DH 'play-fighting', but we're both half his size...

[EllieorOllie]

I was going to name-change for this but I can't be bothered to faff around...

Basically, I am becoming more and more uncomfortable about my relationship with DH. Everyone sees us as this miracle couple, because we decided to keep our baby and build our relationship after getting pregnant after a very very short time together. 3 and a half years, a wedding and another baby later, things are really getting rocky. Or at least, they are as far as i'm concerned. There are lots of little niggles, and even a few more deep-seated doubts about our compatibility. He doesn't seem to see any of it, so maybe i'm just over-analysing (wouldn't be the first time!!)

But what i have the biggest problem with, and what is making me start to think about leaving, is one particular aspect of his treatment of our DD and also me, to a certain extent. He is a rugby player and very into 'ultimate fighting' - a big, muscly guy with knowledge of martial arts holds and chokes but no self-control. He frequently plays extremely rough and puts me and DD into wrestling holds and stuff. He is even exceptionally rough when he 'tickles'. I am always covered in bruises from what he sees as playfights and DD is constantly crying when he plays with her, to the point where i think she's getting quite scared of him. He's also very mean to her, 'joking' with her to the point where, as an over-sensitive toddler, she inevitably starts to cry.

I've tried to talk to him about it but he just rubbishes what i say, or says he's really sorry and then carries on behaving the same way!

Don't get me wrong, i'm not an abused spouse or anything, and he doesn't do this stuff in anger. However, i don't think i can go on being physically hurt and dominated, and i'm very worried about the effect it's having on his relationship with DD. I'm also concerned that she'll start to mimic his behaviour.

Any thoughts, similar experiences or advice gratefully appreciated...

ellie in exactly the same general situation, DH and I conceived DS1 after being together 5 months, got married 3 years ago this Sept, and DS2 is now 18w.

The way he is treating you is NOT acceptable, you know yourself it isn't. You need to remove yourself and LOs from the situation as soon as possible (it doesn't have to be permanent, just get out of there). When you are not living in the same physical space make a list of what needs to change and how this can happen (such as he gets anger management lessons, you have a 'safe' word you use to tell him in a non-confrontational way that his behaviour is unacceptable and that he will abide to) and don't give him an ultimatum, this is the way it has to be if he wants to have his family.

Hi Ellie, your really brave to take the next step, i can understand how some women do stay cos it's 'easier', but then have to walk on eggshells for the next twenty odd years. I admit i went cold when i read he practises chokeholds, unbelieveable. I remember my dad playfighting with us kids when we were younger, and it was a real fun joyful affair, not the painful situation you were describing, which seemed to be escalating. As the others have said, a solicitor and womens aid are the best bet, and CAB are pretty good for financial stuff too, as you'll have different entitlements if you split and they can advise on this. If you can afford it, i cant see why you cant remain at the house and he leave. Ive not any legal experience of this, but just assumed that the mother would get the house because the children almost always remain with her. Best of luck for you and your children in the future and let us know how your doingxx

Well done ellie, just caught up with your thread have been offline for a while. Sooo glad that you have thought everything through and clarified some things in your head for yourself. There are some things that you have to realise for yourself and no-one can "tell" you. Hope you are ok and please remember we are here for you.

Hi EorO - how are things going for you atm? Hope you got some good support from WA.

xx

Just wondering how things are going?

hi ellie hows htings with you today? ((()))