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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

44 messages to one number in one day - I feel sick

342 replies

LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 14:18

Dh has a contract phone, I get the bill (I got it for him). Just opened it and there is a number cropping up all over the place. Some days is a steady stream. One day is 44 messages. DH claims it must be our childminder (who only picks DS up from here, drops him at school, picks him up and drops him home again). DH hasn't text me the childminders no. yet to 'confirm'. I just don't know what to do. I called the no. and it sounds like her... but then if it is, why does he text her so much? SHe wouldn't look at him twice, and is getting back with her husband. DH has been very nasty the last 2 days from nowhere. He hasn't been like this for years. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 22:07

Illcall them when DS2 is asleep. Hopefully it doesn't cost too much, I have pay as you go phone. I dunno what else to do

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 26/06/2009 22:16

sorry, thankyou everyone x

OP posts:
liahgen · 26/06/2009 22:24

low please don't say sorry to us. Everyone deserves to be happy and respected and to me it seems you are neither.

I truly hope you can find the strength, lots of us have in the past, there is happiness and normality out there.

Also lovely to see you oj hope you and the dc's are well.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 27/06/2009 08:05

LOW - how ironic your acronym spells how you must be feeling.

Today is a new day.

I feel he has worn you down so much that you feel you can't do any of these things that you mention, control your own money, etc etc.

This is not the example of a loving and equal relationship that you would want for your children.

Most people are going to say leave him but you need to put things in place so that you can do this without him undermining you.

I was with someone who treated me badly and I put up with it as I didn't feel I deserved any better. Even now, even though I have a truly amazing husband, I still manage to ruin things because that is what I am used too.

Don't let any more of your life pass by with this poor excuse for a human being.

ellielou02 · 27/06/2009 08:18

How are you today low as ingles2 has said you have got some great advice here and maybe seeing it in black and white take a step back and see it from an outsider's perspective and it goes alot deeper, I hope you make the right decision and do the best thing for you and your DC you deserve alot better than this man. sending hugs

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 27/06/2009 08:35

He came back about 11.30 last night. I am so weary I haven't got the energy to be upset/angry. He is at work today for the next 7 - I have text and said I want to go to marriage counselling . Whatever happends I guess it needs to start there. DO they make you go anyway if you want to divorce?

I always see LOW and smile, didn't think of that when I made my name up

OP posts:
AnarchyAunt · 27/06/2009 08:52

Oh love I have just read through this and have to echo what everyone else is saying.

This is not normal, its not ok, and you do not have to put up with it. You deserve respect that you are not geting from this man.

Your DH is being a cock. 44 texts to CM in a day is fishy and their explanantions are not good enough.

You do not come across as 'mad' on MN believe me. That is a classic abusive tactic, to undermine your confidence in your ability/right to care for your children in such a way.

You should have access to the money that is rightfully yours/your DC's. The withholding of is one of the biggest danger signs here IMO. Keep that card when it comes.

There are places you can go to, people who can help you. How did the call to WA go? If you can't call because you don't have enough credit, then CAT me your phone number and network and I'll put some credit on it from a cash machine for you.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 27/06/2009 09:02

OH no no, I am OK for credit... well, I was worried it would eat through it but I am finem thankyou. I didn't call as H came home and I needed to clean up abit before the builders came and DS didn't go to sleep until gone 11! H doesn't withold money... he just has the cards. If I said "I want to keep my one" he'd be fine with it, just I don't use it. About relate he has said "that is something I don't want at the moment, can I think about it?" and (to "why?") "feel like I fail and that's our last hope. I'm not there yet". Hopefully I'll get abit more time tonight to give them a call ...

OP posts:
sleepycat · 27/06/2009 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SammyK · 27/06/2009 09:18

He is:

  • lying to you (as is CM)
  • undermining your confidence in being a mum
  • making out you are crazy
  • leaving you stuck at home with no transport and no means of getting to your own money (he has done this purposefully, why can't your bank card be in a house cupboard/drawer, he is keeping it from you in a knobhead passive aggressive way)
  • telling you off for talking with a friend about him

He wants you to feel useless and that everything is your fault so you stay and put up with this crappy behaviour. I'm not surprised you feel awful, I bet after the intial upheaval of leaving him you would feel like a weight had been lifted and be soo much happier. Definately call women's aid, they are really good.

I am so angry for you reading this thread, he is a total .

AnarchyAunt · 27/06/2009 09:32

I can't quite get my head round this - why on earth should he have the cards for your/your DC's money? What if you need some money urgently when he is not there? What if you needed some money for something that he didn't want you to have the money for? You say he does not 'withhold' the money, but if he has stomped off in a huff for the night and he has the cards for your account, and you have no money...

I don't think thats ok, and I don't think the other things you have described here are ok either. Look at the list LewisFan has posted and see how many you are experiencing. Don't feel this is better than the alternative.

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 27/06/2009 09:36

I am not making excuses but if I want to go anywhere he will leave the card - no questions. He will leave money for a taxi - well, he will leave the card - he doesn't give me a limit, as long as I don't spend all the money or something! If I said I wanted full control of all money and give him petrol money, he would say yes - I just let him deal with it ATM. But definatly this is not "all right". I am hoping Relate will pick up on this and tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 27/06/2009 09:41

I don't think he has ever stopped me getting something I really wanted... or stopped me having the cards, just doesn't think (which isn't right) that I am left with no money when he stomps off

OP posts:
Lulumama · 27/06/2009 09:44

can;t believe he is not ready for relate, when he is the one threatening divorce and to take your children

i can;t beleive you are are not raging and furious

you sound so worn down and defeated

taht is a bad sign

AnarchyAunt · 27/06/2009 09:46

But still - it depends on him agreeing to leave the card. He could, if he so chose, refuse to leave it. Say you had a huge argument that turned nasty, and you wanted to get the hell out with the DC for a few days. Can you be certain he would hand over the card? Even just day-to-day you cannot predict with certainty that you will not suddenly need the card.

As for not leaving you a limit, thats hardly a favour or a good thing, if it is the CTC/CB. That's money that belongs to you and your DC.

Marriage counselling will only help if he agrees to participate - not just go, but take an active part in dealing with issues and making any changes.

mrspnut · 27/06/2009 09:50

Relate is not suitable for your situation, he is using emotional control to keep you in your place and all relate will do is make him feel more justified.

Relate do not work with abusive relationships because their form of counselling is counter productive.

You should never have to ask for money nor for access to your own bank account.
You are making excuses (sorry to be harsh) but every page is covered with them. Half the time people do it to protect themselves because facing the reality of the situation is so incredibly difficult when you've been conditioned that what you're experiencing is normal.

If you want to go to relate then I suggest you go by yourself, it might help to open your eyes.

Lulumama · 27/06/2009 09:55

LoW, i have been on MN almost 3 years, in that time, i remember lots of threads from you about your H.

that is a loooooong time, things have not got better , they show no signs of getting better and he is not showing any signs of change

you are always the one making the effort, keeping the peace, doing the worrying, whilst he does whatever the hell he wants

you can make decisons

you don't have to live like this

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 27/06/2009 10:00

If he goes to relate then maybe it'll get better? I don't just want to walk out. I have nowhere to go anyway

OP posts:
Lulumama · 27/06/2009 10:02

why don;t you want to walk out? he is a terrible husband and father and role model for your boys

a man who behaves appallingly and suspiciously, threatens divorce and to take his children away from his wife at the first sign of an argument, runs off to his mates, leaves his wife alone with the children with no money, has been violent and emotionally abusive

don't leave today , but make steps to leave.

see a solicitor, see the CAB, find out your rights for housing, and benefits and move forward to a place of safety

i'm sure lewisfan who is an expert will tell you all you need to know

or pick up the phone and call womens aid

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 27/06/2009 10:10

I don't think I'd be housed as I have a home... I know from before the mortgage benefit is only after 8 or 9 months. It's so much easier just to let it blow over & I know it's wrong

OP posts:
Lulumama · 27/06/2009 10:16

you could sell the house, split any equity and move on

you could ask him to buy you out and move on

you could buy him out

you are clearly not happy and you can choose to do something about it

or let it blow over

until the next time, and the next time and the next time

seek legal advice at least so even if you don;t leave now, you know for sure what can happen should you take steps to leave and divorce him

Kimi · 27/06/2009 10:19

LOW, can I ask why you think it is ok for him to treat you this way

You say you are shy, do you think you may be depressed?
You do not drive and the nursery is to far to walk to, ok you need a closer one or a childminder who can keep her knickers up.

If you do not feel strong enough to throw this worthless man out of your life (and I would not want to stay with someone who told me they did not love me and treater me like shits) then at least bin the child minder, delete her number from his phone, make sure you have one of the cards at all times, get your self some counseling so you can get to a point in your life where you are strong enough to tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.

blinks · 27/06/2009 10:20

sweetheart, you're acting like a doormat.

does he have to fuck her in front of you before you realise something is going on?

Original poster
LadyOfWaffle · 27/06/2009 10:22

I think we may be negative equity because of a secured loan & the house is being done up so alot of concrete floors etc. I guess we can finish it & sell up, but it seems such a waste after so much work to get the house & make it a home. Silly I know in the scheme of things but it makes me sad. He would give me the house, but I couldn't afford all the bills - even if I worked full time. Alot to think about...

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SlartyBartFast · 27/06/2009 10:23

that's not nice. blinks
how are you low?