Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

just marking my place.

op, you are breaking though for you. hugs and all that.

therealme, I don't know anything about npd but have just read this thread and am worrying about you.

Are you ok? Have you found anywhere safe to go?

Hi there Therealme, I haven't read all your replies here on mumsnet, but I'm really glad to see you here! It's your pal here from RC. (we've pmd, we have a lot in common, just switch the countries and snap "do you know who I am yet?" rolf harris accent ).

I'm so glad to see you on this board, as the volume of posters here is ten times what it is on r. I feel like the 'npd' expert on r, but all the things I've said to you, I learnt from the maestros here on MN. SolidGold, Dittany, Mamazon and others who have such a chrystal clear understanding of emotional abuse.

I'm wondering what are the logistics of leaving now... can I be so bold as to talk practicalities?

What are your options? Could you stay with your Mum in England? Do you have enough money in your account to pay for flights? Do you have a car?

You understand your husband so well, you are so aware, and yet it's like you're dazzled and paralysed by the glare of the obvious spotlight. You know it but you can't move.

We need to get you past this!

TheRealme, you know where I live, because I mentioned it in a PM. Do you live anywhere near me? We could meet tomorrow. You know I live with my parents, but they are away for a few days, and if you need somewhere to stay monday, tues, wednesday night, you are welcome to stay with me for a few days, I'm only sorry it's only three days, but in that time, we could sort you out, you could leave some stuff here if you like, book flights, you could post back to the uk what you can't carry...

If that sounds all too much, sorry for coming on too strong. Once again, if you live anywhere near to D or W then let me know and we can just meet for a coffee or near a playground. I don't want to be another person telling you what to do, but I agree with your assessment that you have 'stalled'. You are so intelligent and so aware........ you say you are 42, well, you have another 30 something years left to live. We need to talk about practicalities. I know* it's not easy. So let's try and thrash through some things that could be done.

madamAx

ps, digitalis, omg, I think my dc1 is the golden child. She also seems to make a big deal out of minor injuries.

Good tip about laughing with the children. I know sometimes my dc laugh at my jokes and you're all right, npds don't usually have the ability to make people laugh.

Ah Maggie, you found me! Yes I came here looking for knowledge from those who have lived my life - and I found it. It is helping to put the pieces together, to stay one step ahead of him. I have never held out for this long before, I usually slide back into submission and become his personal slave. His threats and punishments usually work so I don't know what is going to happen next iykwim?

As for this evening....the dc are still awake so he has stayed away from me so far. But I am getting texts from him as I type telling me he will be looking for sex - I'm replying 'No' - he's saying you like saying no so it will make you feel good....You get the picture?
I will put the dc to bed and stay in their room.

As for leaving now; my dd doesn't have her new passport yet. I will be looking for a new house when the oldest 2 dc go back to school in 3 weeks. I can hold out till then - I have to. I've put up with this for so long, a few more weeks and I'll be free.

But Maggie, I do so appreciate your offer of help. I have been overwhelmed by how much people have offered help to me, I have found it hard to stop being so self sufficient. Coping on my own is what I have always done. Certainly I would love to meet up with you at home.

Hi, therealme, I have been watching your thread, and I'm a little worried for you tonight. He has been taking drugs that usually put him in the mood for rough sex - I really hope it doesn't, but please call for help/police if it gets out of control.

Sorry if I'm out of line, but your last couple of posts are ringing alarm bells.

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Sorry, just figured out. Rented house. NOt owned. that is better, you can all just move on without him. Get the gaurds involved from the word go. Can you rent storage space to move valuables and necessities into ? as he's not going to just watch you pack and let you walk out the door.

Probably when you've got all your stuff out, you can escape....

It's good to have a few weeks to plan. hang in there

Got through last night ok, although no sleep. Slept on my ds's bed with him, was woken by h several times during night but was able to fend him off with persistance. I'm dead on my feet today though and everything is 10 times worse when you're tired.

Maggie, yes, I am planning to up sticks and get out. As soon as I find new accommodation I will contact my family who have agreed to fly over and help with the move. In the meantime I am offloading as much clutter as I can to make this easier. It looks like I am being very efficient at spring cleaning, the majority of it is being done while h is away at work on overnights.
Do you think I should pay a visit to the guards when I have a moving date? Will they provide assistance if things get messy?

Hi again, good for you. You sound industrious! I went through this too, pretty similar. I had flights booked for a wedding in Ireland, and about a month before flying I knew I wouldn't be returning. I spent the fortnight before I flew going back and forth to the post office. It was hard, it was a long month....... but it's behind me now.

I'm glad to hear your family will be coming over to support you. It'll spell out loud and clear to him that you mean business and this isn't some game.

Definitely go to the gaurds. You don't have to press charges, but show them the texts and say that you are afraid of him now, and that you will be particularly scared of his reaction when you leave on such and such date and that you would like them to be on stand-by in case he tries to physically prevent you from leaving.. You could say that you're leaving now because he's transfering the bullying and controlling from you to your 11 yr old child. If they weren't paying attention before, that would make them take their pencil off the top of their ear! But I reckon they will reassure you.

And even if all they really do is put you in touch with the local women's aid, it'll be typed up and entered on to computer records somewhere... not charges against him, but your very reasonable fears.

They were kind enough when I went to see them. I'll be honest and tell you that it isn't the met!! their training isn't on a par with the UK, and they probably won't know what a narcissist is, but they will know all about 'bully boys'.. and they will take you seriously. Especially if you give them the date of your move.

Hello therealme

From my experience, the ONLY thing that Ns are likely to take notice of are the police or judges.

I had a stalking/ threatening / violent ex-N and the only thing that stopped him was a harassment warning from the police. This put his job at risk, and the knowledge that I meant business actually got through his stupid thick skull and had an effect.

They only respect what they fear. You have to find the thing they fear and hit them with it.

If you have been their supply for so many years then the only way you can get them to fear you is to use the authorities.

They are very, very stupid, but very, very arrogant. Find his achilles heel and just use it to your advantage.

xxxx

Hi Therealme

I know you don't live in England so it's probably quite different. I went to the police a couple of weeks before leaving. I had already pinpointed the date in advance so that I could book time off work, get plans made etc. Because my ex had hit me on only one occasion some months before, I was worried that he migth turn violent when I left. I talked to the Domestic Violence Unit and told them everything and made a non-incident report for the time (7 months earlier) when he had hit me.

The police did not notify him of this but it was all on computer and all I had to do if Ex became violent on leaving was to phone the DV Unit and they'd immediately call up my records and come out. This applied not only to me but my children and parents too.

As it happened Ex was only verbally aggressive not physically so I didn't need to call them but it did give peace of mind.

What I would warn you though is that apparently in England if any woman makes a report like me the social services are immediately tipped off. In the event, I never heard from them so perhaps my children were graded low-risk. However, I made sure that I played down any risk to my children as I did not want SS involved.

Hope this helps, you are doing so well!

Thinking of you, therealme. Hope you're getting through these difficult days. Better things are coming!

Therealme,

wanted to join in sending thoughts and courage. A friend of mine has what I now think (from reading this thread) is an NPD ex-partner - certainly lots of manipulation, lying, denying it all, general mindgames... so wanted to say well done you for getting out! Good luck with it all, there are a lot of people here thinking of you.

Thank you so much Nickname and Aldegirl, your words of support mean so much. Every day I link into this site and the one I use back home and when people reply it so helps to keep me focused. I never really used sites like these in the past - aren't they just brilliant?! I have learned so much about NPD, real relevent stuff broken down into examples that I can identify with. The info on this topic that I have read on line was illuminating, but having doubted everything I know for so long, I had lost the ability to go with my gut instinct, my feelings, my judgement. Having chatted with Unlikely, Digitalis and Gettingagrip to name but a few, I am now confident that my h has a personality disorder and I am justified in my decision to get the hell out!

If only I had known this info years ago...? PD's seem to have quite devestating results on the uninformed family (and indeed can still headwreck those who are wise to them, so it seems.) I will never, never forget the day I was directed by a poster on the site where I live to google NPD. It was quite literally a life changing moment for me. I have since met up with this lady and we are in regular rl contact. Because she knows the real therealme I have found making a friendship with her so easy. It makes me hopeful that when I disentangle myself from this mess I will be able to forge proper friendships with people where I don't have to hold back half of me. I'm looking forward to discovering who I really am!

The daily crap from h continues, but I can see through it now. He brought a photo of ds 1 in to me this morning and commented about how much he looked like h's friend (ie, ds isn't his child.) I let it all wash over me. I keep reminding myself that I am halfway through the dark tunnel that will eventually bring me out to a new and better life. I'm starting to imagine how I will furnish my new home the way I want; it's the little things like this, and your support, that keep me going. x

Just keep coming on here - you'll get so much support from everyone.

You're very, very brave.....

That's wonderful, therealme. I get a real sense from you that there's no going back, only steady progress forwards to that new life that is out there waiting for you.

We're all with you, therealme, I had a stereotypical NPD ex, try and fight to stay mentally focused when he's doing all he can to up-end you mentally; a better life is on its way to you, it's coming down the track, stay tuned in with mentally sound people, whether online or in RL to keep perspective, you can and will do this, lots of love

Therealme -- I spent seventeen years feeling that I was being destroyed. His infidelity woke me up, plus finding all sorts of info on personality disorders when some little voice inside me told me that it couldn't possibly be all my fault.

Thanks for the links to the psycho boards, whoever posted them.

Digitalis regarding your daughter (31 July post) I think the hypochondriac behaviour and the whole getting people to pay attention constantly thing with Ns is a habit that can be modified in a child. It's a symptom of lack of confidence in herself she feels she's not enough in school to keep friends or to keep people genuinely interested in her, so she creates some drama, some 'specialness' about herself -- the sling, the imaginary broken toe. She feels something missing within herself. You shouldn't indulge this symptom, but don't address it directly in a harsh way either. Try to 'catch her being competent' at things and give her adequate praise, nothing over the top. Try a chart with stars for household chores she accomplishes. Give a small reward. Girls her age like to be included in cooking or crafts a mother can teach. There's nothing like a sense of accomplishment, competence, and growing self discipline to engender self confidence in a gentle way, so she won't have to puff herself up and end up feeling worse about herself than she already does (because she knows she's faking in front of her peers and that doesn't feel good).

Just updating everyone on recent developments.
Yesterday morning I was woken up downstairs by h lying on top of me (again) looking to get his needs met. I refused, he didn't take it too well. He started on at me with the usual abuse, how I had brought things on myself, I would suffer as a result blah blah.
But I stuck my ground. I refused to accept his blame and I out argued him. His parting words before he left for work were 'If you take my kids away from me I will put you in the ground, you fcking cnt, I will bury you.' He then took my mobile phone, the kids phones and my lap top and hid them. I'm only posting this because I guessed the password to gain access to his while he's in work (wasn't hard - knew it had to be one of 3 insulting names he has for me!)

This morning I went to the Guards and reported the threat. They took it seriously, it's now on record.
Next Wednesday my mum is flying over to look after my dc while I go to the courts on Thursday (with the support of womens aid) to apply for a Safety Order and a Barring Order.

I will remain in the house protected by an intirim protection order until a court hearing which will probably be in October sometime. I know there is only a slim chance that a Barring Order will be granted because there is no physical violence against me (I almost wish there was - I'd swap the last 17 years for a beating any day of the week) but this means I don't have to house search in secret if it is refused.

I really don't know what way my h will react when he gets this news on Thurs, but at least my mum will be here for a few days. There will be some form of backlash, but my h would be afraid of the prospect of being arrested, he could loose his job.

So that's it for now. I'm shit scared! But I'm doing something at long, long last.

Hello therealme

keep going. Just think that this will all be over soon. You are doing so well. You have no choice though. you have to just keep going.

Well done going to the guards. It's good that your mother is coming. Just keep posting. We are all here for you.

xxxxxx

Hi gettingagrip, and thank you!
I feel like I have passed a point of no return now.
I have never stood up for myself to this level before. I'm taking control of my life and tbh, I'm shit scared!