SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Thanks to everyone!

Things not going quite as fast as I imagined here but i am staying resolute. I am absolutely blessed with some very supportive friends who have been rallying round, offering support, taking my children for sleepovers so they aren't exposed to the chaos, offering me their very large husbands to help eject my partner from the house etc.! (I haven't taken them up on that... yet)

Tried to make my partner leave on Friday but he was hung over and literally refused to go - I packed his bags and offered to take him to any destination of his choice but no joy. I am seeing my solicitor on Tuesday so I will take legal advice re: this. I am very lucky (in some ways at least) in that my oldest friend (we have been friends since we were four years old) is a solicitor. Now - she specialises in liciences for pubs and clubs!!!!! but she has recommended another solicitor in her firm who I have seen once before and who I am seeing on Tues. This woman doesnt work on Fridays and Mondays unfortunately but in the meantime she has been there for me, checking things out with other family solicitors in her firm etc. I am not sure how I will ever repay my wonderful friends for all they are doing for me but I still feel so scared and so alone even so. How stupid is that?

My DCs had a sports event to go to this w/e and we went - and they had a good time with their friends from their club and I enjoyed being away with the other parents. We were away from Sat am until Sun eve. My partner was out cold on Sat am but texted me today to say thar he has chosen to be sober - not sure I believe him... He was asleep in bed when we got back so no chance for my DCs to share their adventures this w/e with him. This morning my DD said to me 'Does Daddy know I am in this competition?' - well he did but he didn't feel it important enough to be sober and to be there to cheer her on! (Sorry if I sound bitter...)

It just makes me so upset that I have to lie to everyone as they want to know where my partner is etc. - the last comp w/e we had he was too drunk to come as well and I am running out of excuses. We stopped off to see a friend of mine who I haven't see for a long while on the way home and again I had to lie about my partner being ill. They were asking about him and his job as well and my children know that he has lost it because of his drinking and they have to listen to me tell lies - and I am trying to bring them up not to lie! I feel like I am living a double life - do other people experience this? A number of my close friends know what is going on - and are wonderful - but there are quite a few very close friends who don't and I feel so bad. I don't want to lie to them but it is so hard to tell the truth. My partner gets very angry when he realises people know. He accuses me of poisoning people and he feels that he is running out of friends because - in his eyes - I am telling them untruths.

Anyway - have to go off to sort school bags, shoes PE kit etc. It is so good to have support here - very strange but the advice and support from people who are in the same position as me - or something like - is very important...

Sorry - another ramble.....

SS1 - does CAT mean contact you? Sorry I am new!

We stopped off to see a friend of mine who I haven't see for a long while on the way home and again I had to lie about my partner being ill. They were asking about him and his job as well and my children know that he has lost it because of his drinking and they have to listen to me tell lies - and I am trying to bring them up not to lie! I feel like I am living a double life - do other people experience this? A number of my close friends know what is going on - and are wonderful - but there are quite a few very close friends who don't and I feel so bad. I don't want to lie to them but it is so hard to tell the truth. My partner gets very angry when he realises people know. He accuses me of poisoning people and he feels that he is running out of friends because - in his eyes - I am telling them untruths

Tilly, tell me about it. been there. recently I stopped lying about it, because my close friends knew I was holding back anyway. And if you're going to divorce anyway, your friends will find themselves in the position where they feel they have to choose which of you to remain in closer contact with anyway.

This is a double life we live. in many ways the addiction f**ks up our lives just as much. and tbh this thread has kept me sane and given me so much strength. Now I just have to get through today. I have a close friend who dropped everything at 10pm and drove 20mins just to hold me together. I don't know how I'll ever repay her kindness.

I have to go and get my mummy face on. I need to keep today normal for ds, although I think I'll keep dd1 at home today.

and yes, CAT does mean that. click on the little letter on the right of the blue bar with her name on.

Tilly

Re this comment in particular:-
"We stopped off to see a friend of mine who I haven't see for a long while on the way home and again I had to lie about my partner being ill".

Presumably as well you lied out of feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame. All of these I assure you are totally misplaced.

I would have told this person the truth; the truth sets you free. Lying like this reflects badly on you. Also lying in front of your children when they know the truth of the situation sends them very mixed messages. As mentioned before, many women in these situations often end up lying for their partners; again lying for your man (I hesitate to use the word partner as he is clearly not fit to have such a role) is enabling behaviour. Enabling helps no-one and it only gives you a false sense of control. You have enabled him with money and your home and now you're still enabling him by covering up for him.

You must STOP enabling him and detach emotionally and completely. He will destroy you all otherwise. You need to further read also about co-dependency.

Even though you get the children out as much as possible they know and know only too well about the chaos he brings in his wake. There are the 3c's to remember as well - you did not cause this, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it.

I hope you manage to get him out of your lives for good; he has done and is doing more than enough emotional harm to you all. It is perhaps only when you are free of him will you fully realise the extent to which his alcoholism had you all in its grasp.
I would also speak to Al-anon as a matter of course. Your children could use the services of Alateen.

Do see the Solicitor as planned on Tuesday and use every legal means possible to get him out of your day to day lives. I do not say that at all lightly.

And no, I would not believe him at all when he says he has chosen to be sober; he is only telling you what you want to hear. The fact that he texted you that as well is very telling, he can't even be bothered to have a proper conversation with you. That as well is no subject suitable for a text message. How dare he do this.

Attila

P.S CAT means contact a poster privately. You can do this through MN

Hi R4ACoffee - so sorry to hear about what has happened, and glad you and DD are okay. Although it is obviously devastating, perhaps now you will be able to move forward.

Till, I also echo the comments about not holding back from good friends. I have started to adopt this policy lately, including confiding in my DH's sister, and it has been such an enormous relief.

As for me, DH actually stayed sober yesterday and we even had (good) sex last night. He is such a different man when sober, like Jekyll and Hyde. I truly think the sober version of himself just does not understand what an arse is is when drunk - not violent thank god, but just really really annoying!

One question - according to what I have read, one of the things to help break the cycle of co-dependency is not to nag etc - however, does that mean we simply never mention the drunken episodes? I don't want to bang on about it, but at the same time, I feel as if just ignoring it is somehow condoning it, does that make sense?

Well, I'm spending a lot of time on the phone to dv workers in various guises. dh is still locked up, prob won't be out before 3 at the earliest. I am in the process of trying to get something, i forget what, to keep him out.

Twt, that is part of it, because it then becomes part of a viscious circle where they then drink to blot out their guilt. I found it described in the AA's big book, the chapter 'for the wives'. it's also here down the page.

ok, time to try to continue staggering through today.

Ready at his disgusting behaviour towards you and your dc. He should be ashamed of himself. Thank God the dc are unharmed (physically at least ) but maybe this is the wake up call that will rid you of him.
I know all too well about the double life. But we really are fooling noone. The number of people who, when i told them, said that they had guessed what was going on totally shocked me. I thought I was keeping up such a front. Now though I tell people, its not my problem, its his. He also gets annoyed when I tell, particularly when I tell my Mum for some reason and I've had all that about poisoning people against him, that's just becauae it brings all the guilt and shame up to face him and he can't cope. If he knew what I said on here to complete strangers he'd go mad
Tilly - I agree with Attilla. Texting is just not enough. You need to see proof of it in his actions.
Teenyweeny - My DP is the loveliest, kindest gentlest man when sober, but completely the opposite when sober. Don't get lulled into a false sense of security when he's nice though, stick to your guns and don't back down.
Regarding the nagging, it doesn't change anything. If they are going to get drunk no amount of nagging will change that, they will just say you drove them to it. You can show your disapproval by completely detaching from him until he's sober again. Whether that means going out with the dc or not letting him in the house when drunk. Its like having a child, reward good behaviour and ignore the bad.

Ready, I?m at work and snowed under, but I wanted to send you my best wishes ? I?m so sorry it happened, I?m so sorry DD was there also at the receiving end. Will you be able to keep him away from you and your DC now?

Echo Ginny?s comments re double life, if you carry on with it for long enough, it?ll make anyone go barmy and it?s important to realise that sanity can be found in the trust of others. I remember going off to bed every night incensed at DH?s behaviour and making firm commitments to myself as to how I?d deal with things in the mornings, only for morning to come and with it my constant questioning of myself? was I over the top? Surely, things were not that bad? maybe today things would be better, maybe today would be the day when all changed for the best again. Fooling ourselves and damaging our sanity does us no good, and it?s no good for our DC either ? one parent out of it and the other chasing their tail.

How are you today Ready?

hey all. I'll try and make sense, I have a thin veneer over a churning mass.

My HV came over while I was in the middle of making a statement to a solicetor over the phone in order to get an injunction. she was horrified, both at what she was hearing, and that it had been going on for so long without any hints to pick up on.

Unfortunatly the police were unable to take any further action towards DH, despite everything it all boiled down to his word against mine, he was very charming and persuasive one he'd spent the night sobering up. Legally I am unable to keep him out so he is in the house. I am on edge, even more so now, will explain in a bit. My HA are extreamly reluctant to change the locks, I got the whole spiel about how I could talk to her, but ultimatly they don't want to make any descision.

I have also spoken to the DV outreach worker and am meeting her tomorrow.

I spoke to child protection today. They are not happy about myself and the children being in the same house. However, they are happy that I want out of this fucked up relationship and am taking steps. If he doesn't leave though they will have to do an assessment. It is helping that my HV was aware of some of the situation, and that I am actively having contact with her.

This afternoon I was in court to try and get 1. non-molestation order, 2. occupation order, and 3. prohibited steps order.

I got 1 and 3. I wasn't expecting 2, as he has no friends or family, and so nowhere to go. As I got home, (we had to get the bus to the court, it's in our county town, 12 miles away) the man was there to serve the papers. he was there for about 1hour, a bit longer!

A bunch of flowers has appeared, I saw it earlier behind the compost bins. Apparantly it appeared earlier, and so I must be having an affair and I'm going to lose the children to him because of everything (self harm at 16, 12 yrs ago, PND, currently taking AD's.)

The idea is rather funny, since when do I have the time to even think about it!? (affair that is)

the allegations he keeps making, as above I have forewarned all parties, and tbh, the CP chap agreed that was probably on the ad's because of the current/recent situation if anything.

Anyway. He is pissed off. cold turkey due to no money. We are in court on Fri so he can answer the allegation, between now and then he has to find a solicetor. AIBU to dig out the bottle of bacardi (currently hidden behind the tumble dryer) the night before and leave it partly visable? my solicetor is hoping he'll lose it on fri in front of the judge.

ah well. Onwards and upwards. my hv is coming round tomorrow. i cannot sing her praises enough, she is lovely.

I guess Sun was my rock bottom... now I'm going for it. Divorce tomorrow...

Hope everyone else is ok

Hi Ready - wow, you have come a long way in a short space off time - I'm just sorry you had such horrible experiences to get to this point. A big un MNly hug from me ]]

I'm a bit surprised at the not getting an injunction bit - wqhen I saw a solicitor when I was at a Women's Aid meeting, she said to keep a note of anything that happened to support requesting an injunction, and from what I'd said was happening, it would likely be granted.

So it didn't sound like there had to be any proof as such, and obviously it many cases these things are going to be a case of your word against his.

And the bit about him having nowhere to go - how does that make it OK for him to be in the same house as you?? It must be very difficult for you, well done for going through all this, you're being very strong x

I have only just caught up with what has been happening.

Oh my God - Ready, I am so relieved to hear that you and the DC's are ok. How appalling that this had to happen for you to finally hit rock bottom. Thank God for the support you are getting from your HV.

Don't worry about digging out any bottles that you know about - there will be a whole load more that you don't know about. Oh yes he will be well pissed off - because the house of cards has come tumbling down and he has been exposed.

I have just spent the past 16/12 in the same house as my ex H whilst the divorce was going through - but he never lifted a finger to either DD or myself....if your STBEx has to live in the house with you, then you must ensure that the DC's are never left alone with him.

As I was paying for my divorce, I was told that an injuction would cost about 5K - I seriously was considering it after a year of living in limbo, waiting for the divorce to come through. And also this was because he wasn't violent to us....of course, my Brief was telling me of all sorts of scenarios- such as yours-but as he wasn't doing that I was told that I had to just bear it - the psychological toll was just awful !

However, I told DD that 'daddy has this illness that makes him fall over, smash things up, shout and get cross, but he doesn't remember any of it. That despite this illness, he still loves her underneath it all'.

It's a bit like a mantra - and she has repeated it to her childminder and a couple of others (who had already been told the bare minimum). And thank God they had been told because they wouldn'tve been able to handle any of it, especially coming from a 5 yr old!

Tilly, once you have worked out how to CAT me, please do so - I was in exactly the same situation with finances as you are now.

Also - that bit about nagging....there is absolutely no point whatsoever in trying to discuss the drunken episodes. You have to try to understand that the alsoholic is in a blackout - he will have no recollection of what has happened. That is why you must take yourself out of the room once they are angling for a verbal.

The only thing you can say (when it is the morning after the binge before) is that you will not accept/tolerate unacceptable behaviour. Just make that short sharp statement - when he has 'sobered up'- and leave it at that.

Ready. that he is still in the house after what he has done. I'm sure you have done this already, but make sure you have a bag packed full of all your documents and some clothes in case he kicks off again and you and dc need to run for it.
I wouldn't bother hiding the bacardi. As SS says if he wants to drink he'll find a way!
Stay strong. You are doing so well.

Ready, how are things today?

How's everyone else?

Ready - I hope you and the DC are keeping as well as possible in the circumstances. Try to keep strong, this situation is not sustainable, it'll soon come to a head and you have to be ready for it. How are things now?

Thinking of you.

Hi all,

He's still very pissed off, and I agree with you all, that he's being exposed, and is losing everything. I have all my important documents at my friends up the road. No bag packed, I'm really hoping if he kicks off I can get him removed.

I totally agree that this situation will not continue, I could tell he was simmering when he came home mon, and the simmering is now becoming a boil. My neighbour is briefed to not hesitate calling 999 if she hears anything, and my mob lives in my pocket.

Of course he is going to be feeling quite ill due to the withdrawal. Re the bacardi Q, I stopped hiding his booze long ago, but I was given the bottle for christmas, and hid it to prevent him drinking it

Oh, and it was my lovely neighbour who got the flowers!!! She got them mon, and some cake and i never got the chance to go round, so she stuck them on the gate, because she wsa in a rush.

How is everyone else?

Hello

I'm new to mumsnet, haven't had time to read all the threads but what I have read sounds so similar to my situation. I just wanted to bookmark the thread and will have a full read and add my story if that's ok? I really need to talk to people who aren't in my real life if you know what I mean.

Anyway hope to be back soon x

Post when you're ready, MM!

Ready - I reckon there will be some serious wheedling soon.....he will become like an octopus - you won't know where those tentacles are coming from - so be warned

How's it going Ready?

Bump!

Bump!!

Oh this is getting so boring now. After a "good" week i.e no alcohol Sun/Mon/Tues/Wednesday DH has now had a drink Thurs/Fri/Sat. I expect he will be drinking tomorrow as well as it is our school fete so no doubt he will head for the beer tent. Last night's little session was enough to have him asleep in the chair by about 9.30pm. Tonight we went to some friends for a takeaway and he was actually falling asleep in the car on the way home (about 9.30) and then crashed out on the sofa the moment we got in, too pissed to even kiss his DD's goodnight. My overwhelming feeling with all of this really is just complete tiredness and boredom, I can't even say I feel angry, just sad and fed up really.

This isn't normal behaviour, is it? Please tell me that there are normal families out there who spend happy weekends together without Dad getting pissed and falling asleep. That there are couples who actually spend a pleasant evening together once in a while that don't end with the husband asleep in a heap and the wife ranting away on MN?

I sometimes feel I am losing the plot. His argument is that he has had a long and stressful week and needs to just kick back and relax sometimes with a drink. If I don't like it, it's my problem! Inwardly I don't feel I am being unreasonable, but sometimes I do wonder. Am I??

I swing from wanting to leave him (usually at night and then I lay awake all night plotting) to thinking that is the very last thing I want.

On the plus side :

He has a good job and earns good money, he provides well for his family.
He works hard during the week.
He is a loving Dad.
He is kind and gentle.
He is intelligent, funny, well read, interesting person.
He looks pretty good, dresses well, is in good health.
He is supportive of me and my goals.
He is never violent or verbally abusive, in fact we rarely argue.

On the negative side

I end up spending every weekend evening alone listening to him snore.
Every single social and family occasion ends up with him drinking to the point of being pissed, not just merry but slurring words and stumbling type pissed.
We rarely have sex.
He does unsafe things when drinking like falling asleep and leaving the back door unlocked, he has also driven drunk before (no passengers!) and when crashed out would not be aware if the house fell down around his ears, so I don't feel able to leave him with the children overnight.
When drunk he is boorish, irritating and egotistical.
He doesn't really engage much with the DD's at the weekends as he is recovering (in the mornings) and doing stuff on the computer or whatever the rest of the day - we do have family days out, but it's not like he really "does" things with them like taking them swimming or bathtime or whatever - it's a bit like he has pets or something that he occasionally exercises but otherwise leaves entirely to me.
He suffers from anxiety/depression and is not supposed to drink anyway with his AD's.

I don't know if that seems "enough" to justify ripping the family apart and me ending up as a single mum with all the financial and social downsides of that. Overall he is not a "bad" person - he doesn't drink during the week, is never off work sick or anything like that, he is not a horrible or unreasonable man. The girls would be devastated if we split up, they love their Daddy so much and are always so excited when he comes home. And yet at the same time I can't hel but feel that there must be more than this - is this really a "proper" family life? I am only 42 and yet I feel lonely - I really don't think I want the rest of my married life to be like this until I die. Or he dies which seems more likely given the abuse he gives his liver.

Sorry to rant on, I just felt the need to think out loud and rant into cyberspace, not expecting any answers really. It's getting late so off to bed with a big sigh, just not sure what to do next really.

Ready, I have been wondering how you are getting on - what's the news? Are you okay??

TWT - you are very 'lucky' in that your list of +ves is still a fairly big one.

This is the best time for you to start getting some help for yourself - because you are in a more 'fortunate' position than most of us were when we first found this thread.

Your H is still earning & contributing financially. If you were to get help to deal with your reactions to his drinking, then you may find that he may decide to get help too. No guarantees here, of course, but you are doing so very well by not reacting to him and sounding off on here instead .

Al Anon may be of help - it isn't for everyone....but it saved my (and many others') sanity. It will give you the tools to deal with impending crises which will help you avoid the confusional state that you will find yourself in (which will lead to anger, bitterness, resentful feelings, fear) - and you will - because the illness is a progressive one....I can only say that with me, I was so wrapped up in the madness of living with an actively drinking alcoholic that I didn't realise quite how things had got so bad.

You cannot control what he does and says but if you change your attitudes and behaviour then you minimize the effects of any negative attitudes on your family. You need to get rid of what you think you know about alcoholism, then start all over again, with the help of Al Anon if only for 6 visits. It is a work in progress - you don't get a list of do's & dont's.

Your children have an unconditional love for their daddy - they also have a natural tolerance and compassion for the alcoholic. They know exactly what is going on - even though you are not arguing. The danger is that they get neglected emotionally (re-read your +ve's list!).

TWT,

I would agree with SS's response in its entireity.

The lives of you and your DDs may look fine, well on the surface at the least, but digging deeper there are many problems and you're all being exposed to his alcoholism to your detriment. Your current list of his positives may get shorter as well over time. You may not be arguing but there is underlying resentment and come Thursday of this week he'll start drinking again and the alcoholism merry go around (of which you are all a part) recommences.

Alcohol is itself a depressant; he sounds like he is self medicating with alcohol as well. Bad sign that. He also seems deep in denial re his comments about drinking to relieve stress. Its BS and the denial talking.

The effects are wide ranging as well. Your daughters may well go as adults to choose men who have drink problems themselves. They as children can become super responsible for the alcoholic - as are you seem to be now. If your children are over 12 I would recommend they talk to Al-ateen as this is for teens specifically.

I hope you yourself manage to go along to Al-anon; at the very least call their helpline and get their literature sent to you. You will have to relearn the subject of alcoholism.

You are also not ultimately responsible for this man (she writes repeating ad nauseum). This situation (and it ain't great now) will undoubtedly get worse over time. Unless he is fully willing to accept he has a drink problem and seeks help of his own volition (which at this time he shows no sign of doing) along with fully accepting responsibility for his actions (you're also carrying/enabling him and desperately trying to calm the troubled waters) things in your house won't change at all.

You cannot help him (and that is very hard to accept), he has to want to seek proper help for his own self rather than seeking solace or whatever he's looking for in a bottle. Alcohol is a cruel mistress and his primary relationship is now with drink. You three are not at the top of his priority list at all, let alone on the weekends.

There are no guarantees here; he could lose everything and still carry on drinking. Again you are not responsible for him here, that is his decision.

Have people made comments on his behaviour when you're out socially?. Have they tut-tutted?. Do your parents fully know the extent of his drink problem, how many people know?. I reckon very few people are fully aware and this is also because of your own understandable sense of shame and embarrassment towards him in such situations. Alcoholism also thrives on secrecy, you need to open up to someone like your GP or a trusted friend. Writing here is a good start but you certainly need real life support as well. I would urge you to seek support, its okay to ask for help.

Your H may look good on the outside but the overall excessive alcohol is damaging him internally. And its not just his liver that being affected either.

As SS says in her fifth paragraph you can only change how you react to him. You need to remember the 3cs as well:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

You're 42 (same age as me), you're still young and you will and can start again - if you truly want to. One day (and sooner than you think) your children will leave home and what then for you with your drunken H, if you're still with him then?. What you're currently doing is living a half existence.

Hi TWT, just read your last post. I could have written it myself about my family life. Not sure what to do, either. I spend most of my time 'keeping my head down' - no longer hoping that things will improve, though.