Please help my husband left today VERY NEWEST THREAD

[Notquitegrownup]

New thread here. Hope you find it BW.

Happy birthday BW dd2 and Numal's dd

Hi BW - Have sent you an email. Thanks for getting in touch !
xx

thank you to everyone. Happy birthday numal's DD.

I had another bad night, one of the worst yet I think. DS came wandering in at 2.50am and I managed to get him back to his bed about half-an-hour later. Then I was just seized by the most terrible panic and need and want for DH to be there then, right that minute. It was awful. I was shaking and sweating. I was terrified.

I woke up again just after 5.00am. I took the dog out feeling still awful, like I was coming down with the flu or smething.

Managed to get the DC out to nursery and school and so on. I am at work now as am off tomorrow and Friday, but I just feel as though I am not coping properly.

He sent DD2 a lovely card, but no present or money or anything. It's as if he knew I would have had that covered.

I am desperately hoping the GP gives me something tomorrow. I am getting worse as time goes on, not better.

i'm glad he sent a card. Hang in there BW. One day at a time. (no sleep here either so feel for you)

BW- happy Bday to the DC.

I think you have to accept that you will have good days and bad days/nights and not try to get too worried over those.

It's all normal, though not pleasant.
Is there anyway your DC could learn not to wake you up if they are awake,as you seem to be getting lots of disturbed nights with them? Could he be told to stay in his room and not wander?

I reallly would urge you to take the "talking therapy" route rather than the drug route if you see your GP. you may be eligible for 6 sessions f counselling on the NHS- but you need to ask.

IME I have not met anyone who has a good experience of ADs or similar. This includes medics who have taken them themselves! I know too many people who have got hooked, and
realsied that it was only by changing their behaviour and thoughts that they could move forward.

If you are having probs sleeping, have you considered the herbal things you can buy, and other things like lavender oil, warm baths, etc etc?

I would still suggest as Idid before that if you don't want to trun up at your Hs work, you employ a private tec. There must be loads in Newcastle.

Hi BW
So sorry you had an awful night. Panic attacks are very frightening, aren't they? You need to tell yourself that they are not physically harming you, they are a reaction to stress, but not an illness in themselves.

Anti-depressants can help a lot with panic attack symptoms, although they take a couple of weeks before you will have a really noticable effect. Sometimes though, just knowing that you have taken the positive step of medication will help to calm you.

Just admitting to the gp that you need some help my relieve some of the panic. And just knowing that you can have drugs if you want may be enough too.

How about treating yourself to a lovely massage or reflexology.

Also i found hypnotherapy very helpful.

You are doing so well even though you may feel you are not. hang on in there.

Working today so wont be on much but thinking of you.

BW As I've said in a previous post of mine, you're going through the grief bit, which brings on panic attacks too. You're doing brilliantly. Copycat's post earlier about having all your DCs and FIL over for a little dinner is a brilliant idea - your FIL will see what an honourable person you are and have been throughout this nightmare that you're going through.

The grief will come in waves - you'll have good days and bad days - sometimes right out of nowhere - just accept that this happens and go with the flow. I know how easy it is for other people to say this, but it is true.

I'm on my own with my two DCs and haven't had a full night's sleep since, erm, before August 2007. But I sometimes take to my bed at 8.30pm the next night just to rest when it happens.

Be brave (which you are being), draw strength from all the MNers who are rooting for you and above all, take care of yourself and your DCs.

thank you. I am trying - sorry to whinge again.

You're not whingeing - you're going through a total nightmare. You've had your life turned upside down, inside out, pulled through the hedge backwards (any more things I can think of?) It's a terrible time for you and your DCs - please don't think that you whinge - it's just that those of us on the outside who have followed your journey, can see what's happening. We're not emotionally involved like you are. And panic attacks are awful and, well, make you panic.....

BW, you are not whingeing!
Goodness, you are so strong and brave, but what's happened must have knocked you for six.
Try and make some time for yourself, perhaps when you are off work try and have a massage as Happywoman says, or get your hair done or anything to make you feel nice and soothed.
See what the GP says, if you don't want AD's there are plenty of other things the GP can suggest I am sure (and that MNers have suggested)
I think you're Wonderwoman to be honest

Happy Birthday to Numal's DD too, sorry, forgot before.

I thought that once I started to feel better that would be it, that I would keep moving forward and forward. But it isn't being like that at all. Just a simple thing like his writing on an envelope has sent me way back again.

I want to contact him and say come and see your DC on Saturday before you go back to work on Sunday, but of course I can't.

I looked up panic attacks on the web and I don't know if that is what I am having. It's just a terrible feeling of loss and grief that hits me, out of the blue, when I just want him, home, NOW. I don't know if that is the same thing as a panic atack? Maybe it is. Maybe it is something that happens after a death, so maybe it is normal and not a panic attack.

I know that I have to get through this as I have no choice. I am fine so long as I don't think about the last twenty-seven years. If I find myself thinking about him now and what he is doing it hurts, like a real physical pain.

I just have to get on, don't I?

I've been watching these threads, I've not commented at all, as the advice you've been getting has been fantastic.

I really, really think you need a week off work. When my XH left me for a COKE ADDLED WHORE, I had to take a fortnight off work. I literally could not get out of bed, I am in awe of you.

Please take some time off. Please.

Morning BW. Sorry you had a terrible night. You aren't wingeing at all - in fact I can't believe how little you are wingeing.

Maybe if you couldn't handle a week at home alone with your thoughts, instead of taking a week off work you could take a few hours a day off. Time to have a bath and a nap and keep still for a bit? Does your immediate boss know what is going on? Can they not see how exhausted you are (though having worked in partnerships myself I know that working people 'till they drop can be part of the culture sometimes!).

BW Happy birthday to you dd

Stay focused, you are doing soooo well. Hope the doctor can sort you out tomorrow.

BW Yes, what's happening to you is bereavement - as I mentioned on the other thread. You don't keep going on a straight line - it comes and goes in waves. You can have 3 good days, then something very small can hit you and bring you to your knees again. You've lost the relationship you had for 27 years. You've lost the relationship you would have had for the next X number of years. Like I said, it's the what should have beens and the what should be's which you're grieving the loss of.

Honestly, what you've been posting on these threads is quite normal. The only thing that you don't have at the moment, which is very hard, is "closure" (urgh, hate that word, but it is useful). You're in the state of not knowing one way or the other. But, you can't let the rest of your life be dictated by someone (ie. your H) who doesn't know what they want - the effect of that is that you feel skewered.

The only person who is going to be able to put the building blocks of your family unit into some semblance of order, is you. You will do it, you know you will. You will dig down very deep and find a determination to do this for your DCs - because you're a brave woman who loves your DCs dearly.....

please stop being nice, I can't cry at work!

Sadly I work in a small office now. Had I been in my previous employment I would have been out the door and on the sick. My immediate boss knows but he is absolutely useless. There is no way I could ask to go home early or anything like that. It would just be impossible.

Yes, Lemony you are quite right, I cannot let him dictate to me. I want some acknowledgement that we have five DC, four of whom are at home and want to see their dad (albeit with varying degrees of interest)and who need him, and that something is going to have to be sorted out about that and about money. I am convinced I would not be in this terrible state if I was in contact with him, and could sort out practicalities. I think that's the hardest thing right now. He just will not communicate with me at all, and I don't know why.

BW, I have been following your threads wince your original post and my heart goes out to you... You have been so amazing and strong and absolutely THERE for your dc, which is more than can be said for your (not so d)h....

I think you need to get serious with him and get a solicitors letter sent to him at work stating what you expect from him. He is being so SPINELESS in not responding to your texts and just keeping his phone off. Also, is it a bad thing for the children to know that their father has decided to spend a bit of time away while he makes a few decisions? You don't have to mention the OW at this stage (it SO won't last btw...) but you are taking EVERYTHING on yourself and you need to cut yourself some slack... he should take responsibility for his actions.

Not meaning to sound bossy or anything at all, I think you are being amazing. You are awfully hard on yourself though and yet you are the one who has behaved faultlessly....

(It will continue to hit you in waves I think, rather like bereavement.... its terrible the way it rolls in and hits you just as you think you are getting better, BUT it WILL get better.... and you are getting stronger every day......)

Completely agree with Orangina, the Solicitor could contact him through work.
He does need to face up to things now, he can't just run away, you can't can you?
How about financial aspects? Has he given you any money to run the house etc?
I do think it's time to get tough now, he's had enough grace.

(high fives Lizzylou...)

High Fives right back atcha Orangina

BW, you can do this, you really can and he needs to face up to things, truly he does.
You have so much support here, so many MNers wanting to meet up with you (and give you Pimms and G&T's ), we're all here and we all know you're hurting.

Lurking every day and not posting as don't know what to say further than what other people have said.

Absolutely agree with Orangina. He needs a reality check now.

Im also 'lurk' not being able to add anything else which has not already been said by the wonderful MNers on here. I also agree with Orangina etc, get a letter sent to his work froma solicitor. He needs to face up to things now!
I shall continue to lurk and be thinking of you. I always check to see how you are every day BW. Think you have been fantastic.

"Maybe it is something that happens after a death, so maybe it is normal and not a panic attack."

After my Stepdad died, my younger brother developed panic attacks for a while. It was a response to grief. It doesn't mean you're not normal, whatever that is! Don't get hung up on it, you've been getting on with it and coping admirably, but when you bottle it all up it's bound to need to come out sometimes. These episodes sound like a sort of release valve, when the pressure of bottling it up gets too much, your attacks let some of it out.

You need a break, so you look after yourself for a bit BW. Perhaps when you finally find out his address you could drop the kids off on his doorstep and go away for a weekend?