"If you hit me again you will regret it" - is this normal?

[DaySleeper]

Am a regular poster but have name changed as DH knows my usual nick name. Sorry this is long but background is required. DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years. We have DD, aged 7.5 months. We live in England but are not from here and family and old friends are a long way away. DH is a complex character; people who meet him socially would think he is the most chilled out guy ever. Actually, there is a dark and quite strange side to him that I don't understand and which to be honest scares me. He doesn't fly into tempers, quite the opposite. If we ever argue he will just withdraw into silence, like a stone. This used to really upset me and I'd be in floods of tears trying to get him to stop shutting me out. Now I just wait for it to pass. I guess a lot of men deal with conflict like that.

But the darkness, the weirdness, can be best illustrated by something that happened about 4 years ago. We were on a flight back from a holiday destination where we'd had a really lovely week. We'd had a fight on the last day because I had been careless in how I packed some of our diving equipment. On the plane he was still angry. 3 hours into the flight he burst into tears (first time before and since) and said he had to talk to me about something, he felt so bad about it. I prepared myself to hear him say he was having an affair (not that I suspected anything, it's just the obvious thing that sprang to mind). I was shocked by what he did say: that he thought I should have a nose job. He was crying his eyes out and saying "I'm sorry, I feel so bad to say this but I really think you should have a nose job". As context, I'm actually fairly attractive (although I definitely have what I like to think of as a Roman nose!) and the only people I told about this episode (my sis and my best friend) were pretty freaked out about it. About 3 years later DH self-diagnosed some psychological disorder where you become fixated on a physical feature. He saw a psychiatrist once but nothing seemed to come of it. He thinks he's fine, maintains he loves me, finds me attractive etc. The episode still resonates for me though. It sounds crazy but in my lower moments I looked on the internet to see what would be involved in rhinoplasty as I thought maybe it would help. Needless to say there is no way I'm getting this done though.

Now DH has never come even remotely close to hitting me but he is a big guy who lifts weights and works out on a punching bag most days and has an intimidating physical presence. He also snores. Last night, after a nice dinner and evening together, he fell asleep and started to snore. I shook his shoulder and asked him to roll over (v normal going to sleep routine for us). I then dozed and drifted for maybe an hour. I woke up when I felt DH had started tossing and turning quite violently in bed. I thought he must be sick and said "are you ok baby?". He said "I'm angry at you for hitting me in the head". I was gobsmacked, I hadn't - not that I was aware of, maybe brushed his head in my sleep, I don't know. But hitting?? No way. DH then said "If you hit me in the head again, I'm going to hit you." I'm now fully awake, shocked. I said "are you threatening me?". He said, "yes, if you hit me again you'll regret it." At that point I got out of bed and went to "sleep" on the couch. I couldn't sleep because I could hear DH was awake and I felt scared he was going to attack me. Maybe irrational. I was freaking out.

This morning I've gone to work without speaking to him and we are due to meet at something at 11.30. I emailed him, quite cool and formal saying "are you still coming, please let me know". He emailed back saying "only if you don't hit me again." I guess trying to make light of it.

Apart from this stuff DH is fine - we have long term conflict between him and my parents, but there is fault on both sides. He is a good father, we usually get along fine (we have generally had a good sex life but it has definitely been affected by the arrival of DD and me being back at work full time), he helps out around the house, is usually affectionate. I am the main breadwinner by quite a long way. I earn maybe 4 or 5 times what he does.

Please tell me what you make of my situation. Is my DH normal?

Wishing you well DS. Think you're coping with a difficult situation admirably.

Wishing you well DS. Think you're coping with a difficult situation admirably.

DS it sounds like you're doing well now, and starting to make real progress in putting things right.

however i just want to add something from my experience, re your DD.

basically, your DH sounds a lot like my father.

now, you say he is fine with your DD, and you may well be right. but children are deeply deeply affected by the way their parents relate to each other, and witnessing all this could f*ck her up for life, even if you think you are keeping it off her radar. obviously your DD is very young at the mo, but i would say that from the age of 5 or so i started to become aware of the strange atmosphere in my house, the way my mum was always walking on eggshells, and the way she became overly controlling of my behaviour so that she could protect us both from his silent rages. it is something i am only just coming to terms with, 10 years after leaving home.

interestingly my parents are still together, and the balance of their relationship has now altered beyond recognition, but i'm really not sure it was worth all the crap in the meantime.

i wish you all the best in finding a solution to this

Just read this whole thread.

DS keep strong, you are doing the exact right thing.

You keep saying DH would never hit you, yet he has repeated over and over to you that he would have no problem hitting you as long as he can make it out to be your fault! Very scarey.

I'm so glad that this thread has been so supportive for you.

Good Luck with everything.

DaySleeper your DH sounds terrifying. I'd be scared to live on the same street as him, never mind have kids with him. What if I walked the wrong way towards him on the street or he believed that I'd hit him when I'd just walked past him without touching him? I do honestly think that if he was my neighbour, I'd move house.

And the calm mechanistic smirking 'Just listen to yourself' sounds scarily psychopathic to me.

I cut and pasted this from a website about psychopaths who abuse - does it sound familiar to you?

Quote:

Ambient Abuse

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser ñ the suffering soul.

TIP

Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.

You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.

End quote

Dittany I really appreciate your concern. I don't think I can change DH, I really don't. He is like an immoveable rock.

This is what happened tonight: he came in from work while I was giving DD her bedtime feed, he doesn't say anything, doesn't look at me, doesn't come into DD's room, he just goes about his business getting out of his work suit. He then comes in at 7.45, which he always does to read DD a bedtime story. He doesn't look at me but engages with her, I hand her over to him, he reads her a story. I come back into the room at 8pm, he hands DD back to me, still not looking at me, I cuddle DD and settle her in her cot.

I come out of DD's room and he is sitting on our sofa. I sit down next to him. He's still not looking at me. We sit in silence for 5 minutes. I can't help myself and say something so I tell him I've made the Relate appointment. He says nothing. I ask him whether we are to not speak to each other. He says (speaking incredibly slowly) that I made it clear last night that I don't want to hear what he says. This is because I said last night that I find it draining to hear, every day, his "angry stories" about barging people out of the way when he walks home from work and about what idiots he works with. He says that I made it clear that I don't want to hear from him. He is deeply offended and insulted by this and is now proposing not to speak, unless he is certain that I will not "use it against him".

It is really hard not to completely lose it. The only thing that stops me is the thought of his smirking face saying "just listen to yourself".

Stupid question: when women leave marriages, do they just take the kids and move out? I can imagine myself moving out but I feel strange at the thought of taking DD with me- like I'm kidnapping her and it's unfair to him (just to be clear, I'm not going anywhere without DD, absolutely no way). I wish he would leave but I don't think he will.

When you say you couldn't help yourself but tell him about the Relate appointment, what did you mean?

Yes, you just take the child with you.

You are leaving the marital home, you are her primary carer - you are not doing anything illegal by taking her with you.

i wouldn't worry about being unfair to him - it's hardly fair to you (or your DD) that he can't even bring himself to have a civil conversation with you.

Oh DS I really feel for you.

Yes, you can just take your DS and go, nothing to stop you and you're not kidnapping her!

Do you want him to leave?

Lupusina - I meant I couldn't just sit there in silence, I couldn't help trying to find something to say. So I just mentioned the Relate appointment as something to say. I had always intended to tell him about it.

And MHE - yes, I do, I really do. Last night when he said he was thinking of going on holiday by himself while my parents are here in August, my first thought was "yes, please go, I can't wait until August". Awful I know.

And I'm not leaving DD. I am not doing anything unless she is with me. But I'm going to speak to a lawyer before I do anything drastic.

I'm going to bed now. I feel incredibly tired.

I hope you are keeping your posting on here secure daysleeper.

sleep well x

Well Daysleeper, I think that speaks for itself.

You and only you are in a position to help yourself. You know what you've got to do and I wish you the strength to do it.

You sound like a woman who has loads of strength and are extremely capable of doing it on your own.

I hope you manage to get a good nights sleep. Sweet dreams x

This man is dangerous, he is playing mind games and imo he is a sociopath. To put it bluntly he has a personality disorder and this is very difficult to treat, particularly if he is not willing to address any of his issues.

Be very careful about going to Relate. Imo Relate is great if the 2 parties are both prepared to communicate and are having a blip. It is likely that he will convince the therapist of how right he is and how your underlying anger is causing the marital tension. He has major personality issues.

The issue about barging people out of the way I found quite disturbing from a professional viewpoint (I am a mental health nurse)

You have been given lots of other practical advice on here (particularly by SGB and others too) so I won't repeat what they have said.

Thanks everyone. You are an amazing bunch of people and I can't tell you how much being able to share this is helping.

mrsboogie- thank you, I am careful to keep this secure.

onepiece - I'm going to go to Relate by myself for a bit and I understand what you are saying. I have had relationship counselling once before, in a long-term relationship a long time ago. It was very different- my ex-DP and I had our problems but we both really wanted to give counselling a go. Even though we ultimately did go our separate ways, we almost enjoyed the counselling (strange as that may sound). It was a very positive experience. I know it will not be like that this time. My DH does not acknowledge that there are issues that need to be fixed, except for mine. My ex-DP was a bit of a typical male, had buried his head in the sand about some problems we had, but then was very ready to own up to them and for us work together to resolve them. That is not the scenario in my current relationship. My DH is extremely clever and quite machiavellian in the way he thinks. I think that's why I'm so nervous about DD and residence etc. He will want to outwit me.

Your comment on the barging is interesting because of your professional pov - thank you.

Ok, this time I really am going to bed. Thanks again everyone who has posted. I'm very grateful to you all.

sorry for you daysleeper.
i tried to read most of the thread.
in general what i understand is; he has some big psychological issues, and he is taking on you, he is messing with your brain, he is playing with you.
please dont tire yourself with what he did, what he will do etc, dont go to details.
he is this way and he is mean as well. he can be violent in the future be very careful. because you dont know what is going on in his head, and he doesnt get what you trying to say, how hard you trying to help.
you cant change him, i dont know how he can be cured (if he can be)
please get rid of him, dont waste your life with him.

I should say, I don't mean to offend any males (or females) with the "typical male" comment- I just mean that my ex-DP was a pretty easy going guy who thought that as long as we continued to rub along together ok then everything was fine. He wasn't really into self-analysis/self-reflection or anything like that so counselling was a big step for him.

Wow DS. Your dp sounds like my ex. You just need to get out. He is f*king with your head. Really empathise, because it's hard to realise how strong a hold he has on you because he's not actually physically holding you against your will but you are asking yourself puzzled questions. Please take your DC and leave. Ask the questions, see the lawyers etc, afterwards. You need to get away from the headf*k asap. Thinking of you.

Have just read the whole of this thread from the beginning. It is just so disturbing.

You must be emotionally drained living with this man.

I urge you to be careful. As someone has already pointed out it does appear that he is displaying the classic signs of becoming a violent abuser - trying to insuate things are your fault when they're not, undermining your physical appearance are ways that abusers use to chip away at you so when they do eventually hit you they think you will be too broken to leave.

Junglist - you wondered why violence now and not before. Statistics show most DV starts during pregnancy or on the birth of a first child (OP has a young baby so fits the stats).

OK now I understand thanks sb. So NOT a psychotic breakdown then. I'm glad you're speaking to a lawyer, OP, but please don't tell him. He's got something brewing for you, I'm almost certain. The atmosphere must be awful, I understand it to a degree, but my P shouts and uses a bit of sarcasm, I shout back then it's over. I wouldn't shout at your P, though . Also it's good to go to Relate on your own, it won't do anything for the likes of him, unfortunately. Also call Womensaid, they really do know their stuff.

I don't know the legal inpact of leaving the martial home, however please speak to a RL friend or family member. I think all of us are becoming more and more concerned for you and your dd.

I have read your thread, Daysleeper. You sound like a very strong and intelligent woman. You will need to keep your wit.

Your husband sounds like my sisters exhusband. He was a psychopath. (Still is but that is another story)I think the main thing to remember about psychopats is that they are very manipulative, and they play a game where they make up the rules, and they know full well what they are doing. My sisters ex was nice and pleasant to the outside world. I will not ramble on about him and their relationship. But they did go to relate, my sister saw relate as one last chance. Well, it did not turn out how she hoped. Her ex was twisting and turning, making up stories about my sister, all with a nice smile, making himself out the long suffering partner of a deranged woman. By then, my sister was so worn down by his behaviour, she lost her minds control, and started crying and yelling out of frustration. While he kept cool, with a sad face "See what I have to deal with". So, please be very cautious about going to Relate. Or, go alone. Do NOT bring this man to relate, as he might manage to manipulate the situation such that he and the councillor "gang up" on you, and you start doubting yourself.

He is now probably planning his next move. He will most likely want to come with you, so that he can control the situation, and step up his mind games.

Please be careful. I would urge you to NOT put yourself in a position where you can end up with a trained mental health professional agree with him.

Sorry for going on.

Can I just say, my sister has gone from being a top world renowned international scientest, to a social wreck on benefits. She was strong, she was brilliant, she had her spirit and her intellect beaten the crap out of by a manipulative psychopath.