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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH 'play-fighting', but we're both half his size...

131 replies

EllieorOllie · 25/06/2009 23:48

I was going to name-change for this but I can't be bothered to faff around...

Basically, I am becoming more and more uncomfortable about my relationship with DH. Everyone sees us as this miracle couple, because we decided to keep our baby and build our relationship after getting pregnant after a very very short time together. 3 and a half years, a wedding and another baby later, things are really getting rocky. Or at least, they are as far as i'm concerned. There are lots of little niggles, and even a few more deep-seated doubts about our compatibility. He doesn't seem to see any of it, so maybe i'm just over-analysing (wouldn't be the first time!!)

But what i have the biggest problem with, and what is making me start to think about leaving, is one particular aspect of his treatment of our DD and also me, to a certain extent. He is a rugby player and very into 'ultimate fighting' - a big, muscly guy with knowledge of martial arts holds and chokes but no self-control. He frequently plays extremely rough and puts me and DD into wrestling holds and stuff. He is even exceptionally rough when he 'tickles'. I am always covered in bruises from what he sees as playfights and DD is constantly crying when he plays with her, to the point where i think she's getting quite scared of him. He's also very mean to her, 'joking' with her to the point where, as an over-sensitive toddler, she inevitably starts to cry.

I've tried to talk to him about it but he just rubbishes what i say, or says he's really sorry and then carries on behaving the same way!

Don't get me wrong, i'm not an abused spouse or anything, and he doesn't do this stuff in anger. However, i don't think i can go on being physically hurt and dominated, and i'm very worried about the effect it's having on his relationship with DD. I'm also concerned that she'll start to mimic his behaviour.

Any thoughts, similar experiences or advice gratefully appreciated...

OP posts:

CarpePerDiems · 25/06/2009 23:54

EllieorOllie, that's totally out of order. Sorry to be blunt, but if you're covered in bruises and are being physically hurt and dominated then, to my mind, you are an abused spouse. He's hurting you, you've asked him to stop, he's dismissed you. Whether he does it out of anger or not is irrelevant.

'Playfighting' with DD to the point that she cries, is hurt and scared is also utterly unacceptable. Choke holds are also a massive risk factor for serious damage or disability.

Nobody should hurt you, let alone your partner. The only advice I can give you is to ask him to stop or leave.

kitkatqueen · 25/06/2009 23:57

He needs to grow up and learn when to stop.

No similar experience, but he needs to listen up and "play" appropriatley.

This is not "ON". Put your foot down.

Shitemum · 25/06/2009 23:57

Maybe get your doctor to explain to him that he could quite easily break his child's neck.
He literally doesn't seem to know his own strength - perhaps you could suggest other ways of giving your DD attention or showing her affection?

dittany · 25/06/2009 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kitkatqueen · 25/06/2009 23:58

totally agree with carpeperdiems.

Original poster

EllieorOllie · 26/06/2009 00:07

As i re-read my message to preview it i kind of realised that i would probably say exactly what you guys are saying to me if someone else had posted...

Oh dear. I don't know what to do. He just doesn't listen. I've said to him time and time again that it's not ok. Today i shouted at him after i had to take DD upstairs for cuddles to calm her down after he had done some stupid wrestling move on her, and he went and sat on the 'naughty step' for 5 minutes, laughing all the time. Patronising idiot...

Actually i'm seeing our GP tomorrow, i could mention it to him. Interesting idea - it might have more of an impact coming from someone he has respect for.

I think the reason i don't see it as 'abuse' is because he's like a massive overgrown child. He's immature in quite a lot of ways, but this is by far its worst manifestation. The rest is just about liveable with.

I told him the other day that i wasn't sure if i could stay with him because of this, but it hasn't changed anything at all.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 26/06/2009 00:08

I agree with everyone else on here and I think you knew what the opinion would be.
Now you have some back up opinion it is time to call it.
Tell him you or you dd will not be treated like this anymore and if he thinks anythig of you he will respect you in this.

Original poster

EllieorOllie · 26/06/2009 00:10

It's how to make him listen, take me seriously and stop that i'm having the problem with i suppose...

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 26/06/2009 00:14

His instructors. Explain this all to THEM. Cos they won't be impressed,it's not supposed to be done out of class( martial arts)

kitkatqueen · 26/06/2009 00:15

Have you actually showed him the bruises and said " you are hurting me, its abusive and I want you to stop? If it continues i would not be out of line to call the police because you are endangering me and the children"?

If things are as bad as you say re your bruises and the distress your dd is expressing then you need to act before there is an accident.

kitkatqueen · 26/06/2009 00:18

Does he actually do martial arts / just know the moves?

If its the latter the get him to join a class somewhere as he would probably be really good at it and would probably gain a lot of self control.

macdoodle · 26/06/2009 00:20

Actually I am finding this thread quite scary - not sure what to say really makes my blood run quite cold for some reason, and I am normally a mouthy bolshy cow!
You sound like you are all in danger TBH

hambler · 26/06/2009 00:23

how about saying

" I don't like your playfights and neither does dd. I have told you this numerous times. Do it again and I am leaving you"

And mean it.

i am no expert on abuse or relationships but his sounds well dodgy

mrsboogie · 26/06/2009 00:23

On some level he may actually be giving vent to aggressive feelings and resentments in the guise of rough play. I say this because you have told him that he is hurting and scaring you and your child and he has continued regardless. Unless he is very very stupid indeed there is an element of violence here.

Original poster

EllieorOllie · 26/06/2009 00:27

I worry a lot that he is going to hurt DD. I want her to be physically robust and don't want to wrap her up in cotton wool, but he just goes too far again and again. His parents frequently pick him up on his behaviour with her, and believe me, they ain't seen nothin compared to how he is at home with her.

I thought of taking photos of the bruises, it's mostly fingerprint bruising where you can see where he's grabbed my arm or my leg. Guess I want to make him sit up and take notice, which i think he might if there's physical evidence which i have compiled. On a similar note, i am also concerned that DD's nursery might see bruising on her. He has left marks on her a few times. As a teacher myself, i know that they would probably report it, or at least log it.

ILT, unfortunately he does not actually practise the martial arts in real life, except on us . I think maybe if he did he would have more idea of the damage he could do. He does a lot of grappling at rugby training and then watches and plays Ultimate fighter incessantly on his play station.

In fact, as i write he is beating the shit out of someone on his PS3.

OP posts:

dittany · 26/06/2009 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

EllieorOllie · 26/06/2009 00:33

KitKat I suggested to him that he should try jiu jitsu, but he's not the most motivated person beyond rugby. I do actually think it might help, because then he would have an outlet and moreover an understanding of his power to hurt.

OP posts:

kitkatqueen · 26/06/2009 00:38

ellie - you are starting to really worry me now.

If his parents are also pulling him up then you have every right to be worried. TBH if nursery did have a concern and reported it that would actually be a bonus.

It sounds to me as tho he does have issues with aggression or whatever but I am really worried by the way he is happily inflicting this on you and dd.

Is there anything here you are not telling us because all the hairs on the back of my neck have gone up after reading your posts.

I think you are in danger and so is your dd.

Original poster

EllieorOllie · 26/06/2009 00:39

Thanks for your messages. As i say, I know it's all wrong, but so far i have not been able to make him listen. I think it's time for a proper ultimatum. My baby boy is 3 months old tomorrow, and i'm so so desperate to make sure he doesn't ever have to deal with this as well. And it's also time i stepped up to the mark and protected my DD properly. I guess at heart i'm quite scared of rocking the boat. However, I think my in-laws would be quite supportive if they knew the extent of what was happening (they are v local and look after my DCs a lot).
I'm going to bed now, but I will try and tackle this properly tomorrow.

OP posts:

kitkatqueen · 26/06/2009 00:39

ellie, can you be the motivation for him?

Prime him for it and get the info, keep talking about it etc

hambler · 26/06/2009 00:40

agree you are in danger.
HE IS PHYSICALLY HURTING YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER.

What else needs to be said?

kitkatqueen · 26/06/2009 00:41

Let us know how you get on, I think you are right about your il's if they have previously pulled him up too. Good luck

frisbyrat · 26/06/2009 00:43

Get out now, please. A man who won't stop showing off his superior strength over you even when asked to repeatedly, is liable to be someone who
(a) lacks empathy
(b) enjoys controlling

neither of which you want around a tiny little girl.

I am flabbergasted that you let him get away with leaving bruises from where he has held you. That is seriously fucked-up, y'know?

dittany · 26/06/2009 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

EllieorOllie · 26/06/2009 00:45

KitKat, I've told you everything. You're right in that he is aggressive, and does lose his temper very easily, particularly recently. However, he has never hit me in anger. I think some time ago I was scared that he might do something of the sort, but it came to nothing. He's suffering from stress at the moment and is very very tightly coiled but he never appears angry or out of control when he's 'play-fighting'. It's all just a big joke to him.

OP posts:

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