Please help my husband left today VERY NEWEST THREAD

[Notquitegrownup]

New thread here. Hope you find it BW.

Congrats Silkcushion

I agree with your post as well, do you think that your husband knows/understands the hurt he's caused, BW?

I hope that your DS feels better and that things are OK with you.

Hi BW, just checking in

Splendid news, Silkcushion. Hope it's going ok, BW.

BW - Well done, keeping your cool, I can only add my best wishes, and hope you can both make very slow steps forwards.

Would it be wiser to start relate in a few weeks time after you have both had time to settle a bit. May be easier to retain control of emotions.

Saying that, bet it takes that long to get appointments!

You may be take 1 step forwards and 2 steps backwards, alot of emotions to deal with together and talk about.

Good luck!

Well, what the title says

He has left me, ten mins ago

2am!

is that you BW - has your h left again??

No........... dont think it is BW, the 2 am post has a profile and BW didnt!!

thanks - just that as we havent heard i was worried that he just upped and left again - not being able to handle the hurt he has caused.

I think Islandlassie is another poster.

Are you OK Islandlassie?

I think she is a saint! I couldnt have put up with what she has had to!!

Hi islandlassie - really sorry to hear you're starting this nightmare too. There are loads of people here who will support, guide and advise you if you need it, but you might get a better response if you start a new thread and give a low-down of your circumstances. This thread is so fast-moving that your posts might get lost or overlooked.

Sending thoughts and hugs your way. I don't suppose you got much sleep last night. x

Phew, not her. Hope you are OK BW.

DS is a bit better today, at last.

I am back to work on Thursday because DH is on days off.

We are going to Relate a week on Monday.

I am just taking things very slowly for now. I am surprised at how suspicious and edgy I feel but suppose that is only to be expected, for a while at least?

As ever, thank you all x

Glad to hear all is going well, BW.
Yes, you are bound to feel suspicious and edgy for a while, at least, only natural.
Glad DS is better as well.

hi BW
I think you have every right to feel suspicious and edgy, trust has to be earnt, its not a given and he has made you feel justifiably suspicious.

I would ask for his old phone/sim so that you can read the messages from the ow and daughter. Why should he have two phones/ two numbers?

Hi BW, IMO what you feel is perfectly normal. He let you down massively, you don't trust him.

He has to earn the trust back, it may take a long time, you trusted him implicitly.

Glad you've posted, good to hear from you and I'm glad your DS's a bit better.

Keep in touch.

BW - take things at your pace - and expect to feel 'odd' for a long time to come.
Also expect there to be times when you feel worse again. All perfectly normal.

Is he doing all he can?

It's to be expected that you would feel suspicious and edgy, BW - it's not as if he's been exactly truthful or reliable, has he? He's broken his promises a number of times, so he's asking a lot for you to trust him now, as there's zero trust left. You're both having to work from scratch to build a new relationship. It will be tough work, but if you manage it, it's likely that you'll be stronger than ever. Good luck.

Morning Boilerwoman. Totally understandable that you would feel edgy. Is he doing everything possible to reassure you? Are you telling him how you feel so he knows he needs to reassure you? I agree with kalo, he should hand over the phone and SIM.

the SIM has gone - he took it out in front of me and threw it away. He says he only ever had one phone, and, rightly or wrongly, I believe him. He hasn't had any contact with the OW since last Friday - can't remember if I posted this but he had a number of texts and calls from her daughter and the daughter's boyfriend threatening all sorts, so he admitted texting the OW to say call the daughter/boyfriend off or he would involve the police. Nothing has been heard from any of them since.

He says he wants to concentrate on me and the DC.

It's still hard to talk properly, obviously DS has been poorly, and now I am back at work. DS is a lot, lot brighter, although he still looks very scary!

I don't know how well I am dealing with It. The OW, who has been christened Slaggy McSlagbag by DD1, swings from being the vilest whore imaginable, to a complete sex goddess with whom I just can't compete. I wonder if DH and I had sex again if this would help me get rid of this feeling, but I am afraid in case I "can't" have sex, at least not yet. Does that make any sense at all? I have told him how I feel.

And he has admitted that he felt like I never initiated sex with him. He said he can't remember a time when I did. That really hurts (I thought I couldn't hurt any more). I don't know exactly what he means by that - if he means I didn't reach for him and kiss him and touch him then that isn't true. If he means I didn't jump on him when he came through the door and throw him on the bed and tear off his clothes, then it is true. I never did that. The OW obviously did and that is an issue I have to come to terms with. Maybe it's a subject for a whole new thread.

I feel like I am going to forgive him, given time. I don't think I can move on from where I am now unless I do forgive. It doesn't ever mean forgetting though. And I still don't think he has quite grasped just how devastating this has been for me. I think he may be afraid to believe it, because it will force him to realise just how desperate I was at times. The same goes for showing him this thread - I think he would be shocked to the core to realise what I went through.

Bl**dy hell - of course she slung him into bed when he walked in the door.

a) she didn't have much time as they weren't living together
b) she hasn't got five children to look after and probably isn't as busy as you
c) she probably could do the above, without 10 little eyes watching her!

You sound as though you are doing very well BW. I hope he can manage to reassure him and to trust him again sometime.

Hello BW, good to hear from you. I hope you don't have too much to catch up on at work.

Glad DS is feeling better. I hope the girls don't get it now.

It is great that you and DH have a Relate appt booked. Does he still plan to go on his own before this joint session? Perhaps these counselling appointments will give you the opportunity that you haven't yet had to tell DH how much his actions have hurt you (not just his 2 year affair but also by his selfish, cowardly behaviour since leaving you and his DC). Maybe you could read him some of the things you wrote on the earlier pages of this thread to help give him (and the counsellor) an insight into the devastation he caused.

I hope DH isn't trying subversively to put the blame on your 'supposed' lack of appetite and enthusiasm for spontaneous sex? Whether he is or isn't, please don't take the blame on. Did he ever scoop you off your feet and passionately throw you on the bed whilst showering you with kisses and compliments. No, in the later years of your marriage probably not - for the same reasons (like Botty lists) you weren't able to do the same. Did he ever talk to you about it? Did you go off and have an affair because your sex life had mellowed and adapted to family life? NO! If he never shared his disappointments in your sex life with you, how could you have known BW? Of course it hurts like crazy to hear how he felt but don't blame yourself for not having read his mind. There is no excuse for the way he has treated you.

Gosh I'm lecturing again. So sorry. Sincerely hope that day by day your trust builds and your hurting heart heals. x

BW - it is good that you feel you want to forgive him and move on. But please as others have said keep your relate appointments. It will be painful to open up to someone else about your marriage.
Just the way your post questions things makes me feel that YOU need to explore yourself a bit more and the relate sessions will help you do that.

I also think it is no bad thing to make him see the hurt and pain he has caused you and if showing him this thread does this that is good. Dont protect him from his own twattish selfish behaviour - how will he learn to never ever do that again - and also will you ever believe him if you do not think he has really reformed?

I really think copycat has hit the nail on the head. If he didn't scoop you off your feet, and didn't ever tell you he wanted you to do that to him, how were you ever expected to know?

Please don't take the responsibility for whats happened on your shoulders. You hadn't realised there was a problem, but he had. He then didn't communicate the problem to you. Seems to me that most of the responsibility must, therefore, be his.

But I am really glad that you are sorting things out, if that is what you want. I just hope he realises how lucky he is to be given this chance.