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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed over dp's ex!!

157 replies

fifisboys · 16/06/2009 09:04

To cut a long story short..

I live with my dp and we are engaged to be married next year. He has a 2 year old dd with his ex and she is refusing to let him bring her to meet me.
There is no reason behind it at all, she has even said she has no reason for it, other than she doesn't want her dd to be with me.

I was just wondering if, legally she can dictate who dp can introduce her dd to, and how we go about fighting this.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 16/06/2009 18:58

"You think it would be best" - well tough shit honey - I thought 6 months was about right for me - so terribly sorry if that offends your moral code somehow - maybe I should have waited till they went off to university

Boys2mam · 16/06/2009 19:11

Putting aside the issue on meeting your DP's DD, Fifi, perhaps your partner should be addressing the access issue - he shouldn't be allowed to be messed around by his ex on visitation. You mentioned he now sees DD once per wk for 2 hours and ex tells him where to take DD.

Maybe he should be getting this matter addressed first and foremost?

dittany · 16/06/2009 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jellybeans · 16/06/2009 19:30

I have no advice from experience but if this relationship (sorry if it wasn't) ended their relationship then I can see it would be awful for her to have to send off her tiny DD to play happy families. 2 is very little. Still, eventually she will have to accept it. I really admire those couples who can be non bitter and amicable. I really would try to remain pleasant and maybe try mediation. Maybe just aim slowly for more contact till the mum feels happy. I am sure that will be sooner if she doesn't feel you are trying to take away 'her family' (if that's how she feels, just a hunch).

dittany · 16/06/2009 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipkid · 16/06/2009 19:53

2 hours access each week is woefully little. In my experience a Court would be very keen to build this contact up to a reasonable level to include the introduction of overnight stays. The OP does not say how long her relationship has been ongoing with her partner. Courts can and do remove restrictions placed on contact by the resident parent. One of those obstacles regularly raised is the introduction of a new partner. Clearly this child has a right to be involved in and have knowledge of her father's life and home. The sooner that can be achieved the better. Particularly as a wedding is on the horizon.

Fifi, your dp should begin by trying to increase his level of contact before looking at introducing you. That should be his priority. If his ex is obstructive in this regard and she cannot be negotiated with then an application to Court for contact should follow. This child has the right to a decent level of contact with her father.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/06/2009 20:40

CHipkid is right of course, first priority is for the father (unless he is neglectful or abusive) to have as much access as is feasible to his DD, and her to him. But an ex-partner's feelings about a new partner are, frankly, the ex-partner's problem and shouldn't be anyone else's. When you split up with someone, you have to accept that the couple-relationship is over and it is no longer your business who they have sex with or spend time with. You have to separate your dead couple-relationship What matters from then on is forming a comfortable co-parent relationship where both parents have the child's interests at heard. The child's best interests are always (unless there is abuse or neglect) a workable relationship with each parent. Using your child to try to control your XP's sexual or romantic life is silly, unethical behaviour and will come back on you sooner or later.

Oh, and as to 'how many significant others should a child have to meet' - the more the merrier. You can;t have too much love and goodwill in this world.

chipkid · 16/06/2009 21:18

In fairness to the child's mother in this-I would not necessarily agree that introducing a child to every new partner no matter how fleeting would be a good thing! However, where a relationship is of some standing and there is a wedding in the offing-everybody has to accept that this woman is part of father's life and home. As a consequence, unless this father is exercising contact in a vaccuum, the sooner she is involved in his life and home the better for the child. Children- maybe not as young as 2, actually like to know where their father is living, what type of home he has, who he lives with and what his life outside of contact involves. It is an important part of the jigsaw

Haribosmummy · 16/06/2009 21:27

MaggieBee.... I just want to say... If my DH had waited for his ex to 'grieve' (nice word... I prefer to use 'suck the very life blood from him and make sure he had enough money to live under a stone'), he'd be in that very same place now...errrr.... 12 years later...

His Ex is still manipulative, still greedy, still demanding to call all the shots.

I'm not saying the OP should turn this into a battle... The little one is only 2YO so there is plenty time to take things slowly... but my experience would be that the more lenient a parent (usually the father) is now (in the early days), the harder and the longer the battle will be to establish meaningful and regular contact.

Oh, and FWIW, my DH's ex STILL threatens to move the kids 100s of miles away should she not get her own way on EVERYTHING (the kids are both at senior school... AKA: NOT BABIES anymore)

That's just my experience, but the mother isn't the only parent.

junglist1 · 16/06/2009 21:39

I agree with Dittany, that's the main point I was trying to make at the beginning. It's for the parents to sort out between themselves. Any new partner should keep out of it, if the mother is hurt or bitter it could drag on for ages, rightly or wrongly. I certainly wouldn't be dictated to by any girlfriends or new wives.

Haribosmummy · 16/06/2009 21:47

I do agree that it shouldn't have anything to do with a new partner (I certainly wouldn't wade into arguments between DH and his kids now - never mind years ago) BUT!!!!

At what point does the NCP get to actually decide what happens in their life? And what happens (as happened in my case) if the ex-wife wants certain parts of the new GF (my home and my salary) but not others.. (err.. my existance!)??

And, as Hecate said, I bet the mother won't be abiding by the same rules!!!!

I know my DH's ex has had AT LEAST 10 boyfriends she's introduced to the kids. We haven't even been told about one of them. But, she has a LOT to say about our lives - want to dictate where we live / where we work / where we take the kids / who we take the kids to see / where we go on holiday / what we eat / what we wear..........

junglist1 · 16/06/2009 21:54

That's wrong, the ex should live what they themselves are preaching, otherwise it's just complete spite and hypocrisy.

junglist1 · 16/06/2009 21:55

What a crappy sentence I just wrote. Have slapped myself.

Original poster
fifisboys · 16/06/2009 22:10

Thanks for the replies everyone...dp is trying to increase contact with his dd..its just very hard with the way his ex is going on to actually do this.

There split up was nothing to do with me at all so she does not have that to use against me.
Mac - my youngest ds is alos 18 months..you were on the same post-natal thread...i also don't think it's too soon for a new relationship..my dp is better with my kids than there real dad is..and at the end of the day both me and the kids are happier..thats what counts!

OP posts:
Rindercella · 16/06/2009 22:14

Haribos, DH's exW tried to get her hands on my hard earned cash too!

Sometimes I am crap at finding the right words, or go off at a tangent, but what I really want to say about this OP is that there are some mothers out there who patently do not want the best for their children; who do use their children as pawns against their former partners. These women are not always acting with the best interests of their children as their primary motives. And then there are some fathers who do actually try to put the welfare of their children first.

I say this as it seems to me that some posters have automatically sided with the mother in this instance. Even though it appears that the child's father (and yes, in the nicest possible way, let's forget the OP for now) is desperate for more access to his DD, and is keen for her to be included in his life, his ex is putting barriers in his way. Surely, unless the father has been abusive or neglectful, this is not in the best interest of their daughter? Isn't it best that she see her father without undue impediment and they build a long and loving relationship?

It is a very difficult, and highly emotive situation for all involved (which perhaps explains fifi's unfortunate use of 'fight' in her OP), and maybe Fifi is doing all she can to support her DP - thinking that she can get good advice from MN on both the legal and practical aspects.

DivaSkyChick · 17/06/2009 01:11

Well said.

Haribosmummy · 17/06/2009 07:13

Well said, Rindercella.

Perhaps support would be a better word to use, but I know (for me) it did often feel like a fight.

SoupDragon · 17/06/2009 07:45

Are your DSs your DPs?

Original poster
fifisboys · 17/06/2009 08:39

Rindercella You are right, maybe fight wasn't the best word to use, but i did come on to get both laegal and practical advice on what to do and how we go about this.

My dp is desperate to have his dd included in his life, and because his life is now with us i can see why he wants to include her in our family. There is no way we are trying to take her away from her mother or anything like that, but she has no motive for not letting him have in included in our family, apart from using her dd as a pawn.

Soupdragon My dp is not my ds's real dad, although he plays a bigger part in there life than there real dad anyway.
My ds's see there real dad almost everyday even if its just for half a hour before bed, and they stay over with him at weekends either at his mams or at his new gf's.

OP posts:
IveGotHamButImNotAHamster · 17/06/2009 16:59

I agree with Haribo and Rindercella - and am in the same position. DP's ex is quite happy for us to completely support her financially, but puts up barriers against any other type of involvement. She actually did move hundreds of miles away with the kids, and this has a massive impact on our family life.

But I would also agree with all those who say softly softly is the only way forward - best for everyone, including the OP. Although you do also have to be fairly and sensitively firm from the start, because a precedent can easily be set where the ex-partner believes they can dictate everything.

IveGotHamButImNotAHamster · 17/06/2009 17:01

And also not a great impact on the kids I hasten to add, before I get rinsed for not putting them first!! I think it would be wonderful for them still to be living near their devoted daddy.

Haribosmummy · 17/06/2009 18:56

I agree Ivegothambutimnotahamster - fair and sensitive but firm.

my DH wasn't - and I completely understand why - he was desperate not to give his ex one single excuse to ever stop contact.. and we are still living with stupid rules where we have to call her at 7OCLOCK Yes, 7pm. Not 5 to, not 5 past. 7pm precisely. ANd half the time, she won't bother picking up anyway.. but if the kids forget or are late, she'll have a massive go at them (note that: THEM, not US. She absolutely keeps the kids at arms length in front of her and def. uses them as pawns, even now)

For me, it actually went further than us just supporting her financially (which we still do) she actually wrote to me telling me that while she expected me to support her so she didn't have to work, she equally expected me to work full time if I ever had kids (double standards, anyone???). I don't work (I have a 1YO and she is furious about that!) but only stopped the day before he was born.

She also demanded my salary be taken into consideration into her settlement (which took 5 years after they split) but also asked the court to allow her to keep any salary she earned (should she actually decide to get a job)...

Anyway, that's just my story... My DH has been an absolute SAINT and has maintained an excellent relationship with his kids, but his ex has done her damndest to destroy him (and me!)

HM

Rindercella · 17/06/2009 19:17
IveGotHamButImNotAHamster · 18/06/2009 10:02

Think he was a triple bigamist...though we have to call at 6pm not 7!

IveGotHamButImNotAHamster · 18/06/2009 10:03

Oops - I meant "she"!

Good luck Fifi.

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