Please help my husband left today VERY NEWEST THREAD

[Notquitegrownup]

New thread here. Hope you find it BW.

Hello bw so sorry you had another horrible night. I bet your dog was unimpressed at being woken up and taken for a walk at 5am. I wonder if the RSPCA would like to take on the search for your H, hunt him down and prosecute him for trauma to his fat farting dog by default Ah just joking. I'm sure she is grateful for all the out of hours exercise (and H's unclaimed Sunday lunch!).

Oh bw I'm not trying to make light of this awful awful nightmare. Of course I completely understand that you don't want to get upset at work but I don't believe it's yet a sackable expense to cry in the office and maybe your boss and colleagues would turn out to be more sympathetic and kind than you expect. I'm like you though, I hang on to my emotions come what may, and would be mortified if I lost it in public so please don't think I'm being critical. I am just in awe of how professionally you are handling your job and how amazingly well you are coping at home too.

I echo what everyone else is saying. You really are not whingeing, not in the slightest. Don't give yourself a hard time ... please. You are single-handedly managing four children and a full time job whilst trying to contain unbearable grief. You

How do you feel about the suggestions to get a Solicitor's letter to your H at work - or even about making an appointment to see a Solicitor? Does that feel too final to you? Like you've given up hope? Conversely it could help you feel more in control and like you are steering your life again rather than just being churned and thrown around in the midst of a stormy seas with no land in sight.

I know you are seeing the GP tomorrow but why not get something like Kalms to help you through tonight. It may help you relax just a little and take the edge off the fear and emptiness in your heart during the night.

Wishing you lots of strength today and of course many happy returns to dd2.

can i just agree with the other posts?

My best friend issued a decree letter to her DH when they were going through a bad patch- they are still together albeit with issues- but starting the divorce process does not have to mean you follow it through. In your head, i t hink you have to really believe that it is a final step, but legally there is plenty of slack if things turn themsleves around.

Find yourself a kindly possibly femal divorce expert- legal firms have websites now and there is usually a biog. of all the partners- but then you'd know that anyway and may know of someone who can help.

Here are a list of top rated Family Lawyers in your area:
here

My Mom chose one from her local list and got a great settlement, friendly advice and professional service.

Could be a start?

Oh BW. It's ok to wobble. I'm not sure if what you describe are panic attacks or not, but either way it's totally what you'd expect. You're extremely run down and running on very little sleep, you're being everything to everyone. I'm certain the doctor will be able to give you something, and in the meantime I know others have suggested Kalms and Bach Rescue Remedy - I would recommend these too!

I'm glad he sent DD2 a 'nice' card (though how it can be that nice when he hasn't bothered to give her anything or contact her in any way for the last week, I'm not sure). The fact that he sent a card so close to the date of her birthday also suggests that he hasn't gone away, so he is just ignoring you all for no good reason. Could you read the postmark on the envelope?

Totally agree with Orangina too. Stay strong - I hope you've got some lovely cake or something planned for DD2's birthday to look forward to!

BW - would you consider getting your solicitor to write to him at his work place if you won't go there yourself?

you don't have to start divorce proceedings - you can threaten it.

You need to make some progress now - you can't wait for him to get sense - you will feel better for it.

thank you for such good advice today.

My boss actually came in and checked through what I have achieved today (okay, okay, admittedly it's bugger-all) and said "so what's the problem today then?"

The problem, mate, is that you are a misogynist pig who I happen to know has had an affair with one of your colleagues and she has told everyone else that you are crap in bed.

Actually what I said was that my PC is running slow.

And my SIL contacted me with a website in her neck of the woods which is for people to get together, make friends, relationships, whatever. I had a good look and there seem to be some nice people on there. Not that I am looking of course but it is good to know there are other people in the same boat as me who I might, one day, be able to email and chat with or something.

And thank you for the solicitor recommendations. I had a little chuckle because one of the firms on there is the one that made me redundant last year!

I'm not trying to make light of thing. I am just glad I got through the morning without climbing out of the window...

I realised afterwards BW that you were a Legal bod!!!
Glad to see you sounding hopeful and with good humour.
Cannot believe your boss..."Whats the problem today than?"
What a (albeit miniscule) knob.

Yes, apparently, that is about the size of it..

Now most people would think, Christ she is having a really hard time let's step back a bit, but not him.

And so maybe that means I should do some work now....I shall be back later, as you know, once the little ones are in bed and I am drowning not waving once again.. x

I see a trend here - you having to deal with hopeless useless mean (not suggesting all men are like this) ... first your H, then your boss.

What would your boss do if you were on holiday? If he is hopeless and can't cope without you, that's his problem. Tough - you have enough on your plate. Please don't take on his incompetence as well as your H's.

Don't you find it hard not giggling at him now you know he is bad in bed?

Hi BW
I came across your thread a couple of days ago and have read all your posts (housework v. neglected!). My heart absolutely goes out to you. I had the experience of getting my heart completely broken by dh actions at end of last year and, although it was over his use of porn and probably sounds so silly and miniscule compared to what you have and are going through, I can identify with the darkness, betrayal and ongoing hurt you are experiencing. You are so brave to even have reached out to MN in the way you have, please remember you may be talking to us through a computer but we are all RL people who care very much. As for being able to keep up with your ironing through such a crisis - you're a lot more alpha mama than many of us.
A few things that kept me going through the darkest days were( strange though they sound they do work)
a) try to visualise how it feels in your head when you are trapped in your thoughts, pain, worry. Does it feel like a massive concrete block on top of you, a ball and chain, chains all around you, a prison cell etc. Mine felt like I was in a small box with darkness all around and all this hurt pressing in from every side. Now realise these are your thoughts so you have the key or the power to break free eg. prison cell - imagine searching for the key, putting it in the lock opening the door and walking out to bright sunshine, blue skies, freedom. Box - jumping up & bursting through lid. I know to start with it feels like nothing you can do will stop the process in your head & heart and obviously none of this changes the reality but it really does help give you a bit of peace. You'll maybe have to through the visualisation constantly to start with but as time goes on I hope you'll find you do it automatically once the endless cycle starts in your head. You will still have to sort through your feelings and all the practical worries rather than blanking them with this technique but when it's all becoming too much maybe it will give you a few minutes peace.
b) Quote from Robocop? (i think) "Tomorrows another day"

I hope you make some sense out of this far too long and rambling post. Please don't dismiss this as hippy nonsense, I'm a down to earth kinda person who rolled her eyes when she first read the above technique but seriously take a few minutes,really try to nail down whatever description works for you and give a try - anything worth a go if it helps.
Best wishes at the doctors tomorrow, maybe you could write down anything you want to discuss beforehand. Praying for you.

yes bw it is the little things to get you through.

A nice bath with a candle was a good distraction for me. Another technique for clearing the mind is to watch the candle flame and try and focus on only that - nothing else at all, of course all sorts of things come into your mind but soon you learn to just let them in and then go again - all the while watching the flame.
A few deep breaths too that fills your lungs with good and as you exhale all the bad things go.

anyway will try and look in tonight - we have BIL staying for a few days so will have to entertain him.

Hi BW, Hi Everyone,
On bath topic, useful to imagine a washing off of the negativity, then the flushing down the plug later...
Glad DH (dick-head {sorry}) remembered DD birthday...
my guess to his whereabouts is that he is on holiday, perhaps got someone else to post the card...he will be back as soon as he is back, if you know what i mean.
tosser.
will check in soon, sending big love, strength, power, all that xx

he won't communicate with you because he is ashamed and embarrassed and doesn't know what to say now.

i too think he will be back snivelling to you soon, i think you need to get a bit tough
otherwise he's going to keep thinking yes i'll go back to her after such and such, becasue the ow obviously puts her foot down and he can't quite stand up to her. don't let him keep thinking you will wait indefinately (even if thats the truth)

oh boilerwoman, its bloody shit isn't it? what the hell is he playing at? couldn't he just get a tattoo instead for his mid life crisis.

anyway on the plus side think of how you've opened up and are about to embark on a new social whirl, even if you and dh get back to gether, this has been a massive break through for you. it has enhanced your own personal development, and you have proved what a strong person you are.

Sorry. I was in the middle of posting and then DD2 said she had heard from him and so I lost track of what I wanted to say and promptly deleted it all,to post this instead:

He texted her to wish her a happy birthday. He said he would drop her present round on Saturday, what was wrong with DS earlier in the week, because I am not answering his texts. FGS. I haven't had any texts. I told him to be a man and ring me not hide behind texts.

Why is he doing this? This is like something a silly teenage boy would do, not a grown man.

Yes. Everything right now Is Shit. I'd wait indefinitely, of course I would, I love him. But he will never know that. DD2 was planning on going shopping on Saturday with her boyfriend. She's gone out with him now and when she comes home I wil tell her to just go anyway. I cannot even trust that shit to turn up can I? Why should she miss out on a shopping trip and a bit of fun. Which would you rather do??

Has anyone got a man they could lend me, just for Saturday, on the off-chance he does turn up. I would so love to see his face if there was a bloke sat here. I just wish I knew anyone I could ask. I'd even pay (could I get a male escort in?).

And you see he has done it again now hasn't he, he has thrown me because he sent DD2 a text. Part of me hopes he will come on Saturday, and 99% of that part hopes he comes for the DC, but the other 1% hopes he comes for me. I just don't learn, do I?

I am off to do the ironing and hoping for some sage replies when I get back.....

OH NO. NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.

I have just had a text:

"What's wrong with DS?

I'm coming home to stay tomorow. You can tear a strip off me then"

Oh no. No. Tell me what to do. I think I am going to be sick.

What's the local Mumsnet board for your area? We need to advertise for a man QUICKLY! Though male escort is an option. I think you definately need to do it. Just tell DC's he's an old friend.

It's up to dd2 whether she wants to be around to see him, but you don't have to be. Up to you whether you want to go on grovelling (and hating yourself for it), or cut loose. Take ds and dd4 to the park or a play area and stay out.
Don't play silly games trying to make him think there is another man in your life.
And if he is still there when you come back tell him to go. You made up your mind you didn't want him back, now stick to it.

OH My GOD; my dinner is burning but i had to post!!! Shit! What do we do now. That male escort was a cross [post by the way.
Wow, how bizarre. Tear a strip?! Murder more like!!!
Christ. Got to go get dinner then i'll be back. Stay calm. Don't get happy and excited; just do serious thinking of how to play it.

Not been sick. Am going ironing anyway. Am in shock again at even hearing from him, let alone the content.

Haven't responded to text.

Seriously though, I don't know what to do.

I will come back once ironing done.

oh my god boilerwoman!

first chance to log in and post and i see this!!!!

If you want to see him I would demand he grows a pair and phones you right this minute. IF you are upto I would give him the ultimatum get his arse home right this minute or its going through solicitors and nowt else!

BW, haven't posted for a few days.
So he's assuming he can just come back tomorrow (assuming he does) and move back in his he?
I think you need to think very carefully about whether you can see yourself being happy at some point in the future with him. He has let you down and left you with no warning three times now (including not coming back last time), it is going to be very difficult to trust him again.
If you think you can rebuild it then I would make sure that he promises to stick to the ultimatum points that you gave him last time (spare room, going to relate, never seeing her again) and gives you a damn good explanation about what has happened this week and why you should trust him now.

Another lurker here but had to post.

Please do not let him back YET. Stand up to him and keep him at arms length at least until he has talked to you honestly.

Then have him back IF YOU want.

Text him back now.

"Sorry - not ready to let you back home. If you are serious you need to move to a place on your own where we can have regular contact with you and we can start to build bridges and have some counselling. I will decide later on getting back together."

Have you got his stuff sorted out? Having it in on view packed up and clothes in bin bags for him to take would give the message that it's your choice whether to take him back (and you might refuse) not his choice to waltz back in again.

Whatever you do you need to make sure that he knows you're serious and he needs to make a pretty good case for himself to convince you.