"If you hit me again you will regret it" - is this normal?

[DaySleeper]

Am a regular poster but have name changed as DH knows my usual nick name. Sorry this is long but background is required. DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years. We have DD, aged 7.5 months. We live in England but are not from here and family and old friends are a long way away. DH is a complex character; people who meet him socially would think he is the most chilled out guy ever. Actually, there is a dark and quite strange side to him that I don't understand and which to be honest scares me. He doesn't fly into tempers, quite the opposite. If we ever argue he will just withdraw into silence, like a stone. This used to really upset me and I'd be in floods of tears trying to get him to stop shutting me out. Now I just wait for it to pass. I guess a lot of men deal with conflict like that.

But the darkness, the weirdness, can be best illustrated by something that happened about 4 years ago. We were on a flight back from a holiday destination where we'd had a really lovely week. We'd had a fight on the last day because I had been careless in how I packed some of our diving equipment. On the plane he was still angry. 3 hours into the flight he burst into tears (first time before and since) and said he had to talk to me about something, he felt so bad about it. I prepared myself to hear him say he was having an affair (not that I suspected anything, it's just the obvious thing that sprang to mind). I was shocked by what he did say: that he thought I should have a nose job. He was crying his eyes out and saying "I'm sorry, I feel so bad to say this but I really think you should have a nose job". As context, I'm actually fairly attractive (although I definitely have what I like to think of as a Roman nose!) and the only people I told about this episode (my sis and my best friend) were pretty freaked out about it. About 3 years later DH self-diagnosed some psychological disorder where you become fixated on a physical feature. He saw a psychiatrist once but nothing seemed to come of it. He thinks he's fine, maintains he loves me, finds me attractive etc. The episode still resonates for me though. It sounds crazy but in my lower moments I looked on the internet to see what would be involved in rhinoplasty as I thought maybe it would help. Needless to say there is no way I'm getting this done though.

Now DH has never come even remotely close to hitting me but he is a big guy who lifts weights and works out on a punching bag most days and has an intimidating physical presence. He also snores. Last night, after a nice dinner and evening together, he fell asleep and started to snore. I shook his shoulder and asked him to roll over (v normal going to sleep routine for us). I then dozed and drifted for maybe an hour. I woke up when I felt DH had started tossing and turning quite violently in bed. I thought he must be sick and said "are you ok baby?". He said "I'm angry at you for hitting me in the head". I was gobsmacked, I hadn't - not that I was aware of, maybe brushed his head in my sleep, I don't know. But hitting?? No way. DH then said "If you hit me in the head again, I'm going to hit you." I'm now fully awake, shocked. I said "are you threatening me?". He said, "yes, if you hit me again you'll regret it." At that point I got out of bed and went to "sleep" on the couch. I couldn't sleep because I could hear DH was awake and I felt scared he was going to attack me. Maybe irrational. I was freaking out.

This morning I've gone to work without speaking to him and we are due to meet at something at 11.30. I emailed him, quite cool and formal saying "are you still coming, please let me know". He emailed back saying "only if you don't hit me again." I guess trying to make light of it.

Apart from this stuff DH is fine - we have long term conflict between him and my parents, but there is fault on both sides. He is a good father, we usually get along fine (we have generally had a good sex life but it has definitely been affected by the arrival of DD and me being back at work full time), he helps out around the house, is usually affectionate. I am the main breadwinner by quite a long way. I earn maybe 4 or 5 times what he does.

Please tell me what you make of my situation. Is my DH normal?

My DP does, or rather used to do the ston ewalling thing. I did the same as you. I pleaded for him to talk to me, only to be completely ignored.

I got fed up of the way the silent treatment made me feel, so I started by saying I'm glad you're being silent with me because I want to say my piece then I'm going out. I'd tell him what I needed to say and then I would go out. I would try to go to a friend to at least talk things through with someone and once I was feeling happier I would go home.

This has slowly, very slowly worked. I don't get the silent treatment anymore, or if I do, I no longer notice as I have stopped worrying so much about how he feels and more about how I feel.

I was also in a similar position to you, in as much as I was the breadwinner. (Interestingly, these changes have coincided with me changing jobs and him becoming the main earner).

I hope that makes some sense.

Ok, don't ask him if you can talk about what happened, or plead or beg or coax or anything like that. Just go to him (even if he's in ed) and talk to him about how unacceptable his behaviour is and that you will not be putting up with it any more, so either he changes or you're out. So what if he stonewalls you? It gives you the chance to say everything you need to say.

Ok, don't ask him if you can talk about what happened, or plead or beg or coax or anything like that. Just go to him (even if he's in bed) and talk to him about how unacceptable his behaviour is and that you will not be putting up with it any more, so either he changes or you're out. So what if he stonewalls you? It gives you the chance to say everything you need to say.

It is frightening when you cannot share a basic common level of 'normality' or rational thinking. I experienced this with my ex. It is very tiring and unnerving, and I would say, without counselling to address this issue, you will find yourself always making huge compromises at the expense of your own happiness and even your own mental health, to maintain the required status quo. I know you have a baby, and this makes it more difficult, but the stonewalling is impossible to live with long term, it is passive aggressive bullying. And the thing about your nose, and thing about being emphatic about you having broken it, all those things ring alarm bells. My ex used to say I was too plump one month, too thin the next. He was extremely popular and vivacious outside the house, and very different inside the home.

Things are really weird here. I started the way I wanted to: no pleading to talk, just came out and said I wanted a discussion. He said fine. The thing is, he is absolutely adamant (and I mean totally, totally adamant) that I hit him on Monday night. He thinks I'm lying about it to myself and to him because I don't want to admit what I've done because it's so awful (hitting him while he's in bed).

I am so, so terribly confused. I have no recollection of hitting him, I don't sleepwalk, I'm not a remotely violent person.

We talked about anger- he admits he has had some issues with anger but he says that since I'm back at work, I'm the angry one. So his view is that my anger built up and I eventually hit him. He thinks that the attitude of "if you hit me, I'll hit you back" is fine and says that if I hit him again he will hit me back and it will be the end of our marriage. This is not a good night.

Thanks Olympe - I agree that the fact that we can't share a common "normality" is one of the worst things. How can we have such different takes on what is going on? I am tying myself up in knots trying to work out if I did hit him. He says he is thinking about taking a break, going away by himself when my parents are here at the start of August. It is hard to admit this but I'm scared about what that means but also looking forward to it. I guess that's not a good sign.

That is weird. I don't know what to say to that. One of you is at least mistaken.

What are you going to do? If it was just this weird hitting thing I suppose you could draw a line under it and try to carry on as normal but its more than that isn't it?

Just a very quickie and not sure if anyone has mentioned it but the anger he feels towards his mother for being timid and not giving him any confidence seems to me as if he's angry with you for becoming the same as his mum, (does that make sense?)You do seem to be behaving like she used to do and he obviously can't live with it.

Agree with the fuck you then suggestions, stand up for yourself a bit.

Hope you're ok.

he just thinks you hit him out of nowhere? in bed in middle of the night? I am a bit worried for you tbh.

just read your last post and tbh, sounds to me like he is looking for a way out and trying to make it your fault.

What about if he says you hit him tonight and then hits you back as he's said he will. TBH, i'd be thinking of a way out,

Name changed for privacy reasons about my past below. I don't know what to say but I felt I couldn't read this not say anything.

Having been in a mildly violent relationship in my early twenties, I cannot emphasise enough how close this looks to me to be developing into something more. I don't want to scare you by being melodramatic, but it is almost like he is paving the way to hurting you. He has made his excuses and is doing the old 'you're mad' thing (that bad men have done for centuries) to confuse you, make you blame yourself and doubt yourself. He even has the perfect reason to hit you! You attacked him and you are angry and post natal. He even has your email conversation about it.

Or he has severe mental issues. Either way, it is bad for you and your daughter.

Please be careful and think about your options.

Good luck.

i simply can't cognitivley process this - i would call him a moddy fucking bullshitter who needs to fuck off or get help - tell him to stick the talking up his god damned arse - becuase as far as your concerned you arent' going to put up with his freaky power controlling antics any more. tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like he is 6 yers old and someone shat on his action man.

tell him to pack up and fuck off

absolutely agree with sorrytonamechange That's what i was getting at

costy I do so wish I had your way with words.

costy ?? WT..

Sorry custy

ooh i am going to be moody with you becuase i dreamt - DREAMT - you hit me.

now - i am going to play myt sick fuck games until you YES YOU start wondering around scratching your head wondering if you actually hit him

its bullshit

tell him to cut the shit - your not mental your not a loon, you dont go around hitting people and forgetting - tell him he is a fucking nut job who needs help

how the fuck are you still playing along with this sick fuck?

I think he sounds as though he has mental health problems,really truly he sounds very strange and the fact that he frightens you is key.You are feeling fear for a reason even if the reason is not apparent yet.He sounds as though he might explode at some point-I hate to sound over the top but your posting has worried me-I have no helpful advice,does one go to a GP with things like this? Would he agree to go to relate or something?

You're too thoughtful about all this. You think and you process and you think some more and maybe it's time to react intuitively and honestly.

It doesn't sound like you are happy. It sounds as though you are scared. His behaviour is very manipulative.

It's up to you whether you want this for the long-term.

He is weird, I know. He just says all this stuff so calmly and rationally and with a mild smirk on his face. If I start to get forceful he says something like "just listen to yourself" as if this proves his point. I'm not happy, I am scared and I feel trapped. If I didn't have DD I would end this now. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm really not. I'm so grateful that I'm financially independent and have a fab family. The only thing I'm afraid of is what happens to DD. I could not bear the thought of her not living with me. I think I'm going to see a family lawyer because I desperately want to know how custody would be worked out. I'm terribly afraid of him saying she should go with him to Australia, as there's a good chance he'd go back if we split up.

He is scary I have to say. When I told him I spent Monday night on the couch shaking with fear that he was going to come and hit me he thought that was funny. When I challenged him on that he just said "I can't be responsible for your reactions". If a friend told me this story I would say please leave. Quattrocentro is right - I am too thoughtful and need more action. To everyone who says to tell him to fuck off - he just pulls the smirking "just listen to yourself" thing to defuse me.

sorrytonamechangebut - I did have a slight worry that he was setting me up. When I said I was scared he said you don't need to be scared because whether I hit you is within your control. Don't hit me, I don't hit you. But I don't think I hit him in the first place. It's not like I would forget that I had done that, surely.

I'm so agitated now. We had an hour of conversation and then he has watched the rugby for 2 hours and is getting into bed. I'm going to have a glass of wine and try to think things through.

I'm really grateful for everyone who has posted on this.

Two possibilities here-

a) You did hit him. Maybe you are in denial? It seems unlikely, you are anonymous here and have less of an incentive to lie, but it's still possible. Maybe you've developed night terrors or periodic limb movement disorder and hit him unintentionally? Here's a link to a thread on the night terrors forum with links to youtube videos of night terrors. They can be pretty intense.

b) You didn't hit him. Maybe he dreamt it? Maybe he's making it up for attention? Maybe it's some weird kind of manipulation?

You've mentioned strange undercurrents in your relationship, I suppose the best thing to do would be to address them and this incident at the same time. Preferably with professional support (Relate, counsellor, whatever), his reluctance to properly discuss this incident does ring alarm bells.

So what if he whacks you and says that you hit him again?
How on earth can he hold you responsible for something you have no knowledge about.
You may or may not have hit him, but if you had in you sleep then it was unintentional!
He is saying that he will intentionally hit you!
I would be too scared to sleep next to this person, he could say you done anything in your sleep and use it as justification to beat you up.

He thought it was funny? Sorry but he is a sociopath. You need professional advice urgently and he needs to see a psychiatrist.

Can you get some family support around you when you decide to confront him with the need to address this issue?

Oh dear. I hadn't read this thoroughly, and I have to say the phrase "you don't need to be scared because whether I hit you is within your control. Don't hit me, I don't hit you." does sound very threatening in the context of you believing that you haven't hit him. You're right, it does sound like a set up...

Trust your instincts on this one, if you're scared of him then you most likely have good reason to be. That's not healthy in a relationship, ever.

See the lawyer. I very much doubt a UK court would give custody to a parent leaving the country, especially all the way to Australia. If only because your DD will have friends, school (or nursery, don't know what age your DD is) etc here and uprooting her because one parent wants to leave whilst the other is staying in the community your DD is a part of would be unfair on your DD. IYSWIM. Always best to get a lawyers opinion on this anyway. You can get some advice on how to arrange things so you can make sure a court would find in your favour in a dispute.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds horrible.

Sorry, strong rash words from me. Have now read thread properly.

Perhaps both times he was asleep (on plane and in the night with the 'hitting' thing). Perhaps he has a sleep disorder: he snores and was tossing and turning. Perhaps he had altered consciousness both times and then thought it was funny to joke about it afterwards. Or perhaps he is 'projecting' his own fears about night terrors onto you.

Perhaps you are disturbed too and are imagining things. Perhaps you did hit him in your sleep and this awoke some long buried memories.

Perhaps he is a dangerous, violent man waiting for an opportunity to explode.

Perhaps none of these things are true.

NONE of us, or you, are in a position to judge. You do, both, need professional help, as someone has lost insight about this situation.

Stop prevaricating and get some.

"I did have a slight worry that he was setting me up. When I said I was scared he said you don't need to be scared because whether I hit you is within your control. Don't hit me, I don't hit you"

Sorry Daysleeper, but this does really sound like a build up to him having an excuse to belt you. Like he may do it then say you belted him again and don't remember it again and then he can say he did warn you. IYKWIM by that.

I'd be out the door with my daughter and a suitcase.

Sorry, I know thats not a nice thing to hear and definitely not something I would want to hear from someone about my life/husband.

I don't normally post on these kind of threads as its not something I have going on in my life. I really am scared for you though . My husband does the stonewalling thing too sometimes but he's just a huffy swine and its all forgotten about the next day. He does it because he doesn't like confrontation.