SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Ready, thanks for the link. Things on there I hadn't thought of.

Really hoping it won't get to that stage, keep thinking surely he can't really throw away what we have for the sake of his cans....anyway as I say time will tell x

I will keep growing them, and will also take his if he lets us down again!

South, from experiance, the beer will always come first. if nothing else, keep all essential paperwork together ready to grab. Actually, might check mine later.

I'm very that I missed the tea party this afternoon. I love strawberries too but I never get near one in this house as the dc always scoff them all!!
Princess and Ready - you are both so brave and have come such a long way. You sound so much stronger than when you first posted on here.
SouthMum - it sounds ridiculous that someone could choose a few cans of drink over a family doesn't it. I really can't see the attraction at all. I'm not tee total by any means but I hate that out of control feeling you get when you are drunk. That someone actually craves that seems madness to me.
I am reading "This Charming Man" by Marian Keyes atm (I love my chick lit!) and there is a chapter on it from an alcoholics pov and it is quite enlightening. Tbe DV parts of the book are disturbing too, but easy to see how people get dragged down by it to the point that they think they deserve it.
Anyway, I'm waffling now. Off to get a real cup of coffee and go hunting about for some cake that the dc haven't hoovered up!!

Helloooo - I'm back and up to speed with the thread now (I still feel about not spotting it earlier! Thanks Ginnny for starting it up again!)

I'm also very about missing the tea party....and strawberries are my absolute favourite!!

Well I'd also like to welcome the 'not so newbies' and just tell you all that you need to take some time to focus on yourselves before making any hard & fast decisions. You need to get as much info as you can on Alcoholism; once you have the tools you will be able to make more sense of what is happening not just to the alcoholic in your life but to your reactions to the disease.

I see that Al Anon has been suggested - I can only say from a very personal perspective that it has saved my life and that I will be forever grateful for finding them....ironically through AA - I was absolutely desperate and could understand that AA was for the alcoholic but why was there nothing for all the people who were affected by the drinking habits/behaviours of the alcoholic?

I went religiously for a year before I made any decisions about what I was going to do - and I am so glad that I did. This is because I started to get myself better. I got myself a sponsor for when I had major wobbles - and there was a few of them, cos I'm only human - and I started to detatch myself from the illness. And I hoped that changing my reactions to his drinking would've helped him to find sobriety.

But it wasn't to be. 16 months ago his behaviour was becoming more extreme because I was no longer reacting to his drinking. Then he ripped up our wedding photo,& smashed up ornaments in front of our hysterical DD, which was a boundary that was crossed - a boundary that I was only able to place because I had a year of building up protection for both DD & myself. I cannot tell you how important this is to do - I had rung the police to prime them in case he lost it. I had ensured that everyone who needed to know (on a need to know basis) knew exactly what was going on eg. nursery/school/my employer. Alcoholism thrives when we keep quiet about it.

So I decided to divorce. It has been an absolutely horrendous 16 months - I had an op, my father died, my 49 yr old sis in laws cancer has come back, and during all this time I had to share the house with an active alcoholic. There were times when I never thought I would get to the end of this particularly long twisty tunnel - it was one thing after another, I was paying for everything and childcare on top (my Solicitor made it very clear that H was not to be responsible for DD's care in any way as it would damage my case).

But at last I have come through into the sunlight. I have managed to keep the house, my divorce is through and he has left the house and gone to his parents. Oh Jubilation, no nasty horrible smells when I come in, no dread at what I would find, no continual rustling of sweet wrappers, DD is chilled, and I feel so much Better . I don't have any sadness/resentful feelings/bitterness - I have had the past 16 months to get over that.

I have only rambled on just to give people an idea of what can be done to help ourselves. Stop focusing on what the alcoholic is doing/may be doing/how much they are/are not drinking. You will never ever outwit an alcoholic. It matters not whether they lose their job/driving license/family - as Atilla rightly states, the only thing the alcoholic will ever care about is where the next drink is going to come from. And, you may think that being a martyr to the cause will help but they will soon lose any respect they may have for you when you start bailing them out with money/booze/driving them around.

Anyway, it's great to be back with a very new lease of life and to offer as much support as anyone needs.

SSX

Hi everyone

My computer's been playing up since my original post so have just been reviewing this thread with interest.

It's made me think I need to step back a bit from my situation get some support. Do Al-anon provide telephone support? Otherwise it won't be any use as the nearest meeting is in a town 15 miles away and at a silly time like 8pm in the week which would make childcare hopeless.

The thing that's struck me reading all this is that our situations are not black and white.

Attila - you obviously know your stuff here, but I struggled with the comments about me and DD bearing the brunt of his drinking now. If I told DD I was leaving DH because of his drinking she would think I'd taken leave of my senses - she's never seen him drunk (I hardly ever have), he's a great dad to her and I really don't think she would understand that there is any underlying problem here.

that's what makes it so difficult.

Hi all

I have been reading this thread with a mix of feelings, a heavy heart but also hope as there are other people out there in the same boat and some really good advice.

I am very concerned re. my DH's drinking. He drinks mostly red wine, sometimes beer. Most weekends he drinks to the point of going comatose on the sofa, so sex is pretty much out of question. By the way weekends often include Thursday and Sunday! Every social occasion we go to involves him drinking too much and behaving like a twat. I am really sick of it however when I look back over our relationship (we have been married 16 years and together for 20) it seems like it has in fact been a constant feature of our relationship.

He has also started behaving in more secretive ways, like taking bottles out to the recycling bin so I don't see them. He will often pop out "for a drive" and come back with a bottle. Last night he did this, came home and drank it, then went to the pub afterwards. It seems he is either drunk or nursing a hangover. Yes his face looks puffy with bags under his eyes.
Like others I read about he does not look like an alcoholic, he holds down a good job and in the week i.e Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday does not usually drink. He thinks because he does not drink spirits and is not usually down the pub that makes it okay, also because I will usually have a glass of wine on a Friday night as well that makes it sociable.

However he does have a reputation as the husband who normally drinks/falls asleep at parties, BBQs etc - people joke about it but it is not really funny. I am worried about his long term health and also the impact on the children of having an alcoholic father especially as they grow up and are more aware of what is going on, at the moment they are too young really although even they will make comments like "did Daddy have a drink?". He suffers from anxiety/depression and is in citalopram, of course he is not even supposed to drink when on those but again I think he kind of shrugs it off, thinking oh it only a couple of glasses of wine (i.e a bottle).

At the moment we are meant to be making so life changes like maybe buying a house, maybe some career type changes. However I just feel that until he addresses the drinking issue this is all moving the deckchairs around the titanic. We looked at several houses on Saturday and there was one lovely one that I fell in love with and we could afford to buy but I feel it is all a bit of a waste of time - so we move into a new house and all he will do is spend his weekends getting wankered there instead of here.

I realise that the problem is his, not mine, and that I can't change his behaviour for him. I do know this, but at the same time I find just ignoring it is not really working for me. When I have broached it with him before he brushes it off, or promises to cut down. So I am wondering how to tackle it really. I am wondering whether to talk to his Mum and his sister about it, they are a close family and I get on well with them. However I feel he may resent me going behind his back.

I looked at the al anon website but it was not much there, like Mutebootn (hi) I don't think I can go to meetings as I work during the day and evenings he is home. The nearest meeting to me is not local and is early evening when I am putting the kids to bed etc.

There is an alcohol counsellor type person who comes to my local GP surgery, do you think they would be worth seeing?

By the way I also bought and read a book on codependence but I didn't find it very helpful beyond it repeating the "it's not your problem it's his" message.

Phew. Sorry this is sooooo long.

Hi tadpole,

re your comment:-

"Like others I read about he does not look like an alcoholic, he holds down a good job and in the week i.e Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday does not usually drink. He thinks because he does not drink spirits and is not usually down the pub that makes it okay, also because I will usually have a glass of wine on a Friday night as well that makes it sociable".

Well, what does an alcoholic look like to you?. What's your image of an alcoholic? Alcohol is no respector of persons at all; people from all walks of life can become alcoholic.

He certainly utters poor excuses (and you know these are excuses) and there is denial present in his words too (a common factor in these people is the complete downplaying and denial of the actual problem).

Your H sounds like a functioning alcoholic; he holds down a job (which he may ultimately lose due to his alcoholism) but has a high tolerance to drink and thus does not get drunk easily. But the damage is still being done to him and you all and your H has a poor reputation socially which is undoubtedly shameful for you. He also cannot or will not stop drinking.

Not all alcoholics sit on park benches drinking from bottles in brown paper or plastic bags. They do exist certainly but that scenario certainly does not apply to all alcoholics. Far from it.

Its not about him solely either; you have children and they are aware of all this too and they will comment on it. Having an alcoholic parent as a parent does the kids no favours at all. Could you fully trust him to be responsible around the children if he was alone in the house with them?. They are aware already that he drinks despite their tender years. They won't thank you either for staying with their drunkard of a father if you chose to. They could well go onto choose alcoholics as partners themselves when adult; children of alcoholics are more likely to do this. They likely see the empties and him taking away the recycling. He's doing that so you cannot see how much he's putting away.

There are no guarantees here; he could lose everything and still drink. But you ultimately are not responsible for him. He is choosing alcohol over you all currently, his primary relationship is with alcohol. You can't ignore this and ignoring it has not and is not working for you therefore you need to do something else and not mire yourself in apathy.

You should also realise as well that alcohol is a depressant and is likely making his depression worse. I reckon his GP does not know about the extent of his drinking problem, few people I suspect do. You need to start opening up to people like your GP.

What is his Mum and sister like; would they be supportive or dismissive?. Are they fully aware of his drink problem?. How many people in your real life actually know the full extent of this problem?. Very few I would have thought.

I'd put the whole moving house thing on ice as of now. The elephant in the room will still remain despite any life changes like new location and potential job change.

I would certainly talk to that alcohol counsellor that visits your GP surgery along with talking with Al-anon (they certainly have a telephone helpline). He may never want to or be able to even start addressing the reasons for his drinking. You need to face those distinct possibilities as well. He is using you to prop him up and you're his enabler.

You have spent many years with him probably hoping as well that he would "change" once marriage, kids etc came along.

You only have one shot at this life; you cannot waste it. You cannot act either as a rescuer or saviour. Which is likely also what you have done to date as well.

Hi mutebutton,

I can only refer to what SS has written in response to your comments:-

"I have only rambled on just to give people an idea of what can be done to help ourselves. Stop focusing on what the alcoholic is doing/may be doing/how much they are/are not drinking. You will never ever outwit an alcoholic. It matters not whether they lose their job/driving license/family - as Atilla rightly states, the only thing the alcoholic will ever care about is where the next drink is going to come from. And, you may think that being a martyr to the cause will help but they will soon lose any respect they may have for you when you start bailing them out with money/booze/driving them around".

Sitting there another five years is no option. Your H has not had an alcohol free day in four years (I noted those from your previous post).

Okay so he may be a "great Dad" as you put it but what sort of Dad is he really?. An alcoholic does not have to get rip roaring drunk every day; people can build up a high tolerance to alcohol.

What are you both teaching her about relationships?. She is seeing and picking up on everything around her. Both of you are imparting lessons both spoken and unspoken.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year

Hi there,
I've been lurking and have read this post a lot over the last few months.
I did post on here I think last year as Rosie02 but forgot my password!
My situation still the same, my dh has coke and alcohol binges at least 2 out of 4 weekends a month.
We lost his wonderful dad Feb this year so thats been tough, but seems (and I feel shitty for saying it) anything is used as a reason to get off his head tbh.
Just before christmas I threw him out, but two days later his dad was diagnosed with his agressive lung cancer which shook us all to the core so rallied round and our situation was pushed to the back of our minds.
He went to the GP to find out if there was anything apart from counselling and the GP told us that even though he binged at weekends, this wasn't classed as a serious addicition
So nothing has been done about it since.
I'm floating along as usual trying to muddle through, but rock bottom is pretyy close.
His mum helped us all to pay for a holiday, we leave in 4 weeks but have in my mind that this will probably be the last time we do anything like this.
I have had enough.
I'm struggling with working f/t, looking after my 10month old dd, 2 yr old ds and 5 yr old stepson at weekends as well as putting up with his crap.
My concern is and I guess I'm aiming this question at SS, does you ex have access to your children? And how do you know he's going to be responsible and not drink while they are in his care? This is what goes through my mind as my dh has a binge say on friday night and then to avoid the inevitable hangover on sat morning, just carries on drinking
I know it could stipulate this in court orders etc but I am scared that he is going to be under the influence whilst looking after our babies.
I would love to just run away with my babies at the moment and get as far away from this mess that I enabled to happen.

Hi SS- you are an inspiration to us all. So glad to see you so happy after everything you've been through.
Attilla is right. A functioning alcoholic is every bit as alcoholic as the wino on the park bench. Whether one leads to the other I don't know.
I think we all have to have a long hard look at our lives and decide if we want to carry on living like this. We have to assume that they won't stop drinking and then make a decision based on that fact. Its not an easy decision and one that can take years to come to.
My way of dealing with it is to live apart from DP, but I know this isn't practical for everyone. However, it is working for me.
After the funeral on Wednesday, he went on the piss on Thursday, spent all day Friday in bed and he has been the model partner all weekend, he hasn't drunk at all and has been lovely to us all. I don't kid myself he'll be nice forever, but I just enjoy it while it lasts.

Hi Ginnny, just found this thread and read through it. Hallo everyone, I'm a newbie here but Ginnny knows me .

Also have a DP who's dependent on alcohol. He suffers from depression and is really self-medicating with two bottles of wine a night and sometimes more on top. Won't seek help, tried counselling for his depression years ago but it wasn't successful, so he refuses to try it again. Like Ginnny's partner, he realises that counselling or therapy will bring out issues that he doesn't want to face. He admitted on Saturday that he knows he is drinking too much and that it's getting worse, blames me for 'trapping' him into buying a house together, is projecting his self-hatred onto my teenage daughter and says that he hopes the drinking will kill him soon .

When sober, he's the sweetest man. It breaks my heart to see him on self-destruct, but as so many have said, it's HIS problem, not mine and I must just protect myself and DD until such time as I've had enough, or he decides he's had enough, or the drink finally gets him.

It's just such a shame that these men don't realise how much we are prepared to help them - and that they are unable to help themselves.

Hi Tanee,

"It's just such a shame that these men don't realise how much we are prepared to help them"

When will you actually have enough of him?.
What is in this for you?. This relationship is broken.

This man does not respect you at all, he will hate you even more for trying to help him (which you can't anyway and should not even attempt to). They don't want your help!!!. He has to want to help his own self, you cannot do it for him or make him seek help. He is not ultimately your responsibility. All he is doing currently is dragging you and your teenage DD down with him. Not an ideal situation for either of you to be witness to.

You are being blamed for problems, his problems. He is refusing to take any responsibility for his actions which is always a bad sign. He is projecting all that lack of responsibility onto you. He made a choice re the house; no-one forced him to sign anything.

You cannot even begin or hope to save or rescue him (my guess is that you've acted as both to date) but you can help your own self and that of your DD. You and she deserve better treatment than what he is meting out.

If you have not talked to Al-anon to date I suggest you do so. Also have a look at Nacoa's website. That makes very thoughtful reading.

Hi Attila and others

Thanks for your comments, they are very much appreciated yes you are so right there is a lot of denial and it does feel like the proverbial elephant in the room.

One common theme in many of these posts is that they are lovely guys when they are sober - my DH is definitely that, what a shame that person disappears when a few glasses of wine have been drunk.

Even now I can hardly believe I am writing all this down. I sometimes feel as if I am going mad or making this all up - I can be so mad and angry with him on the night, but then the next day when he is sober and contrite all my anger seems to have dissapated.

I think someone else mentioned their DH coming from a family in which alcohol is pretty much the modus operandi, mine does and family occasions etc are very much focussed around wine, champagne etc. As we have all got older the rest of us seem to have toned it down a bit but not DH sadly. But nobody says anything.

However I just remembered this afternoon that DH's older brother, who lives in the US, also has issues with alcohol and has in fact given it up for long periods of time although I do think he has the odd drink again now. I am considering e-mailing him to ask for advice/support. I think I do also need to confide in a RL friend as I am feeling quite lonely and overwhelmed with it all.

For the moment I definitely don't want to leave him, I can't see how that would really improve any of our lives at least in the short term. I also don't see that threats or ultimatums would work. So I am going to hang in there for the time being, but yes am going to suggest we put house buying and other big projects on ice.

However in the meantime I do feel that I need to arm myself with more information and sources of support. I have ordered some books from Amazon and I am trying to pluck up the courage to speak to the GP's surgery about the alcohol counsellor. I have a problem in that the GP who prescribed DH is anti-d's is a friend of the family so confidentiality is not easy.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Teeny,

Have put a link up to the publications that Al-anon do as there is also one about living in an alcoholic marriage. It may also help you if you were to read that or something along those lines.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/shop

You must remember that you did not cause all this to arise and you can never outwit an alcoholic. You are ultimately not responsible for him, only your own self and your kids.

I note as well his brother has also had problems with alcohol misuse. I would certainly try and confide in someone whom you truly trust. Even speaking with Al-anon could help you as alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy. You've written on here and that's a good start. You certainly also need real life support though. You're reading up on the subject as well which is good. Knowledge is power!!!.

Even if the GP is a friend of the family any information that you impart to him would remain confidential. I think you need to talk to this person asap but if you really cannot I would also look into finding another GP to work with. Certainly talk with the alcohol counsellor.

Would suggest that you no longer drink alcohol with your H. That can be seen as enabling behaviour.

Good luck to you, you're going to need all your strength now. And it may be that you will ultimately have to go your own separate ways.

Hello, it is Princesshobnob by another name.

Posted last night on my own thread because I was feeling soangry that ex thinks it ismy job tosave himself from himself and his choices.

He wanted to stay here last night because he was tempted, but I refused because his behaviour when here has been quite abusive lately (threatening to break things etc if I don't give him themoney he wants),and even when he is being "nice" he has no regard for my needs and rights - ie staying in bed til 2.30pm, thinking it fine for me to go get shopping with dd2 in sling, carrying all the shopping myself while he stays in watching films while dd1 plays, making mess but not clearing up, leaving me to do all household chores etc.

He apparently called his dealers before he even left the house, then calledme in the middle of the night to say he'd taken drugs again, and if only i'd let him stay it would never have happened.

I told him it was not my job to stop him,that only he can change his behaviour and he was angry that I wasn't supportive - seems to think my sole purpose in life is to support him and his needs,but same doesn't apply to him.

He is like giant toddler.

Anyway, I'm getting better at standing my ground, feel little for him, and am doing my best to find a way through all this.

Sorry to anyone else struggling with all these issues

Hi Tannee - I thought I was on the wrong thread there!! I'm glad you don't buy into his blame game. He's a grown man, he had a choice when it came to moving in with you and DD and its not fair to accuse you of 'trapping' him. Typical of an alcoholic to shift the responsibility on to you. Do give Alanon a try if you can, your DD might find it helpful too. I know when DP was at his worst last year they really got me through it. And remember you can email / call me anytime you need a shoulder to cry on. (Or better still we could go for another lovely pizza and put the world to rights!!)
Princess - Good on you for standing your ground with him. He would have taken drugs anyway, whether you'd let him stay or not. Its just easier to shift the blame on to you.
I can't believe that this time last week DP was angry, drunk and horrible ... today he's sat next to me doing a Sudoku puzzle with a cup of tea! Crazy isn't it!

Hi Hammy, in answer to your question about childcare, since my ex H has moved back in with his parents, he has 'supervised access'. But if he were to move out into his own flat then I would not allow her to go there - he would have to take me to court for visitation rights/access and I would stipulate that it has to be supervised.

Below is a bit about the issues I faced with childcare and the alcoholic.......I hope it helps.

Before I initiated divorce, my ex H used to look after DD when I was on nights over a weekend.

There were 3 distinct occaisions when DD woke me up at about 1300hrs saying that 'I can't get daddy to wake up'. And there was one occaision where ex H said that DD had had an accident with one of the cleaning sprays....how she had managed to get her hands on it, God only knows - but of course if he was comatose for a long period of time then I suppose there's your answer . You believe any old shit at the time but deep down you start to realise that it Just Is Not Normal Behaviour. That's how mad your behaviour becomes - you start to believe what crock of crap they come out with!

When I initiated the divorce, my Solicitor made it quite clear that I would have to get a childminder to collect DD from pre-school, and ensure that I stopped working Nights/weekends. So I did that - was dreading it because I was losing nearly £400 in unsocial hours payments. Our rota was done 6 weeks in advance, but once I had confided in my line manager about what was happening she was extremely concerned about 'my duty of care' to our DD - and to all of you, I cannot tell you how important that this is.

(I also had a long chat with my GP who said exactly the same. You have to be firm and when the alcoholic is pissed and insists on taking your DC's out: you have to stand your ground; you don't threaten to call the police, you actually do it! If you willingly let your kids out with someone who is intoxicated then any sane bystander can and will report it).

I thought that if we lose the house then so what - it's only bricks & mortar. My extra money was giving a false impression - and continued to enable him (he had lost his job by this stage) because he was able to spend his benefits on alcohol.

Personally speaking, I was only able to get off the merry go round of continually providing & enabling the alcoholic by going to Al Anon. Ring the help line that Atilla has given if you cannot get to a meeting.

When my ex H challenged me about getting a CM, I just said that 'I had no option because it was not good for DD to be around drink; she needed to be with other children, having a normal life' and left it at that. No point going into a long protracted argument with the alcoholic - they will not remember a thing about it the next day. That is why it is so important not to react when they are being so vicious. You are the one who ends up feeling shredded.

Hope this helps a little....

SSX

Hi all, and welcome newbies[smile

SS, thankyou for that info, it most definatly makes me feel much better after the last weekend where I had to take the dc's out in the car for a bit. I got back and the fecker had tried to lock me out

Princess, well done for standing your ground, they are like spoilt toddlers really, aren't they.

Ginny, I was looking for that book in the library on sat, but didn't have any luck [anotheer chick-lit fan]. I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for it, as it sounds like an interesting read.

I would like to echo Attila by saying don't drink with/around the alcoholic. I no longer drink at home. if i go out with friends I will have a maximum of 3 units. I don't like being drunk, I hate the loss of control, and the way the room spins. I also rememer just after i turned 18 going to a party, and to this day I have no idea how i got home, and vowed never again.

I can't remember who said it, but to me it really is as if I have 2 lives. the me who lives with the alcoholic and his violent rages/ bouits of maudlin self pity and the me who is cheerful & confident. 2 lives worlds apart.

As someone said, our lives are not in black and white, and that is so true, it is all in shades of grey. yes I am still with my dh, but I wonder why, and I know that ultimatly we will be going our separate ways. the whites of his eyes are now almost constantly the colour of a an egg yolk if you've boiled it too long and the yolk goes grey. Not good. and yes, his drinking is ALWAYS my fault. yeah, right.

Sorry for the garbled post, dd2 woke up and wouldn't settle, so she's on my knee and it's like cuddling a fighting tiger atm,

peace to everyone xx

Hi Ginnny, yes, thought I'd check in on another thread for a change. Am free for pizza anytime .

Attila, many thanks for your advice. I do, however, disagree the relationship is broken - if it were, I would not be in it. It is, however, damaged, and I am learning damage limitation to protect myself. DP is ill, the drinking is a symptom but the causes go very deep and I am not prepared to ditch him yet any more than I would if he lost a limb or developed a serious but 'acceptable' illness. I am aware that he is projecting, and I take no blame for his actions. I realise that only he can help himself. I stay with him because I get a great deal of pleasure from his company 85% of the time which is more than many people on the relationships threads. We had a bad patch this weekend and it drove me low as I let my guard slip, but my armour is back on now and he's showing some remorse by better behaviour and less drinking. That will not last, but I enjoy it whilst I can. As for DD, she has a very shrewd grasp of the situation and whilst she cuts him no slack, she enjoys her life and gets on with it.

Tanee

You are with a man who is self medicating his long term depression with alcohol. He is not actually unable to help his own self - he just does not want to.

If the other 15% of the relationship is problematic (I would still argue that this relationship is at best deeply flawed) then it needs working on but you cannot do it on your own and solely make the effort, the effort for change needs to come from him too. He is clearly not willing to put any effort in instead projecting all his issues onto you and blaming you for all his problems. That is highly damaging to hear consistently.

Why d'you think you can help him?. You're the last person who can help him, as his partner you are too close to the situation. You cannot help him much as you'd really like to. He has to want to help his own self and whilst you're around you prop him up and enable him. I sincerely hope that you are not making a long term error here by being with this man. It is perhaps only when you yourself have reached your own rock bottom that your stance may change.

On a wider level too what are you both teaching your DD here as well about relationships?.

You and your DD deserve far better, you truly do.

Hi Tannee!! We seem to be handling it the same way at the moment and it does have its advantages. The way DP has been this weekend just confirms to me that I am right to hang on in there. He was a complete arse when his Mum died, and handled it by drinking, but he seems to have turned the corner now and is putting me first again. Attilla is right about you reaching your rock bottom with him but we all have different levels of tolerance.
I wouldn't say your relationship is completely broken, maybe just a little dented

I'd also add there is co-dependency mixed up in there somewhere too among the dents. Its all very damaging to you all told.

Hi Ginnny. Cup of coffee?. I also have some more strawberries!.

LOVELY!!!
White no sugar for me!!
Do you have cream??

One cup of coffee with no sugar in it coming right up!.

I do also have cream, care also for some cream on the strawberries?. Must remember to save SS some too (she missed out on the strawberries last time around).