Please help my husband left today VERY NEWEST THREAD

[Notquitegrownup]

New thread here. Hope you find it BW.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Gosh, agree with everyone, words fail me, he is such a tosser!
piece of shit,
you didnt answer his texts TOSSER, lying tosser....you are worth SO MUCH MORE...i wish i could make you see.
oh BW...

Lizzylou speaks for me too. You deserve so much more. He can't just waltz in tomorrow. Life doesn't work like that. I am so angry with the way he is treating you.

If he does show up tomorrow, please don't let him through the door.

The power has now shifted, you have the house, the DC and the moral high ground. It's payback time. He has to earn his way back if that is even going to be possible. You have changed and grown so much these last 7 weeks. You may not even want him.
Whether he comes or not, you are one brave woman. Look after yourself and your DC.

Another one here who hasn't posted before on this thread but who has been following it and rooting for you.....

I echo everyone here who has praised you for your strength and courage and your devotion to your children. You are amazing and should feel very proud of yourself.

None of us know your husband or what reasons he might have for doing what he's done - he's an idiot and he probably knows it. If you do choose to have him back he has a LOT of work to do to regain your trust and respect - he simply cannot expect to turn up tomorrow and move back in as though nothing has happened. You must not allow this, no matter how much you want him back.

I just thought I'd share another personal story with you - my father did the same thing to my mother years ago, leaving her with four children and no money. She had been with him since she was a teenager and had no idea how to live without him. It was hard for her (and us children) for a while, but we all came through it and can honestly say it was the best thing that happened to all of us. My Mum really blossomed after Dad left and is so happy (and remarried!) now. She would not be the same person she is had this not happened to her.

You will be fine BW, whatever happens. I promise.

Sorry BW havent posted before but been lurking since day 1. You have had so much good advice from MNers l had nothing to add.

However much as you love this twat -he has let both you and your DC's down not once but several times.

If you dont grow a pair of balls well he certainly doesn't have anyhow long do you think he will stay this time before doing a runner back to OW. Regardless of what he says or does you cannot trust him.

Trust and respect have to be earned and not given freely. he has such a long way to go if he thinks he can just pick uo from where he left off.

I really admire the way you have been dealing with this and you have come such a long way--please do not let im beat you down again.

Pack up his things and if he arrives tomorrow tell him if he is serious about wanting to come back--to go live alone for a while and start dating each other again to see if your lives together can be rebuilt.

The man you married no longer exists, this man has a side to him you don't know and perhaps you will see you don't like him after all.

Do not forget you must make a life for yourself with out him--find some RL friends and take some time out from the DC'a

You deserve to be happy but l am not sure that it is going to be with that twat man

I haven't replied.

I fact I have taken a leaf out of his book and turned off my phone, and the house phone.

I really can't think straight. If he had sent a message at least apologising, or rang me, but he didn't.

I remember the last time he said he was coming back and all the different things I felt then, and THEN I remember how I have felt since he didn't come back after all.

If he came back again and then just left, I could not bear it.

And all I can think about right now is what to do to keep safe what little of me is left, if that makes sense. I just can't let him do this to me any more.

I haven't even considered the DC's feelings yet. Selfish cow.

I just want to say something else BW - and that is that if you really want to and if your D(?!)H is prepared to put a lot of hard work in, it is possible that you could rebuild your marriage - you shouldn't feel bulldozed into chucking him out permanently if you don't want to. He has treated you appallingly but that doesn't (necessarily) mean you need to write him off for good - lots of people make mistakes and it is possible to get over them. I'm not trying to stick up for him here - I just want to say that if he wants to come back you are holding all the cards, and if you want to have him back then that is a valid way forward - don't feel that you are a fraud or a mug etc etc. This is waffly - what I mean is that you shouldn't feel that you can't have him back if you want to. The key is how though - it is going to take a LOOOOng time.

Of course it could just be that he is a prime tw@t and you are better off without him. Only you know what the right thing to do is.

NO NO NO! YOU are not selfish! HE is the arsehole who keeps jerking everyone around!

He had the ultimatum, he FAILED, he just can't come swanning back in like this! What a complete and utter fucker!

Given his behaviour before when he supposedly came back, it is NOT selfish in the least to refuse to have him home now. It is self-preservation, and it's saving the DC from more of his stupid disappearing acts.

You never did show him the earlier threads did you?

They and this one would make an interesting sheaf of papers for him to read before any negotiation about whether or not he comes home can start...

How much printer paper have you got??

Grrrr, don't even think about calling yourself a selfish cow! You are anything but BW. It is more important that you are happy than anything else. If you are happy and stable, your children will be.

Is there any pattern to his leaving and coming back? I am wondering if she is on a shift pattern - and maybe he comes back when he can't face her doing nights or something?

Good for you turning off the phone.

Have to go and lock up now but will check back before I go to bed. Take care BW - what a huge decision you have to make (though you can always do what he does and just not make one).

You are so unselfish. You have to protect yourself first. You are now in the position where IMO you are better off without him for the immediate future.

Don't reply to his txts. What time is your DR appointment tomorrow?

Katisha - I thougth that, but then it removes from BW her source of support on here. Unless we all move somewhere else ...

No BW--you are not selfish at all. In fact you have been very unselfish throughout this entire time. Even in your bleakest moments you were considering your DC;s

The way you are acting tonight is protecting your DC's. Well done

BW - you are not being selfish at all. The children will not benefit from having a house with stressed, arguing, unhappy parents. You need to protect yourself for your own sake but also for theirs. You are their source of stability and strength at the moment so preserve yourself for them and yourself. His constantly coming back and then leaving you means that you would be in a state of continuous anxiety about it. You can't live like that so - IMHO - you can only take him back in a way that allows self-preservation (taking things slowly preferably with him elsewhere though I know that is not easily affordable) and only if he can give you a damn good reason to give him another chance to prove himself.

What were you planning to do tomorrow on your day off before all this? I would carry on with whatever you were planning to do, don't be sat there worrying about him and being ready for him, get on with your life.

I would also have his stuff ready for him to take. If he comes back and you are out that'll give him a fairly clear message. If he doesn't come back, that's one job out of the way, you can leave it at his work for him next week. If he does come back and you are in you can tell him that you gave him the ultimatum that ran out Monday, he said he'd come back and didn't so you are organising your life without him. Let him do the work to beg and try to convince you that he is worth trying again. But remember the choice is yours and it is him who has damaged the family not you.

Him reappearing again will only disrupt the children more. That's two disappearing acts with no warning, PLUS not showing up the other day as promised, PLUS not being there on DD's birthday.

At least if he's gone they know he's gone. If he keeps subjecting them to this instability, it only hurts them more in the long run....never mind that it is horrific for you and makes it harder for you to support the DC!

I wish I could take his stupid texting phone and shove it up his arse. Really for you---who treats his wife of more than 2 decades like this???

At the end of the day, he's your h, its your choice, nobody can tell you what to do, it has to be totally your choice.

But, can you meet up without the dc to discuss properly what 'you want' 'your rules'

To be fair, I think he has messed you about sooo much you don't know what you want yourself. Maybe a trial separation with maximum comunication between you both, set daily goals and weekly discussions till you can sort things out.

We will be here to support you, no matter what you decide, so good luck, poor you your head must be in overdrive!

BW - please excuse my language but ...

how fucking dare he?

You are absolutely right to not respond. It's not that he missed the ultimatum deadline - he said he was coming home and then didn't fucking turn up!!! And didn't have the decency to even speak to you. And now this.

Please stay strong. I'm not suggesting you end yr marriage if you don't want to but I am saying ..

People will treat you the way you let them

You have too much dignity and self respect to be treated like a piece of shit. Don't let him do it again. Please make sure you keep the DR's appointment tomorrow regardless of whether he comes home or not.

You and yr children need you to be well

Its a tough decision, thoughts and worries of "is he going to disappear again" dc to consider

Yes Botty maybe you are right although I still things BW's posts are the most eloquent explanation of what he has put her through that he could ever get...

My current feeling is that yes he needs to explain himself, but not from the position of having moved back in. Needs to be on neutral ground in some way, and that he has to understand he is not in any sort of position to just swan back in, expect a bit of a telling off and then carry on as usual refusing to address any of the issues...

BottySpottom, I was thinking along the same lines about him coming back when the OW's back is turned - for some reason I have a feeling she doesn't know that he has returned at all. I don't know. The return visits that are always 'scheduled' in advance and the failure to show up on BW's terms... it doesn't seem to add up to me.

BW, I can't believe his text. If I were you I'd be out on Saturday, and make sure all his belongings are in sacks. You are not selfish. You are the only one who has thought of the DCs at all.

I am at GP at 10.50am.

I am just sitting here staring into space. The dishwasher needs emptying, the telly is on in the other room, the Enormous Farting Dog needs feeding, and I want a shower.

Up until I got that text message I was okay. Well, not okay, but I knew what was happening for the rest of today, and tomorrow, and so on.

Now I feel like I am in one of those little snow shaker things and he has picked it up and given it a great big bloody shake. Does that make sense?

I want to say come back but get yourself into the spare room and stay there. I want to say sod off. I want to say please come home. I think just for now I am best off saying nothing.........

Obviously when I said Saturday, I meant tomorrow.

maybe you should say that you don't want him home yet- and possibly not at all- give him a tatse of his own medicine?

Yes, say nothing. That has to be the best policy at the moment.
Possibly just don't reply at all- he hasn't replied to any of your texts, so why does he deserve a reply?
I think you need to just carry on as if he isn't coming home because all this up and down and getting your hopes up only to have them dashed is going to make you ill.

Yes BW maintain yr silence for now - you have made it very clear you will not communicate by text.

Presumably he can't ring you because OW has no idea he's planning to leave her again tomorrow.

I suppose you have no option but to hear him out tomorrow when he arrives. Has he indicated when he is likely to reappear?