"If you hit me again you will regret it" - is this normal?

[DaySleeper]

Am a regular poster but have name changed as DH knows my usual nick name. Sorry this is long but background is required. DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years. We have DD, aged 7.5 months. We live in England but are not from here and family and old friends are a long way away. DH is a complex character; people who meet him socially would think he is the most chilled out guy ever. Actually, there is a dark and quite strange side to him that I don't understand and which to be honest scares me. He doesn't fly into tempers, quite the opposite. If we ever argue he will just withdraw into silence, like a stone. This used to really upset me and I'd be in floods of tears trying to get him to stop shutting me out. Now I just wait for it to pass. I guess a lot of men deal with conflict like that.

But the darkness, the weirdness, can be best illustrated by something that happened about 4 years ago. We were on a flight back from a holiday destination where we'd had a really lovely week. We'd had a fight on the last day because I had been careless in how I packed some of our diving equipment. On the plane he was still angry. 3 hours into the flight he burst into tears (first time before and since) and said he had to talk to me about something, he felt so bad about it. I prepared myself to hear him say he was having an affair (not that I suspected anything, it's just the obvious thing that sprang to mind). I was shocked by what he did say: that he thought I should have a nose job. He was crying his eyes out and saying "I'm sorry, I feel so bad to say this but I really think you should have a nose job". As context, I'm actually fairly attractive (although I definitely have what I like to think of as a Roman nose!) and the only people I told about this episode (my sis and my best friend) were pretty freaked out about it. About 3 years later DH self-diagnosed some psychological disorder where you become fixated on a physical feature. He saw a psychiatrist once but nothing seemed to come of it. He thinks he's fine, maintains he loves me, finds me attractive etc. The episode still resonates for me though. It sounds crazy but in my lower moments I looked on the internet to see what would be involved in rhinoplasty as I thought maybe it would help. Needless to say there is no way I'm getting this done though.

Now DH has never come even remotely close to hitting me but he is a big guy who lifts weights and works out on a punching bag most days and has an intimidating physical presence. He also snores. Last night, after a nice dinner and evening together, he fell asleep and started to snore. I shook his shoulder and asked him to roll over (v normal going to sleep routine for us). I then dozed and drifted for maybe an hour. I woke up when I felt DH had started tossing and turning quite violently in bed. I thought he must be sick and said "are you ok baby?". He said "I'm angry at you for hitting me in the head". I was gobsmacked, I hadn't - not that I was aware of, maybe brushed his head in my sleep, I don't know. But hitting?? No way. DH then said "If you hit me in the head again, I'm going to hit you." I'm now fully awake, shocked. I said "are you threatening me?". He said, "yes, if you hit me again you'll regret it." At that point I got out of bed and went to "sleep" on the couch. I couldn't sleep because I could hear DH was awake and I felt scared he was going to attack me. Maybe irrational. I was freaking out.

This morning I've gone to work without speaking to him and we are due to meet at something at 11.30. I emailed him, quite cool and formal saying "are you still coming, please let me know". He emailed back saying "only if you don't hit me again." I guess trying to make light of it.

Apart from this stuff DH is fine - we have long term conflict between him and my parents, but there is fault on both sides. He is a good father, we usually get along fine (we have generally had a good sex life but it has definitely been affected by the arrival of DD and me being back at work full time), he helps out around the house, is usually affectionate. I am the main breadwinner by quite a long way. I earn maybe 4 or 5 times what he does.

Please tell me what you make of my situation. Is my DH normal?

Sorry, I have not read the entire thread.

A book that might be useful to you is called
Disarming the Narcissist (Surviving & Thriving with the Self-Absorbed) by Wendy t. Behary.

It identifies several different types of narcissists and gives helpful scenarios in dealing with them.

Good luck. I sincerely hope you won't let him suck anymore of the joy out of your (or your dd's) life.

I don't know if he is a sociopath, he could very well be, but my experience of having a shortlived relationship with one is that because they have no conscience you can never predict what they will do in order to get their own way.

They are limited only by their imagination in terms of what they will do, and their only weakness is vanity- they think they are cleverer and more manipulative than everyone else so they never quite beliee that anyone could possibly through them.

if you do see through him OP, if you see him for what he really is, don't let him confuse you or fuck with your mind - trust your instincts.

Can I just say that reading this thread I'm a bit [hmmm] about all the amateur psychoanalysis going on. We have very little information given by the OP, all of it is coming from her point of view, which isn't to say that DaySleepers DH isn't showing worrying behaviour but for people to yell "Sociopath" or even "Psychopath" about a man they no nothing about is a bit weird.

It's obvious that DaySleeper is worried and therefore probably has good reason to be - after all she knows her dh - but unless any of you are Psychiatrists it does seem all a bit odd to be throwing in very worrying labels for this mans behaviour.

DaySleeper, it seems that you are doing the right thing in taking steps see a solicitor and a therapist for yourself. Also I urge you to talk to someone in RL that you trust. And a good idea to take some time away with kind friends if you can.

Good luck

I see your point, Claudia, but there's still a great value in holding up the behaviour and seeing how it compares to everyone else's experience. At no point in my marriage has it ever occurred to me to hide the passports. That's not normal.

The barging is the thing that really waves the red flags for me, because I used to work with someone who did exactly that. He used to come into work and boast about having knocked people over - his issue was people who wore backpacks slung over one shoulder, so they protruded into "his" space. I walked out of the job the day I realised that a meeting with him had escalated to the point I was mentally working out if I could beat him to the door and caculating where in his rounds the security guard was likely to be at the time because I honestly thought he was going to hit me. I subsequently worked in a company that had fired him for mental health issues that affected staff safety.

A lot of us on here have experience of DV and recognise similar sorts of behaviour going on. Many abusers, not all, are psychopathic. I'm studying feminist psychology anyway, and some of the behaviours here are classic.

I have been lurking on this thread and I wouldn't normally post but I feel I must agree with Claudia. I think if you do know a bit about psychology or have experience of a similar situation, sometimes it is easy to pick out the bits that are related to what you know, and draw conclusions which may not be right or helpful. The reason I say that is because I have a son with special needs and as a consequence, I am quite aware of autism and Aspergers. One of the thoughts that crossed my mind reading this thread is that DS's Dh could have Aspergers - I was thinking this because of the obsessions, the emotional shutting down, the rigidity and rule-based view of life. I am not saying at all that I am right - I think I most likely am not, I am merely using it as an example of how a representation of the same situation can mean different things to different people based on their own experiences and we should all be careful in generalising these about a person we don't know and have never met. People here are telling her to leave immediately - this is someone else's real life we are talking about and what she does will have an effect on her and her daughter for the rest of that life. Maybe leaving is the right thing to do, but in the end it is her decision to make.

Of course! Everyone tells me just leave, it took me 9 years to call Womensaid. That is what I suggest to you OP, call them and see what they say. But I will suggest you have a plan in case he does turn violent suddenly, which Womensaid will help you with. Hows it going for you?

Hi everyone, thanks again for all the thoughts. It has been a slightly surreal day going to visit friends who live a bit out of town - so a 1.5 hour car trip in total silence, followed by a few hours of playing happy families, followed by the silent car trip home. I haven't been able to speak to my sister as I remembered this morning that she and her husband plus my parents are all away together for the weekend (they are all in Australia) to celebrate my BIL's birthday.

Knowing I can speak to my sister this week, and knowing I've got my meetings with the family lawyer and the counsellor, are helping me get through the weekend.

I know some posters have raised concerns about violence. I can honestly say that I genuinely don't believe that I'm in any danger of imminent violence from DH. I don't dismiss the concerns lightly, it's just that I know DH and I don't think that's where he is. Whether he's a sociopath or has Aspergers or anything else- I just don't know and in a way it doesn't matter. The things I know are that he has scared me and I do live in a way which involves tip toeing around him. The latest incident has been the tipping point that has made me question whether I want to spend my life like this- and, more importantly, whether I want this to be DD's experience of life.

I think taking this to the next level in RL (seeing the lawyer, counsellor and speaking to my sister) is essential for me now. The posts on this thread have convinced me that the way we live is not typical or normal and I'm pretty fed up with it. Thanks very much everyone.

ps. I've ordered Lundy Bancroft's Why Does he do That from Amazon. Thanks junglist, I think I should read it whatever the outcome is on this.

Good luck with everything, you sound like you have your head screwed on. Stay safe.

I think you are taking a very sensible approach, and I wish you luck with it all.

He sounds a bit too Testosteroney in my opinion... is he on steroids??...He does sound aggressive (passive-type).

Wow, have red most of the thread.I felt I had to say something,I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years and some of what you say sounds very similar.
An abusive realtionship doesnt have to be physical youknow. actually i think the mental side of it is worse.
My relationship was mostly mental but some physical. The thing is with men like this is they like the control.
That is what your husband is all about and it sounds to me that this is what he enjoys.
just ask yourself this, if he loved you so much ( I'm sorry to have to be so blunt) but if he really did and respected you etc, would he want you to be scared of him? because he knows that he scares you, he knows that you tip toe around him and i'm sorry but he enjoys that.
The thing is, he knows that you will not do anything purposley to rock the boat as you dont want to upset him and i have to say that I think that the only reason that it hasnt got violent yet is because you diffuse the situation and you dont confront him therefore it doesnt have a chance to get out of hand.
I used to constantly think that it was my fault when I was in my situation becasue they turn it round and make you beleive that.
In the end you dont know what is normal anymore and that is the idea.
CONTROL. he has it, thats what it is all about.
if you were to stand up to him I am pretty sure that it would turn violent.
it took me 10 years to finally get the courage to walk out on my ex, i also had a child who was 14 months when i finally left.
its only when you are out of the situation that you can honestly see it for what it is, but please understand, it IS NOT YOU, ITS HIM.
There is so much more I could say, but please dont wast your life with this person, you sound like a nice person and you want your daughter to grow up like you not him.

Just to say aswell, I also hid my sons passport (just in case). i also would have NEVER left without my child, he used to say to me quite often when I said i couldnt take it anymore, "well you can leave but you're not taking him". I was too scared to leave and he knew I wouldnt go anywhere without my son. Again, CONTROL. In the end i did stand up to him and finally left i moved in with my mum for a year till I got myself on my feet. You can do it, you are stronger than him, he knows it too which is why he has to to dothe things he does.
Good luck to you xx

Hmm, I tought steroids too - it would explain his obsession with looks and his indimidating presence.... I knew someone on steriods once....

I just wanted to say that I spoke to my Mum today and told her what is going on. She was very upset but not surprised. It was such a huge, huge relief to tell her the truth about how I've been living. She is talking to my Dad about maybe coming over to Englad for a while if I want/need the support. I'm going to see how I feel after my appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday. I feel like a huge weight, the weight of secrecy, has been lifted off my shoulders which is fantastic.

On that note, I wanted to say that there is something in my post yesterday evening that is not right: I said that we had been out to visit friends. Actually, we just went out to a place in the countryside that DH wanted to visit. Why did I say we were visiting friends? Because I am embarrassed to admit that we don't really have any friends here. Why would I be embarrassed to admit something as trivial as that, when I've just put some fairly dark marital secrets out here? Well, I've been covering up our weird life for so long that I've become used to it. That's what I'm so fed up with, and it was such a relief to come clean with my Mum.

Thanks fairy73 for your post. It makes a lot of sense to me.

Hi, i'm so glad that you have told your mum. I kow what you mean about the secrecy thing, i did the same, in fact everyone used to call him a "gentle Giant" ha ha! how funny is that?! He was the total opposite but I covered up for him. Dont know why now.
I was thinking though that all these replies clarifying to you what you have thought for so long ( but werent sure of as he has made you think irrationally) must have been quite a shock to you, so take your time and do it your way.
Take all the advice you need and want but it is your life, take control yourself.
xx

DS, so glad you spoke to your mum and that it's no longer that big bad secret.

And don't fret about covering stuff up -- if you've got into that habit I know it's really hard to get out of it.

Hope the atmosphere's not so bad tonight?

You have lots of friends here. Modern, virtual means of connection but friends nevertheless.

I'm glad you've told someone, DS. I suppose that's the first step, whatever road it turns out to be. Well, you've told us of course, but we're just a bunch of internet loons

Well done for telling your mum DaySleeper. So good to hear that she's come up trumps with the support if you need it.

The previous 2 posts are correct, rl friends may be thin on the ground but you have internet support here should you need it.

Good luck x

Well done for speaking to your mum it must have been hard

What has your DH been like today ??

What has your DH been like today ??

I have just read most of your thread and wanted to lend my support also Daysleeper. I am glad you have your parents support and are positive about your pro-activity this coming week - def the right thing to do - arm yourself with the facts and information you need to make the best decision for you and your DD.
My history is by no means like yours but I thought I might share some similarities.
MY DH used to be a "stonewaller" in all arguments (I am sure his also derived from bad parental relationships) In the beginning of our relationship I believed - wrongly- that conflict and drama were an integral part of a relationship (I was young and inexperienced) so we had many of these silent episodes although my DH was never "threatening" in any way or in his silence iykwim? (in fact quote the opposite he was very vulnerable) Anyway I too have always been the main breadwinner and I think this does have a bearing, if only unconsciously, it does unfortunately often undermine masculinity in some ways especially if you are also the main organiser in the household as I am.
Our relationship reached a peak after around 6 years when we had a giant fight and I goaded him out of silence - it was wrong of me in hindsight but I have always been argumentative and opinionated! It culminated in some mutual pushing and shoving (def more violent on my part I am ashamed to admit ) and it shocked us both I think. Although I hasten to add I was never afraid of my DH and I am quite feisty and he is certainly no giant.
Anyway we made our way past this and my father gave me some of the best advice ever which is relevant not only in a relationship but in life (worked well with my old boss too). He told me never tell someone what they did or accuse them of actions but only ever to tell them how their actions/behaviour make you feel, the effect they have on you. This had always been a brilliant tool for me. It asks for no specific reaction and is not attacking or threatening, it is actually quite a passive action. The other dad advice is if you are not happy/OK with something tell that person that their behaviour is unacceptable to you and explain why. If your DH says he is adamant you hit him then I would prob tell him if you did, that was unacceptable but in turn his reaction and subsequent behaviour is also unacceptable to you. In fact your whole relationship is unacceptable to you atm - and rightly so. Are there loving areas of your relationship in the past? If there are do these good parts/episodes sustain you, is he affectionate and loving normally? My DH's family was not loving at all, but luckily he had made a good friends in his teens who taught him how to love. It is a bit worrying that you have no friends as a couple, do you socialise, have separate friends. Does he have any friends? It does seem that he is having some socialisation issues.

My DH and I have been together for 15 years now and we are great, the stonewalls nearly never happen anymore, we talk and discuss and though obviously there is always some petulant little mini arguments (washing up etc!) the big stuff is always discussed, I make a point of raising things that bother me before they fester and get to blow up phase. Also I try and tell my DH very clearly what I expect of him, what I want from him rather than expecting him to just know because he loves me. It is not very "romantic" but it certainly saves arguments! I like to think we have grown up together and learnt how to resolve most issues. Don't get me wrong we are far from perfect but a lot better now. Most importantly we are friends, best friends. I know this is not the way for everyone but it works for us. We have totally changed our lives over 15 years and we have done it together. I guess this is the crux of my rambling post, your marriage should be a partnership and while there is always ebb and flow, if you feel so alone (as you sound in your posts) then you (and your DD) deserve more. You cannot be responsible for his happiness, only your own, your DD will be happy if you are happy at this stage. If he has psychological issues, while you can support him he needs to be the one who acknowledges that and does the changing and learning.
You are intelligent and sound like a lovely woman, I really hope you get the resolution you want and need and soon. Being alone in a relationship is very hard
Good luck x

apologies for HUGE boring post