Please help my husband left today VERY NEWEST THREAD

[Notquitegrownup]

New thread here. Hope you find it BW.

I totally agree with the other ladies here. If your wife isn't initiating intimacy, surely you'd run her a bath, give her a massage, tell her she's beautiful, all the normal romantic stuff... not take yourself to a bar and fuck some tart in the back of your car.

These 'excuses' he's making aren't just poor excuses for leaving you, they're poor excuses for avoiding his entire family. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you were ill and crying out for me, DS, but you see, it was utterly unavoidable... your mother wasn't initiating sex." It's pathetic.

I'm sorry, that's probably a bit harsh and blunt and unhelpful. I'm glad you've decided to forgive him. There really is only one way from here and that's forward. Keep the relate appointment, don't be persuaded into thinking that just because he's started making crap excuses opening up, you no longer need them.

Just checking in BW, please do show him the threads the longer you leave it and the more 'normal' or at least settled things become the harder it will be

I agree with stars - after all, he needs to "own" his behaviour if you're going to go forward as a couple. If it would shock him - well and good actually. Anything less and you're protecting him from his own behaviour.

As far as the sex thing goes - I suspect what he means is that after 25 years of marriage, the sexual dynamic between you wasn't the same as in the first flush of romance. That's all. You didn't do anything wrong, he just wanted the ego-boost that goes with the initial stages of a relationship. He can rationalise away to himself, and try to convince himself that the fact you weren't ripping each others clothes off of a night meant there was something amiss, but he's being ridiculous. Of course it wouldn't be. But what you get instead is something infinitely more valuable - which is why he's back, after all...

on the flip side about showing him the thread - are you sure you want him to know all your innermost thoughts just yet?
I mean i think its good to do if you feel you can trust him, but are you sure he's back for good yet?

Maybe you want to keep your guard up a while longer

(i'm not sure what you should do btw, I just wanted to give the other point of view)

I am at work today, DS is much better. There haven't been any new spots since yesterday and the ones he has are mostly dried over now, so hopefully he can return to nursery next week (their rule is five days after last spots dry out, at least it was the last time I checked...).

DH was on nights last night.

I really am in two minds about showing him these threads, I am. As you all know only too well I bared my soul on more than one occasion and I have said things I have never said before. I think I want to wait just a little bit longer before siting him down and saying, oi, read this. Maybe after our first Relate session?

We are definitely keeping that appointment. I am nervous about what exactly will happen but I think it can only do good.

Good stuff boilerwoman - glad you are going through with Relate.

Glad to hear that ds is getting better.

I can understand why you wouldn't feel ready to show him these threads yet. Keep them in reserve for if/when it feels appropriate to whip them out.

I'm sorry, no time to post all I'd like to BW, but I did post a long one on your last thread, about the recovery process.

However, am I the only one on here to hope desperately that the rubbish hasn't been collected and that the SIM card is still retrievable? I'd be reading it with bells on!

BW, what did he tell OW about his reasons for coming back to you?

I did wonder whether the SIM card was retrieved ... by him . I truly hope not.

Odd that it went into the rubbish - surely he would WANT to be open and honest now and so showing you would re-inforce that.

BW do try and get the sim card if you can - although my gut says he will have got to it already.

You dont have to show him the threads - but he does need to understand what you have gone through at least. I also think it may do you some good to have a read through too - to remind you just how bloody fantastic you are and what a really lucky man he is.

Yes, I hope you haven't forgotten how bloody fantastic you are BW1 .

HappyWoman - are we sure it did go into the rubbish? I know I referred to him retrieving it, but that was just my overactive imagination!

BW be very careful now - if as he is telling you, she is a bit unhingned (and i think a lot of men do this) then he should be terrified that she will turn up and tell you her side of the story. Has he tired to fill in the gaps to 'protect' you from this by talking to you now?

It is convienient for him to paint her as the mad woman now.

For your own peace of mind i think you need to ask him for as many facts so that you can verify every word he says.

If he is truly sorry he will want to talk to you and not hide anything from you.

BW - make sure you do not let your gaurd down just yet and take strength from the fact that you are brilliant and could cope alone if you had too.
Dont settle for second best now - you deserve everything from him now.

Good luck and take care and feel free to email me if you need to.

Good morning BW. There is some very good advice on this thread from WhenwillIfeelnormal about a book by Shirley Glass. I quote "she says that often, unfaithful spouses justify their affairs by claiming that they weren't getting enough (attention, affection, sex, respect etc.) when in Glass's opinion, the reality is that they weren't giving enough."

One to bear in mind I think? I don't know if the quote is from this book but it's well reviewed and might be of benefit to you?

Morning all, and BW. Hope it's all going well for you.

Hia BW - thoughts are still with you, hope everything is settling down, and you are both beginning to work through the problems.

Is it relate tomorrow?

Hello BW I hope that your weekend was okay and that you and DH are slowly moving forward together. Still thinking of you as I am sure everyone else is. x

I feel you've left us forever BW

BW - you OK?

Hi BW, hope that all is going well for you x

I hope her DH hasn't read the thread and asked her not to come back on here ...

Sod him!!!!!

If he has read it I hope it has hit home what an out and out shit head he has been.

I'd just like to hear from BW again, just so we know she's ok.

Where are youuuuuuu BW?

I sent an email and haven't heard either. My guess is that she has given an inch and he has taken a mile.
Hope you are ok BW, we are still thinking about you.