Please help my husband left today VERY NEWEST THREAD

[Notquitegrownup]

New thread here. Hope you find it BW.

So its time to get angry BW!! Get angry and stay angry! It is not impossible to find out where he is hiding out with the old boiler.

He will be turning his phone on when he gets a chance and checking his messages, I'll bet you. Just because he isn't replying doesn't mean he hasn't seen your message. Tell him you will go to his boss if he doesn't get in touch.

Don't wait until there is an emergency situation - he has had long enough gone to ground.

It is the injustice of it that compounds your anger. He does a runner ,yet you are the one who has to make everything alright for your DC. At the same time, you have had your own world turned upside down..

It is almost an impossible task. Yet you have been able to reach inside yourself and have become the the strongest, bravest mum. Your time will come believe me when he realizes what he has lost. In the meanwhile, keep moving forward doing what you can to look after your DC and yourself.
Happy Birthday to your Daughter and to mine for tomorrow.
Stay strong.

BW - it is not fair - i feel so cross for you. When you do find where he is please give us his phone number so we can all give him hell too.

Your time will come though and he will see you happy again - and even though you dont believe it at the moment you actually wont care either way. There will be happiness in your life again with or without him - please believe me on this one.

I think it is becoming quite urgent that you find where he is and make him take some responsibility for his children. Get angry and use that. Tell him that you are not doing well and that you are going to involve social services unless he gives you some help.

I worry too that you do seem to be working very hard - if you are the main wage earner you do need to protect yourself - as any debts he runs up with her you will both be liable for until divorce settlement. Dont want to scare you but would hate to think that you will have to pay half of whatever he is giving her at the moment.

And how are you getting on with letting people help you in RL?

I am okay as long as I don't think. When I do think, I am insanely jealous of the blow job queen. I go to bed and wake up panicking while he goes to bed with his arms around her. I look after his children and read them bedtime stories and make them hot cholocate while he is getting serviced.

I just so hope I can get something from the GP. Something to knock me out cold for twelve hours so I don't have to think.

I just can't believe he could do this and not know how it would affect me. If I'd done it he would have broken down within the week.

the only ways I can think of to find where he is are (a) for him to tell me, but he won't answer his phone (b) through work. But they think he is here, this is the only address they have for him. How can he have left me if he still uses this address??

BW, it's interesting to me that he has chosen to do this now, now that you have moved from being a lawyer to a secretary. How did he feel about that move? I wonder whether he has always been a bit lazy and willing to live off you as the breadwinner, but you have been too decent and busy working to see it. Clutching at straws probably, but I have wondered a couple of times.

Happywoman I am really shocked by what you say above - I didn't realise he could run up debt to be paid off by BW.

BW how does what Happywoman says make you feel? do you think you will file for divorce? might be worth it to protect your family, you can always stop the process if necessary.

You are right, he would not have been able to cope if the boot had been on the other foot.
Take some comfort in your courage and bravery
Try not to think of him with the trollop.
He is probably feeling terrible. You cannot be a faithful husband and an adoring dad for twenty plus years and then just bugger off and have a fun time. I have said before, you BW are going to come out of this in better shape than your H.Bide your time.

Dont be jealous of her BW - if you really wanted to you could do that - you have just choosen not too - and in fact i actually think that reading bedtime stories if a far better way to spend the evening.
Sex is nice but it is not the basis for a lifetime relationship. They both know that and we all do too.
She will never have what you had.And she can never replace all the memories that you two share. It may be painful for you to think of but it will be even more painful for her to think of it.

One of the things that kept me going is the fact that the ow always knew my h was a liar and was prepared to put up with it - at least i can say i didnt know what a liar he was.

The whole of their affair is based on lies and she knows that - what woman would really want that?

happywoman - your post is spot on. You can't rely on him to come forward and take responsibility so perhaps you should focus on facing him and demanding this. Have you given any serious thought to confronting him at work? That way if you know when he is next in work you are back in control and in so much limbo waiting for him to contact you iyswim?

oops that should read not in so much limbo.

Until they go for settlement of the finances they are considered joint.

My stupid twat at the time spent loads on getting himself a flat and setting up - however he was pretty useless and didnt pay a single bill. I was told that i was as liable as he was even though i could prove i never lived there. And i had to really fight to make sure that it was not my name that got blacklisted. (we have the same initial so it is a bit more complicated).
Fortunately my h came to his senses and I managed a lot of shopping trips on the guilt. But he really had wasted a fair amount of money.

But BW - do you know for a fact that they don't know where he is? You haven't asked have you?

Even if they don't know he has moved out it makes no difference - not if you tell him you will turn up there and tell them that he has gone mad and run off with some old slapper.

You don't have to carry it out - just tell him you will be at his work next week if he doesn't give you his address and a phone number he can be contacted on by his children and if you don't get this be there waiting outside when he turns up. What have you got to lose?

He should not be allowed to treat you and his children as if you don't exist any longer. He has had his chance and he blew it. Don't sit back and take any more crap. It is outrageous.

happywoman - was your h doing that before you found out? If so has he given any indication as to how he was justifying his behaviour to himself?

BW says- the only ways I can think of to find where he is are (a) for him to tell me, but he won't answer his phone (b) through work. But they think he is here, this is the only address they have for him. How can he have left me if he still uses this address??"

employ a private detective agency- they should track him down pronto!

bw I'd like to say that he has clearly lost the plot or is in the midst of a breakdown of gargantuan proportions (because I can't for the life of me imagine what would cause a formerly loving devoted Dad and H to desert his family so callously and cruelly; to have an affair maybe, but to run away and hide behind a turned off phone ... no way) but the fact that he has organised a card for DD2 smacks more of sane calculation and planning. I'm pleased for DD of course.

You are so right. It is unfair and selfish to the extreme that he can leave you to care for his precious children having wounded you so grieviously. Truly the man must have no conscience. I only hope that he is being ravaged by guilt and has no peace. There is no way to understand his actions bw and you will drive yourself mad going over and over everything for a reason.

Please concentrate instead on drawing together with your DC and encouraging open conversations about how you are all feeling and coping. You all need to reassure each other that no one is at fault and sadness shouldn't be bottled up, and that whether Dad is there or not you will be.

Please don't drift in pain from one day to another ... waiting. Plan some action of your own so that you feel you have control and power over your family, not that he has taken everything away from you.

Make arrangements to meet other MNetters. Go and see a Solicitor. Pack up his clothes so that he can see (when he eventually crawls back with his tail between his legs) you don't want him taking up space in your life anymore. Paint the bathroom. Plan a trip out with the children on Saturday; swimming, park, indoor ballroom. They will enjoy the treat. Ask DD1 and her DP to join you all or to come to dinner Saturday evening. Whilst you are at it, invite Fil too! I know you are exhausted but it will help more than hanging around the house all day on Saturday.

Sermon over now. I'll just stick to praying for you in the future

I do hope that you find that a little flame of hope is flickering inside you bw. You will be happy again and you can rest at night knowing that you have peace of mind and there is no way in the world that he ever will again.

BW, I've been following but haven't posted before as have been dealing with an unfair situation myself involving a pathetic man. Your emotions have been very similar to mine, although alot of the time you have seemed stronger than I would have thought it's possible to be.

You really are the best example of what a mother should be, please know that every day of unrelenting pain and anxiety you endure, you and you alone are securing a happier future for yourself in which you will be surrounded and protected by your children and eventually grandchildren and even great grandchildren, by getting through each day you will be so respected by future generations of your family for your selfless nature and unbelievable strength, compared to that, what your h will have is meaningless and utterly empty.

When it hits him(and it most definitely will) what he has done and potentially lost, it will be him waking up in the middle of the night sweating and panicking. Best of all your conscience will be clear and you will know you have done your absolute best for your children in the worst of circumstances, Keep going. I'm near Durham and could do with a meet-up myself, so if you get anything organised please count me in.

There's one sure way to find him and that's to turn up at his work. He will most likely keep it together in front of everyone, and be civil to you.

However, if he won't talk to you, wouldn't it be satisfying to put all his stuff into a suitcase and a couple of big boxes and drop them off at reception. Tell them that since he's left the family 6 weeks ago, you thought he might like to take a few things with him and since he's refused to tell you where he and the skanky whore are holed up, would they be so kind as to pass on his personal effects and post.

I bet no one at work knows what he's been up to, and I'm pretty confident that they won't approve when the find out. Oooh, I want to slap him !

You could always tell US where he works and we could send a deputation of angry MNers around to sort him out. There'd be a few of us!

everything copycat says. Involve your elder DD's, FIL and others in an evening of food, drink and discussion of the bombshell of the last 6/7weeks.
Try to encourage them to open up to everything that has gone on. Express your anger, grief and devastation.
You may feel that sharing some of your grief is cathartic.

LOL at us all ranting about your husband BW! Hopefully you're in bed now.

Hope you get a good night. 'Speak' tomorrow.

Morning BW, just found your new thread.

morning - hope you managed to get some peace with your sleep tonight.

Jiggly in answer to your question - no h was not running up huge bills before i found out - hotel bills etc went onto expenses!!!
However when i found out and he couldnt handle it all - he did move pretty fast and found himself a flat to rent. Fortunately money has never been an issue and he had just had a rather large bonus - but it was still unfair as it was money that legally belonged to both of us. Had we not had the 'spare' cash things could have turned really nasty wrt money. I also think the ow had her eye on it too - h said she was wanting to plan lots of trips away with all the DCs. And there would have been nothing i could do if the pair of them had spent huge chunks of cash on 'treating' themselves.

Good morning BoilerWoman, hope you managed to sleep.

Morning, BW.
Hope you got some rest and hope that your DD has a lovely Birthday.