44 messages to one number in one day - I feel sick

[LadyOfWaffle]

Dh has a contract phone, I get the bill (I got it for him). Just opened it and there is a number cropping up all over the place. Some days is a steady stream. One day is 44 messages. DH claims it must be our childminder (who only picks DS up from here, drops him at school, picks him up and drops him home again). DH hasn't text me the childminders no. yet to 'confirm'. I just don't know what to do. I called the no. and it sounds like her... but then if it is, why does he text her so much? SHe wouldn't look at him twice, and is getting back with her husband. DH has been very nasty the last 2 days from nowhere. He hasn't been like this for years. I don't know what to do

kimi - I am depressed Sorry cannot think straight today - tired - keep forgetting what everyones said by the time i get to the bottom of the page and breastfeeding/one handed typing isn't helping!

he has text & said he's booking relate

There is no way I am moving nursery, I'd rather beg for lifts - it's perfect. I really do not think she was at fault, he was the one IMO keeping the conversation going. I can't stop him having friends, just gutted about the secrecy/lies.

Have you see the Dr?
Sweetheart I hope you don't mind but I looked at your profile and I see a lovely young woman blessed with two beautiful children, who deserves better then the treatment she is getting.

Now I hhave friends, as does the other half how ever that many text is extream, and his treatment of you over them is disrespectful.

I do not want to add to your hurt, but I am sure given half a chance he would sleep with her, also she has some of the blame as if someones husband sent me 44 texts in one day I would not reply, she liked it and encouraged it.

The only person not to blame here is you

Yep, been on and off ADs etc. I am at a stage now where I don't need ADs, just have my own things I have to do/avoid etc.

He has text and said he has rung relate and they are sending forms.

I guess I'll have to see how that pans out... Only a few more weeks of the CM then it's summer holidays. Hopefully by sept. i'll have passed my test.

so sorry about this LOW>
I am lost though. Has he admitted to seeing bitch face child minder?
was it a sexual or emotional affair?
hope it all sorts out in a way htat is good for YOU

No affair - just too many texts, both obviously chuffed and flattered (though she wouldn't touch him with bargepole).

I can only reiterate that Relate will likely not counsel you both together because this relationship is at heart an abusive one.

I would suggest going to Relate on your own and certainly not with him in attendance.

The ongoing depression you have is caused primarily by him and his awful behaviours over this past couple of years. At the very least your H and your CM have conducted an emotional affair.

You have continued/permitted to let all the underlying problems blow over with one result being that you're in a bad place now. One day though you will wake up fully and wonder why the hell you did not leave sooner.

You and your children deserve far better than he honestly. But you cannot see it which to me is very sad.

What happened to that woman riding that horse so confidently?. She's still in there somewhere underneath all the crap her H has shovelled upon her.

LoW, why do you think the CM wouldn't go near your H?

Emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical ones. Why all the text messages between the two of them?. They have both acted inappropriately here; they crossed the employer/employee line and abused your trust.

Can you really call it an affair? They say they were talking about her car (I know it broke down recently/plays up) & her husband coming back.

CM just seems ... yummy mummy I guess. Confident/pretty/ has her own attractive H who is making a go of it again. My H (who she has met 2 or 3 times?) is just ... well, he's is the chubby side of podgy to start with! & I think she may be about 40 (says H)

I dunno what to do about relate now...

This is such a sad thread, you seem so passive and withdrawn and like you have given up. Your H seems to have control over everything, he manages the CM (a little too well), you don't have a phone, you don't have access to money/cards on tap and I am sure you could add to this list.

You really need to take some control here. Sack that CM off. Your nursery clearly isn't perfect as it is miles away from home! Is it definitely not walk-able? Even if it is 30mins or so at this time of year that would be a great way of getting out of the house. Or find a taxi company, surely it wouldn't be much more than the CM.

DO NOT go to relate - it will ONLY make it WORSE

I can guaruntee that - and anyway, if you told them you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, they wouldn't help you.

If you go to Relate, he'll be justified in his actions and get worse - you'll think you deserve it because the counselling says so and it'll get much, much worse....

Just don't do it. Please.

You do have a say in all these decisions you know.
Why not think about what you want and tell him.
As far as I can see he is making all the decisions in your life together and you foolow.
Can you not start taking control and owning some of your life.

Will they say he is justified then?

44 texts in one day, 15/16 texts on other days is way too many for people who have only met 2 or 3 times. Is your H a mechanic - Is that why she was asking him for help about her car? Is your H a councellor - is that why she was asking him for help regarding her H?

Please listen to the advice you are getting on here. You are in a really unhealthy & damaging relationship and hopefully now will be the start of finding the best way out - for you and for your gorgeous DC. You are so young and you have so much to offer.

NOt a mechanic but knows abit about cars... I guess it started with her saying one day it had broken down so DS couldn't go to nursery. Now it's clonking apparently. I keep thinking and thinking but I just go round in circles

what do you want to happen?

Imagine it's next summer; what are you doing in your life? you've passed your driving test and got a car.....

what else?

how many driving lessons have you had? how close are you to taking the test?

ok
so to recap:

you have no car, no transport , no access to money, no way of getting food or your DS to nursery. you don't know if your house is in negative equity or no, you are being kept on a very short leash,aren't you?

and this is not just odd behaviour out of the blue, it is a cycle that is being perpetuated thorughout your marriage ,a gain and again

your DH has been having some sort of inappropriate relationship with a CM, who frankly should have told him to feck off.. i would not be keeping my child within her care.

you are 22

that means you could have another 60 years married to this man.

does that fill you with dread or happiness?

don't be scared, you need to take stock, and see that you can do this, like lulumama said it's not going to last another 6 yrs let alone 60. Who would want that? I am sure you don't?

You are really young and you have so much life left.

I am in different circs, my ex left me, left me in a terrible way, and left me a right mess. yet although it's been very hard, i did come throught it. I look back now and it's taken me 3 yrs to see how he was undermining me. He wasn't a mean person, or an abusive person, but he had underlying probs, that affected the way he sometimes behaved. I lovedhim very much, but now i can see how the reality of our situation, had become a 'norm' for me.

You know what, i even learnt to drive. ME!! I was so determined, and so bloody proud of myslef for the first time in yrs.

The whole thing, him leaving, me doing stuff by myslef was terrifiying, bittersweet, sad and hard, but i am still here.

I totally agree about not going to relate. Relate is suggested too quickly these days.

It doesn't make unreasonable men totally change their behaviour. It's not a personality transplant. I went to relate with my x and he nodded here and there and answered some of the questions quite cageily, I knew he was holding back what he really though, then when we came out he trashed everything they'd suggested and grouchily accused them of being biased to women of course as though he were a victim and a martyr of a Women's World, the lone voice of reason in a World of stupid women who just didn't know their place, and wanted to be treated equally ffs. Total waste of money, but I resent the time more now.

You're only 22? What a complete waste of your life

Ideally by next summer I'd have passed my test, be more independant which in turn may help with the depression, which will help me be more independant, which will help... etc. etc. if you see what I mean. DS2 will be coming up 2, so 6 months on from that I'll be thinking about a teaching access course. Hopefully by next summer (sooner really) he will be in a better routine/less clingy so I can get started with something else to get me back into the swing of education. WRT H and I, I see it no different to last week. Just 2 happy people, planning our longer term future, doing family things, supporting eachother in our own personal goals , and day to day... I think "well, it's only been a few days he's gone funny again" but then this texting has been since May (most of the early ones were prob. just about DS though, I remember most of those I think), mainly I guess the past week it got silly.

I can drive - I have had...6 lessons. I had passed my theory but it ran out - as soon as the CB comes in I am booking my theory again. I need to re-cap with the normal driving and learn manoeuvres than I should be OK to test.

do you really think you are 2 happy people , planning a future and supporting each other?

i see a miserable, depressed, deflated young woman being kept down by her controlling, absuive and manipulative H

but maybe i have it all wrong, and he is a sweet, charming man who loves and adores you and is a great father and husband

but going from what you write here, i don't think that is the case

or he might love you one day, but then not the next, he withdraws his affection and threatens divorce at the drop of a hat

nothing wrong with texting the CM to make sure Ds is ok, or to check pick up time.. but 44 times a day.. why not just farking call her?? unless he and she did not want their conversations overheard?

you have no car, no transport , no access to money, no way of getting food or your DS to nursery. you don't know if your house is in negative equity or no, you are being kept on a very short leash,aren't you?

I can access money if I want to - I just do not use my card, we share our money so it makes sense as he puts petrol in/does shopping/pays bills that he has my card too. I'll lose it - I managed to lose it when he gave it to me last Saturday hence the new one coming in the post (which I will keep and try not to lose!). The negative equity thing is just because I do not know it's worth today - all downstairs is bare plaster etc., plus when we got a loan it was quite alot, about 75% probably of the equity then. If I wanted control of the finances I could have it - I just find it hard to call people so H deals with the bills (I still know what's paid, how much, when etc., just don't do the calling) and either he shops alone or with me and the DSs, never me alone. When I'm driving I'll obviously need more money etc. and do the shopping

at the age of 22 you should not have to ask your H to look after your card, has he convinced you are not able to look after it>

did you lose your card, or did he hide it?

this is not a relationship based on equality

he can go off with his mates, taking the cash cards and leave you to stew

you can't do that

I lost it. I remember putting it somewhere thinking "I'm gonna lose it" and I did. My new one has just arrived, I'll actually use my wallet and try and keep track of it , instead of putting it in pockets/bags loose.