SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Hello all!

I too have lurked about for a while and I just thought I would now be brave and dip my toe in the MN waters!

I have a partner with a longstanding alcohol problem - he has been pretty bad for about six years now. Increasingly he has not been able to manage more than a few days without alcohol - and really only does it if I am with him. Otherwise he goes on benders that have lasted days - the last one was about five. Drinks vodka and beers and will pass out on the living room floor at any time of the day. In fact the DCs have come downstairs for breakfast to find him still watching crap TV clutching a glass of vodka. He has lost his job in the last few months as he couldn't stay sober enough to ever go and we are in serious financial jeopardy as a result.

Unfortunately he is not a nice drunk - I will not go into details but it is pretty horrible for me and the DCs. He and I are struggling to maintain a good relationship - what a surprise! But when he is sober he can be very very nice - and a really great Dad - and the DCs love him - esp DS (who is a teenager). Having said that they have also told me to throw him out - my DD has sobbed at me to 'ditch him, Mummy!' and DS has often bellowed at him to leave us all alone and to stop picking on me etc (often at 2.00pm in the morning when he has music on loud and has decided to come upstairs and pick an arguement with me) - but they really only want him to go for a while not forever. There is lots more I could say - as you can imagine!

He has been sober/not hungover for seven days now (bit of a record!)and has done very well over the half term. He has done loads with the DCs and they are really happy. Now, a couple of weeks ago, after I had had enough and whilst my partner was in the grips of a huge bender I did something that I had been thinking of doing for a while. Last year we didn't really have a proper holiday and after checking this out with my DS, I booked us (me and the DCs) flights to Scandinavia for two weeks. I told DS that I was thinking of doing this and would he be OK about going away without his Dad and he seemed OK (surprisingly so but he was cross with his Dad at the time I guess). I said that we needed some space and that his Dad could go away himself for a break. I just wanted some space and I was sooooo angry with my partner - I just thought 'sod it!' I used to go to Scandinavia as a child/teenager/young adult a lot, I have lots of friends there who we can stay with and I want my children to do what I did as a child. And the flights were so cheap!!!! But - I have not told my partner as I know he would go mad - cue another bender! He would be really hurt - the fact that he has been sober for a week is supposed to make me forget the past horrific six years and so on. My DD doesn't know either - she would not keep a secret! But I have been hugging it to me as a sort of happy secret, an emotional hot water bottle. I know I will have to come clean soon and I know there will be fallout then but it has almost been like a source of comfort to me! I just keep saying to myself 'I am going back to ***!' and feeling so so happy!

However this eve DS says to me, only partly out of earshot, under his breath, 'Have you booked the flights?'. I prevaricated and he said that he didn't want to go any more. Essentially he doesn't want to go without his Dad and this is totally understandable, He loves his Dad and things have been good for him over the half term so now he can't imagine leaving him behind.

I just feel so sad - I want everything to be OK but past experience tells me that it is only a matter of time before the next bender. Meanwhile my secret is no longer the comfort it was - and I know that is selfish - it is the happiness of my children that comes first. I feel a bit stupid really - I certainly won't force DS on a plane and I don't want him to feel disloyal.

Anyway - sorry for the LONG first post! I know there are no easy answers here. Thanks if you have waded your way through all of this.

BodenGroupie

Its never too late to go to an Al-anon meeting; you stick with your decision to go along!. Its helped many posters on here.

I would make your house an alcohol free zone; do you drink with your H at all?. If so do not do this any more, drinking with an alcoholic is only enabling them. Does not help anybody and only gives you a false sense of control.

I guess as well your friends do not know the full extent of his alcoholism; alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy. How are your children coping with all this, how old are they?. I would argue as well that their world has already fallen apart already because of their drunken dad. They see how you react and take it on board. They also see and hear all no matter how much the non drinking parent tries desparately to hide it from them. You can paper over the cracks as much as possible but the cracks return.

Your main priority is your own self and your children - not him. You are ultimately not responsible for him.

tilly

Am going to start with some questions for you.

Do you love this man still after all he's put you all through?. Do you feel responsible for him?. What would it take for you to walk away from all this for good?
You don't mention taking the children and leaving him; have you considered that?. Going on holiday with the children is a good idea and I think you should all go but you will come back to the same old and his ongoing alcoholism. He is now also unemployed due to his drinking - that says an awful lot.

He is patently NOT a good Dad if he can only stay sober at most for a week. In the past too your kids have told you to throw him out!!. The children are learning from you and him about relationships; what are you both teaching them here?. Being in a household with a drunken parent as well is no fun at all (and that's an understatement) for the children and can be highly damaging to them.

You need to realise as well that this man's primary relationship is with drink (as he is no longer working who is now buying the alcohol?. You?). Please don't buy him drink if you are doing so, this will enable him and only gives you a false sense of control. Your children and you are well down his list of priorities even if you all figure on it in the first place.

Have you also thought about contacting Al-anon as well, they could help you and also show you what role you are playing in this situation. Many women in these situations end up acting as their partner's enabler; making excuses for them, covering up all their mess they made. How many of your own friends know about his drink problem?.

Him going on a bender after you tell him you're all going on holiday is his choice; you are not responsible for him.

You have a choice ultimately re this man - your children have no say. You are still not ultimately responsible for him - only your own self and your children.

Thanks Attila. My girls are 13 and 15.

It's interesting what you say about making the house alcohol free and drinking with him. I have one glass of wine with a meal, weekends only but the rest of the bottle disappears. He also has a stash in the garage.

I'm already worrying that the eldest has an unhealthy attitude as (like her friends) she believes it's an essential part of a night out (though she's frightened enough of me to have stuck to one drink so far). However, they are both pretty disgusted by him as they rarely see him awake. We've been lucky that he's not a nasty drunk, just a sleepy one but I don't want to spend the rest of my life lonely because of it. He's also had a few accidents (falls and cuts and bruises, not car) which they've witnessed.

As for friends, most of what we do with them involves alcohol (barbecues, meals etc) and I haven't given too much away out of embarrassment. They just treat him with affectionate amusement. He has fallen asleep on the loo during one dinner party and not reappeared for 45 minutes. At another he actually fell off the loo in the room above us.

I don't know whether I want to fix this marriage or get out. I do feel responsible for fixing him as I fix everything else. Getting out is terrifying - I've seen enough couples split in our small village to see how devastating it is for everyone, children, friends, family etc but all I'm getting out of my marriage now is a nice house .

Hi BG,

Drinking with the alcoholic is enabling behaviour; it does not help the alcoholic in any way and just gives the non alcoholic person a false sense of control.

Your daughters both need help as well. Alateen is a good place for them to contact - its the teen version of Al-anon. You as their Mum certainly need support and Al-anon could well help you (they have a telephone helpline and they have leaflets on alcoholism).

I can only reiterate you are NOT (repeat ad nauseum) repeat NOT responsible for him although like many women in these situations you do feel some responsibility/co-dependency towards him. He does not give any of you the same consideration does he?.

You have mentioned no indication of him wanting to address his alcoholism. Like many as well he is likely to be in denial and badly underestimates how much he is actually drinking. You cannot make him seek help unless he really wants help. He could lose everything and still carry on drinking - there are no guarantees here.

Getting out is perhaps terrifying but you only have one shot at this life and one day (and that day will come very quickly) your DDs will leave home. What then for you?. What sort of life will you have then, you're all not having much of a life now. A nice house does not compensate, it does not even come close. Them also growing up with a drunk parent is not doing them any favours at all and it does affect them. Its certainly not helping you, you can't even bring yourself to talk to anyone openly about his alcoholism out of embarrassment and shame. Alcoholism as well also thrives on secrecy.

Hi there all, and welcome to all the newbies? what a great club we all belong to, huh?

I?ve been lurking for quite a while now, as I felt (and still feel) as if posting on my news would be all wrong. Today is DH?s three-month anniversary and the longest I?ve seen him without a drink in 20 years. We are happy and working through the issues, practical and otherwise and still chat a lot about the drink, as our personal one-to-one therapy. AA and Al-Anon have become essentials; DH?s gratitude to AA is immense, he has a sponsor and is even trying to help others.

It is still one day at a time, but that?s all it will ever be, and stopping uselessly projecting about the future and concentrating on today is a fair deal once put into real practice. Today, three months. Tomorrow?. we?ll see about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

To the oldies-but-goodies ? keep remembering it?s about you and your DCs and do your outmost to put them, their safety and well-being first.

To the newbies ? you are in a good place to get support, advice and a helping hand. Al-Anon helps a lot, you need to know you are not alone, or unique in this plight and that there are indeed things you can do to make it better.

Which brings me to my hesitation in posting? we do all sorts of things to ?make it better? thinking making it better will bring the alcoholic back in the long run. It may. It may not. That?s why it is so important to remember that it is about your DCs and your life. As Attila would remind us: You didn?t cause it. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it.

I promise not to be a stranger and be around more.

PS: Ready, dirty grey-yellow eyes are bad news, but still his bad news. Be prepared for a hospital stay in the not too distant future.

PPS: Gosh, I've gone on a bit today, haven't I? Talk about overcompensating!

Thanks Attila - I knew it was a good idea to come out of the closet as it were - you are talking real sense. It's stuff I know - of course I do - but it is good to hear others say it. I will, one day soon I hope, have the courage to act on it.

I don't know whether I do love him any more - I used to sooo much. We were the couple that others looked to as a role model and it was not a sham. We have been through a lot together and I thought he was the other piece of my jigsaw. But the last six years (there were signs before but not much more than that) have been hell and my compassion for him and his problems has slowly been eroded.

In the last few months to a year many more friends/family know. Still not very many as I am too ashamed but enough for me to have a good support group. My sister lives a long way away but she is fantastic and her husband is too - I have other friends who are give good roles models as well.

Got home at the same time as the kids this afternoon - as I always do 'just in case' and guess what? He's passed out on the sofa - loads of empty bottles and the house stinks of beer.

My DS says that the answer is to not let him have access to any money as if that is a normal way for a father to be and something that can be sustained long term. I have shut down most avenues for cash for him but he always finds a way. He has opened up a new bank account (or reactivated an old one) and I am afraid that he is going overdrawn - I have already bailed him out of debts quite few times. We do have one bank account together still. It has nothing going in but he has made that one overdrawn.

No I don't buy him booze although I am ashamed to say I used to - the quicker he passed out the sooner we got peace. Anyone familiar with that? You are right - the children are getting a really bad idea of relationships, how a father should be etc. I do worry tho'. DS seems quite relieved - almost grateful - that he has passed out and I don't know how to try and get it through to him that this is completely unacceptable without seeming to 'badmouth' his father (if we do split up - when?) I don't want to be accused of poisoning them against him. I get that already. It's another guilt I carry.

Well - we are going out... It is a lovely eve and even tho' I think it is bad for us to be hounded out of our own home, we will have a better time. No homework so that's OK.

Thanks for your support!

tillypolonski, no matter what you do, you'll get wild accusations made about your behaviour and actions. Accusations about "poisoning the children against them" are so commonplace as to be almost de rigeur. I know it's hard to do, but try not to worry about such rubbish. It's the alcoholism talking; you just have to expect any accusation, threat, denial or general bullshit necessary to divert attention away from the boozing. The trick is to realise that it's self-serving crap and to ignore it.

I think you'll have a problem explaining to your DS that his father's behaviour is unacceptable. Because, ultimately, you are accepting it. I don't say that to make you feel bad. I say that because I've been in the same situation and the realisation that I was - unwittingly - accepting behaviour from my (at the time) DP that I saw as totally unacceptable from anyone else.

What you have said about your DS, his opinions about his father's drinking and his relief at him being passed-out are significant and of concern. He seems to be very emotionally involved in his father's drinking and is obviously trying to think of ways of controlling it (eg, by suggesting you restrict money). It's vitally important for your DS to learn that, above all, his father's alcohol abuse is not a problem that DS has either a responsibility to solve or any influence over.

I really would recommend a book called "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie. I've also heard very good things about the Getting Them Sober books. The Alcoholic Relationship Survival Guide from Empowered Recovery is also worth a look, too. Don't expect a list of things you can do to stop your DH drinking, though - the prime purpose of all these resources is to help you find ways to reduce the effect your DH's drinking has on you and your children. That doesn't necessarily mean divorce, but it does mean working to pull your attention off of him and to put it on yourself.

Hi all, and welcome newbies

I've not caught up properly, todays been a rather strange few days as I've been really brave, and told my hv and my 2 closest friends exactly or almost exactly the situation.

Sun night we went to a rather nice pub [driving so tried a rather yummy fruitiser]for a natter, and although my friends knew a little of the situation, they didn't know how shit it is. one of them has an uncle who has just been sectioned with alcoholic dementia, and 5 years ago he had everything. now I'm beginning to talk about it the spectre of it[it being the fact my dh is an alcoholic] is reducing.

Anyway gunned up by the feeling of relief I phoned my hv, who is fab. My actual answerphone message was asking her to come and weigh dd2, because I'm crap at asking straight for help, however she read between the lines and phoned me back yesterday sfternoon, and arranged for this morning, and it was such a relief to explain just everything. I was even brave enough to say there is a history of dv, and mentioned the police report, although I didn't mention anything specefic [too wussy, twas hard enough just saying that]. Seemed ok at the time, however 10 mins later thinking it over in my mind after she's gone while pegging out nappies I just shook, with tears streaming. at one point she even got up off the sofa, and came across to where i was sitting keeping dd2 occupied and hugged me. that to me is a massive thing in it's self. and she commented thatit must be a terrible strain.

Anyway, I'm partly waffling on because I want to shout from the rooftops about how brave I think I've been and to say to all you others that a problem shared really is a problem halved, although I'd still reccommend being picky about who you share it with, not the playground gossip ie.

Phew, now to catch up properly

Ok, now I'm trying to catch up

I've found this on t'internet, and it offers a little advice which was new to me, and I found interesting. Also, here's the link for detachment

Tilly, have you looked into al-anon, and alteen? I've been too wussy to contact them so far, but theyhave really helped SS and ginny and others, and alteen might be just the thing for your ds. Hope you get to have your hol in scandinavia, sounds like just the break you all need. maybe being away from it all will give your ds a chance to think clearly.

BG, I would second Attila about not drinking at home. I have very strict rules for myself re drink, as I feel it is important for me to set the moral high ground, if nothing else. I don't drink in the home. I will drink a max of 3 units if I am out with a friend/s and that is at most twice a week. Not that I get out much

I also agree with the secrecy. My attitude is that it is an illness, and that is how I present it to the friends that know, and also to ds when he asks.

Most importantly, please repeat Attila's 3 c's ad infinitum. You cannot fix him. only he can do that, and the best advice I can give until he decides he's ready to address the problem is to not mention it. life here has become so much more peaceful now the arguments about amount/frequency are not happening. It's hard, when all you want to do is take them by the scruff of the neck and shake some sense into them. Plus, and I don't know if your dh is like this, but if I bring up his drinking, and/or the consequences in the past he becomes very defensive, and drinks to blot the shame.

snowie COnGRATS for reaching the 3 mth anniversary and well done your dh. keep posting, it reminds us that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Dh has been fairly sober the last few days - he's no money left and is reduced to counting the coppers in the jar. jsa is due in tomorrow, and I'll be taking most of it and putting it into my account. not to control him, but to ensure we eat

to everyone. wishing you all peaceful evenings.

Thanks for the good advice, everyone.

Yes, Attila, he is completely in denial - he does not have a problem, I do!

I'm confused by the difference between enabling and not being responsible for him particularly regarding drinking in front of him. I am very strict with myself about drinking, but what happens when we go out? For instance, going to a friend's barbecue on Sunday. Can I have a glass of wine or is that enabling? Is it an issue that other people will be drinking around him? I don't know how you fit this situation into normal life - I don't want to give the impression that everyone we know is drunk all the time, far from it!

Also, hoping to get to an AlAnon meeting next week. Did you tell your DH/DP first?

Snowie - fantastic news. I am really pleased for you both. He is doing really well and it sounds like you both have the right attitude.
Ready - well done. You have taken one step towards the end of the tunnel by telling people. I found it really hard to confide in friends, but on the whole they are great about it. My worry was that everyone would treat him differently since we got back together but nobody has.
Hi Tilly and BG - Do try Alanon. I found that it made me question my own behaviour about his drinking. I used to argue and shout at him, try my hardest to keep him out of the pub, pretend I was drinking wine too and throw it down the sink just to stop him drinking so much but all of that just made me crazy and him drink more.
Its hard to put into practice but at the end of the day its their life. If they want to drink themselves to death they will and nothing will stop them so you have to concentrate on yourself and your dc and grow a very thick skin.

Also, I have discovered that when I stopped being so bothered about his drinking, it lost some of the appeal. He used to enjoy 'getting one over on me' and sneaking off to the pub and lying. Now I don't try and stop him its not as much fun for him.
Part of it for him was the game - sitting in the pub with his idiot mates giggling about how they have escaped their wives clutches to the pub - hilarious
Nowadays I'll phone him in the pub and tell him what we are doing without him and how it would be lovely if he was with us ... but never mind, I'll see him when he's sober again

Ginny, that does sound familiar! I can't believe that DH, at 56, still likes to rebel. Also, I've never met his friends...he has a whole life I'm not involved with - names never get mentioned and I know he often drinks alone (but he doesn't have a problem....) Even the men that I do know (husbands of my friends that we socialise with) do make the odd comment about him being "allowed out".

BodenGroupie, I've heard lots of different opinions about whether you should drink in front of someone with a drink problem. Some people say that you should carry on with your life as normal and leave them to make their own choices, others say that to drink in front of them will merely encourage them to drink more.

For what it's worth, my view is that if someone with a drink problem is going to drink then they'll use whatever excuse/justification they need to do so. So if you want to have a drink then have a drink.

That being said, I ended up not drinking when my alcoholic ex was drinking. This wasn't because I thought it would have any affect on her drinking but, rather, it was because I could cope with her getting drunk and kicking off a lot better if I was stone-cold sober. If I'd been drinking too then I'd be much more likely to argue back and that just made things so much worse.

I think it boils down to doing what you want to do for reasons that are best for you. Don't consider what effect those decisions will have on your DH or his drinking. His choice to drink (or not) is not your responsibility.

As for telling him you're going to Al-Anon... Why not? Just be clear to him that you're going to Al-Anon because you think it might be good for you; you're not expecting to change him.

Ginny, Ready ? thanks for the congrats, it means a lot. We?ve found a couple of parallel AA/Al-Anon meetings that we are hoping to go to regularly so they don?t eat so much into our time together (he?s doing two meetings a week already, both in the evening and I?m still working full-time), so I?m looking forward to getting the arrangements set up for that and regular babysitting for DS so that we can do it.

BodenGroupie, when my DH was drinking heavily, I used to drink too to numb it all ? my drinking or otherwise did not have any impact in his own consumption, but as Ginny says, this is about what works for you. Now he is sober, we don?t keep any drink in the house and as I don?t go out and socialise, I don?t worry too much about what to do outside the family home. The thing is, we all worry about what others will say? did they notice he is drinking too much? Will they ask why I am not drinking? Funny ? one thing as bad as the other, or is it? At the end of the day, it?s your life and they are not living it, be honest, be straight and don?t be afraid. By and large, the response you?ll have from people will pleasantly surprise you and be a source of support.

Tilly, the advice about Al-Anon and Alateen is sound. Being a teenager is hard enough in itself without having to deal with the fallout from having an alcoholic parent. Alateen would help a lot, but please realise you need help too and you can get it from Al-Anon. Regarding the accusations, all I can say, is alcoholic thinking will bring them forward regardless of what you do. Disregard everything he says when under the influence: no doubt he does believe it to be true, but that?s what the drink is doing to him. Don?t let it do it to YOU by giving any of his statements weight and value. This gets really hard when they say nice things you?d like to believe, but it?s all coming from the same pot ? stand by what you know it?s right in your thoughts and actions, that?s all you can do.

Ready ? well done, girl, well done.

Keep on keeping on!

It's all spiralling downwards here but Snowiebear 'stand by what you know is right' is what I will do.

My partner has been drunk/on his latest binge now for two or three days or so and the fall out for the children is huge. He now says that it is all my fault and that I have never helped him etc. I wanted him to talk to his parents but he says he will never forgive me if I speak to them about what is going on. He doesn't want to upset them because they are in their seventies but ignores the fact that my 82 old father was in tears begging him to stop drinking for the sake of his grandchildren and his family and that he and my mother have offered all the help they can to him (a place to go when he is on his own etc.) - my partner has never got on with his family especially and has always said that my family have been kinder and more like a family to him than his own.

He is now demanding his 'due' - he says he will leave us all if I give him enough money! I have always worked full time - I have needed to because he hasn't ever really worked - and brought in the family money and that isn't a problem (although I would love to work part time and spend more time at home with the kids). However, because he is drunk a lot of the time, my partner doesn't do much child care - only when he feels like staying sober. I cannot rely on him - I don't know when he will decide to do anything so I have to be ready to do it - as well as being the security for the children.

I have funded him throughout our partnership in his academic studies - undergraduate, postgraduate (Ph.D), postgraduate (a vocational M.A. which he has not finished because he was too drunk a lot of the time to get to uni so I carry a debt of about £3500 for this on my credit card). I really respected him and loved him and wanted him to feel good about himself and do what made him happy - I don't care what he does as long as it is something that the children can respect him for too - but this has not happened - not for a while. In the morning he is either asleep and too hungover to get up or occasionally still up and drinking vodka - I go to work, the children go to school and he stays at home. He then usually drinks more vodka or lager but occasionally does some work around the house. He finds this demeaning I guess but it is always thrown at me as how I couldn't do without him. The the money he spends on alcohol, I could employ an army of cleaners and they would be nice and wouldn't shout at me afterwards! However now he wants me to 'set him up' in a flat because he wants his rights financially - and then he will leave us alone. What message is that for the children?

I will seriously think about Al Anon etc. The only trouble is that my partner tried AA and it has been a bit of a nightmare since because he keeps telling me that he is an alcoholic and therefore can't help it. I am sure that this is not the message that they are giving him but one time not so long ago he went to an AA meeting after a binge and they were , according to him, really understanding - and for him (although I am sure this is not what they meant) that more or less condoned the behaviour. However he doesn't go now.

I hope people will be pleased to know that I have taken legal advice and that I will try and speak to someone again this am. to work out what I can do next. I am not prepared to let my children be exposed to this and to live in the purgatory - I want him to leave and my legal advice before was that I more than enough grounds (even before the last few weeks which have been worse) to get him to leave and to take out an injunction so that he cannot harrass/hurt us. The trouble is that he is never sober at the moment and I don't know what you do vis a vis someone who is drunk (i.e. cannot stand up properly)and who will not leave the house (and he really has nowhere to go as his friends are either too far away or too pissed off with him to give him a bed.)

This is the culmination of about six years and I am so scared but I need to do what needs to be done tomorrow (today?) so that my children and I can get in with living a normal life as opposed to this hell we are in.

Somehow writing it down makes me more determined to do the right thing for my children - so thank you for that.

Tilly

I hope you manage to seek legal advice this am; this situation is not at all sustainable and is highly damaging for you and your children. You may well have to use the police too in order to get him to leave. I would certainly take out an injunction as a matter of course.

I sincerely hope you manage to get legally shot of him for good; he is no good whatsoever to be around and highly damaging to all who are around him. The enabling you did re paying for his studies as well; that money would have been better spent on yourself and your children. Think you realise that now.

Always remember as well you are NOT responsible for him. The fact as well that he dropped out from AA (and I would not believe anything he uttered re that organisation) is very telling as well.

Good luck to you, you can make a nice life for yourselves without him in it. Use all legal avenues.

And do go to Al-anon as well; at the very least speak to them and get their information.

Tilly

Have to echo that - you are not responsible for him.

And the determination you have shown throughout this speaks volumes for your future - you are already surviving without his imput so when he leaves you will be better off and will cope.

What little housework he does doesn't matter. Your children would be better off in an untidy house than living with this negative, toxic and incredibly draining man around.

As far as I can see he has no financial rights as it is you that has earned all the money.

He is an adult and as such is responsible for himself. Getting him to leave might be the only wake up call he will ever respond to - but if I was in your position I wouldn't want him in my life, for my children's sake.

Stay strong and take care.

Tilly, just want to send you a hug, have been in a relationship with a guy like yours, it's so draining and you sound so strong, do what is best and draw on all the support you can find, you are a brave lady

Hi Tilly, I so know what you are going through. I'm at work at the moment but have the house to myself tonight so will reply more fully later.....SSX

Hi Tilly & BG

I was in exactly the same situation as you in 2007. I went to Al Anon (and told him where I was going!) before I made any decisions about what I was going to do next almost a year later.

This, I have to say, was the best thing I could have done to start with. I learnt to let go of the bitterness, disappointment, anger, resentment, hurt....to stop punishing him for not being the husband that he once was, to realise that although I knew deep down he did still love me, he loved the drink more. That I would never ever win because drinking was a compulsion over which he had absolutely no control.

What all us partners of alcoholics have to realise is that we are as sick as they are - very hard to take that on the chin when you are busy spinning all the plates and he's doing naff all 24/7!

Once I understood what alcoholism was all about I started to get better; by putting 'the focus back on myself and taking it off him'.

Unfortunately, my changed attitudes were not enough to save our marriage and I made the most painful decision ever to file for divorce .

However, I do know that changed attitudes have helped the alcoholic to seek sobriety - I know of several couples where it has worked. So I don't want anyone reading this to just give up straight away.

I must also stress that Al Anon has worked for me but it might not work for everyone. I can understand how it doesn't work for some - it is not a case of 'oh I'll go to Al Anon and they will tell me exactly what I need to do to get the alcoholic to stop drinking'. It is not a quick fix either - more a work in progress. And you have to be patient enough to allow time for the healing process to start. Everyone is so different, and we have different degrees of desperation.

Personally, I found that through Al Anon there was life outside of the hellhole that was home; that it was ok to laugh, joke, actually have a life that did not revolve around the alcoholic. I also started to let go of what I thought I deserved and stopped punishing him for his failures.

Tilly, you asked for advice about finances as you've paid for everything and he hasn't etc etc.
Why don't you CAT me, then I can explain more fully what happened with me - it will give you some idea what to expect & what you have to do to protect yourself & your DCs.

Hope this has helped. SSX

Hi all - also checking in. Boden, your DH sounds JUST like mine - my girls are younger than yours though, 4 and 7.

My DH is currently asleep on the sofa. Like you Boden, my DH is a sleepy drunk, he tends to just zone out by about 9.30 or so (that's after about an hour or so of me listening to him talk complete bollocks over dinner). So unless we have company I do spend every friday and saturday evening alone, mostly on the PC or reading. Not much fun I guess.

Here's what I've been doing so far. I recognise it's a long journey but every one starts with a single step and all that.

I bought some books off Amazon and read them, I have also confided in a good friend, she was great and it felt like a relief to be open about things not being great.

I had a very calm and reasonable conversation with DH about his drinking saying I was concerned for his health and the future of our marriage. He admitted he has a problem but then a few days later went into a big sulk saying he is being unfairly criticised and since then I have seen nothing but denial. If anything he has been drinking more. I have started keeping a diary of his drinking to show to the drug/alcohol person at our GP's - still haven't made an appointment to go see them however!

I have also started a healthy eating/exercise regime and have lost 7lb's and already feel much better. I really need to put "me" first more often.

I have also planned activities for me and the girls at weekends - today we went swimming, tomorrow we will go for pizza, if he is sober and wants to come, he can, if not, then we will go anyway.

I still feel very afraid, have lots of concerns and worries but I am just trying to arm myself with some info and take this slowly without worrying too much about what the final outcome might be.

I love this thread, it is so useful and so helpful to know there are others in a similar boat. Lots of love to all.

I posted a long time ago on the last thread, and have just spotted this part 2.

My DH is an alcoholic and he has been sober since 15th January 2007. We've been chatting about this thread and he tells me that he knew in his heart that he had a problem a long, long time before that. Looking back the signs were there.

He goes to AA once a week which his sponsor says is not enough, but what with a full-time job, a growing business and 2 children there aren't enough hours in the day! Life for us now is remarkably good, considering that 2006 was a horrendous time. His drinking was at its peak and he was scruffy, did not have good hygiene, was acting oddly and was hiding cider bottles all over the place.

The change in him has been incredible and although I can't pretend that it has been an easy journey, we are getting there and I am very proud of him.

Alcoholics can become sober but they must never drink again. I support him by not drinking too. I don't miss it and DH tells me that life is wonderful without alcohol. He still takes anti-depressants and at some point we'll need to tackle those as well.

I did see a counsellor at one point and that was helpful. I'd still like to know why he drank like he did, and he is working through the steps with his sponsor so maybe one day he'll work it out. There is a family history so we are hopeful that our sons will break free of alcoholism as they will grow up without seeing alcohol being drunk at home.

I am truly aware that this current sobriety may change in an instance, and every now and again I get the fear if he seems unhappy.

Hi all, just popping by quickly to see how everyone is.

tonight I asked him to leave the house, he'd been obviously drunk since 3pm and in a foul mood. culminated in him throwing dd1 (thank god she's unharmed) and hitting me. took kids upstairs, called the police. atm he is in a cell sobering up. I am numb, I know everything will hit me later.

so this is it. Finished. Unless he can sort himself out, I face at least a year on my own. I have spent tonight trying to explain alcoholism to ds, who is 5. have had to explain that daddy won't live here for a while. afahek daddy is sleeping off his beer before he has to go on the time out step at the police station.