Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

Oh yes, I forgot to wish you well for the birthday!! I bet your cake's gorgeous.

Interesting that he recognised the Narcissist in himself! I guess he would find it interesting ... after all, it's about him

The comment about high status women rang a bell for me. I had the feeling quite early on with exH that I had been some sort of 'prize' he felt he had secured from foreign shores to bring home to his mother. He actually said to me when he first asked me out that he hadn't done so before because he was sure I was dating some high flying professional and wouldn't give him the time of day. He had ideas about me that weren't based in reality at all, but they all related back to how he felt about himself.

Wow, BA, thanks for the Sam Vaknin reference! I'm not sure I want to read much of it: the man finds himself so fascinating, he doesn't need my head-space as well. Quite an insight

Everything he says is 'straight from the horse's mouth'. He described my ex to a T though.

I am so glad this thread exists. I have been in counselling for 2 years, and what led me there was the effect of living with my N husband. Counselling is so useful because it enables you to look into all the things that made you the person you are and has placed you in the situations you have been in in life. I still find it hard to explain N behaviour and how it basically screws you up (to put it bluntly), so it is good to hear other people's experiences.

I also feel that I fitted into a particular category for my H when we met (smart, independent, reasonably attractive). But things like how I look went on to be constantly used against me as the years went by being told you are getting old, too old to expect all the 'love' rubbish in life, losing your looks etc.....(and not so impressive to have on his arm, therefore - my words).

I now think of him as a sort of robot!!!! I was told for years that 'all this crap about people caring for other people is not real. But they are cold people, after all.

Just read the Sam Vaknin link. It is good. I just didn't get it for years with my H until I spoke to a counsellor about it all. I kept trying for years to have a fulfilling relationship (a marriage) with my H but it just wasn't possible. I know I have been something to him that has been useful and functioning - but nothing deeper.

I still find it very difficult to accept that my husband does not love me. How do you know when someone loves you?
I know my sons do. Are Narcissists incapable of any love?
He sheds his girlfriends very easily with apparently no regrets. I think he uses them for attention/admiration. He appears to care for his sons by his previous marriage. He walked away from them, but did support them financially as he does me. His now adult sons barely speak to him and usually forget his birthday and Xmas. His parents disowned him. His mother found him lodgings when he was 16 and still at school. He has no real male friends only girlfriends who are all very impressed by him. Perhaps he feels only responsibility, for me as he did for his sons. Does he just see me as an extension of himself which he will maintain financially? He wants everyone to think he is the perfect father and husband. It is sad to never have been loved.

autumnlight. like you I was the trophy-wife. Good looks are not always a blessing. There is always someone younger, cleverer and prettier that he can compare you with. I strive to look my best which has many benefits, but I know it is a losing battle.

I am slowly coming to terms with my circumstances thanks to this site. Today so far I have been happy. Husband comes late for his birthday.

BA, you identified some very good markers in your post above: his immediate family distancing themselves from him; his choice to be friendly only with those who admire him & can be manipulated. I think the anser to all your questions is: yes.

It is sad to have never been loved, fully and for who you are. There is hope though! You are, indeed, slowly coming to terms with your truths; I'm very impressed!

The birthday may not be as bad as you expect - if he realises you're moving out of his sphere of influence, he might try a charm offensive
However the weekend goes, I wish you well and good speed with your process.

If they weren't so superficial, they would maybe not care so much about looks. They would love you for the person you are. My H has never done this - he did everything to eradicate my personality with abuse. I realise other men like nice-looking women also but you hope there is something more to it than that. I believe there is though with my N husband. It isn't just about looks - I cannot compete with younger women. I am middle-aged now and am now trying to get myself into better shape physically (this helps my self-esteem I must add. It is not to do with him). What my H is interested in is having someone love and adore him. It is, I think, irrelevant, whether or not he has strong feelings for me (not that I think it is possible for him to love anyone properly). When we got together I showed him I loved and adored him every day (because that is how I felt). So he had someone who was loving and very caring towards him.

The joke is that one of the favourite things he has said over the years is 'I don't give a f...' and that is right - he really doesn't. Oh dear!!!!!!!!!!!!! But at least knowing this has stopped me going quite so insane!!!!!!!

Autumn - how's your exit plan coming along?

Hi again.
My husband once said that the difference between me and his "girlfriends" is that I really love him. I think he realises I know he has NPD, and have loved him in spite of it, whereas they are taken in by his seductive charm and don't know the real him. He is oh so charming to other women. I do not want him to have control of this marriage. If it is going to end, I want to have some part in deciding the timing. I have to pretend to be loving which I find so difficult. I learnt to be manipulative because of my mother's abuse. I learnt to flatter her, "suck up" even. I hated myself for it and still despise manipulation. I can see that it has some place in my situation now. I am happy to have secrets from him. It feels less victim-like, a sort of revenge. I would be too fearful to take actual revenge as he would want to crush me.

You're wise, BA Good luck.

I have read about one third of this thread, and I think I may have come home.

Some of the strangest things are so familiar.

Cats! He detests them, throws rocks at them with a real intent to hurt.

I thought he was gay when I first met him too! How strange!

And cocoa pops!! Brilliant. That was a major act of defiance! Poor ds, his golden girl, has only been allowed unsweetened porridge with chopped banana. So now it's cocoa pops, sugar puffs and the rest!

Ha!

"He has no real male friends only girlfriends who are all very impressed by him. Perhaps he feels only responsibility, for me as he did for his sons. Does he just see me as an extension of himself which he will maintain financially? He wants everyone to think he is the perfect father and husband." This is such a true picture of an N. The girlfriends are like satellites, and yes, you and his children are extensions of himself, and he is concerned with how he is perceived. An important element of how they are perceived, to them, is having an 'appropriate' looking piece of arm-candy to display as a status symbol. So if you gain baby weight or do what everyone does and simply look your age as you get older, the illusion of their marvellousness is ruined by the reality of how you look, which is the only real thing about you, as far as they're concerned.

Saddest, the Sam Vaknin link has a reference to 'cerebral narcissists' mostly being gay and closeted.He doesn't go into it much, but puts himself in that category.

Nothing to do with the current conversation - but I've just said to myself "I hate him", for the first time, about XH#2 ... ten years later! (Yes, I know I'm slow!) I've felt angry - plenty of angry - and I've felt wronged, but this is the first time I've felt the special combination of fury, resentment & contempt that makes up "hate". I know I have to move beyond hate, and I'm sure I will do it quickly, but this particular moment is important. It has a lot to do with this forum; notably, this thread.

Cheers

My narcasistic ex always used to say to me ''it's up to you how you feel'' and ''you chose everything that happens to you.'' there is a grain of truth in these statements but really they mean ''I can treat you however you want and not be accountable for it.''

Anyone else feel like meeting and staying with their narcasist was the bigggest mistake ever?

blimey study the lyrics

Even the music rages then feels sorry for itself.

UA - Did Freddie write it? That would totally make sense :D
Let's face it, Rock God is one of the few ideal careers for a narcissistically-disordered person ... alongside cult guru, national dictator (preferably 'elected' by single-candidate, compulsory, 'democratic' vote), Donald Trump and mobile-phone-throwing supermodel

Posh - the day I met XH#2, the small voice inside my mind actually said "He will destroy you if you let him." I am very sorry to my Small Voice for ignoring it - it was right, it's always right, and I hope I will never doubt it again!

The day before our wedding, I couldn't stop shaking & crying. He came to sit with me (and persuade me to go ahead). I kept thinking up reasons why I was unsure about marrying him - but ignoring the VERY LOUD message from myself: that I was terrified of sharing my life with him!

When he walked out on me, Small Voice said "At last! The final rejection! After so many, it's over!!" This time I didn't ignore it. I was a devastated wreckage, but as soon as the front door closed I picked up the phone to tell HIS mother & sister it was over. I knew he wouldn't "offer" to come back, as that was humiliating to him.

Regret? I resent every bloody minute of those years. I was living with a master gaslighter, and working for the template Narcissistic Boss. I'm not allowed ro regret it though, because those two showed me where I was weak and what I needed to learn.

It was a fucking expensive lesson though. I lost literally everything.

XH#2's name is Jon. Mad Boss's name is Peter. I am not afraid of naming them, there is no more hurt to come from them, and I shall never again feel I must hide or gloss over anyone's abuse.

Lawyering is another profession that has its fair share of them, imo.

Mama, just killed a man/ put a gun against his head, pulled the trigger now he's dead/ Mama, life had just begun/ But now I've gone and thrown it all away...
I always wondered what he was doing crying to his mama and feeling sorry for himself when he had just killed someone... My ex could have written this song, but he would have used three long, obscure words where one short one would have done just fine.

Yes Posh, biggest and worst mistake was staying. I had plenty of reasons to call a halt to it from the earliest days, but I am too persistent for my own good sometimes.

nothing really matters

to them

Freddie Mercury wrote the lyrics "Bismillah" is literally means "In the name of Allah." The word "Scaramouch" means "A stock character that appears as a boastful coward."

"Beelzebub" is one of the many names given to The Devil.

pass the gin

At least he knew. Heart Freddie

grace naming is a very big part of the recovery process. I still have no idea about him () but well done you.

mathanxiety - re. looks. I would not recommend being married to an N when, like me, you are ten years older than him!!!!! It has given him a major weapon to use against me.