Advice needed over dp's ex!!

[fifisboys]

To cut a long story short..

I live with my dp and we are engaged to be married next year. He has a 2 year old dd with his ex and she is refusing to let him bring her to meet me.
There is no reason behind it at all, she has even said she has no reason for it, other than she doesn't want her dd to be with me.

I was just wondering if, legally she can dictate who dp can introduce her dd to, and how we go about fighting this.

I have been on both sides AND am the child of a number of sets of stepparents!So I have plenty of undertsanding and compassion!

I let my DD's go with their father and his new DP/OW because its whats best for them and their relationship with him - do I like it, hell no - do I think my XH is doing it to spite me , hell yes - but as long as they are happy then that is my priority!

Have they met my DP to score points , hell no! Because he is part of my life, because I love him, because he wants to be part of my life, because he cares about me and knows that my DD's are MY life, he is a good role model, he shows themn what a normal respectful adult relationship is like, and thats a good thing!

You too are taking bad experiences and scaremongering and being alarmist - IMO bloody ridiculous!
I hope you have a bloody good rabbit

Mac it's funny how you can be right and also be a total bitch at the same time.

Thank you Maggie. I agree.

Best quote on the thread right here:

"This little girl doesn't need a step mother figure. She needs a happy mother first and foremost, and hopefully a Dad who doesn't trample over his child's mother's feelings just to exercise his rights."

And no Macdoodle, I am not deranged and not totally against steparents etc as long as it is all done in the right way. OP and her partner are moving way to fast and not considering anyone's feeling but their own.

I wouldn't let my young dd near a woman who was engaged to someone who just recently (in the past 2 years or so) had a baby with someone else. What ever happened to respect and honour? I want my kids to grow up with better morals than that. And no I am not religious or conservative or any such thing.

When I met my dsd it absolutely wasn't point scoring. It was because I wanted to meet my dh's little girl that he had told me so much about.

I don't see it the way you do MaggieBee. It's much simpler than wanting to point score or be anything to this little girl. She just wants to meet her. And there's nothing wrong with that.

And I'm afraid that despite the mum saying there is no reason for it, there clearly is - she's just not admitting it - otherwise she wouldn't be trying to control things.

But you have no idea how long the marriage had been unhappy/not working for - my marriage was not a marriage in any sense of the word for a very long time - but I have a 18 month old DD2! Should I be embaressed that I have a new DP ??? Ooops I'm not!

Perhaps you'd like to have a word with my dsd's mum then pramspotter . Her new partner moved in the weekend dh moved out! Now that is a bit quick even in my book.

What about a happy father who has a relationship with his DD - what about a mother who USES her DC to get at her XH (fuck me I cant belive I'm defending the man here, but dont men have rights on MN??)

Diva - it wont be the first or the last time I'm called a bitch I prefer straight talking hard nosed myself!

So Pram, if the OP & her DP are - in your opinion - "moving moving way too fast", what about the mother of the little girl? fifisboys has already said that the girl's mother already has a new DP who has full access to the daughter. All fifisboys wants to do is to be involved with a little girl who will become her DSD. Very difficult for her to be a 'dear' step daughter without them actually getting to know each other isn't it?

Your 'morals' are yours alone, and not necessarily a barometer for others to live by.

Shineoncrazydiamond, do you think the little girl wants to meet the OP???

And to the person who accused me of being too close to a similar situation; that's not true. If my x met somebody else, I'd be delighted, it mgiht make him less bitter. I'd pity her though. If he took the children with a woman with him, then I would be less likely to worry that he'd drive them off a cliff or gas them or drown them.

So this situation is a million miles from my own. Very few situations are like mine! my x was a real astrd with a scary mindset. He's the kind who would get depressed and contemplate harming the children just so that I couldn't have them. So the presence of some poor unaware girl my x had met 6 months ago would actually reassure me.

But in this case, I read the OP;s post and I thought it was all about steam rollering over a distressed mother of a two year old girl.

I think that the answer to this would be to back off for a year, ok, so you have the right to demand that the child be hauled out for an introduction. But the child doesn't care. so wait a year. Just wait a year. It makes sense.

I might be extremely curious to meet the little girl in the OP's shoes, and I would be looking forward to it no doubt, but I think rushing the introduction could to more damage to their long term relationship than delaying it.

And yes, this is the bit I'm lambasted for, I have compassion for a woman who's lost her husband to another woman before her child is even three. (Fault aside, it's not the Waltons is it, and she will get over that and accept it much quicker if you prove that you have a tiny bit of compassion and understanding of what she's going through).

What? She has a new dp living with her? I missed that. She's nothing but a hypocrite then.

eh? caring about what the child wants is 'extremism'....

Maggie, you are making a very big assumption about the break up of fifisboys' OP's relationship. As far as I can see, nowhere has she stated his ex was the "woman who's lost her husband to another woman". Her DP could be entirely innocent in the breakdown of his previous relationship. His ex has obviously moved on, got a new DP who is involved with their daugther, but will not allow him to do the same.

Double standards

I didn't realise the child's mother was seeing somebody.

Wow, poor child, Mummy, Daddy, Step Daddy, Step Mummy. what a roundabout.

The bottom line is still probably that the little girl has no interest in meeting the OP at the moment. It's probably even more important to hold off on introducing another adult into the equation now.

Put rights and hypocrasy aside for a moment. Do you think that what this two year old girl needs right now is to meet another adult (who may or may not be around in 5 yrs).

Ok - sorry, fifisboys posted about that on her other thread here Understand that the info about the ex's new DP isn't on this thread. Here's the post where she said it:

fifisboys on Tue 16-Jun-09 11:06:49
I do respect her feelings..as it happens my exdp is with a new partner and my ds's stay over there with him every weekend...so i do know how she is feeling...
she has a new dp and her dd is around him all the time regardless of what my dp says about it..it just feels unfair that we are the only ones who are unable to be part of her life

It's not unreasonable to want to get to know the child of someone you plan to marry. It is unreasonable to refuse to let your child meet your XP's new partner. Unless an XP is neglectful or abusive, then the more contact, the better. It sounds like the OP has made an effort to be reasonable - offering to meet the mother before she meets the daughter so the mother can see that the OP is a nice person, etc - but the mother doesn;t have the right to dictate what a father does with his child unless she knows that what is being done is harmful (abuse, neglect, irresponsibility). It won;t harm a 2-year-old to be introduced to a friendly adult who is going to become part of her family: the more well-disposed and indeed loving adults ina child's life, the better.

Well we differ there then shineon.. If my children had met their father's new partner (I can dream) and were dealing with that, I'd hold off on introducing my new partner (again, I can dream).

I don't think that it's in the interest of their long-term relationship to rush things anyway.

Handle it more gently. Tell the mother that you realise it must be hard for her, and you will leave it a year. If you marry this man then you're not going anywhere and neither is she. I'm not talking about rights here and some people are focusing on who is in the RIGHT.

Just slow down.

I'm finding it hard to find compassion for a woman who thinks it's ok to introduce her new partner and have him move in, but refusese to do allow her ex to do the same. In fact she refuses to even work towards it.

And I second what SGB says:

"It won;t harm a 2-year-old to be introduced to a friendly adult who is going to become part of her family: the more well-disposed and indeed loving adults ina child's life, the better".

What will harm her is if her mother continues to be so vindictive towards her father.

Perhaps the the little girl shouldn't meet fifisboys until she has finished uni (ala pram's suggestion). That way, as a 21 year old, she can meet her father's wife of 20 odd years and be really fucked up.

I actually know a couple of women my age (i.e. old) who knew their father was with another woman after their parents divorced (when they were about 8/9 years old), but didn't meet this woman until after their father called them one day to say he'd got married, some 25 years later. They loathe her. And she is terrified of them. Terribly sad situation really.

I was thinking of waiting a year.

But hell no, just go ahead and force the issue.

But whose arbitrary decision is a year?? Yours?? and that makes it right does it

My DD's met my DP after 6 months, at that stage I was pretty sure he was a decent guy, was going to stick around and things were fairly serious, but that was MY decision and wI wouldnt dream of dictating what is the right time for anyone else!

"Wow, poor child, Mummy, Daddy, Step Daddy, Step Mummy. what a roundabout"
Not sure who said this but judgy judgy morally superior claptrap - my poor poor children were stuck in the middle of a warzone between me and XH for years, fighting, abuse, crap, put down, physical abuse, no respect, no idea what the hell was going on, they are far far happier now we are seperate happy with new DP's and making an effort to be civil and reasonable for THEM!!

It is so bloody narrow minded and patronising to suggest that anyone who doesnt live by YOUR moral codes is somehow doing wrong !

Am hating this thread and quite fed up that in the 21st century some women still believe this crap!

I feel sorry for Fifi's DSD deprived of being a part of her fathers life and being used as a pawn by her mother!

Maggie, I don't think anyone on here has recommended that the OP force the issue. In my initial post, I suggested a gently-gently approach, as I believe many other posters have done as well.

I am step mother to a lovely 18 year old boy man. He's bloody wonderful & I love him to bits. I met DH over 10 years ago and knew that his DS was everything to him, and that nothing could, or would, come between them. Together, we did the gently-gently approach with DSS, and I only met him when DH (to be) and I were sure that we were solid & would stay together. DH's ex was not quite so careful & would regularly introduce new male friends into their household. Once she even got engaged to one of them. On Christmas day, when it was just her, the boyfriend & DSS celebrating together. Terribly tactful, no? DSS phoned his father in tears. He was 11 years old & his Christmas day had effectively been robbed by his mother's engagement to a man he barely knew.

So, not all mothers do the correct thing for their children. And not all fathers do the wrong thing for their children. It is not as simple as that.

MacDoodle, calm down and stop being so rude to me. I'm entitled to my opinion even if it differs entirely from yours..

The suggestion of one year is not carved in stone, but I think it would be best to wait about a year before introducing another adult into the child's life. It's not about MY opinion of how quickly anybody gets into another relationship (couldn't care less and in fact, my son was conceived when my relationship was dead, so I do understand that) but how many significant adults does a 2 yr old really need to be introduced to??

I'm not judging anybody, I'm not, honestly... If I met somebody I wouldn't introduce them to my children but that's my choice my decision.

Right over and out on this thread.