DH 'play-fighting', but we're both half his size...

[EllieorOllie]

I was going to name-change for this but I can't be bothered to faff around...

Basically, I am becoming more and more uncomfortable about my relationship with DH. Everyone sees us as this miracle couple, because we decided to keep our baby and build our relationship after getting pregnant after a very very short time together. 3 and a half years, a wedding and another baby later, things are really getting rocky. Or at least, they are as far as i'm concerned. There are lots of little niggles, and even a few more deep-seated doubts about our compatibility. He doesn't seem to see any of it, so maybe i'm just over-analysing (wouldn't be the first time!!)

But what i have the biggest problem with, and what is making me start to think about leaving, is one particular aspect of his treatment of our DD and also me, to a certain extent. He is a rugby player and very into 'ultimate fighting' - a big, muscly guy with knowledge of martial arts holds and chokes but no self-control. He frequently plays extremely rough and puts me and DD into wrestling holds and stuff. He is even exceptionally rough when he 'tickles'. I am always covered in bruises from what he sees as playfights and DD is constantly crying when he plays with her, to the point where i think she's getting quite scared of him. He's also very mean to her, 'joking' with her to the point where, as an over-sensitive toddler, she inevitably starts to cry.

I've tried to talk to him about it but he just rubbishes what i say, or says he's really sorry and then carries on behaving the same way!

Don't get me wrong, i'm not an abused spouse or anything, and he doesn't do this stuff in anger. However, i don't think i can go on being physically hurt and dominated, and i'm very worried about the effect it's having on his relationship with DD. I'm also concerned that she'll start to mimic his behaviour.

Any thoughts, similar experiences or advice gratefully appreciated...

Ellie, glad you have confronted h BUT please do make sure if he ever lays a finger on you or dd again you leave or chuck him out straight away - no messing, no explanations, no discussion.

Think it is still worth your while speaking to Women's Aid to make sure you know how to protect yourself should he act like this again.

Your definition of violence is a bit skewed, I think. Which is what happens to people who are abused. He not have 'hit' you or but he has used physical force against both of you, repeatedly, leaving marks. He could be prosecuted for this - would be, indeed, had he tried it on anyone else.

er, so what was it that so attracted you to this man in the first place...? given that you say he hurts you, hurts your dd, doesn't listen to or respect what you say, is a bully and you say is stupid and immature??? i feel worried for you, but much more worried for your poor scared dd and tiny ds.

Ellie.. something about your story strikes me as very sinster.. It sounds to me like he gets some kind of pleasure from hurting you both. I agree with edam in that I think your definition of violence is skewed.. you say if he had hit either of you then he would be gone... yet you and DD are bruised and she is scared and withdrawn.. can it get any worse? would a punch or slap really be worse than what he is already doing??

You mentioned that you had other concerns about your compatibility with this man and to be honest you don't sound as though you rate him highly at all.

You have had some excellent advice on this thread and I really hope you call Womans Aid for some advice. I really hope you make some good decisions especially for the sake of your children. Keep us posted.

Good luck, Ellie. Stay strong.

Good luck Ellie. Please let us know how things pan out. x

Hi ellie - Good on you for making a descision and laying it on the line to him in black and white. We could all hypothesise for the next week about how things may pan out now, but ultimatley I think in your situation if I just gave him the boot I would always wonder if I should have laid it on the line and given us a chance at a decent life together.

Just remember that you do have control of your life. Its yours and you only get one.

There is an adage that says "plan for the worst and hope for the best". That would be the best bet now in your situation. Get the numbers for womens aid etc and give them a call. Then see how things pan out. Good Luck for the future.... Hope you come back on here soon with good news

He IS being abusive. He is pretending to play but he isn't, is he? It's control.

Very good point from kitkat about hoping for the best but planning for the worst.

Think that worries me is that violent men are often even more dangerous when they have been challenged - when they know their victim is trying to get away. You really do need to call Women's Aid, get some advice and make a plan so you are ready to leave instantly if anything goes wrong.

Please call them.

I'm still worried, but glad you've demanded respect. I REALLY hope he'll wake up and smell the coffee. What do you think about speaking to Womensaid anyway? They'll just listen to you if that's what you want.

Hi Ellie, I read your thread early this morning and just spent aome time relocating it as worried about you and your little ones.

I can only reiterate the advise given, please call Women's Aid for another pov if nothing else.

His attitude does worry me, why would anyone tthink that putting a little girl through this is acceptable?

Please keep strong and leave even if he is a tiny but out of line.

Take care, sorry I am biased as I don't know what I'd do to her dad if he did this to my dd and she is 4. Well, actually, I'd leave him.

I have to add here: it doesn't matter if he hasn't hit you.

What he has done to you and your dd is just as bad as hitting you. There is no difference. You, like many victims of domestic abuse, are rationalising his violence and minimising it, pretending it isn't "real", not "as bad" as other men's domestic violence.

I'm not saying that as an accusation, I just want you to be aware that this is part of the process of denial.

I wish you all the best with this and hope it all works out well.

I agree with the poster who said your definition of what constitutes violence is skewed

he doesn't hit you but practices chokeholds on you and dd

hitting....chokeholds

same fucking difference

EllieorOllie, just wanted to check how you're going.

Hi

After talking to DH on Friday I spent a lot of time thinking about what has happened over a long period of time, stuff that i don't think i even registered until i started talking about things on here.

I remembered the day he threw the cat down the stairs because she'd annoyed him, and the evening he threw the other cat across the floor when 'playing' and she limped for a week. I remember my best friend witnessing some if his behaviour and asking me quietly if i'd ever thought he should have anger counselling. And i thought about the way he swears in the baby's face when he cries in the night. I wondered why i won't let him take the baby out of my sight when he's doing anything that might wind DH up. And why i get a whoosh of fear in my gut when DD does something like spill her juice.

And i realised that contrary to all my denials he has massive anger issues, and i think i'm just waiting for the play-fighting and the anger to collide.

I took the children away for the weekend to see my parents just to get some distance and some perspective.

Am back now and trying to work out my next step. I really don't want to leave my home, but I'm afraid for my DCs, not necessarily right now, but in the long term. I'm going to call women's aid shortly.

Good for you EorO - have just caught up on this thread, and am another one worried for you...

You don't have to leave your home - you can get him to leave - especially with a notifiable violent incident. His parents will have him back, why should you go?

And don't worry about the PND - it may well be post-marital depression, from when you realised that you had one more child than you bargained for...

Bless you I'm so glad you have seen this for what it is. You should not have to leave your home, you have the kids so you shou ld be able to stay. WomensAid is a great idea for some proper advice. Stay strong.

Oh Ellie. [sad}

I wish I could hug you.

Well done for deciding to call Women's Aid.

Would it be best to ask your husband to leave, rather than walking out yourself? You and the children need the house more than he does.

I hope it all works out for you, sweetheart. Please keep posting and let us know how it goes.

Lots of love and strength to you x

elliorolli
What a massive thing you have done. Hats off to you to come this realisation is a HUGE step for you I know.
Good luck you are doing the right thing ringing WA.

Best of luck Ellieorollie. I've not posted on this thread but have been watching it. The whole situation you are in has made me feel really uneasy so I am so glad that you seem to have made a decision.

He needs to go btw, not you and the kids.

Let us know how you get on.

hi ellie, well done for thinking back sweetheart ((((((())))) adn most importantly for recognising that whoosh of fear. you shouldn't have to leave the house because of the children.

i also had the same issues with his family, (one person in particular) they agreed to help but i soon realised they were doing it so he could stay in the house and keep his family together. this was from the same people who told me to leave him when they knew he was cheating on me and i didn't. be very careful what you say to them, it is hard but you will have to start detaching yourselves from them emotionally and physically.

when you are ready and if this applies to you, it might not and i certainly hope it doesn't, you might need to move from your house where you are now to a house where he doesn't know. this happened to me, every time x thought i was seeing someone, he would be trying to look through the windows and checking by the garage to see if anyone was parked there. it got to the point where he was arrested for harrassment.

it is all about control hun.

and fwiw, i also had really bad pnd so i understand your worry about you losing your children. i had the same from x and his family that x would gain custody as he is working and had stable home life! feckin' stability! he lived with his dad so dd wouldn't have had separate room, he works shifts so how he could provide stability is beyond me. i left work so i could take dd to school every day and pick her up, i was there when she woke screaming in the night and needed cuddles in the day.

you are there for your dc, he needs to leave now. he will behave himself becasue he knows you are watching him but please be careful sweetheart xx

Ellie,

Glad you've given yourself the opportunity to do some thinking. This is a very sad situation and you've taken the most important step towards improving your life and that of your children.

Please take care and get as much as support as you can.

EllieorOllie, you've taken a huge step just by getting that space and facing up to what's going on in your life.

Well done.

Keep posting whenever you need help or support, there are some fantastic posters here who either help women in your situation or have done it themselves.

It might even be worth posting another thread with a title asking for advice on the best steps to take.

EllieorOllie have been watching yur thread, so glad you have taken this step.