unfit mother due to a history of depression and a once off hospitalisation. Now, I know, that I have been my dc's primary carer since their birth. Infact, I have done absolutely everything, and I mean everything for them. I can count on 2 hands how many nappy's he's changed, has never bathed them, never got them up, dressed, etc. But I do know how his mind works, and he will spin a convincing tale about how the dc will prosper under his care as opposed to mine. Doesn't help that I am feeling so out of control at the moment. I am putting all my energy into keeping myself together and really just going through the motions each day. My parenting skills are very vague right now. I wouldn't win a mother of the year award.

He seems to be coping with with our split admirably. He is ever civil towards me, thanks me when I agree to him taking the kids out etc. I still hear from him each day and it's like nothing has changed. He discusses arrangements, his plans to get his own place, where he is taking the dc, plans to get the boy's hair cut and so on. There is nothing in his tone of voice or behaviour towards me that would suggest he has just been hit with court summons to answer for abuse and has, at 42yo, been forced to move back in with his mother!! No emotion. No sadness. No cracks that his life has fallen apart in any way....? Can this be for real??

Sorry for long rambling late night insomnia post; again

His treatment of you, therealme, undoubtedly had a large part in creating/sustaining your depression.

NPDs are very caculating, so this bright shining behavior is a mere facade, can't be but absolutely certain about it. Especially given the absense of anger/remorse/lamentations, as you noticed (you are still very much on the ball, therealme ).

It is hard to say what he is angling for in this. Initially, I'd say it doesn't involve the dc, per se; he wants to preserve his superior image in the public sphere in court. Perhaps, on his planet , he thinks 8 weeks of no abuse will erase the last 17 years of hell that he put you through.

You need to go over this with your lawyer. It must be terrible worrying what the consequences might be for your dc (I would be imagining all sorts of terrible scenarios) but-that is in "what if" world. It hasn't happened yet. Make strategies with the solicitor to do your best to prevent these fears.

I think taking it one day at a time is the best thing, aside from the above. Live in the present. If it gets down to a half day at a time or an hour at a time, so be it...the time will pass. I wear a watch with a second hand on it-yep-time is still ticking by...

Take care, therealme. Give your dc extra hugs-that's the best tonic for you (and them).

Realme, my heart goes out to you it really does.

He is showing no emotion, because he doesn't feel any emotion...Ns don't know or have 'real' emotions as you and I understand and feel them. As Toomany says this bright new penny of a man is all a facade. He is playing a part. He is playing for someone's benefit amd it's NOT for the dcs. It may be for his mother's benefit (she is probably an N herself - do you know her well? Think about it) or it may be for his solicitor or for some imaginary thought that indeed 8 weeks of Mr Nice will prove to you that you were mad and wrong all the time and that he had to 'put up' with you and he will want to tell a court this.

Who knows? They are bonkers, mercurial pigs and simply do what they want to do, when they want to do it and however they want to do it...whether that is being a Nice Daddy or shagging whores. Rest assured it is all about HIM and HIS agenda.

There is no way a court will accept you are an unfit mother. FWIW I too had a history of depression at various points in my life, and in the year before H naffed off was bunged in a psychiatrict unit for 2 nights.

It was/is all very explainable and being bright and articulate and very self-aware - JUST LIKE YOU - I was and am able to explain it all and how it happened/what led up to it.

Have you told your solicitor about your concerns that he has a mental health disorder? The difficult thing is Ns never or rarely get help so there will never be a 'diagnosis.' But perhaps you could make a list of times when he has displayed the classic traits: do you have any conflicting messages/letters from him? Fgs do not delete those texts you have where he has texted you from his room. Keep them and show them to solicitor.

Don't worry about his moves or plans at the court hearing - it is not here yet and he will make mistakes over the next few weeks anyway. These charlatans are just shit at keeping the facade up for long. They are too self-obsessed. Something might crop up that means he will have to miss or delay seeing the DCs when he has promised - like he will pass a mirror in the street and pause for too long to stare at himself in it.

Just know that your true self will emerge slowly and you will gather strength. It is a long raod. Don't beat yourself up. As I say, TREAT yourself. And trust yourself.

Are your RL friends giving lots of support? You never mention friends...if you are getting lots of support on here then keep leaning on us. MN was a bloody lifeline for me in understanding NPD and reassuring me I was the sane one. Because few of my RL friends (and I have some great ones than god) believed my ramblings about it. Nt at first anyway. A year on they do)

Just go with the flow...give yourself time to make decisions concerning him and his requests, be emotionless back to him. NEVER ask him how he is doing or anything to do with his wellbeing or circs with his mother (he will take it as supply and just feel superior to you. And tell lies anyway of course) In a strange way it's good he is being the Nice Daddy now (how confusing for the DCs after being a miserable wanker for so many years!) becuase he will drop the act eventually and it will be a tough but useful lesson for your lovely children, who will see that YOU are the true lovely rock.

Keep looking at the Bill of Rights. I didn't make them up - they are from WA as you know, who have YEARS and YEARS of experience in dealing with and understanding and helping woman who have been abused.

keep going love. Buy a nice choccy cake today or some Illy coffee. A treat. xx

FFS! He arrived with a gift for me today and handed it over with the ultimate all time understatement of the year;
"To show there's no hard feelings
about what's happened..."

Soooo....that makes it alright now doesn't it??

I hope you gave it straight back. With a blank face.

Did he turn up announced with the 'gift' ? If so he's checking up on you. If not he's still checking up on you. And if he's not checking up on you he has been told by someone to get you a gift and if isn't that then he has done it because he thinks it is 'what splitting up people do in the eyes of normal society'

Whatever, look emotionless, gormless and distinterested. Look distracted, say something totally non associated like 'I lost my purse can you come back another time...'

Do you get my drift? Any emotion/thrusting it back into his hands is just giving him a reaction. The aim here is to give him NO reaction (this is not a game...it makes them go away quicker and leave you alone. They get fed up with getting no supply good or bad)

I expect you have taken it now though (what was it? Perfume? Necklace? Something girly I expect) In which case don't ever refer to it again in front of him and if he raises it just say you don't remember him giving it to you. No eye contact. Look bored and distracted.

realme, I thought I would re-post this first email I received from my h, two months after he vanished. Remember, he took all our money (20k) leaving me with nothing, and our 6 month old son to look after. I was utterly traumatised, didn't sleep for weeks, lost three stone and to my great shame had my son removed from me at one point (for three nights) because I broke down completely.

This is full-blown NPD - it is all about him. It is mad. Fantasy. Weird shit! He is making it all up. Actually he was shagging prostitutes, getting drunk, scuba diving and enrolling on a Tesol course.

It blew me apart because even in my suffering I felt sorry for him. I did not know the extent of his lying until many months later - at the time I received this I was worried that he had indeed lost his mind and needed my help. I felt guilty.

We had been together 7 years and married for 5. This man is 42 when he writes this.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder exists on a spectrum...your h may not be as bonkers as mine. But on any level they are hell to deal with.

Read this and gasp. I can laugh at it now. But I am fourteen months down the line. I post this again only to try and help you know that you are not alone in this! And that these head-cases really do try to fuck with your mind.

You will recover enough one day to be vaguely amused by your stupid h and his mad, mind-defying antics....

Here goes:

From: .co.uk
To: unlikely
Sent: Tue, 5 Aug 2008 4:39

Sorry I didn't reply. Have been nowhere near internet connection.

Perhaps my useless family, who all have my email address and yet have not tried
to make contact can pick up my stuff.

I wrote this for you. But have no 'new life'. Am not even in Thailand.

You want to know how I am. Well, I?m working voluntarily for a small NGO in a
tiny village deep in the K5 minebelt in Cambodia. That?s physically where I am.
Psychically, of course it?s a different matter. I have to tell people that I
have a hypertrophy problem with my tear ducts because I have tears running down
my cheeks in the day. All I do is think about ds and you, and try to get
through the pain in my heart from the grief and shock of what happened. Really,
I?m living in a hellworld ? one of my own making of course in which I?m no
longer really a human being. I?m really just a broken shell. Dead. In the
evenings, when I?m not working and there?s too much time, I wander around in
the minebelt (though I often get stopped by kindly villagers). Then, I have to
drink whisky to sleep as I?ve run out of the supply of heavy-duty sleeping
tablets I brought from Phnom Penh. Even so, in the night, the demons come.

Usually at about 3am I?m woken by terrible dreams about being robbed, beaten,
hijacked, enslaved and being powerless to act.
Really, I just want to die. How can I be a father to ds now? All I wanted
was to live with you, be a good father, and be at peace. I absolutely loathed
teaching (not the interaction with the kids, but the fucking paperwork and
endless marking that I always tried to avoid). Even so, I?d have done it
without complaining for another 20 years if it supported us. You never got just
how physically draining it was anyway.
And from reading Alice Miller I realize it?s
nowhere near as simple as merely NPD. The source is different.

I shared with you the only times I had without debilitating fear and insecurity, albeit they were brief. For five years I was running to catch up, trying to be the man you
wanted, desperately trying ? and failing miserably, of course ? to claw back
the respect I knew was eroding beneath me. And at every downward turn lurked a
damning sense of failure. The equation is complex and I won?t go into it here,
but that?s what led to the internet stuff. I mean, that was meaningless in the
real world as nothing, of course, has happened. No liaisons at all.

The paradox is that despite the failures and the insecurities I loved and love you with
every cell of me. You were and are my soul. Sexual contact with anyone else is
a physical impossibility. A woman tried to kiss me in a bar in Phnom Penh some
weeks ago and I vomited all over the bar and all over her. I had to pay for her
clothes to be cleaned.

I don?t know what to do. Being a cipher is my lot perhaps. I?m still in shock.
I?ve lost everything. Is it just that I have thrown it away? If I can?t have you and ds, then I want nothing. And that is what I now have.

It?s over. Not being able to be the husband you needed, how could I be the
father ds needed? I can?t go through what happened with the girls again.
Not that. It has killed me. How can I describe what it is like seeing fathers
with their sons? It tears me to shreds.
I have to send this now. I?ve been sick twice since I started writing it. I
don?t know what I?m going to do. I am lost.
So sorry. You never deserved my shit. At least you have ds.
And you will always have my love.

Funny that..because a full MONTH earlier he had sent this email to some 'girl' he had met - presumably not one in the NGO he was staggering around weeping.

Here it is - short but sweet.

12 July 2008 05:10:34
To: navylady
From: .co.uk

Thank you for your email address. Please keep in touch. Where have you gone and how long will you be there? It is a shame that I missed you as I think you are the most beautiful girl in all Cambodia.

Please email me back soon.

*
Honestly, you have to laugh!

Wow, Unlikely. I truly hope you never see him again.

Therealme-I agree with Unlikely on this.

It is a natural reflex to extend our arms and hands to receive something that is held out to us. Please over ride this: glue your arms to your sides with regards to him whenever he is around.

If you physically trip and fall flat on your face and he is near by and offers to help you to your feet-ignore his hand.

I would also go so far as to be acutely aware of your personal body space. Do not let him within several feet of yourself. An analogy to help with this is to imagine that he is contaminated in the most awful way and any, even the most innocent brush of touch, would be fatal to you. In the grand scheme of things, this isn't really that far from the truth.

Was the "no hard feelings" about him not having hard feelings for your self-preservation action?
A) that would be a lie -because he will come to the point of needing supply and wait and see-the anger is there and will manifest itself at some point.
B)that would be about him-different from him saying he hopes you don't have any hard feelings.

Why would a material item make up for the years of emotional abuse? I mean if the fellow bought you f*cking Buckingham Palace it wouldn't be enough!

Got to dash-no edit sorry

Yes, Toomany, I did wonder myself how a necklace was supposed to make amends for the damage done over countless years... As to the 'no hard feelings' I read it as him being gracious in his acceptance of the court orders served on him, in that, he was willing to put my little episode with the courts aside as my form of protest, he knew I was really pissed with him, and he was showing himself to be the better man for acknowledging that.

Unlikely, when I read that e mail it brought back memories for me of my own h. My h has remained aloof and cut off from his family and peers because he is so much more emotionally developed; on such a higher plane in life than everybody else. He too is roaming around a minebelt, unable to cope with his higher intellect which is such a burden for him because it isolates him from the world and keeps him in a perpetual tormented state. Nobody understands him - he is doomed to spend his life as one who can forsee every outcome and therefore all human behaviour is mundane and subject to his pity.
And that includes me.

When I met my h he was an immigrant Irish bar man who had escaped an appaling 80's economy in Ireland. I was a newly qualified teacher who had narrowly avoided moving overseas with an arse of a bf. H had made arrangements to move back to Ireland when I turned up on the scene (having met through ex). He cancelled his return home, quickly became my 'soul mate' and within 3 months we were married. Within the first 2 years of our marriage I became deeply unhappy, yet was unable to put my finger on what exactly the problem was. I visited a friend in Egypt; a best friend who h had taken a great dislike to and discredited relentlessly. I remember being so unhappy but not knowing why. I had a fling with a bloke while there. It made returning to my own life so much harder. I was young, was not in good contact with my family, and was determined to try to 'fix' whatever it was that seemed to be the problem with me that made me unhappy.

Now I am 42. I have 3 children that I am consciously aware I have a life long responsibility towards. I look back on my early married years, with the knowledge that I have now about NPD, and I see the start of what was to become. I could have gotten out years ago, but having children changes things, for a woman, anyway. I stayed and endured a lot of shite thinking that I could make things better, that I had a duty to stay with the father of my children. Now I have finally had the guts to take control (at 42!!) I won't be going back. I don't regret staying with h since that holiday in Egypt as I went on to have my 3 beautiful babies, but I do remember how I felt back then, and ffs, I was right! Better late than never eh?

Hey Therealme you have done so well and are now on the road to freedom!

I found your story and Unlikely's incredibly interesting. My ExN has reacted slightly differently in that he hasn't cut himself off since our split but gathered more people to him. Re-kindled old friendships by being nice to people he'd previously discarded and his first priority was to find a new woman, it could have been anyone as long as she looked OK, was successful and financially solvent and vulnerable enough to fall for his sob stories.

My ExN doesn't believe he has a higher intellect but that he is "special" and that he has been put on this Earth to achieve great things but due to terrible bad luck and people fucking him over, Not His Fault, he has been prevented from achieving his potential which is basically to amass as much wealth and power with as little effort as possible. Even better getting other people to do it for him!

As for dealing with your ex (you can call him that now!)therealme, on the narcissistic survivor websites, the advice is usually to go NC "no contact". Like me, you can't do this as your ExN lives nearby and needs to see DC's. However, you can still limit the contact and quality of it as much as possible.

My ExN uses the two handover times each week to either blast me with charm or to devalue me, depends on his mood at the time. Always running through my mind I am saying to myself "do not engage, do not engage". So he'll say something like, "god you haven't been looking after the dog since I left she's got really fat". I smile sweetly and say "funny that's not what other people have said" or some such but not getting into any kind of discussion. Then he gets no supply!!

Unlikely, your ExN sounds textbook NPD. May I ask why he mentioned NPD in his e-mail - had he an inkling that this might be his problem?

Also I can fully understand why you'd feel sorry for him if you didn't know the circumstances. Being the types of people we are (N-targets)it's written to make you feel that way. I could feel myself wanting to reach out to help him, I suspect this is how we might be programmed.

Just so glad we're all of us out of it, though we'll each be dealing with the fallout for years I expect.

Keep strong and well done Therealme!