Advice needed over dp's ex!!

[fifisboys]

To cut a long story short..

I live with my dp and we are engaged to be married next year. He has a 2 year old dd with his ex and she is refusing to let him bring her to meet me.
There is no reason behind it at all, she has even said she has no reason for it, other than she doesn't want her dd to be with me.

I was just wondering if, legally she can dictate who dp can introduce her dd to, and how we go about fighting this.

Fifisboys can answer for herself, but I was desperate to meet dh's little girl because she was such a huge part of his life and a really important person to him.

They're getting married, he'd probably like her to be there, will probably like her to be a bridesmaid. And it's better that fifi and her dsd start to form their relationship now, rather than in a year's time and have a confused little girl at a wedding (if she goes) wondering who the hell this woman in white is.

And if you leae it even longer than a year how do you think she is going to feel when she looks as the photos when she is older and realises she wasn't included in an important day in her Dad's life.

Because it can be a very cruel thing Housingmanager. That's why.

I would think that a man who is already engaged to someone else when the child he had with his previous partner is only two is a complete shit anyway. It's extremely disrespectful to the child, to her mother etc.

If DH and I split we will spend YEARS and years making sure that the kids are adjusting to it all before we even began to think about dating again. That is how grown ups who are not selfish behave. It is how people who respect their kids behave. Granted DH and I both had horrendous childhoods as a result of stepmonsters and divorced parents into the dating thing too soon. It would be a cold day in hell before I brought a new partner into my dc life.

OP, do you think that the ex just thinks that maybe that you would be a bad influence on a little girl?

I think I said it on another thread. She may chill out when her dd is older but in the meantime you should back off. Your partners dd has nothing to do with you.

Maggie I think you are being very harsh and maybe too involved!
FWIW my XH and I split 3 years ago but we have DD2 who is 18 months old - complicated yes!
His OW has DD (with him) who is 5 months older than my DD2 - even more comoplicated!

I have a new DP and he is now back with OW - do I hate to send my 2 precious girls off with XH, OW and their baby to "play happy families" - of course I do it hurts like hell - but my priority is my girls and their relationship with their father (and their half sib) - if they are happy and feel comnfortable with him and his "new family" then so be it (as much as it hurts me) - but I wouldnt not let them have that chance to be part of his life because I was too selfish and immature to let them!
I would hate that when they grew up they would think thet I didnt allow them a chance to have a relationship with their father - and my LO is only 18 months so no she probably doesnt know, but she certainly seems to enjoy seeing him, and so be it!

Fifi seems like a sensible mature woman and her DP wants to see his DD, what business is it of ours or his ex when they are getting married ! As long as his XW doesnt have a good reason to dislike or mistrust Fifi then really she doesnt have a choice IMO !

Pramspotter what a load of shit !! Until you and your DH DO split how on earth do you know what you will or wont do!! And how very close minded of you to judge others when you know nothing of their story!
I have an 18 month old and am in a serious relationship with new DP - does that somehow make me a bad parent! As it is XH and I have been split for 3 years - with the odd attempt at reconsiliation (hence DD2) !

What a load of crap expecting parents to be celibate and lonely because they have split from the other parent of their children! Bet your DH wouldnt wait years and years and years

Yeah I think he would Macdoodle. He had a bad experience with steparents. Really bad. He's scarred. Children are more important than sex etc and they need an adjustmant period when their parents split.

And if he did meet someone else he wouldn't bring her around the kids due to his own beliefs. Not until the kids were a lot older and well adjusted. But what he would do is his business anyway. I wouldn't dream of a new partner until my kids were out of the house and at Uni.

of course the 2 year old should be allowed to meet a new partner
when should it happen ?
at the wedding fgs? they need to get to know each other otherwise she'll be thinking 'who is this woman who has married my dad'

Oh Pramspotter jolly good for you - thats what you will do but not what I or others do - how dare you even intimate that that is not thr "right" thing to do or that somehow YOU care more about your DC !

FWIW until you are in this position I would be wary of being quite so sure what you WILL do! Life is not quite that simple!

Macdoodle, lots of women (and men) think that their new partners are wonderful and don't even pick up on it when their kids are being abused, discriminated against in their own house etc. The parent is too caught up in all the romance.

What is wrong with being single, celibate, and being happy and moving on with your life at the same time. I have been married for 10 years but if something happened to DH I would be happier alone for the next 10.

And lots of men and women think their new partners are wonderful because they just are. And they are great step-parents too.

My goodness me! What surprising responses from some people.

Firstly, nowhere has fifisboys said how, when or why her DP's previous relationship broke down, so it really is not for anyone else to decide that it is too soon, etc., for him to be in a relationship with fifisboys now. That is just ridiculous.

Secondly, there are many double standards at play here. When a father is being a twunt, refusing to see his DC, etc., everyone says 'what an irresponsible twunt'. He needs to understand his prioties. How can he not think of his children, involve them in his life, etc., etc., We have all seen lots of threads about this. BUT...it sounds to me that fifisboys' DP is trying to do his best.

It is a very difficult situation and God forbid, should DH and I split up I would hate, loathe, detest DD to go off to him every other weekend, especially if he had a new partner. However, I would have to allow that to happen, to ensure DH was still part of her father's life. It would be very important.

You just cannot have it both ways - expect the father to maintain contact, to continue to be part of his DD's life, but then be soooo prescriptive about his new partner.

fifisboys, I'm afraid I cannot think of any good advice as to how you go about this, other than a gentle-gentle approach. Good luck.

I am sure that some are, but not most. Surfermum, a lot of people are just afraid of being alone and put their kids at risk as a result.

There is nothing wrong with being single. Kids have a lot to deal with and don't need the added bullshit that goes with the territory when mummy or daddy gets a new partner.

Pramspotter you are deranged - we should all hide away and not be allowed new DP's......in case they are abusive and we miss it - get a farking grip!
Lots of parents are abusive trust me I know!!
Hold on a sec - I wont let my DD's out the house in case a hurricane sweeps them away either!

Good luck Fifi - your DP sounds like he wants to do the right thing by his DD as do you !

Nothing wrong with being single - I was single and lonely in a marriage for 10 years!
Nothing wrong with falling in love and being happy either - my DC love both my and their fathers DP's - they are happy and loved with a relationship with both parents which is the right and main thing!

You can take your judgy self righteous attitude and p... right off!

You are right, there are some strange attitudes around!

OP, if your partner wants you to meet his daughter, XP has absolutely no right to prevent this. He should simply be patient and firm with her and I suggest you should support him in this and not get too stressed about it. If XP will not back down, best advice would be family mediation.

Maybe that's your experience pramspotter, mine is that "most" step-parents are lovely.

And a parent having a new partner doesn't have to have "bullshit" attached. My dsd and I have a lovely relationship, have done since the day we met. She accepted me from the start. And she has accepted each of the partners that her mum has had since dh.

And she has benefitted from having new siblings at each end, having two families and two extended families and 3 adult role models.

It's not necessarily a negative thing for parents to move on after separation.

Shiney & McDoodle - you are both spot on imo

pramspotter I'm relieved to see that somebody else has some common sense and some compassion.

I think at this point, arranging an introduction is about nothing more than point-scoring.

Fisiboys, you say you do understand to a point where she is coming from with this but "she has no reason other than spite to stop him having his dd with us". THis comment shows you have no comprehension of the situation. It's about exercising your right to see the child. YOU are the ones regarding her as property. This little girl doesn't need a step mother figure. She needs a happy mother first and foremost, and hopefully a Dad who doesn't trample over his child's mother's feelings just to exercise his rights. Good God. So much talk about rights over a two year old girl who doesn't have any inclination herself to meet the new partner.

I'm not judging anybody by the way. I'm just shocked by the lack of compassion and the inability to see the wood for the trees.

ps, Pramspotter, another point I agree with is that young children come before a relationship. I haven't had a relationship in two years and it's not a priority and it's not a sacrafice. My children come first. I totally agree that a man who is engaged to be married to somebody else already with a 2 yr old child has moved on TOO hastily to be a man who respects other people's feelings.

If I were in the shoes of the new partner I would be embarrassed on his behalf tbh. I certainly wouldn't go in all guns blazing talking about rights.